Question About A Girl I've Been Hanging Out With [Need Advice!]

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Jim103BMS

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Hey guys, I want to say that this website is filled with really helpful and insightful information!
Also, please forgive me if this isn't in the right section of the forum.

Had a question I'd like to ask you guys. There's kind of a long story tied with this question, just as a heads up.

Over the past couple of months, I've been hanging out with this girl (around 3 times so far). That used to be a co-worker until she left that job. I truly believe we get along great, I always have a great time talking to her, and making each other laugh. But during that time, I didn't make it obvious that I wanted something more than a friendship.

Anyways, as time went on I began to have feelings for her. Only problem is, from an appearance perspective, I don't think I have a chance with this girl. Besides that, then I would say I have a decent chance with her.

I gave her a letter telling her how I feel, and after she read that, she said that I was a great guy friend to have, since I never made her uncomfortable. But basically telling me no, and being just friends is best. Which was fine, and I was ready to move on.

Until the guy that she started going out with 10 months ago, told me that she had texted him out of nowhere around 1am, and after picking her up, they had sex. I believe this is the first time they've seen each other in a long time. This happened about 1 week before handing her the letter.

Now what really makes me angry is that they only went out for 1 month, and in that 1 month span, they broke up like 3 times. After that was done, I was told by her multiple times that he would message her, trying to get back together, and she would ignore him, or simply say, that she's not interested in a relationship, and she wants to be just friends.

The worst part about this is, I would never expect this girl to be the one to randomly text a guy she had no interest in, out of nowhere, to have sex with randomly.

I'm angry because, I've treated her so much better than the other guy has, and spent a fair amount of $ on her, while going out. And if she's having sex with a guy that she considers "just a friend", and hasn't seen in a long time, compared to me, where I've seen her on a fairly consistent basis, and we message each other quite regularly. Then why am I not getting the same treatment?

I have a good idea, and I feel it's because of my appearance (heavyset). To her credit, before I handed her the note, describing how I feel about her, she did say she wanted to hang out, and that she had something to say about what happened between her and the other guy.

Is my anger warranted/ justified? And what would you recommend me do from here?

Here's what I had planned. I'm going to hang out with her one more time, and see if she mentions anything about the night with that other guy. If she conveniently leaves the "having sex with him" part out, then I was going to mention something about the other guy saying something different that happened that night, and see what her reaction is.

Then, I was going to bring up the fact that she told me that she was 'done' with the other guy, and would still be his friend... nothing more. I would then say, well aren't we friends too? If so, then why didn't you have sex with me too?

I'll be like, I'm sorry, but I just can't get past the fact that you'd do that with the other guy, which you haven't seen in a long time, and barley talk to, compared to me, that treats you right, has never hit on you, and will do anything for you.

I'm going to face her, and say, be honest, is the reason why you want do anything with me is because of my body? And if it seems she's sugar coating anything, I'll be like, alright let me be honest with you, I like you because of your personality, and how cute you are. That combination drives me crazy, and I would want nothing more than to have sex with a girl like you.

Now I'm sure I can phrase it a bit better than that, but I was aiming something along those lines. My thought process being that, if she's to scared to tell me that she won't have sex with me because of my body, then I would tell her something totally honest, and out of character for me to say to her.

Or, if possible I was going to make her feel bad about doing what she did. Again, I'd be honest and tell her, that she's been the first girl that I ever did these types of things with (hanging out) And tell her, the reason why I feel so upset about this situation, is that you mean a lot to me. And for you to do that, really did hurt me.

When I do hangout with her next time, how likely would it be that I'd end up having sex with her? Since I've never tried and made a move on her when we hungout before. Do you think she'd throw me a bone after being so honest? Or be completely dismissive about it, walk away, and that would be the last time I'd see her?
 
Jim103BMS said:
Then why am I not getting the same treatment?

Because she considers you a friend and nothing more. She does consider this other guy to be more than a friend, whether she admits it to you or not. The question is, are you her friend, or are you hanging out with her in the hope that she'll be with you someday?

Jim103BMS said:
Is my anger warranted/ justified? And what would you recommend me do from here?

Well, you feel what you feel, right? I don't think your anger is productive though. It isn't helping you.

Jim103BMS said:
I would then say, well aren't we friends too? If so, then why didn't you have sex with me too?

That sounds like a horrible thing to say, and you're just asking for an argument.

She already told you that she is not romantically interested in you. If you think there's a chance that she has changed her mind, then ask her: "Do you see me as more than a friend? Would you ever go out with me?"

