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littlerunawa

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Aug 23, 2011
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Location
Israel
I don't write here very often but tonight (it's already night here where I live), I want to ask a question I'm wondering about the last couple of weeks and keep changing my mind.
I'm a student, and I've started really late. combine that with my not all too social personality and what you get is a young women that feels lonely perhaps in the most social place possible.
I met this guy previous semester, we did a course together. assignments had to be submitted in pairs and he was my partner. we spent a lot of time together and got along really well. so obviously I totally fell for him.
so next semester (the one that just ended, just a couple more exams...) we decided to work together again on a couple of courses. everything was fine until the last couple of weeks of the semester when things started to go sour.
any way, things seem to be ok now, but it's not what it used to be anymore. we used to be pretty close and he talked and shared things with me. that doesn't really happen anymore.
oh yeah, and I'm pretty sure he has absolutely no romantic feelings for me, although there was a time I thought otherwise.
anyway, my question. we're both taking pretty much the same courses next semester, and again on some of them we'll have to work in pairs.
I don't know what to do. we work really well together and in a way it seems natural to continue.
but I really like this guy and it's hard for me to be around him, especially now after we had a few of our fights and he kind of feels like a stranger to me and his opinion about me is not as positive as it used to be (these are my thoughts, I'm not sure what his real opinion about me).
but looking for some other partner, or a few of them? i really don't feel like it, they're younger than me (this guy is the only one a year older than me) and I have no real desire to make friends with them.
I still have no idea how he feels about the whole thing, we haven't talked about next semester, it's too early.
even if we don't work together I'll still see him around so i can't cut him out of my life completely.
what would you do?
 
Have you considered talking to him about how you feel? Or, even aside from that, talk to him about what went wrong and if there's any way to fix it, so you can at least not have that hanging over you?
One thing I have learned in life is that you can never know what another person is thinking. The only way to really know is to ask them and trust they are telling you the truth.
 
before, when we were closer I felt a lot more comfortable talking to him about stuff going wrong between us. there was this time that I lost my tamper over something and we almost completely stopped talking to each other. but we had a really good and open talk and everything was back to usual after that.
this time... I almost feel that he doesn't care all that much about me anymore. I kind of don't want to assume that he wants us to work together again so I'm not bringing this up.
telling him how I really feel about him is not really an option. he doesn't show any interest of that kind in me and am I totally not his type to be honest. I feel like with all the hours we spent together (and there were a lot of those) if he was interested he could very easily make it happen.
he said it not once that he feels very comfortable around me, that he's happy about us being together like that and he doesn't want to look for another partner.
I spent a couple of evenings in his dorm room, a couple of times he invited me for coffee in the morning (the guy just can't wake up early), once he even invited me to where he works, we ate lunch together (he paid for me) and he showed me around a little.
on the other hand he did have a girlfriend for a couple of months.
what I'm saying is, there were plenty of opportunities, and i'm not really one to play hard to get.
I don't know. I wish there was something there. I really care about this one. honestly care about him. I hate it when he's upset, I love when he shares things with me cuz I like the opportunity it gives me to make him feel better...
but thinking about him in the last couple of weeks just upsets me more...
 
littlerunawa said:
I don't write here very often but tonight (it's already night here where I live), I want to ask a question I'm wondering about the last couple of weeks and keep changing my mind.
I'm a student, and I've started really late. combine that with my not all too social personality and what you get is a young women that feels lonely perhaps in the most social place possible.
I met this guy previous semester, we did a course together. assignments had to be submitted in pairs and he was my partner. we spent a lot of time together and got along really well. so obviously I totally fell for him.
so next semester (the one that just ended, just a couple more exams...) we decided to work together again on a couple of courses. everything was fine until the last couple of weeks of the semester when things started to go sour.
any way, things seem to be ok now, but it's not what it used to be anymore. we used to be pretty close and he talked and shared things with me. that doesn't really happen anymore.
oh yeah, and I'm pretty sure he has absolutely no romantic feelings for me, although there was a time I thought otherwise.
anyway, my question. we're both taking pretty much the same courses next semester, and again on some of them we'll have to work in pairs.
I don't know what to do. we work really well together and in a way it seems natural to continue.
but I really like this guy and it's hard for me to be around him, especially now after we had a few of our fights and he kind of feels like a stranger to me and his opinion about me is not as positive as it used to be (these are my thoughts, I'm not sure what his real opinion about me).
but looking for some other partner, or a few of them? i really don't feel like it, they're younger than me (this guy is the only one a year older than me) and I have no real desire to make friends with them.
I still have no idea how he feels about the whole thing, we haven't talked about next semester, it's too early.
even if we don't work together I'll still see him around so i can't cut him out of my life completely.
what would you do?

