Anyone else tired of others downplaying their lack of a loving relationship?

This is mainly directed at those who have yet to experience any kind of relationship, but if you can relate then that's just fine by me!

Anyway, whenever I express my sadness for having always been single, I can't stand when others try to mitigate how I'm feeling with justifications. I know that a lot of them are probably trying to cheer me up to prevent me from wallowing too much but after this long it's wearing on me.

"Oh don't worry, you're still so young!" "Be glad you're single! Relationships are nothing but trouble!"

I'm 28 years old now. By societal standards that's long overdue for even the slightest hint of a relationship. By nature's standards I'm already past my physical/sexual prime and that is time I can never reclaim. No, I may not be as old as you but I want you to imagine all the relationships you had in your youth. All the emotional highs of first kisses, first everythings. Now erase them all from existence. Imagine what it feels like to not know the feel of a kiss or to look into the eyes of someone who has as much love and care for you as you do for them.

I can't completely fault those for whom it is literally impossible to know how they'd feel had they led a similar life of solitude but I just wish...I don't know. What could I wish for that would actually come true?

I just need to experience things for myself. Don't expect me to take your word for it, that I'll feel content in avoiding the downsides while missing out on what may be the closest someone can ever get to another human being.

I'm sad and I'm yearning. Don't hand me the picture book of love and demand me satisfied while I'm desiring to go out and see it for myself.

It's always easy to downplay something when you already have something the person wants that you're downplaying. Even more so when you forgot what its like to have no one, and no one for a long period of time. I see it more as a form of mocking and I can't stand it either.

Yeah, it can be annoying. You kind of wish that they would stop but they seem to be intent on making you feel better about your situation. After awhile it just feels like most of what they're saying is just a lie. I try not to think that way, but it's tough.

Midnight Sky said:

It's always easy to downplay something when you already have something the person wants that you're downplaying. Even more so when you forgot what its like to have no one, and no one for a long period of time. I see it more as a form of mocking and I can't stand it either.

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That's it exactly.

What's the alternative? Say nothing? Let you wallow in pity alone? Join in on your pity parade telling you you're right? You're going to be alone forever and there's no point in even trying. The best days are behind you and you're never going to get them back. Just give up. You're a loser.

No the best thing a friend could do is try to console you. Show you the silver lining, in the cloud, and try to improve your spirits. It seems like you're angry friends are trying to be friendly.

Trust me when I say one day, you're friends will really stop trying and stop caring. They'll do exactly as you complain about and not say anything, and you'll wish you had that sympathetic ear to tell you it'll be alright.

lostatsea said:

What's the alternative? Say nothing? Let you wallow in pity alone? Join in on your pity parade telling you you're right? You're going to be alone forever and there's no point in even trying. The best days are behind you and you're never going to get them back. Just give up. You're a loser.

No the best thing a friend could do is try to console you. Show you the silver lining, in the cloud, and try to improve your spirits. It seems like you're angry friends are trying to be friendly.

Trust me when I say one day, you're friends will really stop trying and stop caring. They'll do exactly as you complain about and not say anything, and you'll wish you had that sympathetic ear to tell you it'll be alright.

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I'm not sure you understood the post. My issue is not in friends consoling and trying to cheer someone up. It's in the minimizing of a feeling someone is suffering through. It's when someone is telling you your feelings are invalid. I've had friends, one in particular, who have always tried to make me feel better and I appreciate it greatly. They do it in boosting how I feel about myself as an individual, not in trying to convince me that what ive been hoping for my whole life isnt worth the worry. If anything thats robbing me of a silver lining ive already seen.

But if you dont see the difference in what im saying or simply dont agree, then I can accept that,.

Yes, it is extremely frustrating.

Ah I did misunderstand. But I think you're drawing a fine line. I don't think people are intentionally being apathetic and definitely saying your feelings are invalid. I know you take it that way but logically they are just trying to get you out of your funk. Some people just do it a different way.

