do you actually want friends?

How many lonely/friendless people actually want friends? As a loner myself, I am naturally drawn to other loners, eccentrics, social outcasts etc. I don't have social anxiety and I am able to strike up conversations for the most part (with people who I feel I may be able to relate to) but when I do, the other party seems to reject my advances.

A good example is back when I was in school, I sat next to this girl who I had a lot in common with, someone who was probably picked on in school and considered a 'nerd' like me and we spoke a lot in class. She would say things out loud to me like "I just moved into the area and I have no knowledge of how to get around. I just want to drive around and see things but I have no one to go with", so I'm assuming this is an invitation and I say "Well, I'll go with you! I'm new to the area too and wouldn't mind looking around with you", after that she just dropped the subject and the next time I saw her she brought it up and said, "yeah last weekend I just was driving around alone" and I'm thinking, " really?!!! I said I could go with you!".

Other examples are people saying "I'll be so bored this weekend I have no friends or anything to do. I just stay in my house all day and night and do nothing." So I'm thinking that a) I can relate and b) they're giving me an opening to invite them out or want someone to hang with, so then I say "hey, we should hang out together because I don't get out I'm usually home doing nothing as well. so, we can both get out!". Then the person will never contact me but then the next time I see them, I ask them about their weekend and they'll say "oh, I was just bored doing nothing as usual" once again, I'm just thinking " really?!"

As a friendless person I would jump at the chance to get out and hang out with some other like minded individuals if they invited me out, so I don't really understand what's going wrong. Its actually hurtful when people put it out there that they want friends and then I try to initiate that, but they don't accept it. Its one thing if a person doesn't communicate their loneliness, you initiate, and they reject you but its a whole other situation when they say to your face that they have no friends, you try to be their friend, and they deny you. Maybe I'm not the exact person they want to associate with... maybe I'm not cool enough for them? What do people actually want? Do lonely people actually want friends or not? If someone wants to pursue a friendship with you do you actually accept it? Do friendless people have preference about the types of people they associate with (should they even be allowed to have preference?)?

input would be greatly appreciated

How many lonely/friendless people actually want friends?

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God knows I do. So tired of doing honeysuckle alone or not doing anything at all.

Maybe I'm not the exact person they want to associate with... maybe I'm not cool enough for them?

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That probably is it. Some people are shallow when it comes to that stuff, I have no idea why but it's stupid. As a friendless person I, too, would jump at the chance to hang out with someone. I'll hang out with anyone as long as they aren't a dick.

I don't know if this helps heh.

The way I see it, some loners are actualy loners by choice (introverts) and some other just feel defeated to the point that they say they would like some friends, but when the chance appears they are either too used to be alone or too scared to try and make a friend, so they revert back to their usual habits. You are one of the active ones, that is you are aware that you want friends and try to make some and I congratulate you for that, I'd say keep trying until you find a loner who wants to make friends too, you'll pretty much hit it off from there.

jayme89 said:

A good example is back when I was in school, I sat next to this girl who I had a lot in common with, someone who was probably picked on in school and considered a 'nerd' like me and we spoke a lot in class. She would say things out loud to me like "I just moved into the area and I have no knowledge of how to get around. I just want to drive around and see things but I have no one to go with", so I'm assuming this is an invitation and I say "Well, I'll go with you! I'm new to the area too and wouldn't mind looking around with you", after that she just dropped the subject and the next time I saw her she brought it up and said, "yeah last weekend I just was driving around alone" and I'm thinking, " really?!!! I said I could go with you!".

Other examples are people saying "I'll be so bored this weekend I have no friends or anything to do. I just stay in my house all day and night and do nothing." So I'm thinking that a) I can relate and b) they're giving me an opening to invite them out or want someone to hang with, so then I say "hey, we should hang out together because I don't get out I'm usually home doing nothing as well. so, we can both get out!". Then the person will never contact me but then the next time I see them, I ask them about their weekend and they'll say "oh, I was just bored doing nothing as usual" once again, I'm just thinking " really?!"