There is no need to play mind games with her. Just be honest with her about how much you like her. Don't try to make her feel guilty. Doing that would be dishonest and kind of cruel. If you care about her, treat her the way you would want to be treated: With honesty and respect.

Jim103BMS said:
I'm going to face her, and say, be honest, is the reason why you want do anything with me is because of my body?

Asking her why she is not interested in you is fine, but again, don't try to make her feel bad about it. The way you want to ask her sounds almost like an accusation: "I'm not good enough for you, is that it?" That kind of thing comes off as manipulative and unattractive. She doesn't have a responsibility or commitment to be with you. The heart wants what it wants.

So instead, just say, "May I ask why you are not interested in me?" and be prepared, because she might not be specific. It might be as simple as you not being her type.

Jim103BMS said:
and I would want nothing more than to have sex with a girl like you.

Lol, no. Reducing your feelings to your need for sex makes it sound like that's all you're interested in, no matter what else you say. She's not a prostitute, man! Make her feel special!

Jim103BMS said:
Or, if possible I was going to make her feel bad about doing what she did.

Do you like it when people make you feel bad about something that you've done? Why would you want to make anyone feel bad, especially a girl you like?

Telling her how you feel is a good idea. Making her feel bad in any way, or trying to trick or manipulate her is not a good idea.

Jim103BMS said:
When I do hangout with her next time, how likely would it be that I'd end up having sex with her?

Why does it matter?!

You have to let go of these feelings of anger and resentment. She's allowed to be with whoever she's wants, and she doesn't owe you anything, not even an explanation. If you care about her and actually want to be her friend, then be supportive while still telling her your opinion. Care about her happiness as much as you care about your own.

If you are only hanging out with her because you're after one thing, and you are willing to make her feel bad to get it, it won't work out for you.
 
Think about this girl and how rocky her relationship is with this guy...would you want the same?

I know it hurts being rejected, but maybe she's not the one for you. Also, she was honest with her feelings by saying she considered you a good friend. If you can't be happy with her friendship, then do the right thing and let her go. You can't win someone's love by spending money on them and it looks like you're hurting more than she is.
 
Jim103BMS said:
Then, I was going to bring up the fact that she told me that she was 'done' with the other guy, and would still be his friend... nothing more. I would then say, well aren't we friends too? If so, then why didn't you have sex with me too?

It's not wrong to be looking (mostly) for one thing, but it probably is wrong to criticize her for her the choices she has made. If you did that, then you would probably be left with nothing, not even friendship.
 
Jim103BMS said:
I have a good idea, and I feel it's because of my appearance (heavyset).

This isn't the reason she won't have sex with you.

Jim103BMS said:
I'm angry because, I've treated her so much better than the other guy has, and spent a fair amount of $ on her, while going out. And if she's having sex with a guy that she considers "just a friend", and hasn't seen in a long time, compared to me, where I've seen her on a fairly consistent basis, and we message each other quite regularly. Then why am I not getting the same treatment?

This is the reason. Spending money and being nice to girls does not entitle you to sex.

This may be harsh, but I would be willing to bet your looks aren't the problem, your personality is - you hang out with this girl pretending to be her friend, and rather than be happy for her when she has sex, you are angry with her. If one of your male friends got laid, would you be angry with him? So why would it be different that it's a female friend? The difference is, you aren't really her friend.

And the fact that you plan to ambush her and try to make her feel bad about having sex with this other guy just reinforces that.

My advice is that you stop hanging out with this girl and try to find someone else, without using the pretense of friendship to be around her.
 
^ well said theraab, being misled will cause various emotional & perhaps psychological issues depending on the bond
 
I know EXACTLY what you're going through to a lesser degree. Being the nice guy to a girl and having her pick somebody over you who's an *******. You sir have discovered what the friend zone is.

People are attracted to who they're attracted to. Especially the better looking ones who tend to only be attracted to other hot people. It probably is the fact that you're heavyset. If you were a hot guy, would you have rather have sex with someone in good shape or a heavier woman?

You're also looking at the sex too seriously. Sex to many people is a very animalistic impulsive act. Which guys turn you on? Have sex with that guy. It's also not very serious either nowadays. So many people look at sex like it's just casual fun. We can have sex, get intimate, but it doesn't mean anything. We're not going out, or attached in anyway. We're just friends. It's no big deal.