Loneliness is a hell of a drug. It changes the way we think, act, talk, and live. It can easily turn to depression and have us living under a cloud of negativity. Soon we feel completely incapable of fixing our situation. I become almost resentful of those who have what we don't. We take for granted what we have and focus on what we don't have. In my case one of that is close friends who have tried to do what they could. But at the end of the day, complaining about the same problem like a broken record without fixing it just drained them to the point where they had to say enough.

lostatsea said:

What's the alternative? Say nothing? Let you wallow in pity alone? Join in on your pity parade telling you you're right? You're going to be alone forever and there's no point in even trying. The best days are behind you and you're never going to get them back. Just give up. You're a loser.

No the best thing a friend could do is try to console you. Show you the silver lining, in the cloud, and try to improve your spirits. It seems like you're angry friends are trying to be friendly.

Trust me when I say one day, you're friends will really stop trying and stop caring. They'll do exactly as you complain about and not say anything, and you'll wish you had that sympathetic ear to tell you it'll be alright.

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A sympathetic ear telling me that "it'll be alright" is just a liar, really. Obviously, for people that have excessively difficulty finding a relationship, no, it won't "be alright." That's the problem: it hasn't been alright, often for years, if not decades.

Well, maybe liar is too harsh. Maybe they do genuinely believe it WILL be alright for me. Maybe they think my problem can't be as bad as it sounds. But that doesn't make it any better for me to have to hear that over and over, despite having wasted so much time alone and miserable, without any prospects, and even worse, without any hope.

lostatsea said:

Loneliness is a hell of a drug. It changes the way we think, act, talk, and live. It can easily turn to depression and have us living under a cloud of negativity. Soon we feel completely incapable of fixing our situation. I become almost resentful of those who have what we don't. We take for granted what we have and focus on what we don't have. In my case one of that is close friends who have tried to do what they could. But at the end of the day, complaining about the same problem like a broken record without fixing it just drained them to the point where they had to say enough.

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I understand about recognizing what we do have, but that doesn't change that people like me want a relationship so very much. Something that so many other people have, and have had, but I've barely had (and of the two, both were long distance, one I didn't have much in common with but was overall decent, and the other was a 3 year hell that left me with nothing but despair about my romantic future). I could have everything else in the world, but that wouldn't change that I don't have a relationship. I don't have someone to love me, to hold me, and to make me FEEL loved. And it's the lack of that simple thing (well, simple for most other people, it seems) that makes me so lonely, sad, and angry, all at the same time.

el Jay said:

A sympathetic ear telling me that "it'll be alright" is just a liar, really. Obviously, for people that have excessively difficulty finding a relationship, no, it won't "be alright." That's the problem: it hasn't been alright, often for years, if not decades.

Well, maybe liar is too harsh. Maybe they do genuinely believe it WILL be alright for me. Maybe they think my problem can't be as bad as it sounds. But that doesn't make it any better for me to have to hear that over and over, despite having wasted so much time alone and miserable, without any prospects, and even worse, without any hope.

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^ Yes.

At my age people have been in a string of relationships, been married for years, have children. All the while I've not once known what it's like for a woman to show any interest in me, put her arms around me, nothing remotely close. (in the romantic attraction sense of course)

"You're better off alone" sounds more like a casual dismissal than a genuine attempt to cheer someone up, and not something a real friend would say.

Solivagant said:

el Jay said:

A sympathetic ear telling me that "it'll be alright" is just a liar, really. Obviously, for people that have excessively difficulty finding a relationship, no, it won't "be alright." That's the problem: it hasn't been alright, often for years, if not decades.

Well, maybe liar is too harsh. Maybe they do genuinely believe it WILL be alright for me. Maybe they think my problem can't be as bad as it sounds. But that doesn't make it any better for me to have to hear that over and over, despite having wasted so much time alone and miserable, without any prospects, and even worse, without any hope.

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^ Yes.

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See the previous post. Again what is the alternative? Say nothing? Pile on the pity? Agree with you and say you're hopeless?

Our problems are our own. Nobody can fix them except us. Being ungrateful for whatever support we get, no matter how little is selfish and does nothing except make us feel worse and puts off people trying to help us. I've been depressed too. I've felt the loneliness. I've had friends stop trying to help me after I sounded like a broken record again and again. Being lonely can lead to depression which can change how we think, act, talk, and live. Things completely unrelated begin being affected, like what we think about what people say.

