I have found that some people are dismissive of loneliness, unless it is in the case of a senior citizen. Somehow, if you are under 60 (which I won't be in four years time), you are either expected not to feel lonely or you are expected to get over it quickly and to pull yourself together. While I accept that there are far worse problems in the world than loneliness, loneliness is such a serious problem for many people as we on here all know only too well from our own lives. It also makes any other more difficult problems we may encounter (such as serious illness or divorce or bereavement) harder to bear, as we don't have the support we need from others and must go it alone. I think that those who minimise loneliness are those generally who have not experienced a lot of it in their lives. Or maybe they are too scared to face up to any lonelines they have felt or are feeling. My loneliness has been minismised by certain people and it does hurt. Now I am careful generally who I talk to about how I really am inside.
Do people ever minimise your loneliness?
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Triple Bogey
Well-known member
Tiina63 said:
I find people genuinely care about me and are concerned that I spend all the time by myself. When I go taking my photographs by myself, they ask me if it bothers me. I say it doesn't. They ask me about girlfriends. I think they all want me to meet someone nice. And when I get dumped or treated like shite it upsets them.
Yes, I experienced this back in college. I heard from somewhere that I should tell people what I want, and what I'm going through because maybe they really just don't know I'm lonely and friendless. So I decided to give it a try. I was apart of a bible study group (a group I attended just to have something to do around people) and I remember we were asking for prayers and talking about our struggles. So when the topic came around to me I said " I come here week after week and I keep a smile on my face, but the truth is I'm a really lonely person, and I would like friends and a support system just like you all have." So..instead of reaching out to me and offering friendship they said things like "God is all you need", "Jesus is your friend", "don't rely on people" blah blah blah. So yes, they really minimized my loneliness. And worse, after every meeting was over, these same people would all get together and go out to eat and have a great time with eachother. This same group who "prayed for me" instead of reaching out their hand to me, were always doing things together and even frequently met at a members apartment which happened to be in the same complex as where I happened to live...alone. They never invited me. I felt so embarrassed to admit something so personal out loud to a group of people just to have it brushed off. I'll never to something like that again. I also felt weird around them afterwards like they were laughing at me behind my back. Just awful.
Tiina63 said:
+1!
I can relate to this. The problem I seem to have is that whenever I meet new people (which is rare in the first place) they tend to turn out being the sort of person I would choose not to hang out with. I find that part very depressing, not that I'm lonely, but that I can't find the sort of people I'd like to spend time with. I feel people belittle this too and don't even attempt to care or understand what it would be like for them if their friends suddenly disappeared and they were replaced with a collection of people that they didn't really like.
People should try to be more understanding and more tolerant of the different things we have to go through.
FreedomFromLiberty
Well-known member
jayme89 said:
that is hilariously sad. it's such hypocrisy to say that YOU should lean on God for support while they leaned on each other! did you not get along with them out have much in common? are you devoutly religious? were they?
Alonewith2cats
Well-known member
Yes, and some people can be very judgmental. They simply say "Well, get out there!" I had one person say "Oh don't tell me you're one of those needy people who would get into a relationship with just anybody." No Lady, you don't know me, if I was one of those people I would be in a relationship with just anybody right now. Obviously I'm not. I now regret confiding in you. She also told me that she's not lonely (Great, fantastic! Good for you. I'm sure you're so much better than me). She did suggest meetup.com and then said "You should join the volleyball team on Sundays." O.K. she's trying to help and I appreciate that. I don't want to play volleyball on Sundays. Does that mean I deserve to be alone because I don't want to commit to a volleyball team every Sunday? No, I'm just my own person.
Using religion such as Christianity does not work for everyone. There are people like me who are agnostics or atheists and they deserve a solution to their loneliness too. I've come across so many websites that tell lonely people to turn to God for help. Sorry, I'm an atheist. I need people, not a mythological being (no offense to those who believe in God). I feel that is minimizing loneliness whether you believe in God or not. Because even if he does exist, you still need to connect with other people. I have never seen him so I'm not convinced.
I will never belittle someone for feeling lonely because I understand what it is. I have shed plenty of tears lately. I will be sympathetic and try to help. I think the reason why people minimize other peoples loneliness is because they don't know how to handle it or don't want to. They feel overwhelmed when someone confides in them about their loneliness, because unfortunately we lonely people give off a needy vibe which puts people off and they're afraid we're going to suck their energy (this is why loneliness is a vicious cycle). And I am very careful not to do this. I act independent and happy around people while I am crying on the inside and when I am alone.
Using religion such as Christianity does not work for everyone. There are people like me who are agnostics or atheists and they deserve a solution to their loneliness too. I've come across so many websites that tell lonely people to turn to God for help. Sorry, I'm an atheist. I need people, not a mythological being (no offense to those who believe in God). I feel that is minimizing loneliness whether you believe in God or not. Because even if he does exist, you still need to connect with other people. I have never seen him so I'm not convinced.