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To me this sounds as if this person is either looking for sympathy, trying to make conversation, is an attention teaser, or they got a better offer which resulted in them not even bothering to contact you.

jayme89 said:

As a friendless person I would jump at the chance to get out and hang out with some other like minded individuals if they invited me out, so I don't really understand what's going wrong. Its actually hurtful when people put it out there that they want friends and then I try to initiate that, but they don't accept it. Its one thing if a person doesn't communicate their loneliness, you initiate, and they reject you but its a whole other situation when they say to your face that they have no friends, you try to be their friend, and they deny you. Maybe I'm not the exact person they want to associate with... maybe I'm not cool enough for them? What do people actually want? Do lonely people actually want friends or not? If someone wants to pursue a friendship with you do you actually accept it? Do friendless people have preference about the types of people they associate with (should they even be allowed to have preference?)?

input would be greatly appreciated

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A good thing to keep in mind is that although you have things in common with a person, it doesn't mean that they're good people like yourself, or that they even want other friendships. They could have a lot in common with you, but still be a turd.

a nice girlfriend would be lovely, friends not too bothered about. Happy as I am.

I do this. I use to say things like that to people because I was extending an invite, but after so many times of being shut down by people or them backing out at the last minute I got so disappointed and it has added a lot to my lonliness/depression. Now I say it just to be nice because I no longer expect anyone to actually go and now I'm so deep in my depression that I don't want anyone to go. I'd rather just be alone until I start feeling better mentally but I still say it to be polite.

Razzberry said:

I do this. I use to say things like that to people because I was extending an invite, but after so many times of being shut down by people or them backing out at the last minute I got so disappointed and it has added a lot to my lonliness/depression. Now I say it just to be nice because I no longer expect anyone to actually go and now I'm so deep in my depression that I don't want anyone to go. I'd rather just be alone until I start feeling better mentally but I still say it to be polite.

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which part is polite? extending the invite to someone or saying you want friends but then rejecting the person later?

As of May, not at all. To me more friends means more people that won't hang out with me. Even if I go to them and ask.

One thing to remember is that friends are just people, as flawed as everyone else and lost in thier owne lives too who may let you down.

But, a friend is someone who doesn't do so deliberatly, someone who you can talk to and be at ease with, who will support you if they can.

If the past year has taught me anything it's that it's nice to know you do have people who think about you and care for you, and it's nice to be able to offer the same.

Oh, and I'd say with friends it really is quality not quantity that counts, but thats just my opinion.

jayme89 said:

Razzberry said:

I do this. I use to say things like that to people because I was extending an invite, but after so many times of being shut down by people or them backing out at the last minute I got so disappointed and it has added a lot to my lonliness/depression. Now I say it just to be nice because I no longer expect anyone to actually go and now I'm so deep in my depression that I don't want anyone to go. I'd rather just be alone until I start feeling better mentally but I still say it to be polite.

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which part is polite? extending the invite to someone or saying you want friends but then rejecting the person later?

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I extend the invite to be polite, but in the past year I've never had anyone actually take it. So I still say it to be polite bc I know they won't accept but if on a rare chance they did, I don't feel I am in a place right now to accept it. I use to accept them, but then would always be stood up or to have them cancel at the last minute for some other reason.

Razzberry said:

jayme89 said:

Razzberry said:

I do this. I use to say things like that to people because I was extending an invite, but after so many times of being shut down by people or them backing out at the last minute I got so disappointed and it has added a lot to my lonliness/depression. Now I say it just to be nice because I no longer expect anyone to actually go and now I'm so deep in my depression that I don't want anyone to go. I'd rather just be alone until I start feeling better mentally but I still say it to be polite.

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which part is polite? extending the invite to someone or saying you want friends but then rejecting the person later?

