No friends.

Sorry to hear your story. Sometimes talking about these things can make you feel better, at least then someone's listening. It's understandable how it could make you feel down but I think you're stronger than you think.

These friends are ignorant to talk like this in front of you, and yes it's sad when they're choosing each other over you because it's easier or whatever, but you seem different from them anyway, even if you's had a better relationship I doubt they'd understand you much better. It IS hard to make good friends, but it doesn't mean that you can't; but at least this makes you all the more unique.

Maybe you can be more expressive with your feelings and thoughts to them, not to wear your heart on your sleeve but to make them realize that you're human too. You can always talk to people on here if you feel lonely; don't be afraid to post!

Welcome to the site.

Welcome to the forum, ^What 9006 said. Hang in there.

I don't think anyone is "too old" to seek advice. So those teacher's way of thinking is definitely wrong.

It's not easy being the "third wheel" in a friendship. And you are right that ethnicity should have nothing to do with friendship... If you find someone is being racist, they are not your friend. They're using and abusing.

And it is definitely not easy to deal with people who constantly bully you, mentally, verbally and/or physically.

Just remember this: You are 17. You are young, and definitely have a long life ahead of you. And I would like to tell you things will get better - but only if you allow it to be better. Don't focus on negative thoughts, or allowing yourself to dwell on how people treat you. They treat others badly to make themselves feel better - and it doesn't work as well as they wish it would.

Definitely feel free to post rants, raves, vents and let it all out on here - most if not all of us will understand, and definitely will be there for you. Check around your area for volunteering - not only do you get to meet compassionate people, but get to share interests as well. You may even make new (and better!) friends

Hey xhidden, i'm really sorry that you are treated that way, a girl your age shouldn't have to endure that, these are the kinds of things that can scar an entire lifetime. If you want to talk about it, though, feel free to pm me, i believe i'm a good listener

Yep it is racist of them to talk to each other in your presence in a language that they know you don't understand. It'd be interesting to see what they do if you were to mutter something like "bloedscheizerin" (dumb s**t unless it doesn't actually make any sense in german, but what do they know?) when they're doing that and watch the race card get pulled out like a hand from a fire

Hey hidden, I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through. I really don't think hanging out with those girls will help anymore.. I'm not sure which is better, to go your own way and not be hurt by them but just be your own clique and maybe even make some other new friends, or continue hanging out with them so that you won't feel lonely at the very least.

Which would you go for?

Personally, I'd go my own way. That's pretty much what I did when I was in school.. and then eventually, the girls who made me feel awful couldn't let go of our friendship over time.. they would still come look for me.. even until today. I don't know why, to be honest.. haha. But people are crazy.

Anyway, I'm sorry that you're being bullied as well. Is there any one you can talk to about it? Do you see these bullies often? Is it possible for you to just keep avoiding them as much as you can?

Feel free to PM me if you wanna talk.. at least you won't be going through this alone. I'd rather you have someone to talk to.. hopefully with interacting with the people around here.. you can feel less alone and it might help you get through this. Lots of nice people on here.

Please take care. *hugs*

xhidden96 said:

How would you feel if your so-called friends talk in another language that you don’t understand and you are just there standing with eyes glued to your phone to make yourself seem busy & feel less awkward? Maybe you didn’t do that but that’s what I had to do most of the time. It just hurts me inside to see both of them texting each other everyday having fun and then there’s me checking my phone if anyone texted me. You know it. Nobody did.

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They're most probably more used to speaking that language than English, and don't realise it is making you feel uncomfortable. You should just tell them. If they are your friends, they will understand.

You definitely should tell someone about the bullying. It will just carry on if you keep it to yourself.

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jzinsky said:

Yep it is racist of them to talk to each other in your presence in a language that they know you don't understand.

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My brothers speak a different language with my mother when they are with their half white children. Are they racist?

Depends on the context. If you imagine going into a shop and asking for bread, the shopkeeper gets the bread and the other person there says something in a language you don't understand. Now that could be "Hey Dave where's the milk?" or it could be "Charge that *racist slur* extra"

The first isn't rude, the second is. By the sound of it those "friends" of the OP are doing it on purpose so they can blatantly insult her to her face (I might be wrong)

jzinsky said:

Depends on the context. If you imagine going into a shop and asking for bread, the shopkeeper gets the bread and the other person there says something in a language you don't understand. Now that could be "Hey Dave where's the milk?" or it could be "Charge that *racist slur* extra"

The first isn't rude, the second is. By the sound of it those "friends" of the OP are doing it on purpose so they can blatantly insult her to her face (I might be wrong)

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Doesn't mean they are racist. I hear south Asians do it in shops all the time. They never say anything bad. I would know if they did. If you can't understand what they are saying, you can't say they are being racist. You can say they are rude twats though

Her friends might not be doing it on purpose. I'm guessing they speak their own language all day out of school, so they most probably do it without even noticing how rude they are being.