I've felt what you've felt and thought the same way. But I had to grow up and so will you. This view you have is childish. Saying life isn't fair, you should be with me, because I treat you better. That's just not the way it works. I wish it was. I was the best friend of a girl. Told her I wanted more. She started seeing a scumbag who turned her on because he was a bad boy. I got into an argument with the guy I told her I thought she should be careful around him. It pissed her off. She cut off the friendship with me so she could see the guy. Eventually scumbag turned into a scumbag. He was using her, to make another girl jealous. The guy started talking honeysuckle to her. My friend sent photos to the scumbag (which shocked me) and he forwarded it to the other girl. I told my friend all this. She eventually came back to me and I welcomed her like an idiot. But the stupidest part is, they would still meet up and she was still into him even after what he did to her. The point is, sex for many is based on attraction, attraction is based on emotion, and emotions aren't logical. Why do you think everyone says nice guys finish last?

I would also say to all the people saying you misled her, you did no such thing. You gave her a letter telling her you wanted more. She knows you're attracted to her and want more than friendship. She's just happy to keep you around because you are a good non-threatening friend. That being said people are right in that you're probably better off moving on. Not because you're being unfair to her, but because if you're like me, you'll just get stuck on this girl for a long long time. Nothing will ever come of it, and you'll just be wasting your time instead of finding the person you need to find.
 
lostatsea said:
I would also say to all the people saying you misled her, you did no such thing. You gave her a letter telling her you wanted more. She knows you're attracted to her and want more than friendship. She's just happy to keep you around because you are a good non-threatening friend. That being said people are right in that you're probably better off moving on. Not because you're being unfair to her, but because if you're like me, you'll just get stuck on this girl for a long long time. Nothing will ever come of it, and you'll just be wasting your time instead of finding the person you need to find.

Well a somewhat callous response from you, both telling him that the reason she won't hook-up is probably because he's heavy, and then telling him he has a childish view of things. Not so, the only view he has is one of inexperience.. I suspect the OP may be new to all this or at least has minimal experience.

So then if you believe his "heavy set nature" will not allow him to hook up with attractive women, and he should forget about this girl because she will not offer him what he seeks.. well then who is this person he needs to find? Do you suggest he looks for women of "average and below" appearance? You may not be saying that precisely, but that's what I see in between the lines...
 
Wow....just wow.

I'm angry because, I've treated her so much better than the other guy has, and spent a fair amount of $ on her, while going out. And if she's having sex with a guy that she considers "just a friend", and hasn't seen in a long time, compared to me, where I've seen her on a fairly consistent basis, and we message each other quite regularly. Then why am I not getting the same treatment?

You're not even being genuinely nice. You're only being nice to her because you want something from her, sex. It makes me laugh that you expect her to sleep with you because you've spent money on her and that you consider yourself to be a 'nicer person' than this other dude. You made the choice to spend that money, she made the choice to not have sex with you because..well...SHE DOESN'T WANT TO. You have no right to be mad. You're not in a relationship, she never led you on, and she even told you that she just wants to be friends. Sure, you can be jealous that this other guy is 'getting what you want', but that's it.

I have a good idea, and I feel it's because of my appearance (heavyset). To her credit, before I handed her the note, describing how I feel about her, she did say she wanted to hang out

Now you're just assuming stuff. It could be a lot of things. Personality, common interests, etc. Then again, it could be your weight. Who knows? You can't be mad at her for not wanting to date, let alone have sex with, someone she's not physically and/or mentally attracted to though. Maybe she wanted to just hang out because she thought you were her friend. Maybe you should have told her "Hey, I'm only being nice and acting like your friend because I want to date you/have sex with you, and that's it. See how well that goes over.

Here's what I had planned. I'm going to hang out with her one more time, and see if she mentions anything about the night with that other guy. If she conveniently leaves the "having sex with him" part out, then I was going to mention something about the other guy saying something different that happened that night, and see what her reaction is.

Then, I was going to bring up the fact that she told me that she was 'done' with the other guy, and would still be his friend... nothing more. I would then say, well aren't we friends too? If so, then why didn't you have sex with me too?

You have no business in who she does or does not have sex with. None, whatsoever. Like I said earlier, she never led you on nor is she in a relationship with you. You have no say in what she does. She can go have sex with a billion different men, and guess what? You have NO SAY in the matter. Why? Because it's none of your **** business! If she doesn't want to tell you that she had sex with someone, that is her choice. If she doesn't want to have sex with you, then she's not going to, plain and simple. Quit trying to make her feel bad for not wanting you.

I'll be like, I'm sorry, but I just can't get past the fact that you'd do that with the other guy, which you haven't seen in a long time, and barley talk to, compared to me, that treats you right, has never hit on you, and will do anything for you.