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I extend the invite to be polite, but in the past year I've never had anyone actually take it. So I still say it to be polite bc I know they won't accept but if on a rare chance they did, I don't feel I am in a place right now to accept it. I use to accept them, but then would always be stood up or to have them cancel at the last minute for some other reason.

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yeah well i'm just gonna stop wasting my time and being nice when people do this. now i know they're not sincere

The same thing happens to me all the time. I extend myself and it's never reciprocated, whether they're lonely and friendless or not.

I don't have any advice since I've never found a solution (if there even is one). Best of luck, though.

then you will be a rich man indeed

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But i'm a woman!!! LOL. (joking)

If I didn't want any, I would not be here. For any online environment, I always have that hope. . .

There's a latin phrase, but I only remember the english translation: Without friends, life is sad.

jayme89 said:

then you will be a rich man indeed

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But i'm a woman!!! LOL. (joking)

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Then, an edit: Find one real friend & you will be fortunate, find two or three & you will be a rich carbon-based life form indeed!

I'm not sure why they didn't accept your invitation, but maybe they just feel awkward around strangers. I once went alone to a festival to meet up with some acquaintances but it was very strained, especially since they were friends with each other.

I've had people say they want to create a meetup (instead of complaining they had no one to do anything with) but they never put their foot forward. I guess because they don't want to try or deal with the negative feelings that might come if they fail.

You just need to meet people who are actually interested in meeting other people, I think. I'm going through this myself. *hugs*

jayme89 said:

How many lonely/friendless people actually want friends? As a loner myself, I am naturally drawn to other loners, eccentrics, social outcasts etc. I don't have social anxiety and I am able to strike up conversations for the most part (with people who I feel I may be able to relate to) but when I do, the other party seems to reject my advances.

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Yes I'd really like friends. And I feel pretty much the same way you do. I'm always drawn to other loners and people who keep to themselves. Although I am very shy and I do occasionally talk to others but sometimes I hold myself back from saying anything. If you ever need anyone to talk too ever, send me a message. I'm always willing on listening. =)

jayme89 said:

How many lonely/friendless people actually want friends?

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I think you have to look at it from a different perspective. As you said in your post, you are looking for friends who are similar to you, not only in respect of your interests, but also your personality and experiences. However, you have to remember that everyone is different.

Take me as an example. I have no interest in being friends with someone with whom I've got nothing in common with and more importantly, someone who has a very social and outgoing personality. It just wouldn't work out and in the past it never has. I do enjoy going out and seeing/doing things, but only to a certain extent. After a while, I just get bored and tired of being in strange/foreign places. I guess I am more comfortable in my own surroundings. I would rather spend quality time with friends or family than running around all over the place.

Besides going out, such people are never satisfied with having 1 or 2 friends or just having a small gathering. They always want to invite more people over or go to this or that party. Again, I do like a party every now and again, but not too often. In the end, they will just get angry with me for saying "no thanks" too many times or for me not enjoying social events as much as they do. Of course, the same applies to relationships, which is one of the reasons why I rarely put myself out there.

Back to your post, the friend you mentioned might just be the exact opposite. Although she might have been a social outcast or a "nerd", she could have yearned for social interaction. Her biggest wish could have been to be part of a large group of friends, other than me. Maybe she believed that becoming friends with you, even though you had a lot in common, might not have helped her in that regard? Maybe she would have jumped at the chance of going out with some other people in class, even if they had very little in common with her? Maybe she wanted to be something or someone other than herself?

Regardless, you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. I know that's easier said than done, but at the end of the day everyone is trying to find themselves. And sometimes people get hurt in the process. I just think people should try to take it less personally. Sometimes people just don't match up.

As has already been said, you look for people who are similar to you. I personally am aware that at times I may not seem introverted, but I don't really have a social life and I don't want one tbh. However, you can't easily find people who are similar to you but have no social life. That's my personal experience anyway.

I wouldn't mind having more friends, but they'd have to be very specific, and you can't dictate the characters of people I'm afraid.