When I was in school, we had two students in the art class who would speak to each other. Though, rude, if a third person is in the conversation and has been left out... Not exactly racist.

They called the teacher a stupid ***** in their language. That's right, they weren't the only ones with knowledge of that language.

Yeah I'm a guy but I'm going through something very similar. New school. I do have a group of friends that WERE close to me. We hung out all the time but that's changed. They just give me BS all the time when I ask them to hangout. Most recently, they asked me to go to a football game last week and two days ago when the football game took place, they gave me all this crap.

I feel the same way you do. Those three/four other guys who go to the same school, I'm never physically there with them to talk or hangout. That shouldn't be a barrier for us to continue being friends. We live like 10 min away from each other. They never ask me to hangout with them anymore and when I ask them, it's just BS they give me.

My advice for you? Focus on making new friends. Yes it is hard. It's extremely hard for me at my school. Everyone seems to be in their own little group already right? I just try to include myself in the group. Attempt to join in and talk with them. Ask them if they do any clubs or volunteering after school. If they don't seem to be interested in you or they don't want to hangout with you, just move on to another group.

Those two girls you said are closer together then you are? My advice is continue to be friends with them but DON'T EXPECT them to stay around forever. Lets hope it never happens but when the time comes and they've moved on and don't need you anymore, be prepared to have other friends you can hangout with. You said you don't have any right now? Let's focus on accomplishing that then.

My group of friends that I used to be close with, I'm very close to moving on and leaving them. It's a long story of what happened but it seems like they don't care if I hangout with them anymore and they've moved on. Unfortunately for me, I don't have any other people I'm close with since it's a new school. I'm just going to have to try my best and make new friends.

Oh yeah, about the bullying. I don't know how it is for girls, but heres what I live by. Whenever someone says something to you or tries to pick on you, you can say something back to them. Fact is though, if they have their own little group to support them and you're by yourself, you're not gonna win the argument okay? If its you vs. 3 other people who are picking on you verbally or whatever, everything one of them says is gonna seem so hilarious to the other two people. Any jokes you try to say to fight back? I don't think its gonna affect any of them lol.

On the contrary, if one of those people were alone and you got your own group of 3 people to back you up, everything you or your friends say to try and make fun of that person is gonna seem so hilarious. That one person is suddenly powerless now because you have more people to back you up. When they're with their group of friends picking on you and you're alone the best thing to do is ignore them. You can say all you want back at them, but keep in mind they probably do not care.

Hi xhidden. Im sorry that you feel so low right now. And i hope things will get better soon for you. But i also like to say that sometimes we only see the things around us base on our understanding and it is very easy to assume things about other people. Your friends might not realize it that what they are doing are zoning you out... Maybe they think that you are independent and doesnt care if you feel zoned out. I have friends of different race and i try to speak in a language that they can understand.. But sometimes it also gets awkward to talk to another filipino in english because we are in a presence of other people. It takes awhile but i have gotten used to it by now. Most foreigners would let us speak in filipino and some would find it rude even if what we are talking about doesnt concern them. My advice is that maybe you can also try to learn their language even a few lines or words and let them teach you... In that way they would feel that you are interested in them as people and not only as being friends to you. That would also help you start a conversation with some of their new friends. Sometimes you really miss your own language like you miss your own food and i also feel a bit unfiar sometimes when people get annoyed at us talking in our language because they cannot understand it. I mean, i do translate for you of the things i know concerns you -.- but i could understand how they feel too so i try to just give them a favor. Also it is worth to tell the truth if you really feel secluded... Just a simple.. What are you guys talking about? Or showing them that u are listening and quoting a word that u understand nd saying... Aha! I know what that means.

I think it is unfair for them as well for you to immediately brand them as unreal friends unless they are really really mean to you. They hang out with you right?? Why would they do that if they dont like your company?

Another thing is i think it is a good idea for you to develop your social skills as well.. It takes a lot time and effort and you would have a lot of embarrassing tries but never ever judge yourself or feel embarrassed while you are developing a skill that will help u in the future. Cos when you can be left alone on your own by yourfriends that is how your friendship will naturally grow. Instead of you asking them to be extra cautious wih you or worse them feeling oblige to be extra friendly to u.

