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Im confused...
10-18-2013, 08:18 PM
Post: #1
Im confused...
I really dont know what Im doing right now...my head is messed up (with all my personal crap) and now Im getting into something which I shouldnt be getting into...and Im flipping confused.

He's a guy from work (alarm bells should already be going off) and we had one kiss at the beginning of the year (which was nice!), then I got all weird (coz Im stupid like that and I feel too scared to get into something real with anyone, hence why Im on here) and we didnt speak for ages (but remained professional at work). Then we went to a colleagues wedding (two months back) and had a nice time and again we kissed (again amazing). We dated for a short while (I mean a week!!!!) I texted him I need space and that we wanted different things and he left me alone. One week after my text he got with someone and now he is moving to Brazil for this new woman. I was initially hurt by how quick he moved on but saw he was truly happy so I let him be. We have always remained professional at work and no hard feelings between us. Im in a vulnerable place right now (work and family issues) and we all went out for a drink late night and when the night was over I found him in my arms again. This is fucked up, I dont like this situation at all but I really dont want him regretting things so I told him to go Brazil coz I know he will regret not going. But he wants me to convince him that he should stay. I dont know what to do but then again I do, I know Im fucked up and I think people like me need to be alone, we just cant handle love or being loved or understand being loved. I mean I doubt everything he declares for me because he went with someone one week after me. But he claims I broke his heart by my text...

I want him to be happy. I dont think I can do that. Thank you for reading, I know what I will do, put my walls up and allow him to move on.


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10-18-2013, 10:09 PM (This post was last modified: 10-18-2013 10:33 PM by lostatsea.)
Post: #2
RE: Im confused...
There's a popular quote: People accept the love they think they deserve

Forgive me if all of this is wrong. It seems like you don't think you deserve any. You've obviously been hurt before. So you've decided nobody will ever hurt you again, and you're not even going to try. You are unworthy of love.

I would say be honest with yourself. Close your eyes, and think a year in the future. If it's possible you could be happy with this guy, you should seriously consider giving him a shot. In his mind you sticking around will definitely make him so that isn't the real question. You said you don't want him regretting things, but it seems more like you're just scared. When you broke up in the past. Did you really believe that you wanted different things? How much of that was fear? Why do you really keep breaking things off?

I also find it a bit unusual he's willing to move to Brazil with a woman, but leave her for a girl he has only spent a short time outside of work really getting to really know. If he's willing to leave her that easily, I doubt he'll regret it that much. Again, all opinion. I just don't think you should be so set on your decision without giving your own happiness more consideration.
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10-18-2013, 11:58 PM
Post: #3
RE: Im confused...
(10-18-2013 10:09 PM)lostatsea Wrote:  There's a popular quote: People accept the love they think they deserve

Forgive me if all of this is wrong. It seems like you don't think you deserve any. You've obviously been hurt before. So you've decided nobody will ever hurt you again, and you're not even going to try. You are unworthy of love.

I would say be honest with yourself. Close your eyes, and think a year in the future. If it's possible you could be happy with this guy, you should seriously consider giving him a shot. In his mind you sticking around will definitely make him so that isn't the real question. You said you don't want him regretting things, but it seems more like you're just scared. When you broke up in the past. Did you really believe that you wanted different things? How much of that was fear? Why do you really keep breaking things off?

I also find it a bit unusual he's willing to move to Brazil with a woman, but leave her for a girl he has only spent a short time outside of work really getting to really know. If he's willing to leave her that easily, I doubt he'll regret it that much. Again, all opinion. I just don't think you should be so set on your decision without giving your own happiness more consideration.

Thank you for the advice lostatsea, you got me so right (by the way). I am scared cat esp of love and I dont think I deserve it. I do really like him and I know he feels the same, its just messed up right now esp with him being with this new girl. But I dont know what to do...say I ask him to stay with me and then later down the road I act like a scared fool (which has been always been my history with men), he would then feel regret because he lost the Brazilian girl and me. I dont what to mess things up with him, he has already felt heart broken by me from our last break-up and he was upset (which is very rare for a grown man to express). I did think we wanted different things at that time (previous break up) but now not so sure, he just wants to be there for me and support me (all things I want) but I am genuinely scared and I dont know if I can change...Sad


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10-19-2013, 12:24 AM
Post: #4
RE: Im confused...
I'd say if you do choose to try with this man all you need to do is be honest. If I were this guy, and all you did was link me this thread and tell me to read it, I would know exactly what I'm getting into and what might happen. I would also still go for it without any regrets.

