Feeling guilty as an introvert?

Hi all, i'm an introvert. I often rejected invitation from my friends at office, mostly parties, or dinners, because it involves large groups of people, maybe 30 persons or more. Sometimes i feel guity about that. I just rather stay home and be alone. I really want to be sociable but really don't feel comfort about it. What should i do?

Some form of socialization is needed but you don't need to go to big social gatherings to get it, like going out with a friend to lunch or supper, a walk in the park perhaps? Going for a visit, having someone come and visit. As an introvert, large gatherings of more than 2-3 people is energy draining for them, so for introverts it's preferable to only socialize with no more than two people usually.

Do what's comfortable for you.

Alyssia said:

Some form of socialization is needed but you don't need to go to big social gatherings to get it, like going out with a friend to lunch or supper, a walk in the park perhaps? Going for a visit, having someone come and visit. As an introvert, large gatherings of more than 2-3 people is energy draining for them, so for introverts it's preferable to only socialize with no more than two people usually.

Do what's comfortable for you.

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Yes, i love going out with only one or two friends, but people at my office thinks that i'm weird, for not being sociable. Because they are mostly extroverts. There are so many people at my office, which i don't comfort with. I prefer a job with less sociaLization, but it's hard to get a job like that.

Well, you're not weird, you are an introvert and if people can't understand or relate, that's not your problem. If you don't like parties and can't stand all the noise bouncing off the walks into your ears, don't go to them, never let people's question of your reasons why interfere how you feel comfortable with socializing. People can be selfish or not understanding of introverts, but that's their own ignorance.

For myself, the only thing that helped me get through a social gathering was a few glasses of wine!

Do whatever makes you feel most comfortable. If this means spending time alone at your place 99% of the time, do it! Screw what others think. I'm an HSP introvert, and I played "their" game for way too long. You only have one person you're obligated to, and that is yourself. So - stay true to yourself!

I am an introvert as well and have read various web pages about 'introvert guilt.' It's hard when more outgoing people make us feel guilty for not being able to handle and not wanting to handle a constant social whirl and for needingt time to oursleves to recharge our batteries.
I agree with the above posters that you should concentrate on the sort of things which make you happy. Spend time on your own doing your own thing and with your one or two friends. It is your life and you have the right to decide what is right for you.
It might be an idea to go to the very occasional large event though, for the sake of work relations.

I'm not sure I understand. You said you want to be home alone but you also want to be more sociable. If you want to be home alone and not sociable, that's more like introversion. If you want to be more social but those situations make you uncomfortable, that sounds more like some sort of social anxiety.

If you truly do like being alone more than you like being social, I'd embrace it otherwise it might eat away at you. That was my problem when I was younger. Once I started to get a better idea of who I was and embraced it, it was relieving. Now if I could just get around or even past my desire of finding a companion despite my introversion.

edgecrusher said:

I'm not sure I understand. You said you want to be home alone but you also want to be more sociable. If you want to be home alone and not sociable, that's more like introversion. If you want to be more social but those situations make you uncomfortable, that sounds more like some sort of social anxiety.

If you truly do like being alone more than you like being social, I'd embrace it otherwise it might eat away at you. That was my problem when I was younger. Once I started to get a better idea of who I was and embraced it, it was relieving. Now if I could just get around or even past my desire of finding a companion despite my introversion.

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Hi there, i want to be more sociable because i don't have a boyfriend yet, and people told me how can i get one, if i don't socialize. But i prefer to be alone.

What should you do? There are only two pathways I know about. The non-drug way and the drug way. There may be more, but these are the pathways I've seen people take:

The first pathway is immersion. What's immersion? Accept every invitation to a large gathering and face your fears. Over time, the fear goes away. (This can be a part of cognitive behavioral therapy.)

The second pathway is behavioral meds. Maybe you have an anxiety disorder where your brain's chemicals are out of balance and you need them regulated by a medication. Only a doctor can tell. Also, I would seek pharmaceutical help only after immersion failed.

