I feel odd...

I used to suffer from depression many a year ago. I felt alone, shy and unapproachable. I'd try my best to fit in when I was out, but it seemed useless. This stemmed from about the ages of 14 to 20 where I'd literally just lock myself away and immerse myself in video games, as an immersive false reality was far more appealing that the actual reality that I had to endure during school/work.

When I turned 20 and I still didn't have a girlfriend or any real close friends, I decided to just give up even trying. I wasn't going to stress out over whether or not people liked/approved of me. I was going to just do whatever I wanted, when I wanted and not care about being observed as a social pariah. I wasn't going to pretend to be who I wasn't anymore and I actually started enjoying my life for the first time in 7 years.

Then all of a sudden, the unthinkable happened: A girl asked me out, I assume because she was interested in the "me" who was carefree and liberated from the false identity that I used to enforce. We dated for 3 years, got engaged and... she cheated on me and left me for another man.

But to my surprise, I wasn't upset... I wasn't feeling anything at all. I mean I was happy while I was with her, I woke up most mornings with a smile on my face. But when it was over, I wasn't even remotely upset, which seemed very odd.

I then confided in the arms of some female friends I had made along the years of dating. It was their suggestion that we should meet up and talk, presumably because they thought I'd be upset about the matter. In the long run, I ended up dating each of these 3 girls one after the other, which ultimately ruined the friendship I had built with each of them. Leaving me on my own again, having to work from the beginning.

The only thing I have been able to find that hints at how I now experience the world is Ataraxia- The freedom from worry and stress. A sense of heightened tranquillity, where I am able to feel positive emotion without the negative. You might feel as though this were a gift, but stress and worry is what forces us to better ourselves. Because I don't feel them, I don't try to advance my career, I don't try to do anything because simply, I just don't care. I'm now single and have been for the last 3 years, but missing human contact again. But being in a minimum wage job with no future prospects isn't exactly a catch, especially for someone in their late 20's.

I'm not quite sure why I can't attract anyone anymore as my personality, weight, looks have all remained the same. If anything has actually changed it's that I have absolutely no problem talking to women anymore. I work in a department that literally only has 2 male colleagues, and about 40 female colleagues. I have no trouble talking, joking, etc with any of them. But that is all they are, colleagues; not friends, and I can't help but feel lonely even though I appear to be surrounded by people.

You sound very content (even in your loneliness) which is a good place to be. Maybe when you meet the 'right' girl you will have a reason to make goals, for your future. Although, it doesn't hurt to start now.

Mephii said:

The only thing I have been able to find that hints at how I now experience the world is Ataraxia- The freedom from worry and stress. A sense of heightened tranquillity, where I am able to feel positive emotion without the negative. You might feel as though this were a gift, but stress and worry is what forces us to better ourselves. Because I don't feel them, I don't try to advance my career, I don't try to do anything because simply, I just don't care. I'm now single and have been for the last 3 years, but missing human contact again. But being in a minimum wage job with no future prospects isn't exactly a catch, especially for someone in their late 20's.

I'm not quite sure why I can't attract anyone anymore as my personality, weight, looks have all remained the same. If anything has actually changed it's that I have absolutely no problem talking to women anymore. I work in a department that literally only has 2 male colleagues, and about 40 female colleagues. I have no trouble talking, joking, etc with any of them. But that is all they are, colleagues; not friends, and I can't help but feel lonely even though I appear to be surrounded by people.

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I'm not joking - have you thought about pickup / cold approaching girls? Quite a lot of guys who go in to pickup have weak inner-game. What I mean by this is basically the opposite of everything you've described about yourself. So if they get a date they will mind-masturbate about how wonderful the girl is, how amazing the date will be, what he'll do and when. This comes from a place of scarcity - so basically they become clingy and attached because there's not much abundance (starting off). Neediness is a bad trait to attracting women. When it doesn't go well they end up in an emotional bad state.

The traits you have are brilliant, and it's something I'm working towards myself. I hate trying to pretend and fit in to the social normal. I'm quite skinny but I'm confident in a t-shirt; people/family often said I should go to the gym, which used to bloody piss me off. Now I just smile as I find it funny. Why are young guys so fixated on going to the gym? Another example is I wear my £5 Casio with pride. What is basic to society is perceived cool to me now.