Maybe a guy like this is exactly what you need to get over that fear. Somebody who obviously cares for you. Seems genuine, and won't seem to go away easily even though you keep trying to push him away.
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10-19-2013, 12:30 AM
Post: #5
RE: Im confused...
first im going to apologize if this seems heartless..

(10-18-2013 08:18 PM)Broken_n_Lost Wrote:  But he wants me to convince him that he should stay.

this is in my opinion very wrong. what went through my head when i read that was (from his perspective) "show me what you got, and ill see if you are worth more than the girl in brazil"

on one hand yes, everyone should reach for the best thing (person). and if you are the better choice, he wants to choose you... on the other hand, i think he executed it poorly and is, in my opinion, [heartless].

i dont doubt he is a great guy.. but probably not the greatest YOU can get. my advice is as you said.. just let him go. you two want different things. him moving on a week after you 'broke up' could very well mean what you think it means. especially with the line i quoted.

"Easier said than done." Yes, but what else are you going to do about it?

"You can't feel the warmth of the fire if you have four layers on trying to keep the cold out."
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10-19-2013, 12:40 AM (This post was last modified: 10-19-2013 12:44 AM by Broken_n_Lost.)
Post: #6
RE: Im confused...
(10-19-2013 12:24 AM)lostatsea Wrote:  I'd say if you do choose to try with this man all you need to do is be honest. If I were this guy, and all you did was link me this thread and tell me to read it, I would know exactly what I'm getting into and what might happen. I would also still go for it without any regrets.

Maybe a guy like this is exactly what you need to get over that fear. Somebody who obviously cares for you. Seems genuine, and won't seem to go away easily even though you keep trying to push him away.

You are different, I dont think he will think the same as you and go for it as I am a big risk...although he does say I give him aggro (but the kind he likes???). I really dont know tho, Im so use to being alone, maybe Im just built that way, to be alone...

To be frank I have been honest with him so far and he knows Im messed up and he still accepts me for it but how do you know if this is the person for you? I feel like Im in catch 22, I have some many apprehensions and no flipping real answers.

But he did go away, remember he got with another person just after one week of receiving my text, which made me doubt him. And since we work together we see each other and everyone at work told me about his new woman (they are all claiming he loves her). This is what made me think I made the right decision but apparently we still have something. And he has said things has been made very complicated now, Im an idiot, I shouldn't have kissed him again. I also feel very very very bad for the girl, she really likes him and we kissed! Its not great and I feel like the evil person in this situation, I should of just let him be instead of messing with his head (which wasn't the case but that what it would seem like to an outsider), this is why I think I should f-off. I technically killed things, he then found someone (one week after me, which isn't the nicest feeling) and now we are both vulnerable...PANTS!

(10-19-2013 12:30 AM)Regumika Wrote:  first im going to apologize if this seems heartless..

(10-18-2013 08:18 PM)Broken_n_Lost Wrote:  But he wants me to convince him that he should stay.

this is in my opinion very wrong. what went through my head when i read that was (from his perspective) "show me what you got, and ill see if you are worth more than the girl in brazil"

on one hand yes, everyone should reach for the best thing (person). and if you are the better choice, he wants to choose you... on the other hand, i think he executed it poorly and is, in my opinion, [heartless].

i dont doubt he is a great guy.. but probably not the greatest YOU can get. my advice is as you said.. just let him go. you two want different things. him moving on a week after you 'broke up' could very well mean what you think it means. especially with the line i quoted.

Yes this is exactly my point! I feel like moving on only one week after our break (which was one text saying that I need space and we want different things) was very wrong and not genuine. I was and still happy for him and thats why I think he should give the Brazilian a go. I dont think youre heartless at all Regumika, you said what I was feeling. Thanks
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10-19-2013, 01:01 AM (This post was last modified: 10-19-2013 01:03 AM by lostatsea.)
Post: #7
RE: Im confused...
It is definitely a very awkward spot you're in. On a superficial note, I appreciate that you feel evil. Having been hanging around someone with questionable morals it's refreshing to see someone who has them.

