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maidendeth

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my family is fighting. at the worst possible time. my mom has cancer and just got out of the hospital two days ago, she doesnt need to be dealing with us (my sisters and I) fighting too. My mom hides stuff from me, like how shes feeling or what doctors told her. I dont know why but then itll come back around and bite me in the ass, like today. I talked to my mom when she got out, she said she was fine. I shouldve called these past days but Im having a hard time dealing with everything, and I have the worst habit of cutting myself off from everyone when stuff like this is going on. Im not as close to my mother as I'd like so it always feels like Im bothering her. Well today my sister asked me to stay with my mother tonight and tomorrow, ok no problem. I ask how shes doing and she tells me my moms starting to get confused and act funny. I ask her how long this has been happening and she says since shes got out of the hospital. This is where I know I shouldve called and I start to feel horrible. But then she starts saying she's the only one whos been with my mom these past two days and how me and my other sister dont want to do anything. excuse me? im angry now. "how come you didnt call me when this started to happen? how come you took it upon yourself to do everything? how do you know nobody wanted to help when you dont even pick up the phone to let me know these things?" I shouldve called I know. But still, how is she going to say these things, she knows they're not true. She cusses me out and hangs up before I could even finish the last sentence. I try to call back, she ignores my call. I talk to my other sister and she talked to my mom (i was a sobbing mess by now and wanted to calm down before i spoke to my mom). She tells me my mom had been wanting me there but my sister pretty much shut down the idea, saying why does my mom want me there all of a sudden. Why is she acting like that? Like she wants to care for my mother all on her own, but then lash out at us for it. Im so upset, I just want to run away somewhere, but thats not logical, not to mention incredibly selfish.
 
Maybe your sister's irrational and hurtful behaviour is just the way she is dealing with the whole situation. I'd say be there for your mother and try to get over anything which distracts you from her.
 
Hey, I don't know enough about you and your family to help you understand your sister's behavior, but what's important is that your mom wants you with her through her pain, so I 'd say be there for your mom right now, you can deal with your sister when this difficult stage passes.
 
Yeah I know. I went over after I posted this, my sister has just been giving me the silent treatment. My mothers doing ok. She just has trouble getting up and around. She's taking it out on my mother as well though so it's working my nerves but I'm trying to ignore it. She's just been going around the house doing random things to prove that she's doing alot or something I don't know, she's being ridiculous.
 
Hey maidendeth, I'm sorry for what you were going through. It's not easy whenever you deal with family drama, in this case, your sister. Yes she should've kept you informed of your mother's condition, but seeing from her point of view, perhaps she felt as though you didn't care? You may think otherwise and do actually care a great deal but she may not see it.. you may think family should know you best but really, that statement is so wrong.

I realise that a lot of times, or maybe, by human nature, people learn by the actions of others. Maybe if you called more often she would get the idea that you want to know about your mother's condition. I'm not saying it was right for her to say it like that to you.. but maybe she's tired, mentally and physically, and frustrated, and of course even feeling sad from taking care of a sick parent. It's not easy, really.

I know this by experience because I had to do the same for when my father was ill. None of my siblings were ever around but I learned to accept it. I didn't tell them what my mother and I was going through, I didn't tell them of how my father was slowly deteriorating by the day because I felt like they didn't care. But afterwards I know deep down they did.. maybe they were just busy or couldn't handle seeing their old man like that. *shrugs*

Try not to let your sister get to you. What matters is your mother and that she's okay. So now you know what your sister is like, you'll know what to do and how to work around her so she doesn't think the same way. Like they say, actions speak louder than words, she can't fault you or put you down if you show her that you did do something. Good luck, maidendeth and I hope for a speedy recovery for your mother. Keep strong, yeah. *hugs*
 
thank you lady, i do understand what youre saying. i tried to talk to her but she cut me off and ill just accept it as that. ill just be there for my mother, whether my sister wants to get over this or not. im actually going to start a job as my mothers homecare provider monday, so hopefully it will ease the pressure off my sister a bit. i guess we all have our different ways of dealing with these kind of things, i just need to find a different way of dealing (not shutting myself out from others) because it turns out to do more harm than good. thank you everyone for the replies. i have a few friends but so far have only told one, just to let her know i might not be available as much as i used to be, but other than that i havent actually talked about it. so thanks :)
 
Lots of hugs, maidendeth.
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Unfortunately she deals with fear, and the idea of loss with stress induced anger... She cannot blame your mom for what is happening, so instead any small detail from anyone else around (unfortunately you, and the situation of not calling) allows her to vent, without that little detail being what she is REALLY upset about.

My family did the same thing with my sister in law in the hospital, and did it when she passed away. People either "accepted it" and expected everyone else to, or they shut down, or they vented AT someone for a stupid little detail, making that person (sadly, me) feel like crap while already feeling like crap. (Guess there are multiple levels of "crappy feeling"...) So I definitely understand what you are going through.

Take what she says with a grain of salt. She really doesn't mean it. She's just looking to place the blame somewhere - anywhere - and sadly you're the one caught in the crossfire.
 