So, she should have sex with you, because you're nice to her, because you want to have sex with her. That makes so much sense. She's not sexually attracted to you, get over it. Get past the fact that she wants to have sex with other men. She can go do whatever she wants.

I'm going to face her, and say, be honest, is the reason why you want do anything with me is because of my body? And if it seems she's sugar coating anything, I'll be like, alright let me be honest with you, I like you because of your personality, and how cute you are. That combination drives me crazy, and I would want nothing more than to have sex with a girl like you.

Well guess what. She doesn't want to have sex with a man like you. Saying those types of things just ends up making you look like a creeper. Also, the truth hurts, so be careful in what you ask if you don't want her honest answer.

Or, if possible I was going to make her feel bad about doing what she did. Again, I'd be honest and tell her, that she's been the first girl that I ever did these types of things with (hanging out) And tell her, the reason why I feel so upset about this situation, is that you mean a lot to me. And for you to do that, really did hurt me.

When I do hangout with her next time, how likely would it be that I'd end up having sex with her? Since I've never tried and made a move on her when we hungout before. Do you think she'd throw me a bone after being so honest? Or be completely dismissive about it, walk away, and that would be the last time I'd see her?

You're going to try and make her feel bad for having sex with someone she's obviously attracted to in some way, because she wouldn't have sex with you because she's not romantically, physically, or emotionally attracted to you. This is totally stupid. Quit being jealous of the other guy. Move on. You have no reason to be upset. You have a 0% chance of having sex with her, ever. I hope this is the last time you ever see her, because honestly...you're one of the worst "friends" she could have.
---------------------------------
EDIT: I'd also like to add this video, once again, for the claim that "nice guys finish last". :club:

[video=youtube]
 
Batman55 said:
lostatsea said:
I would also say to all the people saying you misled her, you did no such thing. You gave her a letter telling her you wanted more. She knows you're attracted to her and want more than friendship. She's just happy to keep you around because you are a good non-threatening friend. That being said people are right in that you're probably better off moving on. Not because you're being unfair to her, but because if you're like me, you'll just get stuck on this girl for a long long time. Nothing will ever come of it, and you'll just be wasting your time instead of finding the person you need to find.

Well a somewhat callous response from you, both telling him that the reason she won't hook-up is probably because he's heavy, and then telling him he has a childish view of things. Not so, the only view he has is one of inexperience.. I suspect the OP may be new to all this or at least has minimal experience.

So then if you believe his "heavy set nature" will not allow him to hook up with attractive women, and he should forget about this girl because she will not offer him what he seeks.. well then who is this person he needs to find? Do you suggest he looks for women of "average and below" appearance? You may not be saying that precisely, but that's what I see in between the lines...

Don't let your own insecurities cloud statements toward other people. You see that in between the lines because you want to see it that way.

In THIS specific instance I do believe it's his physical appearance? Why? Because the OP believes it, and the facts indicate it very well might be. She enjoys his company as a friend, and they get along. They do hang out talk/text. Either way, she is completely uninterested in anything physical. Why? Because better looking people would prefer to stick with better looking people. Everyone ideally wants the best they can find. Fact of life.

I suggest he find another women who period. Someone who might be interested. Whether that be better looking or worse doesn't matter up to the point of whether or not they're interested.
 
Alright, thanks so much for those reply's guys. I really appreciate you taking the time to try and help me out!

@lostatsea "So many people look at sex like it's just casual fun. We can have sex, get intimate, but it doesn't mean anything. We're not going out, or attached in anyway. We're just friends. It's no big deal."
If that is true, and since we're both friends could I ever expect this to happen, even while in the friendzone, and with my weight problem aside?

To those of you that think that I started being friends with her just to have sex is wrong. I mean, of course I'd like it, but just the fact that we were hanging out was good enough for me! I'd have no problem with her having sex with her BF, or any guy that showed interest in her.

But, it's the fact that the guy she did end up doing this with was a guy that she said countless times was to no interest to her anymore, and that she said "I'm happy to be just friends". She told me about this other guy that started talking to her, but eventually had to stop. So, she was trying to find someone else.

It makes me feel like honeysuckle, knowing that she's up for that type of stuff, and didn't consider me. Again, the guy she ended up having sex with hasn't really been in contact, or has seen her in a looonnnggg time.

Anyways, I thought of something new to say to her. It would go something like this "There's something I need to say. You've been the closest person I could ever consider to be a girlfriend. I know we're not dating, but you do mean a lot to me. And that's why when that guy came to me and told me what happened the other night, really hurt me."

