Confusion in past relationship

Hello,

I am a new member in this forum and I'm in need of everyone's advice and words of wisdom.

Two years ago I was dating a girl. She's the typical southern girl. It was definitely love at first sight on my end and that's when everything went wrong. I am an Indonesian descendent. I thought that there was nothing wrong with approach a girl, especially a southerners like her. About a week later, after knowing a little about her, I asked her out. In my mind it was the perfect night to ask her out. We were in a small restaurant by the lake, the stars were out, and the weather was great. Finally, she responded with an answer I didn't expect to hear, which was "no". However, the story continues ...

now we've known each other for a month and we've hung out as if we were couples. She slept over in my apartment, cooked for me, did all she could as if she was a wife. Then I asked her, why did you rejected me if right now we're practically a couple? I mean we had intimate moments together and stuff ... She responded "well, you're a great guy and I love being with you but my family doesn't like Asian people, but I didn't want to hurt your feeling". Suddenly, I froze. I froze and couldn't move my body at all. I didn't know what to say. She asked me if I was alright and I said yes. I then told her - "look let's just be friends then, but before we're officially "friends" I want to do something to you". .... I kissed her on her lips.

She replied - "wow, you really do love me" and then she kissed me back and we made out for 5 minutes. And then she asked me - "will you go out with me?" And shockingly I said "yes".


2 months later ...

I asked her, can I add you on Facebook? And weird enough, she said no.

I didn't have any intention of going to her profile or anything I just wanted to post our pictures of trips and dinner that we went.
Anyways, so I just dropped the case and never added her on Facebook.


6 months later ...

Things were going wrong. She didn't want to be seen with me outside the house, she didn't want to hold hands (I'm not a big PDA person), bottom line is that she didn't want to been seen as a couple by the public. We then finally broke up.


NOW ...

I saw her Facebook profile because my best friend added her and apparently she has a new boyfriend and she posts pictures up of him and her kissing and holding hands and so on. The guy looks Mexican, which is nothing wrong. Almost all my closest friends are Mexicans and Colombians so you can't say I have something against Mexican.

My questions that still bother up to today is that why wasn't I treated the same? I gave her everything. I drove her around. I picked her up and drop her off from / to work. I just don't understand why wasn't I accepted in her life? Can anyone explain to me what I should've and shouldn't done? Do you think I am a jerk? I am just so confused. Or perhaps I'm just being childish right now? Please guys I'm just really confuse. Thank you for your time reading this.


Seb,

As far as I can tell you did nothing wrong. You are not a jerk. Did anything happen in her life between the time you broke up and the time you saw the pictures with her and her new bf? Did she move away from home? Did she have a falling out with the family? Sounds like one of a few things. :
1. She liked you, but for some reason was ashamed to be seen with you. Not necessarily because of your race but maybe she thought her friends/family wouldn't be receptive to you for some reason. Eventually she grew tired of "hiding" you.
2. Her family actually didn't like Asians but we're "ok" with Mexicans.
3. She used you for the time being until something "better" came along.
4. She was cheating on you or she was cheating on somebody else with you.

Try not to beat yourself over this though. You deserved better. You deserve not to treated like a secret. As cliche and bad as it sounds you're lucky it's over and now you have an opportunity to move on and find somebody who loves you for being you.

Thank you! I think you're right. But you know what the worst part of it is? I see her every single day. We attend the same school (we are in university).

temporary_guy7 said:

Thank you! I think you're right. But you know what the worst part of it is? I see her every single day. We attend the same school (we are in university).

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I know how that goes. I dated a co-worker one time and when things went bad we had to work together. Luckily, we were both emotionally mature enough to act like adults about it. Still really hard seeing them everyday after a break up though. Day by day it will get better. The emotion you feel will slowly fade away.

That doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong. I'm sorry you feel this way, but it sounds like she wasn't treating you the way anyone deserves to be treated.
You deserve much better. Your next opportunity will be better.

I honestly think it's mainly because her family doesn't like Asians and thus she is afraid to show you off or have you publicly seen with her.. but perhaps she did like the attention you were giving her.. in a way, maybe she may have used you in that manner. Like the other members have said above, you deserve better - someone who will accept you for you and would not be ashamed about it. I wish you luck in finding that person.

Thank you guys! These comments really do help. Currently I'm in the stage where even though it's been such a long time we've dated but I'm still on the process of healing myself. I try to do the things I love doing such as riding my motorcycle, going to the gym and improve my physique, and obviously I cannot let my dream career slip.

Anyways, thank you again really, this means a lot to me.

Sorry to hear. But the answer seems obvious to me. She was embarrassed by the fact that you were asian. So while she wasn't racist, she wasn't confident enough with herself to continue with you. Her family doesn't like asians. Which means its very possible her friends don't like asians. She might even pretend to agree with them as they voice their opinions.

This is actually a pretty well documented thing in the past between interracial black/white couples and accepting families. It may be 2014, but racial prejudice is still alive and well.

Saying she's now dating someone who looks mexican doesn't mean much, because mexicans aren't asians. Apples and oranges. There have been studies done and Asian men and black women are the least desirable races in online dating. Too many negative stereotypes.