I used to tell my daughter, if she gave it away,
why would they want to buy it.
get my drift?
 
My advice (for what little it is worth) is that you're over-analysing.
Worse still, you're over-analysing a relationship which you've put too much stock in. I'd put money on it that the reason you're feeling so conflicted is because you're realising you've put too much stock in one person, but you don't really want to bother with anyone else.

Let's flip it around for a moment and assume that you wanted to make friends with these other people. Yet, none of them want to bother with you. Wouldn't you say that's an unfair judgement given that they don't even know you? Perhaps it's worth considering that people are all different. I didn't make masses of friends at university. I think I got about three in total, plus a bunch of hangers on. Don't talk to any of them anymore, except for two, but I never get to see them. One of them... I didn't like him when I first met him. I thought he was crashing a party and had heard a rumour that he'd sexually assaulted a girl I knew. (Said girl later spread rumours that I'd sexually assaulted her too... so that's the whole different story) but the moral is - don't judge books by their cover... or even by first impressions. We can all be wrong. Reach out! :)
 
I realize what you're saying and you're not entirely wrong. but I admit the age difference plays a part here. most of the other students are about 5 years, or more, younger than me and after spending a few years before I started uni working with people my age and much older, they simply look like kids to me.
I'm not saying all of them, I might get along with some of them, but knowing myself and my personality, it's all a matter of chance. and the chances are low. it's more likely I'll end up with a partner that I will sit there next to him feeling I just can't wait to go home.
this specific guy is about my age, he's actually a year older. I'm guessing he originally contacted me cuz he preferred someone his own age (my birth year is part of my email address). we have lots of things in common and I remember in the beginning when we just met thinking how easy it feels talking to him (which is a feeling I hardly ever get).
we spent hours on assignments together, sitting in lectures next to each other, talking and exchanging jokes on facebook in the evenings. I listened to some ideas he had. I listened when he shared problems he had with his girlfriend (now ex girlfriend).
he was my "buddy" in Uni. he told me once some other students look strange on us cuz we're a couple of older guys who always hang out together.
so yeah, I put a lot of weight on this relationship we have (or maybe I should say had). but that's because this guy is important to me. and now I'm seriously thinking about cutting all ties with him and I having a really hard time with this. and if I do this I can't even tell him the real reason...
the whole thing is a mess, I know...
 
Ageism. Tut tut! I'll have you know I worked with a girl who was over ten years my senior for my final year dissertation project. Five years is nothing. My parents have a five year age gap. The girl I went on a date with earlier this week was six years younger than me. You'd be surprised how mature the young can be. I was considered very mature for my age when I was a teen. (So I regressed and acted like a child for a bit... but that's a whole 'nother story of mental/emotional problems lol). Point being, it does happen and you need to drag yourself out of the negative approach which you seem to be justifying here. I'd guess the old "negativity is a self-fulfilling prophecy" line has been trotted out here frequently. That's the key thing which is coming out here.

I know it feels rotten to have put so much into a relationship/friendship to then discover that it won't turn out the way you wanted. But I do urge you to think of one thing in particular here - if you cut all ties with him, and then don't make any new friends... you'll be left socially isolated. And given the nature of this forum... you don't have to look far to see why I'm trying to encourage you against that.