I needed to get my head out of my ass. If you think people saying it'll be alright is a lie, then you need to get your head out of yours. People saying anything about the situation isn't going to fix the problem, nor make it worse. Whether it'll be alright is entirely up to you. Get to the basics of it. It'll be alright, or it's not that bad is simply trying to make you feel better. It's trying to give you hope. Which is exactly what you need, when you feel hopeless and are actively trying to do something. Saying this just makes it worse and blaming the person for trying to be nice is another excuse to add on to the self pity. Especially when I know they're trying to support me however they can.

The truth isn't pretty. If you're unable to have any relationship then there's a problem. Maybe you're socially awkward. Maybe you're extremely shy. Maybe you have low self esteem. Whatever the reason may be, it has nothing to do with other people and everything to do with ourselves. People want things to change, and then take no steps to change them. Do what you've always done, and you'll get what you've always got. You'll actually have less than you got, because time waits for no one and you'll be older and still just as alone. If you want to get out of a hole then throw away the shovel.

I know it's not easy. If it was easy, I would have done it already, and I would have never visited this forum. But at the same time, I know a lot of what I do is self defeating. Again I've felt just as you guys have, and I've pushed away people. That's why I'm so passionate about it. It's not fun to be around someone who's moping, a downer, and just killing the fun vibe. Nobody owes us anything. Not a hi, not a hello, not a it'll be alright. People have their own problems to deal with, so the fact they even listen to our problems and have something to say should be appreciated. Stop looking for excuses to feel worse, when people are going out of their way to even acknowledge what we say. Look to the real problem and start trying to take whatever steps you can to fix it.

lostatsea said:

See the previous post. Again what is the alternative? Say nothing? Pile on the pity? Agree with you and say you're hopeless?

Our problems are our own. Nobody can fix them except us. Being ungrateful for whatever support we get, no matter how little is selfish and does nothing except make us feel worse and puts off people trying to help us. I've been depressed too. I've felt the loneliness. I've had friends stop trying to help me after I sounded like a broken record again and again. Being lonely can lead to depression which can change how we think, act, talk, and live. Things completely unrelated begin being affected, like what we think about what people say.

I needed to get my head out of my ass. If you think people saying it'll be alright is a lie, then you need to get your head out of yours. People saying anything about the situation isn't going to fix the problem, nor make it worse. Whether it'll be alright is entirely up to you. Get to the basics of it. It'll be alright, or it's not that bad is simply trying to make you feel better. It's trying to give you hope. Which is exactly what you need, when you feel hopeless and are actively trying to do something. Saying this just makes it worse and blaming the person for trying to be nice is another excuse to add on to the self pity. Especially when I know they're trying to support me however they can.

The truth isn't pretty. If you're unable to have any relationship then there's a problem. Maybe you're socially awkward. Maybe you're extremely shy. Maybe you have low self esteem. Whatever the reason may be, it has nothing to do with other people and everything to do with ourselves. People want things to change, and then take no steps to change them. Do what you've always done, and you'll get what you've always got. You'll actually have less than you got, because time waits for no one and you'll be older and still just as alone. If you want to get out of a hole then throw away the shovel.

I know it's not easy. If it was easy, I would have done it already, and I would have never visited this forum. But at the same time, I know a lot of what I do is self defeating. Again I've felt just as you guys have, and I've pushed away people. That's why I'm so passionate about it. It's not fun to be around someone who's moping, a downer, and just killing the fun vibe. Nobody owes us anything. Not a hi, not a hello, not a it'll be alright. People have their own problems to deal with, so the fact they even listen to our problems and have something to say should be appreciated. Stop looking for excuses to feel worse, when people are going out of their way to even acknowledge what we say. Look to the real problem and start trying to take whatever steps you can to fix it.

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But there are relationships in your past right, so how can you empathise?

If your'e socially awkward and unattractive it's not as simple as making effort ; you can easily be labeled a creep for showing interest in entirely normal non-threatening ways. (not that the OP looks unattractive by the way)

I've just been gossiped about for sending a friend request to a female co-worker whom I've worked around for 5 months - which I deleted. It's just par for the course I'm afraid.