Unfortunately that seems to be true and I've been taking it with a grain of salt but its been really hard to not say anything and just continue being here. Quick update, today I had a meeting with my mother and supervisor about home care. My sister was here as well and I thought it was going fine. The supervisor asked who's been here lately, I said it was mostly my sister but these past few days I've been here during the day and shell stay at night. I don't know what happened but she flipped her switch and walked away, packing her stuff. My mother stopped the interview to go over to her to ask what was wrong and my sister said outloud "I'm leaving for a couple of days". My mother was really confused and she went to the bathroom with my sister to talk. I have no idea what was said. She won't talk to me. Nobody will. Anyway my mom comes back in tears an complaining of her stomach hurting (her cancer is uterine). I know that could be her way of dealing with everything going on, but it really is affecting my mother in a bad way. It's stressing her out. I've been doing everything I could lately to help out and ease the stress off my sister. Everytime I'm here though, she's just in my mothers room talking on Skype to her new husband in the uk. She avoids me like the plague. Ill deal, but I just hate how it's affecting my mother.
 
This sounds like a very difficult time for each of you, though each of you seems to be experiencing different sorts of frustration. I hope things improve for all of you.
 
maidendeth said:
Unfortunately that seems to be true and I've been taking it with a grain of salt but its been really hard to not say anything and just continue being here. Quick update, today I had a meeting with my mother and supervisor about home care. My sister was here as well and I thought it was going fine. The supervisor asked who's been here lately, I said it was mostly my sister but these past few days I've been here during the day and shell stay at night. I don't know what happened but she flipped her switch and walked away, packing her stuff. My mother stopped the interview to go over to her to ask what was wrong and my sister said outloud "I'm leaving for a couple of days". My mother was really confused and she went to the bathroom with my sister to talk. I have no idea what was said. She won't talk to me. Nobody will. Anyway my mom comes back in tears an complaining of her stomach hurting (her cancer is uterine). I know that could be her way of dealing with everything going on, but it really is affecting my mother in a bad way. It's stressing her out. I've been doing everything I could lately to help out and ease the stress off my sister. Everytime I'm here though, she's just in my mothers room talking on Skype to her new husband in the uk. She avoids me like the plague. Ill deal, but I just hate how it's affecting my mother.

Could you stay with your mom for a week or two? Or take her at your place? It sounds you sister`s not of much help, on the contrary, her attitude does more harm than good. Which is highly not recommended for patients with cancer especially. My feeling is, your sister needs herself help. Think of a solution for your mom and yourself. Your sister seems pretty stubborn and non-cooperative. I think it`s time some limits are clearly drawn there or else everybody only gets hurt and in your mom`s case, her health worse.
I`m sorry things aren`t easier for you, your mom`s illness is bad enough and there`s no need for extra tension in the house between the three of you. :( At the same time I`m glad you noticed it in time and took some action, which shows how strong you are. I trust you`ll sort things out in a positive way. (Hug)
 
Thank you guys for your replies and support, its means alot. though yesterday was a tough day for all of us, I think today we made some improvement. My mom is still having her complications, weve been waiting for some test results for her lungs. She will have a hysterectomy, but shes been having trouble breathing and the doctors are checking if the cancer might've spread there before they get to the surgery. But she seemed to be a bit more positive today. My sister made an effort to sit in the living room with us, theres still some tension i can feel but i think in time hopefully it will subside. I have thought of staying a couple of nights at my mothers, Im just waiting for the opportunity to talk to my sister. I know I really should say something but im still feeling a little intimidated to say anything.
 
silver birch leaves said:
You did great already I think. Take next step when ready :)

Yeah, gotta agree. You're doing good, and I hope it continues to go all right for you.
 
another update. things were going good. but then last night my mom started having trouble breathing again and her stomach pain had reach her limit. she was taken by ems to the hospital where she was put into icu. at first the nurses were saying she was fine, shes suffering from mild pneumonia. but her blood pressure is really low, she normally has high blood pressure. i stuck around for a few hours but had to leave as i didnt have much money to stay parked in the garage any longer. as soon as i got home my sister called to say she spoke to the doctor and he said her body is filled with fluid, her kidneys are failing and theyre starting dialysis immediately. with her low blood pressure, her cancer, and all her other health issues she might not pull through and she would have to be put on life support. im so devastated and scared right now. i feel so horrible because i reassured everything would be fine and she was getting better. she held my hand and said she was scared and i told her i know but everything will be fine. but the doctor is now saying shes not looking good. im hoping she can pull through this but its looking bleak :'(
 
Oh maidendeth, I'm so sorry :( *hugs* stay strong. I hope your mother will pull through this all right.
 
Everything will work out just fine, maidendeth. Have faith!
Encourage your mom as much as you can, the mental attitude is very important. She is in good hands where she can get the best care 24/24.
As for you: your mom WILL pull through and YOU too. Fear is normal in such situations. These are the highs and lows of cancer patients. (Big&warm hug).
 

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