The one hope which has kept me going for many lonely years and which has pushed me to build a social life and to do online dating as well and to learn to cook etc is the hope that one day I would meet someone to settle down with and build a life with. My nearest friends are all happily single, and they can't relate to my loneliness or desire to settle down. This makes me feel even lonelier. I saw my therapist today and she has always been supportive of my hope to meet someone, but suddenly this morning she said that while I should go on hoping and trying to meet someone, I should also accept that I might always be alone. Although I know this deep inside, it is a fear I always push away as it is too heavy and awful for me to deal with. Her saying it makes me feel such awful pain and despair. I have been lonely for 30 years and now I am feeling another 25-30 years of potential loneliness all at once.
I know it might sound odd to say that although part of me knows I might always be alone, I prefer not to listen to that part of me. Without hope, there would be nothing left. I would prefer to go on hoping right to the end of my life (if I don't meet anyone before then) that there will be someone for me, and I don't see the point in trying to deal with future loneliness now when I have my present loneliness to deal with. If worst comes to worst and I am always alone, I want to have the hope inside me that this might only be a temporary state even if I live alone till I am 95. It is the only thing which will keep me going and get me through the night. I feel completely alone now in my desire not to be alone, as up to now I could at least depend on my therapist to back me up even though my friends didn't. It isn't as if my wanting to meet someone has turned me into a Miss Haversham figure, in total isolation. Instead it pushes me out of my house to meet people. I need to get all this out and to see what anyone here thinks.
I know it might sound odd to say that although part of me knows I might always be alone, I prefer not to listen to that part of me. Without hope, there would be nothing left. I would prefer to go on hoping right to the end of my life (if I don't meet anyone before then) that there will be someone for me, and I don't see the point in trying to deal with future loneliness now when I have my present loneliness to deal with. If worst comes to worst and I am always alone, I want to have the hope inside me that this might only be a temporary state even if I live alone till I am 95. It is the only thing which will keep me going and get me through the night. I feel completely alone now in my desire not to be alone, as up to now I could at least depend on my therapist to back me up even though my friends didn't. It isn't as if my wanting to meet someone has turned me into a Miss Haversham figure, in total isolation. Instead it pushes me out of my house to meet people. I need to get all this out and to see what anyone here thinks.