I will never belittle someone for feeling lonely because I understand what it is. I have shed plenty of tears lately. I will be sympathetic and try to help. I think the reason why people minimize other peoples loneliness is because they don't know how to handle it or don't want to. They feel overwhelmed when someone confides in them about their loneliness, because unfortunately we lonely people give off a needy vibe which puts people off and they're afraid we're going to suck their energy (this is why loneliness is a vicious cycle). And I am very careful not to do this. I act independent and happy around people while I am crying on the inside and when I am alone.
Jayme89-I am so sorry that you met such an unwelcoming and frankly unpleasant bunch of people in the bible study group. To be honest, though, sadly I have sometimes found that Christian groups ( I am a Christian but don't go to any Christian groups) can react this way more so than other groups might do. All of this 'All you need is God' and 'Jesus is your friend' is easy to say when you have a good circle of friends and so don't have to rely solely on God to be your friend. It is not nice to be on the receiving end. I don't go to church as it is, for me, the loneliest place in the world. I have no family and find that God is not enough for me-I long for closeness on a human level as well and to matter to another person instead of mattering only to an intangible God. What gets me is that Christian groups and churches preach about helping others in need and reaching out but, as you found when you were brave enough to open up, you were completely rejected. And then they wonder why churches are emptying. I know that there are churches which try hard to reach out, but many don't. I do hope that you don't let this awful rejection stop you from ever confiding again though. Maybe it is best to confide in one person at a time instead of a group?
Nightwing-It is so hard often to meet people we can connect with. It sounds as though, like with me, some people expect you because of your loneliness to be happy with any company at all. As you say, how would they feel if their friends suddenly left and they had to get along with a group of people they didn't like. Being with people where there is no sense of connection can be lonelier than being alone at home.
Triple Bogey-you are so fortunate as you have a good support network. I hope you meet someone nice as well.
Nightwing-It is so hard often to meet people we can connect with. It sounds as though, like with me, some people expect you because of your loneliness to be happy with any company at all. As you say, how would they feel if their friends suddenly left and they had to get along with a group of people they didn't like. Being with people where there is no sense of connection can be lonelier than being alone at home.
Triple Bogey-you are so fortunate as you have a good support network. I hope you meet someone nice as well.
FreedomFromLiberty said:
They all claimed to be devoutly religious. Constantly talking about faith and god and prayer. I tried to be outgoing and talk to them, there was one girl who i thought i got along with being were were both out of state students. The only obvious difference I can think of is that they were white and I was/am black (and I hate to even bring that up because I don't see color and am not one to play the race card). Plus thats something you'd think wouldn't matter in a christian group. I didn't grow up in a religious household, but back then in college I was seeking out religion as a means of comfort and a support system and i thought a christian group would have been helpful for me. Today, I am not religious at all admittedly.
Tiina63 said:
definitely a lesson learned for me. we can't assume that a persons title or affiliation makes them automatically warm, welcoming, and caring. i agree, this is the reason churches are emptying, if the lonely can't even find support when they speak it out loud..how can one have faith in anything else. Yes, you can "look up" to a higher power for support if thats what you believe in but the lords followers are supposed to be shepards and advocate for the word of god through kindness and friendship. i'm not even religious and i know that...
Triple Bogey
Well-known member
I think people who have a large group of friends take it for granted. And people who always have someone; they don't really understand what it is like.
They think it's my choice I don't have a girlfriend or have never really had one.
My lack of friends isn't really that important to me though. Of course I would like a woman in my life but friends ? - Not that bothered.
They think it's my choice I don't have a girlfriend or have never really had one.
My lack of friends isn't really that important to me though. Of course I would like a woman in my life but friends ? - Not that bothered.
Exactly, Jayme-the lord's followers are supposed to be shepherds and advocats for the word of God through kindness and friendship. And a lot of people start to go to church and/or a religious study group because they need to be reached out to- they are lonely, or needy in another way, and think that they will find the kindness and understanding which they need there.
I don't know if racism was a factor in the way you were treated. I hope not, as racism is disgusting. In my experience, many religious groups and churches are very cliquey and not very accepting towards people not in the inner circle expressing their needs.
Alonewithtwocats-yes, some people are highly judgemental towards loneliness. Some say that that we are 'wallowing' in it if we mention it to them at all. Or that we are being selfish for feeling the way we do. And like you I also hate it when they then say how they are never lonely, as if it is a personal failing on our part and not the result of life circumstances which we are trying desperately to change. In our situation, they would probably feel as lonely as we do. I can understand how irritating it is to you when people tell you to turn to God when you don't believe in Him. I find it annoying and I do believe in Him. We have needs for close connections to people and being told to give these needs to God instead doesn't really work.
Yes, I think that I give off a needy vibe when I talk about how alone I feel. Like you, I try to keep it to myself, but when something someone says touches on my aloneness, it is like someone poking a raw wound.
I don't know if racism was a factor in the way you were treated. I hope not, as racism is disgusting. In my experience, many religious groups and churches are very cliquey and not very accepting towards people not in the inner circle expressing their needs.
Alonewithtwocats-yes, some people are highly judgemental towards loneliness. Some say that that we are 'wallowing' in it if we mention it to them at all. Or that we are being selfish for feeling the way we do. And like you I also hate it when they then say how they are never lonely, as if it is a personal failing on our part and not the result of life circumstances which we are trying desperately to change. In our situation, they would probably feel as lonely as we do. I can understand how irritating it is to you when people tell you to turn to God when you don't believe in Him. I find it annoying and I do believe in Him. We have needs for close connections to people and being told to give these needs to God instead doesn't really work.