I don't think anyone's being ungrateful or entitled, just frustrated by the unwarranted authority or lack of thought, understanding, or sincerity that some people tend to put into their responses. Nobody is required to be happy about everything that is said to them simply because someone took the time to say it, just as nobody is required to say it in the first place. A person can be appreciative of a response or advice without being helped by it. Different things encourage different people, and some comments generally feel more dismissive and uncaring than others. Everyone knows that someone who says "It'll be alright" is probably just trying to make you feel better; the point of the thread is that it does not make some people feel better and can rather seem dismissive, and honestly there's nothing terribly wrong with feeling that way about it. Unhelpful comments are unhelpful, that's all the OP is saying, I think.

ardour said:

But there are relationships in your past right, so how can you empathise?

If your'e socially awkward and unattractive it's not as simple as making effort ; you can easily be labeled a creep for showing interest in entirely normal non-threatening ways. (not that the OP looks unattractive by the way)

I've just been gossiped about for sending a friend request to a female co-worker whom I've worked around for 5 months - which I deleted. It's just par for the course I'm afraid.

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You wallow in self pity just like many do including myself. I suffer from extremely low self esteem. At the same time no matter how unattractive a person is I know you've seen people who are even more unattractive in happy relationships.

http://wackymania.com/15-most-ugly-couples-in-the-world/

We do the best with the hand we're dealt which for some is extremely unlucky. Are you far uglier than some of the people on that page? No you just suffer from lack of self esteem, and you're socially awkward. But what are you doing to help solve it? You are your own judge but I suspect it's not much. You've expressed a viewpoint that it's not as simple as showing effort, implying you don't even show effort. So what do you do? Do you just complain? Do you just hope things will get better on their own? You complain of your age and your lack of relationships. You'll never be younger than you are this second. Another year will pass, and you'll wish you were only 34 instead of 35.

I'm being harsh. Mostly because I'm doing what you're doing. I know I make excuses. What I just said is exactly what my friends have said I have done. Complain about problems. Yet do nothing to help solve them. You're ugly? Get in better physical shape. Change your appearance to stress whatever positives you do have. You're socially awkward? Force yourself to get past that. Is it easy? No. It's insanely hard. You'll be scared. You won't want to. There's a college guy in the miscellaneous section who has a journal about forcing himself to go out and talk to people to get over his social awkwardness.

Change isn't easy. What is easy is making excuses and doing nothing. Nobody can help you except yourself. The biggest problem isn't your social awkwardness or your appearance. It's the defeatist attitude you have.

I'm scheduled for a psych evaulation because i think I have to face facts that I'm at minimum chronically depressed. I've been in a funk for the last few years. But I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, if I can ever get out of my funk.

Solivagant said:

I don't think anyone's being ungrateful or entitled, just frustrated by the unwarranted authority or lack of thought, understanding, or sincerity that some people tend to put into their responses. Nobody is required to be happy about everything that is said to them simply because someone took the time to say it, just as nobody is required to say it in the first place. A person can be appreciative of a response or advice without being helped by it. Different things encourage different people, and some comments generally feel more dismissive and uncaring than others. Everyone knows that someone who says "It'll be alright" is probably just trying to make you feel better; the point of the thread is that it does not make some people feel better and can rather seem dismissive, and honestly there's nothing terribly wrong with feeling that way about it. Unhelpful comments are unhelpful, that's all the OP is saying, I think.

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It's like you said saying the same thing to different people will be helpful to some and unhelpful to others. So how can you blame a person for saying them when to them, they are TRYING to help. They don't know whether it will help or not, but they know it might help, and that's what they're trying to do.

I'm actually not trying to say people are ungrateful, or unappreciative, but I am trying to say people need to be aware that their emotional distress is skewing how they view people. People are generally trying to help when they listen to your problems period. I mean calling someone a liar just because they say it'll be alright is a bit absurd. If a person wants to be truly dismissive they won't even bother listening to you.

Midnight Sky said:

It's always easy to downplay something when you already have something the person wants that you're downplaying. Even more so when you forgot what its like to have no one, and no one for a long period of time. I see it more as a form of mocking and I can't stand it either.

