a "what would you do?" question

I've visited this forum a while ago (I think it's been a couple of years). I'm not in my best mood lately and I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. so here's the thing:

I'm a second year student (just started second year this Sunday). I've started Uni relatively late, just before I turned 28, so practically all of my fellow students are younger (18-25) than me. add to that the fact that I'm not a very social person (I don't make friends easily) and the result is I have practically no social contact with other students, I feel like I have nothing in common with them and don't really have any desire to find friends among them. but that's not the real issue.

last semester I did this course and homework had to be submitted in pairs. I found myself a partner and by pure dumb luck, I found the only guy that's older than me. we ended up spending long hours together on the assignments, we got a long really well and soon enough I fell crazy in love with him (and I'm not talking about a high school crush).

at some point I realized I'm simply not his type and nothing ever happened between us. anyway, before previous semester ended we already agreed to partner up on a couple of courses we're both taking this year, cuz we worked together really well.

but now he went and got himself a girlfriend. first it was "this girl I started to date" and then yesterday it changed to "I'm spending the night at my girlfriend's place". needless to say, that every time I hear something like that my heart breaks into a few more pieces but I hide it really well.

so now I'm kind of stuck. I really like spending time with him and now I don't really have a choice because of the courses we're talking together, but hearing him talk about this girlfriend of his hurts like hell. and since we get along so well, he feels comfortable around me (he said it himself once) and tells me all kind of stuff they're doing together (nothing sexual). every time that happens I get this feeling I just want to quit everything and runaway somewhere where I'll never see or hear from him again.

so how do I deal with this?
I can't leave, can't break our agreement, can't tell him how I feel about him. don't see myself falling for someone else anytime soon (men in general don't seem to like me, in the romantic kind of way)...

any kind of advice would be much appreciated.

p.s. English is not my mother tongue so i'm sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes.

Another man is really the only thing that can help you on this while you're forced to see and spend time with this taken guy. And he is well and truly taken by the sound of it, and his referring to her all the time to you makes me think with a pretty high degree of certainty that somehow he's picked up on the fact that you like him. His constant referral back to her is like reinforcing a boundary with you I think. Friendship is all you'll have there so you might really want to try going out somewhere to meet a new guy who'll love you back the way you deserve.

I know your situation very well. But in the end it is exactly as you said. You didn't get along in the romantic sense. You aren't his type. The fact that you still crush on him like that is probably holding you back from finding the person you need to find.

Otherwise there is nothing you can do. You hope things don't work out between him and his girlfriend because in the back of your mind you want to go back to spending more time with him. But in the end that wouldn't do you or him much good in the romantic sense. You probably have a dream that you two end up together, but realistically that most likely isn't going to happen.

It's also hard to stay friends with someone when you don't see them as just a friend. It's dishonest and unfair to him. You're torturing yourself. If it was me, I would finish my agreement with him for class partners. But I would also try to keep the focus on the schoolwork.

ForGrantedWife said:

Another man is really the only thing that can help you on this while you're forced to see and spend time with this taken guy. And he is well and truly taken by the sound of it, and his referring to her all the time to you makes me think with a pretty high degree of certainty that somehow he's picked up on the fact that you like him. His constant referral back to her is like reinforcing a boundary with you I think. Friendship is all you'll have there so you might really want to try going out somewhere to meet a new guy who'll love you back the way you deserve.

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he doesn't talk about her or mention her all the time. just sometimes. he talks to me and tells me all kinds of stuff, her is just one of them. I honestly think he's clueless about how I feel about him.

obviously to find some other guy is the answer, but that simply is not going to happen. not cuz I don't want to or cuz I turn down men every day, but simply cuz I'm not the kind of girl guys hit on or like in the romantic kind of way. and I'm saying this from experience. I'll be 29 soon and never actually had a boyfriend (just some guy I dated for a couple of months who then left the country. but it wouldn't have lasted anyway).

and yes, I'll admit, I liked other guys before, but this one... there's something different in the way I feel about him. I remember the first times we met it was so easy talking to him. I never had that before.
that's why this whole thing is so frustrating. I feel I'll never have this connection and sense of "easyness" with anyone else. I know how it sounds, but I really never felt this strongly about someone so I'm having hard time dealing with this. I'm trying to reduce the amount of contact I have with him and stick to "business". but if he calls and we start talking about other stuff (and we always do) I can't help but think to myself how great this feels...

well, lets hope some other guy will show up and "sweep me off my feet" like this one did.

I'd like to think I would have the strength to tell him, for myself. If you're just scared you should get over it - he's your friend, I'm sure he does not want you in pain, and that he'll understand it may hurt for you to be around him and find someone else to work with.