I relate to this feeling quite a bit myself, even though I feel so alone and content I do miss human contact quite a bit. There's been times where I felt like giving up on even trying but at the same time I miss people in general and feel very lonely on most nights. Maybe you can try putting yourself out there if you're ready and ask someone to go out to lunch with you. Even though you may feel quite lonely around a lot of people. If you go out with a someone every so often like if it's out to dinner or lunch you can connect with someone again one on one. Even if it's special lady friend or someone you're close friends with. There's no need to jump into a relationship so quickly, but if you try you could start to see the appeal of dating again. It doesn't hurt to try. =)

@Grackle: I suppose I am content, perhaps feeling "lonely" is the wrong choice of word for myself, it's more that I feel "alone". Devoid of an emotional attachment to someone, but without the sadness of feeling lonely... Although wanting to re-establish an emotional connection. This makes sense in my head but I'm struggling to put it in to words I imagine that finding the "right girl" Might actually give me the kick I need towards bettering myself, not for myself, but for my partner, as I wouldn't want to be a disappointment.

@Jasedude2002: I have considered asking girls out, or striking up conversations with girls that I don't know. The premise itself seems simple enough, especially with my inability to feel nervous. The only thing that has stopped me from doing this is purely that I wouldn't know what to talk about. I've asked two girls out in my life and both of them assumed I was joking as I have a rather sarcastic sense of humour. The only relationships I have had are when the girl has asked me. I suppose I've got nothing to lose in trying, but it'll probably end in an awkward silence. I'd refuse to look up things to say as if I did do that then when would it end? I'd have to research things to talk about on the actual date as well. I'm just not going to pretend to be someone I'm not

@Wallflowergirl83: I

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@Wallflower83: (Sorry, I'm typing this by phone and the screen was jumping all over the place from the small text box being filled). I'm glad that you can relate to this feeling. I'm sorry that it can leave you feeling alone though. It's the human contact and just having the ability to share thoughts on common ground that I miss the most. Even if all you're doing is something as simple as watching T.V, there can be a huge difference between having someone to open your mind and thoughts to; or during the adverts, just staring blankly into space, keeping your thoughs locked up with no place to vent. I'll at least ask someone to lunch to have a conversation with beyond the confines of work.
P.S I was just over in Florida a couple of weeks ago, could've given you a hug

Thank each of you for your advice and just taking the time to respond. I know a wall of text can be daunting to read through, but I appreciate the effort If any of you would like to chat/vent/whatever at any point then feel free to send me a PM

Mephii said:

@Jasedude2002: I have considered asking girls out, or striking up conversations with girls that I don't know. The premise itself seems simple enough, especially with my inability to feel nervous. The only thing that has stopped me from doing this is purely that I wouldn't know what to talk about. I've asked two girls out in my life and both of them assumed I was joking as I have a rather sarcastic sense of humour. The only relationships I have had are when the girl has asked me. I suppose I've got nothing to lose in trying, but it'll probably end in an awkward silence. I'd refuse to look up things to say as if I did do that then when would it end? I'd have to research things to talk about on the actual date as well. I'm just not going to pretend to be someone I'm not

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That's it. I see it as an opportunity to better yourself. Listen - go on 10 dates and if the 10th one is still as awkward/uninteresting as the first one then, yeah, may have to try something different. You can only improve yourself by doing it.

My advise to conversation is EMPATHY. Ask some basic open ended questions and work on the answer she gives you and empathise/make assumptions with what she's telling you, and that brings about a connection. So a stupid example is if she says she works in a clothes shop, then I'd say something like "so do you work everyday? I see... So I imagine your feet must kill you at the end of each day... But how on earth did you manage to come in heels today, I'm impressed (qualifying her). Working in a shop, I guess you must good with people as well".

I've personally got a vulgar sense of humour. Some girls don't like it, which I won't change myself for, and some love it. There's bound to be incompatibility, so don't worry about your sarky humour not being liked.