That being said sometimes you should be selfish in life when it comes to your own happiness.

I'm going to rephrase your situation differently, because I'm a person who carries way too much regret.

You have two scenarios. One he leaves and goes with this girl to Brazil. Two he stays and you give yourself a shot at happiness.

Which would you regret more? Not even trying, or stopping him from going to Brazil AND it still failed. (worst case scenario)
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10-19-2013, 01:11 AM (This post was last modified: 10-19-2013 01:15 AM by Regumika.)
Post: #8
RE: Im confused...
BnL, just wanted to add another of my opinion...

you make yourself sound like you are a bad person in this case.. but i dont see it that way, here is why.

perhaps he has been dating two (or more) people at the same time. but thats not a bad thing. in my opinion.. people 'should' be dating multiple people [often]. now when i say date i dont mean a relationship. you dont have to be in a relationship to hug, to kiss (casual?), or maybe hold hands a bit. dating is casual (no sleeping together or stuff like that).

dating is meant to be the means to see if you [actually] like/love/in love with the person or not (first impression was good, which is why you got interested in the first place). perhaps he liked you and the brazilian. since you stepped a little bit away from him, he made his other available choice. but who knows? what you should be focused on is that you are not at any fault. you didnt [intrude] or [cross] any line with their 'relationship' (dating).

go out and just think about dating, not a relationship... a real relationship will follow naturally, from good dating, when you are ready.

"Easier said than done." Yes, but what else are you going to do about it?

"You can't feel the warmth of the fire if you have four layers on trying to keep the cold out."
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10-19-2013, 01:21 AM (This post was last modified: 10-19-2013 01:27 AM by Broken_n_Lost.)
Post: #9
RE: Im confused...
(10-19-2013 01:01 AM)lostatsea Wrote:  It is definitely a very awkward spot you're in. On a superficial note, I appreciate that you feel evil. Having been hanging around someone with questionable morals it's refreshing to see someone who has them.

That being said sometimes you should be selfish in life when it comes to your own happiness.

I'm going to rephrase your situation differently, because I'm a person who carries way too much regret.

You have two scenarios. One he leaves and goes with this girl to Brazil. Two he stays and you give yourself a shot at happiness.

Which would you regret more? Not even trying, or stopping him from going to Brazil AND it still failed. (worst case scenario)

I dont think I will regret him going to Brazil because he seems really happy with her and I never feel regret when someone I care about is happy (thats what happened to me before, obv it hurt at the time but ultimately I was and am still happy for him). I honestly think he will regret not going and he has already brought his tickets, when I mentioned that he has a woman in Brazil he kept saying that he will be going there...this is where I am truly confused, are his feelings for me genuine or not? It seems real when he is with me but then again who would move on that quick?

(10-19-2013 01:11 AM)Regumika Wrote:  BnL, just wanted to add another of my opinion...

you make yourself sound like you are a bad person in this case.. but i dont see it that way, here is why.

perhaps he has been dating two (or more) people at the same time. but thats not a bad thing. in my opinion.. people 'should' be dating multiple people [often]. now when i say date i dont mean a relationship. you dont have to be in a relationship to hug, to kiss (casual?), or maybe hold hands a bit. dating is casual (no sleeping together or stuff like that).

dating is meant to be the means to see if you [actually] like/love/in love with the person or not (first impression was good, which is why you got interested in the first place). perhaps he liked you and the brazilian. since you stepped a little bit away from him, he made his other available choice. but who knows? what you should be focused on is that you are not at any fault. you didnt [intrude] or [cross] any line with their 'relationship' (dating).

go out and just think about dating, not a relationship... a real relationship will follow naturally, from good dating, when you are ready.

Thank you Regumika for not thinking bad of me, you do have a valid point, however I still feel a tad bit evil. Sad

I think relationships at work is too much or Im a chicken and looking for any excuse to get out (no surprises there).
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10-22-2013, 06:37 PM
Post: #10
RE: Im confused...
So I was right about the guy, he told me he would regret not going to Brazil so I let him be...


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