Oh. There's a third pathway, and that's doing nothing. I don't recommend this as you seem to want to change your situation.

Good luck!

Case said:

The first pathway is immersion. What's immersion? Accept every invitation to a large gathering and face your fears. Over time, the fear goes away. (This can be a part of cognitive behavioral therapy.)

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Well.. for the introverts and/or highly sensitive people, putting ourselves into overstimulating environments with lots of people who we don't really know, the discomfort in such situations makes it very hard for us to express ourselves. You know, that fluent way an extrovert can bounce from person to person and provide that perfect witty remark to each one of them, without any problem? That's not a skill you can build up very much--to do this is not in our nature. (I suppose alcohol can help a bit in these situations, but some people don't drink, some shouldn't drink, and then some cultures don't even allow it.)

That's why I'm not certain repeated exposure to these situations will result in gaining much ground. I suppose it can help in some way, it may be better than doing nothing, but again, it's not preferential. For a lot of us just socializing in groups of 3 other people is difficult. What you are suggesting seems to me like a personality modification, because you can't build up the skill of socializing in large groups unless it's in your nature to enjoy being in large groups.

Batman55 said:

Well.. for the introverts and/or highly sensitive people, putting ourselves into overstimulating environments with lots of people who we don't really know, the discomfort in such situations makes it very hard for us to express ourselves. You know, that fluent way an extrovert can bounce from person to person and provide that perfect witty remark to each one of them, without any problem? That's not a skill you can build up very much--to do this is not in our nature. (I suppose alcohol can help a bit in these situations, but some people don't drink, some shouldn't drink, and then some cultures don't even allow it.)

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Introverts cannot become extroverts via immersion. The point isn't to develop an "extrovert" skill-set. The best that can be achieved is being more relaxed in social situations, not to be the most energetic person in the group. I'm an introvert and I'm in many large groups. I dislike it, but I learned how to cope.

Batman55 said:

That's why I'm not certain repeated exposure to these situations will result in gaining much ground. I suppose it can help in some way, it may be better than doing nothing, but again, it's not preferential. For a lot of us just socializing in groups of 3 other people is difficult.

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It'd definitely be difficult. Change isn't easy. But I mentioned immersion as one solution I have observed that makes the introvert less likely to avoid accepting the invite. It's like kicking the fear of flying or riding on elevators. Don't knock it. It may not work for everyone, but it works enough that it's used in therapy all the time.

Batman55 said:

What you are suggesting seems to me like a personality modification, because you can't build up the skill of socializing in large groups unless it's in your nature to enjoy being in large groups.

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I was actually talking about "behavioral health." If an introvert expresses an interest to be more social, but she's avoiding all social situations, wouldn't you say that a behavioral modification is necessary?

Case said:

I was actually talking about "behavioral health." If an introvert expresses an interest to be more social, but she's avoiding all social situations, wouldn't you say that a behavioral modification is necessary?

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I suppose my post was a bit more reactionary than it should have been. I would agree that immersion can help you get over the fear of attendance.

I guess I was more talking about what I have personally observed when I'm in large groups/gatherings/what have you. There is so much stimuli going on I cannot focus on what to say or how to say it, inevitably I end up feeling lonely and/or unwanted, like a third wheel. Coming home after that, sometimes I feel worse than I did before it. It's not an environment that enables an introvert to improve social skills much, IMHO. We do better in small groups.

About the pay-off after getting over the fear of invitation: Depends. Do you want more social obligations, more people to deal with on a daily/weekly basis? If you have difficulty with that or don't want it in the first place, I wonder how much the immersion is going to help. But I don't have the answers, I'm no therapist, of course.

I have another idea. Why not go but just cut it short? You don't have to stay a long time. I am very introverted, too but now, in my 40's, I can actually enjoy a party without getting totally freaked. It doesn't mean I want to stay a long time, I don't...but for the short period of time I am there it can be an interesting and growth experience.