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I completely agree with this.

lostatsea said:

See the previous post. Again what is the alternative? Say nothing? Pile on the pity? Agree with you and say you're hopeless?

Our problems are our own. Nobody can fix them except us. Being ungrateful for whatever support we get, no matter how little is selfish and does nothing except make us feel worse and puts off people trying to help us. I've been depressed too. I've felt the loneliness. I've had friends stop trying to help me after I sounded like a broken record again and again. Being lonely can lead to depression which can change how we think, act, talk, and live. Things completely unrelated begin being affected, like what we think about what people say.

I needed to get my head out of my ass. If you think people saying it'll be alright is a lie, then you need to get your head out of yours. People saying anything about the situation isn't going to fix the problem, nor make it worse. Whether it'll be alright is entirely up to you. Get to the basics of it. It'll be alright, or it's not that bad is simply trying to make you feel better. It's trying to give you hope. Which is exactly what you need, when you feel hopeless and are actively trying to do something. Saying this just makes it worse and blaming the person for trying to be nice is another excuse to add on to the self pity. Especially when I know they're trying to support me however they can.

The truth isn't pretty. If you're unable to have any relationship then there's a problem. Maybe you're socially awkward. Maybe you're extremely shy. Maybe you have low self esteem. Whatever the reason may be, it has nothing to do with other people and everything to do with ourselves. People want things to change, and then take no steps to change them. Do what you've always done, and you'll get what you'll always got. You'll actually have less than you got, because time waits for no one and you'll be older and still just as alone. If you want to get out of a hole then throw away the shovel.

I know it's not easy. If it was easy, I would have done it already, and I would have never visited this forum. But at the same time, I know a lot of what I do is self defeating. Again I've felt just as you guys have, and I've pushed away people. That's why I'm so passionate about it. It's not fun to be around someone who's moping, a downer, and just killing the fun vibe. Nobody owes us anything. Not a hi, not a hello, not a it'll be alright. People have their own problems to deal with, so the fact they even listen to our problems and have something to say should be appreciated. Stop looking for excuses to feel worse, when people are going out of their way to even acknowledge what we say. Look to the real problem and start trying to take whatever steps you can to fix it.

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Well, to be specific, I don't go around moping that I can't find anyone, nor am I unable to hold a relationship. I'm quite upbeat and cheerful around people, and I have been for years. It's when I'm home, alone, that my suffering usually happens, as I don't have many friends (despite being so outgoing; probably because I'm not that good with social stuff and going from 'acquaintance' to 'friend'). I have no one to go home to. No one to do stuff with that couples do.

Girls get along with me fine. They, by all accounts, really like me (but so do guys), because I'm outgoing, friendly, dependable, and helpful. But the problem is I can't seem to actually secure a relationship. I've asked girls out but they're never interested. The vast majority of girls I meet (and especially am interested in) are already in a relationship. Of the few that are single, they're never interested, or one reason or another (and rarely if ever is it something that seems to amount to 'I just don't want to be with you').

I don't really go out of my way to complain about it, but I'm not shy about mentioning it if the topic comes up. People have been telling me since my teens that I'll find someone someday, I'm still young, blah blah blah. And true, I've had two relationships, but they were hardly "great" ones, as I mentioned above. I just don't know what I could do differently to change it, as it feels more like some sort of bad luck, or curse, rather than something I'm doing wrong. I've been changing a lot about myself the past few years, but this part just doesn't improve (and it doesn't help that my last girlfriend pretty much kept me starved of intimacy and feeling loved for our entire relationship).

As for what they could say instead... I don't really know. But what they say now doesn't help, especially since they're speaking from a position of having a relationship (or at least not having trouble finding one, historically). It's like a rich person telling a poor person "don't worry, you'll be wealthy someday, you're still young!" when that poor person keeps applying to jobs, only to never get hired.

Also, to address this:

It's like you said saying the same thing to different people will be helpful to some and unhelpful to others. So how can you blame a person for saying them when to them, they are TRYING to help. They don't know whether it will help or not, but they know it might help, and that's what they're trying to do.

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Good intentions don't automatically make something right. Saying the generic "it'll get better, don't worry, you're still young!" type lines is just empty platitudes from most people. Maybe they don't mean for them to be empty, but that's how it sounds to those of us who have such trouble finding relationships, and how such "advice" is perceived is as important as the intent with which it is given.