About the bullying part.. I really think your teachers should listen to you. It sucks that sometimes things like that we just really have to go throuh because some people are apathetic. But no situation is hopeless... Because maybe this is an opportunity for you to toughen yourself and protect yourself. Opportunity to grow and understand why some people are just that mindless and heartless. Whatever happens know that this is just a phase and develop as much skills you can out of it. Skills that will make you a better you. Breathe and be calm cos life isnt as bad as they seem to be. You have a lot in you that maybe you just need to bring out for people to see your worth and most specially for you to see your strength. Good luck

Well sorry, try worrying about others, and maybe your problems won't seem so bad. Or nothing will EVER change........

Congratulation! Why I congratulate you? It's because many wouldn't know why they are facing this kind of things. It's very difficult for people to know what situation they're actually facing, but you realise it!

But, this is life. No one owe you a living. For your case, that two friends of yours, they don't owe you anything. So, you just got to put in more effort to blend in with them , IF that is what you want. If you can't blend in well with them, then find new ones, friends of different age doesn't matter. If you're hoping to find real friends, the trick behind it, is that you got to have many friends. The more friends you have, the easier you will find a real friend. People don't simply come to you to be your friend, no one owe you anything.

It's alright to be awkward around them, sometimes there's no choice. Think positively, take this as an opportunity to learn their culture and language, eventually you gain the benefits.

The world is all about acting! There are many things you hate, but you got to show(act) that you like it , just to make them your friends. See those celebrities, you think those words they're speaking out are 100% from their opinion? Not exactly, it's for show purpose, they're acting just to gain fame and etc or to secure their image. So, learn to act in front of your friends.

Everyone is in their own circle of friends, yes, but as you further your studies, start working and etc, you will have many circle of friends soon. In the end, you may leave those circle but only stick to a few ones. And those few ones, can be consider as the real friends for you or best among all the others. But remember, friends come and go. Old friends will eventually be far away from you while you meet new ones. So, maintain the old friends, at the same time make new ones.

Hi,

To me these 'friends' that you know aren't really treating you as their friend. I've been in that situation before, and I think it's really rude and ignorant to exclude someone from a conversation by speaking constantly in another language.

It doesn't even have to be language related. It could be deep conversation about logic-gates with a 3rd person who has totally no experience or understanding in computer programming (what a conversation that would be )

Anyway! There are many people in this world who will act like that. But there are also many who won't... Don't feel disheartened - just search for these people... Easy to say I know but I think there are people near by who treat you like a real friend : )

Keep trying and head up.. : )

Thomas.

Thomas] said:

Hi,

To me these 'friends' that you know aren't really treating you as their friend. I've been in that situation before, and I think it's really rude and ignorant to exclude someone from a conversation by speaking constantly in another language.

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If we think about a real scenario of 3 or 4 people conversing, no one can really stop and think what everyone feels, if they feel secluded or not, unless given very clear hints. And even if, do people really know how to handle these given hints? Most of them are lost to their own thoughts, their own feelings and reacts differently to their surroundings or turn of events. Maybe one is thinking the same as you worrying about how well they fit in, or one is worrying about the problems in their house or thinking what to get for lunch or budgeting heir allowance. In a real scenario of friends conversing, most of then just try to relax and share what they in a topic. If its a natural friendship, you all just mesh well and dont keep negative thoughts to make you resent your friends.

I am disagreeing that most people who talk in another language are being rude. I am aware there are rude people who does that but not all. I cant help but think that most people who find it rude havent really been exposed to the world of different cultures and different interests where everyone is free to learn and share. If you put yourself in the other persons' thoughts you could say maybe:

She misses her mother tongue
She wants to learn more about her mother tongue to get in touch of the culture that is part of her but she cant always give time to explorr being in america
She wants to learn maybe cos she may go back to her country and wouldnt want her relstives to feel that she is different
She is comfortable speaking in her language cos she is not very confident with her english ( this is one of the most common feeling for most non english speakers

No. I'm sorry, but no.

I'm sorry that you feel alienated, OP. I'm sorry that you feel down. It sucks to be in high school--in senior year no less--and feeling like you haven't got a friend in the world. It sucks to be surrounded by cliques that you feel you can't break into.

But for the love of all that is sane and legit, do NOT blame that alienated feeling on your friends, who also just want to survive high school without being ostracized based on their culture. Do not hate them because they met people who share a language they're comfortable with, and do not blame them for being more open with each other as they share similar race and culture-related barriers and struggles with the outside world.