Start small - have short conversations with lots of different people and see if anything clicks. You can't lose anything there, can you?
 
The only though I have is that maybe he is creating a distance as he may have or had feelings for you, and after the fight he doesn't want to get hurt? So he creates a barrier between you and won't allow himself to open up.

If you can talk to him it might clear things up, or even write a letter if you feel you might not be able to say what you mean face to face?

Good luck!
 
Edward W said:
The only though I have is that maybe he is creating a distance as he may have or had feelings for you, and after the fight he doesn't want to get hurt? So he creates a barrier between you and won't allow himself to open up.

If you can talk to him it might clear things up, or even write a letter if you feel you might not be able to say what you mean face to face?

Good luck!

I wish you were right. he did tell me a couple of times that it's really hard for him to make the first move. but I honestly think that I made it very easy for him if he wanted to. so I doubt he has any real feeling for me. maybe there was something there some time ago but I don't see it any more. he seems to be "colder" towards me lately.
 
littlerunawa said:
I wish you were right. he did tell me a couple of times that it's really hard for him to make the first move. but I honestly think that I made it very easy for him if he wanted to. so I doubt he has any real feeling for me. maybe there was something there some time ago but I don't see it any more. he seems to be "colder" towards me lately.

Reading your posts, I only see three realistic options.

1) Tell him how you feel and see how he reacts.

Pros: He could reveal that he is interested in you the way you wish he was and you begin a new, more romantic relationship.
Cons: You risk a negative reaction, creating an uncomfortable situation, and you risk losing him as a partner.
(Background: I have done this two times in my life, where I revealed deep feelings for someone. Both times, it lead to heartbreak.)

2) Drop all notions of being anything more to him than a study partner, and focus solely on your studies.
Pros: If successful, you will retain your study partner and won't have to find someone younger.
Cons: This is the most difficult choice of the three to attain considering your emotional attachment to your partner.

3) Find another study partner.
Pros: You won't have the daily, torturous reminders of a guy who is just not that into you.
Cons: Switching partners will not erase your feelings. These will linger and will only be healed in time. Plus, you will be partners with someone you won't relate to as well.

Based solely on your messages here, if I were you, I would choose Option 2.
 
I have no idea what to do. I keep changing my mind every day. I even considered telling him the real reason why I don't want to work with him next semester. I try to avoid contacting him ( sending him the occasional message on facebook ) but even that is proving to be to difficult for more than a couple of days.
frustrating...
but other than that, wanted to ask something else. if we assume for a second I'm not interested in making friend here in Uni, how would you suggest I make some "outside" friends? I never had many friends to begin with, but since I became a student I move to a different city where I have no friends at all, and it gets really lonely in the evenings and weekends.

btw, I've been asking you questions and stuff, but it's actually kind of nice to have someone to tell these things to...
 
littlerunawa said:
I have no idea what to do. I keep changing my mind every day.

When in doubt - do nothing.

Sounds like quite an unexciting bit of advice, but basically it stops you taking an action that turns out to be the wrong thing. It can be quite hard not to act when your head is all over the place and you just want to do something - anything - to get rid of that horrible back-and-forth and over and over of your thoughts..

Calm yourself, remember to breathe, do what will lessen your stress (exercise, meditation, sport) and let the thoughts calm down a bit so that you can listen to your true inner guidance. Deep down, you do know what you have to do. :)
 
jaguarundi said:
When in doubt - do nothing.

Sounds like quite an unexciting bit of advice, but basically it stops you taking an action that turns out to be the wrong thing. It can be quite hard not to act when your head is all over the place and you just want to do something - anything - to get rid of that horrible back-and-forth and over and over of your thoughts..

Calm yourself, remember to breathe, do what will lessen your stress (exercise, meditation, sport) and let the thoughts calm down a bit so that you can listen to your true inner guidance. Deep down, you do know what you have to do. :)

I guess there's a big part of me that wants to get this thing over with, one way or the other, so at least I know where I stand. I think about it too much, can't help it.
 

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