Of course, it IS a bit different if someone goes around to people and constantly complains about not having anyone, and acts obnoxious about it. But that's not really what's being discussed here. It seems like the original poster was talking about situations where it comes up in conversation, which I've found leads to the emptiest of "help" from others. If relationships come up in a conversation and its revealed that someone has so much trouble finding anyone, people won't want to face such a bleak outcome, so they sugar-coat things and try to act all upbeat to counter the negativity that, due to the conversation's topic, was completely justified, as much as any other relationship talk. So the person who has trouble finding someone is given empty platitudes to try and gloss over their trouble and move on to happier subjects by people who are in better positions relationship-wise.

Unless you'd ask people who can't find a partner to hold their tongue and not bring up their own suffering when the topic turns to relationships, but I think it's a bit much to ask someone who has such trouble to not only hold their tongue and not talk about it, but to also have to endure listening to other people talk about their own relationships. Not to mention, excusing oneself from conversation isn't exactly the best way to grow as a person, socially.

El Jay: Without being condescending it does sound like you'll be alright if you could just find the right person. You don't seem to suffer from a lot of the social issues a lot of others on this forum do. It really does seem like you just haven't met the right person yet. So maybe the biggest change you need to make is meeting a lot more people. Whether that be going out more, joining a dating site, etc. It should also be far easier to try those routes since you've said you're outgoing.

As far as the statements people say, you also see the issue. Saying it doesn't help, doesn't help either. You yourself can't come up with a better thing for people to say. So by default that is itself one of the best things they could say. In the end people try to do what they can, and in many cases that doesn't help. But the point is they try and they have good intentions.

Good intentions are all we have in life, and the best we can hope for. In the end we're human. We'll all make mistakes. Friends will screw us over, and people who could care less about us will screw us over. But we know that our friends are trying to help us no matter the outcome.

A lot of things in life are messed up. People complain and complain but offer no better alternatives. You don't want an empty platitude? How about the cold hard truth of "Not my problem." Or "tough luck" How can we expect, or be angered by them for doing something when we can do offer no better alternative? Between someone saying something with good intentions and not saying anything at all which would you rather have?

I think the biggest problem for a lot of people is that a loving relationship is something we need to find on our own. Especially when we have issues. If we were normal well functioning members friends could try setting us up with other friends, but they can't in good faith do that when it's obvious we're not of sound mind. We're needy, desperate, socially awkward, lowered self esteem etc. Problems that we can only fix ourselves, the only thing we can get are platitudes and consolation. People can't fix our problems for us.

lostatsea said:

People are generally trying to help when they listen to your problems period. I mean calling someone a liar just because they say it'll be alright is a bit absurd. If a person wants to be truly dismissive they won't even bother listening to you.

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I don't know, I've found that oftentimes people "listen" to others and say things like that more to make themselves feel better for doing it than because they're actually interested. Sometimes they are trying, but sometimes they're trying with as little effort as possible; and still other times, they're just trying to brush you off.

I don't think he meant to say that they're liars, so much as that telling someone "It'll be alright" when no one can possibly know how it will be or what "alright" entails is pretty meaningless (and often a cop-out intended to end the conversation).

It reminds me of gift-giving. A few years ago, my mother told me I was getting a great surprise for my birthday. She played it up, made a really big deal out of it like it was super exciting. Then her package came in the mail, and it was 19 dusty, expired cans of bean dip. Something she found at the back of her cupboard when she was cleaning it out.

First of all, I hate bean dip, I've always hated bean dip, and everybody knows that. Second of all, it was long past the expiration date. Thirdly... just, why?

Now, I could be grateful that she deigned to give me anything at all. It's the thought that counts, after all. But how much thought and care was there really?


Edit: As for alternatives, I personally prefer it when someone tries to relate by offering similar stories of their own, or just tells me that they understand my feelings, or even simply admits that they're not sure what to say, but that they care. It doesn't have to be either "Everything will be great!" or "Tough luck!" There are things in between that one can say.