"To help me move on, please tell me exactly why you wouldn't want to do anything like that with me? It will make me feel a lot better hearing the real reason from you."
 
Honestly I know EXACTLY what you're going through. Here's the thing. You are so surprised at her sexual proclivities, because she hasn't shown them to you. Why would she? She knows you like her and isn't interested in you. So she only shows you the one non-sexual side. Of course you feel surprised and hurt seeing the other side. I was hurt. I played the emotional route too. Told her how jealous I was and how messed up it was. I can't speak for your situation, but for me it just emasculated me making me seem like a needy emotional freak. Which I was. She thinks of you as a friend and a talk like that could make you seem obsessed stalker. Her sex life is really none of your business at all. You shouldn't even know if she didn't tell you.

Stop lying to yourself. You want her badly. Sex included. You secretly wish she was your gf. It's all over your words, and planned actions. But I felt the EXACT same way. I said I was happy just being friends. But that was only true while she wasn't seeing anyone or having sex with other guys. You obviously AREN'T okay just being a friend, because as soon as she had sex with someone you are all hurt and extremely jealous. Yes it hurts that a girl you thought you knew is into casual sex. More importantly the girl you care about is having sex with someone period. I also said I'd feel better if she was having sex with a boyfriend or something more serious and meaningful. Guess what I didn't. I know you wouldn't either. Her having sex one time bothered you. How about her having sex every night with someone else?

It's hard for you to see it, but you are obviously extremely attached to her, in a non-friendly way. It always hurts to like someone far more than like you. Losing a ton of weight would help you in life period. You'll look better, feel more confident, be healthier and live a longer life. The fact that you want to do it just for sex with this one girl shows how deep you are into her. Face reality. She doesn't like you like that. It's likely she will never like you like that. People moving out of the friend zone is rare. That's why I said you should move on and find a girl who actually likes you.

Here's another thing that was true for me, and you need to figure out for yourself. Are you even really in the friend zone? I didn't treat my girl like a friend, and neither do you. You've said you bought her things and spent a fair bit of money on hert. Does she ever buy you anything? I bet it's one sided where you happily spend money on her like a doting fan, and she returns nothing of the same. I don't know the extent of your money spending on her, but if it's a lot, stop spending money on her, and go dutch. See if she's nearly as friendly. It hurts to think that she could just be friendly with you because you spend money on her, but it's a definite possibility. Real friendships don't require money.

It's both exciting and fun. She is the closest thing to a girlfriend you have ever had. But in the end this is not a real relationship. You care about her like she was your girlfriend, and she thinks about you like somebody who's cool, she can talk to a bit, and maybe buys her stuff. You can't see it now, but one day you'll look back and see how you let your loneliness and inexperience put you in a very bad position. It took me a long time to realize I did the exact same thing.
 
reading through the replies, i feel like you totally missed some good points others have made. i dont think you have any business bringing up what happened with the other guy, whether he told you or not. i would be really angry to be confronted with things about my sex life that doesnt involve the person confronting me about it. i think you shouldnt mention it at all, but you can ask why she isnt interested in you, but as stated above, be prepared for her honest answer if she does give you one. the friendzone crap is a bunch of bs, youre supposed to be nice to people, but that doesnt entitle you to a reward. shes already said she just wants to be friends, deal with it. im sorry you feel you got passed over, but just take it and move on. if you care about her so much as you say, then accept her friendship and be a really good friend.
 
Again for those who want to clobber the OP... in my opinion he's not being a complete jerk or even necessarily a "fake friend," he is mostly very naive and inexperienced, currently only able to understand the ins-and-outs of human sexual behavior/relationships by seeing what other people do, and comparing it to his situation... therefore he's become envious, and that's understandable.

I don't think the fact that he states repeatedly here that he's attracted to her and desirous of carnal relations makes him "an introverted jerk," rather it makes him a pretty typical male and a typically selfish person, as we all are anyway. Clobbering him for talking about his urges and expectations that he would only write under the veil of internet anonymity is not going to help... at least not with his "novice level" understanding of things, at this point.

This entitlement that you all criticize is not the sign of a twisted and dark person, it's the sign of loneliness and wondering why those things that are supposed to happen for everyone, just aren't happening for you. He's probably thinking so, what is it about these other guys that makes intimacy seem effortless, what is it they have that I don't? Since he's a human being with natural desires, it's only natural that he's wondering about such things.
 

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