I come from a Spanish-speaking family and I happen to be the only person in that family that does not speak the language. I know what it's like to be completely lost in a conversation among people with whom I'm related by blood, for honeysuckle's sake, as they suddenly switch to speaking Spanish. Why would they do that, when they were just speaking English just fine? Well, imagine being raised speaking English, which you are comfortable with, and then being asked to not only learn Spanish, but also, speak it primarily for the rest of your life.

You can't blame those girls for switching back to a more comfortable language to them. You can't blame them for having a **** culture.

First of all, I really highly doubt that they speak their native language in order to insult or ostracize you. I have befriended people from many countries and have never found this to be the case - not even when I bothered to pick up bits of their language to understand what they were talking about. Quite often, I've found that what happens is that the speaker can't think of the English word for what they were referring to in their language, or something along those lines. And, seriously, can you blame them for that when English is such a convoluted language, itself?

Secondly, why must your friends conform to what makes you comfortable when it is you trying to fit into their circle? Had it not occurred to you to perhaps learn their language? I'm sure if you were receptive about it, they would be happy to help you. Even if they weren't, did you ever try? Did you ever ask?

And even if you don't want to - that's fine. Plenty of people wouldn't. Then, find other friends. I know it's not easy, but if you're not willing to put in the effort to work with what you've got, then it's your only other option.

But, honestly, I believe it is you who has the issue that needs solving. A lot of your worries seem stem from your own insecurities, and listening to some of the "advice" you've gotten in this thread will NOT help you.

The rude one, here, is the one that does not respect and tolerate cultural differences in a country where those differences are continually introduced and (supposed to be) overcome.

If your school offers a club geared towards the preservation of those girls' culture, then just think - those girls have probably been subject to alienation just for being who they are. Are you really going to blame them for the fact that YOU can't fit into the group that was created to help them find company in people like them?

Sigh. I ramble. Just try and assess your own shortcomings and how you play a role in your loneliness. You can't just push the blame outside of you.

With regard to any bullying you receive, the best thing to do is to inform a counselor or other staff member you can trust about it. Try and come up with a strategy to stop the bullying and ward off any backlash you might face from telling a teacher.

BUN BUN I WOOOOVE YOU.. ^ that. lol (l)

also, learning another language is cool (cool)

Doubt The Rabbit said:

No. I'm sorry, but no.

I'm sorry that you feel alienated, OP. I'm sorry that you feel down. It sucks to be in high school--in senior year no less--and feeling like you haven't got a friend in the world. It sucks to be surrounded by cliques that you feel you can't break into.

But for the love of all that is sane and legit, do NOT blame that alienated feeling on your friends, who also just want to survive high school without being ostracized based on their culture. Do not hate them because they met people who share a language they're comfortable with, and do not blame them for being more open with each other as they share similar race and culture-related barriers and struggles with the outside world.

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Everything must have an oppressor/victim narrative. How do you know what they talk about? 99.9% of the time I'd bet it's nothing to do with such "struggles", and much of it probably nothing unique to cultural background at all.

More likely they're making zero attempt to include her because they have other options now, former friend doesn't easily fit and is therefore 'uncool' in terms of a new group dynamic.

Doubt The Rabbit said:

First of all, I really highly doubt that they speak their native language in order to insult or ostracize you. I have befriended people from many countries and have never found this to be the case - not even when I bothered to pick up bits of their language to understand what they were talking about. Quite often, I've found that what happens is that the speaker can't think of the English word for what they were referring to in their language, or something along those lines. And, seriously, can you blame them for that when English is such a convoluted language, itself?

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We don't know their level of English fluency to begin with.

Doubt The Rabbit said:

Secondly, why must your friends conform to what makes you comfortable when it is you trying to fit into their circle? Had it not occurred to you to perhaps learn their language? I'm sure if you were receptive about it, they would be happy to help you. Even if they weren't, did you ever try? Did you ever ask?

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She would have graduated before being capable of having a real conversation. They might not even want her to speak their language, going by the attitude of some who would find it an insult that she dare try.

Doubt The Rabbit said:

The rude one, here, is the one that does not respect and tolerate cultural differences in a country where those differences are continually introduced and (supposed to be) overcome.

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Respect... sometimes goes the other way too.

Doubt The Rabbit said:

If your school offers a club geared towards the preservation of those girls' culture, then just think - those girls have probably been subject to alienation just for being who they are. Are you really going to blame them for the fact that YOU can't fit into the group that was created to help them find company in people like them?

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"People like them" as if shared language and culture were the most important aspects of humanity.

There's bias in your (and others) rudeness to the OP because she has criticised a clique who also happens be part of an ethnic minority. They shouldn't whitewash themselves for her sake, but as they're unwilling to make *any* accommodation for her the OP is probably better off finding other friends.