But that's just me, I can't speak for anyone else.

lostatsea said:

El Jay: Without being condescending it does sound like you'll be alright if you could just find the right person. You don't seem to suffer from a lot of the social issues a lot of others on this forum do. It really does seem like you just haven't met the right person yet. So maybe the biggest change you need to make is meeting a lot more people. Whether that be going out more, joining a dating site, etc. It should also be far easier to try those routes since you've said you're outgoing.

As far as the statements people say, you also see the issue. Saying it doesn't help, doesn't help either. You yourself can't come up with a better thing for people to say. So by default that is itself one of the best things they could say. In the end people try to do what they can, and in many cases that doesn't help. But the point is they try and they have good intentions.

Good intentions are all we have in life, and the best we can hope for. In the end we're human. We'll all make mistakes. Friends will screw us over, and people who could care less about us will screw us over. But we know that our friends are trying to help us no matter the outcome.

A lot of things in life are messed up. People complain and complain but offer no better alternatives. You don't want an empty platitude? How about the cold hard truth of "Not my problem." Or "tough luck" How can we expect, or be angered by them for doing something when we can do offer no better alternative? Between someone saying something with good intentions and not saying anything at all which would you rather have?

I think the biggest problem for a lot of people is that a loving relationship is something we need to find on our own. Especially when we have issues. If we were normal well functioning members friends could try setting us up with other friends, but they can't in good faith do that when it's obvious we're not of sound mind. We're needy, desperate, socially awkward, lowered self esteem etc. Problems that we can only fix ourselves, the only thing we can get are platitudes and consolation. People can't fix our problems for us.

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I have tried to meet people. I joined a dating site, to no avail. Over two years off and on using it, and I've had maybe 5 girls actually reply, and all but one of those died off after 2 or 3 back-and-forth messages, for no reason I could ever diagnose - unless there's some secret "code" of messaging on those sites that I'm not privy to, but considering that I've gotten such overall contradictory and eclectic advice for how to use dating sites, I just be myself and hope for the best.

In real life, I don't really know how to meet people. I returned to college a couple of years ago to finish a degree, and now 2.5 of the 3 years I'll be there into it, I've met a lot of people who I get along with (despite being about 6-8 years older than them), but no one who actually wants to be with me. Although, it's also harder to relate to them, too, given the age gap.

There's also my job I secured as of July (pharmacy technician) but literally every single female there (whether in my age range or otherwise) is in a relationship or married. Hell, even all the GUYS are in a relationship or married. Out of every single person working in the pharmacy at my store I'm the only single person.

Beyond that, I just don't know how to meet more people. I've met a lot more online by having my own gaming-based forum website (for almost 10 years now), and its how I got both of my relationships and my best friend (who is the only person I ever really hang out with in real life).


As for better things to say, Solivagant is pretty spot-on with his appraisal. Someone saying "I'm sorry, I really don't know what to say," and being able to tell from their voice that they really do mean it could make all the difference in the world.

The biggest problem is that if someone hears "it'll get better!" over and over, but it never DOES get better, what is intended as advice becomes an insult, and a reminder as to their failure. That's what I meant with my "liar" comment earlier; to the lonely person hearing it, it sounds like a lie, because they know from their own experience it isn't true. I also point out later in that same post that the people saying those things aren't really liars, because they're not trying to deceive or trick people into believing something untrue. They're trying to cheer them up.

Intentions are supremely important in parsing our (and others') actions and consequences. On this we seem to agree. For someone who has been alone for most (if not all) of their life, while everyone around them has relationships, both good and bad, and get to LIVE, and experience life, someone's "good intentions" don't matter in light of the shallow "you'll meet someone someday!" and how it will make them feel. There's a point where it ceases to be an appropriate response, and if the person truly has these "good intentions" at heart, there are other, better ways to show it.

Maybe they have a friend (or know a friend of a friend) who's single and could arrange a date? I've heard that a lot of people find relationships that way, through the power of basic social networking. Or offer to go out and be a wingman of some sort. Maybe impart some of their knowledge in asking women out.

Of course, that's all a LOT of work, and no one "owes" us anything (as you've pointed out. BUT remember, we're assuming "good intentions" here, which would presumably provide the motivation to help.