When people don't commit

I've been trying to go to a book club with a friend of mine who says he is interested. But, I've been doing most of the research. He's been giving me noncommital answers. So, I finally just called him out on it and said I was going to go to one alone and maybe we can go to another one next month.

I had another friend who agreed to do some cooking at her place, but she kept saying she wasn't feeling well, then she was "sick," and finally, she offered to have lunch together because she was in the neighborhood and it was convenient for her. So I went to the lunch, but at the same time, I just didn't understand why she said yes to the first thing in the first place.

I don't understand why people just don't say "no" instead of stringing someone along. I get angrier when time is wasted and when I feel my friendship is being taken for granted.

What do you guys think about people who don't follow through?

Sometimes life gets in the way of life.

Sometimes people use that (^) statement as an easy out .

If you really want a commitment from friends then after the soft (cordial) asking (or after their first blow off) , get them to give you their word. If they then are willing to blow things off without a valid excuse then they have little self honor, and really do you want to give an extra effort toward that friendship. Drop them down into the acquaintance category (as that is basically where they are putting you) and move along.

Now if the people in question are introverted or socially awkward , then they might have the intention of following through , they are just overwhelmed by the whole thing.


Whatever it is , it's best to talk it over with them , and voice your concerns.

People who do that intentionally I don't think are worth my time really.

I've had lots of friends like that. Sometimes they would cancel on me and not even bother to let me know about it, and I would just sit there, wasting my night expecting them. Eventually I decided I was tired of chasing them, and being "penciled in", and hearing the promises and excuses, and I started waiting for them to initiate contact for once. I haven't heard from them since.

Solivagant said:

I've had lots of friends like that. Sometimes they would cancel on me and not even bother to let me know about it, and I would just sit there, wasting my night expecting them. Eventually I decided I was tired of chasing them, and being "penciled in", and hearing the promises and excuses, and I started waiting for them to initiate contact for once. I haven't heard from them since.

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Same thing happened to me, word for word. Now I only devote time to people who do seek me out too. You'll be surprised oh how much better you are treated once you stop being taken for granted, OP.

Just seems there's something broken about a lot of people. I get this in my work a lot lately - people approach me, ask about what I do, I state my fee and they say that's fine, we agree on what I'm going to do and all's good to go ahead. Then they just vanish and if I message to say what happened, no reply... So I'm not only left with a kind of "WTF?" feeling but also left wondering how I'll pay the bills at the end of the month having spent about an hour emailing some random person to setup a deal and not getting a penny for any of that time.

When the same thing is happening on a social level as well (you spend an evening with someone you consider a friend, and you just message them to say it was a good evening and it would be great to do it again sometime and you haven't heard back 2 weeks later...) it just starts to look like a lot of people either don't respect other people's time/feelings, have totally chaotic schedules, or just don't have room in their heads to think about other people...

Sometimes saying "no" outright may feel like you are letting someone down, or hurting their feelings. That is why some people hesitate to answer, or create a "perhaps" sort of answer. I've stopped doing that (that's right, I used to do it in an attempt to spare someone's feelings), but I never strung them along. I would end up doing what I said I would do.... Without really wanting to do it at all.

I try to make sure to answer any sort of message, whether it be email, text, etc... But I usually get the people who take days, weeks (or never bother at all) to reply.

Excuses became the easy way out of doing something; Excuses are for those who are lazy or perhaps procrastinate way too much. Unfortunately, it doesn't damage/hurt just one person - but everyone around them.

There's different reasons why people do this, some examples are:

• They agree thinking it's a good idea at the time but then change their mind or feel differently at the last minute.
• They agree thinking it's a good idea but then something better comes along.
• They don't want to disappoint you by saying 'no' but often keep neglecting to tell you until they end up disappointing you anyway.
• They agree but later realize it'll conflict with existing (or new) plans so change the current ones or put it off.
• They don't think it'll bother you too much to cancel or put it off.
• They don't care and are selfish.

But sometimes they could be just telling the truth when saying that they're unwell or whatever, it's something best to confront them about.

I wanted to thank everyone for their opinions and insight. I might be over-sensitive because I've had a lot of people recently "use" me. I've confronted some people and am choosing to minimize my contact with others.

edamame721 said:

I wanted to thank everyone for their opinions and insight. I might be over-sensitive because I've had a lot of people recently "use" me. I've confronted some people and am choosing to minimize my contact with others.

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Yeah it's best to stay away from those type of people. You need people in you're life who won't string you along and will actually put the effort in. What you did is the best thing. =)

Hope things are better for you!