Since you are asking what the rest of us would do, I wouldn't ever start a relationship with someone out of the need to get over someone else, it's not fair to them. Especially if they have just as much unbidden feeling for you as you do for this friend.

murmi97 said:

I'd like to think I would have the strength to tell him, for myself. If you're just scared you should get over it - he's your friend, I'm sure he does not want you in pain, and that he'll understand it may hurt for you to be around him and find someone else to work with.

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I can't tell him. we're not really friends. we're just kind of "study partners" who have lots of things in common, get a long really great and feel really comfortable around each other. but we never met in any other social environment outside the Uni.

there's also practical factors here. I'll need to find another partner, one who I'll spend hours and hours with. very small odds that I'll find someone who won't make me feel like I want to get it over with and go home.

he had a partner previous semester who he couldn't stand until they parted ways. I don't want the risk of getting one of those myself, and also don't want to do this to him. I know he counts on me and told me himself that I'm a great partner and we work great together.

and third, we're taking a couple of courses together which means I'll be seeing him around anyway a few times a week. can't escape that. telling him anything, or ask him to end our arrangement without telling him why will make thing as awkward... well as awkward as they can possibly be.

I sorry for the troubles you are in.
And I´m sorry for not being able to give you any sound advice.

I just want to tell you that I hope something good will come your way, from whichever direction it may be.

Maybe, just maybe, but this may be nonsense... You ask him if he can hook you up with some other classmate for your assignments. This, of course, only if he is more sociable that you are, and he knows other classmates.
Give him some reason like "you´d like to get to know your classmates but you are shy asking them", "Would like to make some more friends because you will be spending time with them, and you dont want him to be your only friend", or something similar.
This may not solve much, or anything. But if you have someone other, doesn't matter if a friend, someone you know, or whatever, you can spend time with him/her, so you have some "checkpoint" in the classes. You would still see him, but maybe having someone else you know would ease your suffering.
I say this thinking of a possibility, that you felt in love with him mostly because he is the only one that somehow cared about you. I know girls like this, and even boys are like this. This may not be your case, but I cant help thinking that this is a possibility.

So my advice would be, do something for him not to be your only person you know in the whole university. It may help you, even if just a bit..I think..I hope.

But still wish you the best, hope you will once smile remembering this time of your life, for whichever reasons it may be.

To be honest, the best thing here is to just avoid him as much as you can. I've been in a different situation but it also was about choosing for friendship with a girl (I was deeply in love with) who probably didn't like me, or just leaving her completely. For me it was easier though, we both went to a different university after this summer, even though it's in the same city, there's 0 chance I run into her. It was a hard decision but I chose to forget her completely. Now, I don't speak to her anymore. I don't regret this, although it's hard, because I'm still not sure if this girl ever loved me (although I'm pretty sure that if she ever did, she didn't feel anything for me anymore when I decided to forget her).

I'm glad I moved on though. I loved this girl for 2 years, and I've never been interested in anyone else. I'm not completely over her (I think), but this is the first time in 2 years I actually see potential in other girls than her.

I guess you will have to make this decision too. My advice is to move on, and to do everything you have to do to achieve it. If it's possible to forget him, you must consider trying this.

aspalas said:

To be honest, the best thing here is to just avoid him as much as you can. I've been in a different situation but it also was about choosing for friendship with a girl (I was deeply in love with) who probably didn't like me, or just leaving her completely. For me it was easier though, we both went to a different university after this summer, even though it's in the same city, there's 0 chance I run into her. It was a hard decision but I chose to forget her completely. Now, I don't speak to her anymore. I don't regret this, although it's hard, because I'm still not sure if this girl ever loved me (although I'm pretty sure that if she ever did, she didn't feel anything for me anymore when I decided to forget her).

I'm glad I moved on though. I loved this girl for 2 years, and I've never been interested in anyone else. Although I'm not completely over her (I think), this is the first time in 2 years I actually see potential in other girls than her.

I guess you will have to make this decision too. My advice is to move on, and to do everything you have to do to achieve it. If it's possible to forget him, you must consider trying this.

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I have no way of avoiding him. We have 2 classes that we both take this semester so either way I'll be seeing him around a few times a week. So I figured there isn't much point in ending our partnership in that case. Plus, from the academic point of view it will be a bad idea.

Someone wrote that it's not fair to get with another guy when you're feeling this way about someone else, but do you have any idea how many long term relationships and marriages have resulted from this very behavior? Mine isn't perfect but it is long term and came on the heels of my being in love with another man who was REALLY wrong for me. Mine might be a little boring and guilty of ignoring me in favor of his favorite TV shows after 18 years (I do it to him too so we're both guilty), but it's a far cry better than what I would have had with the other guy.

So many people I know have rebounded from someone wrong for them right into the right person. It pays to try sometimes.