Yes, I think that I give off a needy vibe when I talk about how alone I feel. Like you, I try to keep it to myself, but when something someone says touches on my aloneness, it is like someone poking a raw wound.
Triple Bogey
Well-known member
Tiina63 said:
you should try and not discuss your aloneness to anybody unless they directly ask you.
For most of my life, I went to church and was into that kind of stuff. I was never not alone during that time. It was more of a place where people were around me. After college I moved away from religion. What pisses me off is when people like my parents tell me I should start going back to church as that will get rid of my loneliness and I will find someone to date. They can't explain to me though why back when I was going to church why I couldn't find someone to date and why I was always so alone.
ardour
Well known loser
People can be quick apply the needy label so I rarely talk about it.
Plain old individual loneliness is seen as either the result of personal failings - the perception you must be an idle home-body or a profoundly unlikeable person - or a minor complaint in comparison to people/groups facing more serious problems.
Plain old individual loneliness is seen as either the result of personal failings - the perception you must be an idle home-body or a profoundly unlikeable person - or a minor complaint in comparison to people/groups facing more serious problems.
Grackle
Well-known member
People downplay my loneliness all the time. They say they would love to be alone for a couple hours. Ya, they said a couple hours. I say I would like to be alone for a couple hours too but unfortunately I'm alone 24hrs every day for years. Downplaying peoples pain is cruel.
Triple Bogey-generally I don't mention my loneliness to others as it is too personal and too painful and because of the fear that they will downplay it. Also, I don't want people to know how empty my life really is, as they might see me as 'different' because of it. I belong to a reading group and last week there was a problem there when the subject of marriage/relationships came up, which I wrote about in another thread. Anyway, there are a couple of women in the group who were really sympathetic a couple of months ago when they overheard me saying to a friend that I had been on my own over Christmas, saying that they would 'look after me' next Christmas. I really felt reached out to by them. This led to my opening up to them about how my life really is-no family at all and terribly lonely-as I felt I had grounds to trust them to react sensitively. Instead they reacted with derision and a complete lack of empathy. Both have big families they are close to and don't see why I am so lonely. I do wish so much that I hadn't trusted them at all. The social mask I generally wear may hide who I really am and how I really feel inside, but it also protects me from insensitive people, and I wish I hadn't dropped it. Like Jayme, I felt completley rejected by a group of people, as if they despised me for being human.
Blackdot-I am sorry that you, too, have found that church is a lonely place. Your parents have each other, so church is a completely different experience for them than for you. In a way, telling a lonely person to join a church has become a bit of a cliche,which people say when they can't think of anything else to suggest. They have this vague image of a church being a warm and comforting place where we would get the acceptance we need, but as we and others have found, this is not always the case.
Ardour-Yes, many people do assume that the lonely are homebodies. I remember talking to a social worker when I left hospital 16 months ago and telling her that I was deeply lonely. She told me I would have to start going out, and when I told her that I already belonged to various groups and went out several times a week to them, it took the wind out of her sails.
People who see loneliness as something minor haven't experienced it for year after year after year, the way it takes away your self worth, your sense of belonging, your peace of mind, to replace them with feelings of worthlessness, of having noone to turn to, of being afraid all the time incase something else really bad happens and there is noone to support you through it.
Grackle-I am really sorry that people have downplayed your loneliness as well. I agree with you that it is cruel to downplay another person's pain. Saying to you that they wish they could have a couple of hours alone completely disregards how you are feeling at being alone 24 hours a day.
Nightwing-yes, people do confuse loneliness and being needy. I think I do as well. I know that my loneliness does make me feel needy, but then as loneliness is usually a sign that our need for connection is not being met, I guess that they are closely related.
Blackdot-I am sorry that you, too, have found that church is a lonely place. Your parents have each other, so church is a completely different experience for them than for you. In a way, telling a lonely person to join a church has become a bit of a cliche,which people say when they can't think of anything else to suggest. They have this vague image of a church being a warm and comforting place where we would get the acceptance we need, but as we and others have found, this is not always the case.
Ardour-Yes, many people do assume that the lonely are homebodies. I remember talking to a social worker when I left hospital 16 months ago and telling her that I was deeply lonely. She told me I would have to start going out, and when I told her that I already belonged to various groups and went out several times a week to them, it took the wind out of her sails.
People who see loneliness as something minor haven't experienced it for year after year after year, the way it takes away your self worth, your sense of belonging, your peace of mind, to replace them with feelings of worthlessness, of having noone to turn to, of being afraid all the time incase something else really bad happens and there is noone to support you through it.
Grackle-I am really sorry that people have downplayed your loneliness as well. I agree with you that it is cruel to downplay another person's pain. Saying to you that they wish they could have a couple of hours alone completely disregards how you are feeling at being alone 24 hours a day.
Nightwing-yes, people do confuse loneliness and being needy. I think I do as well. I know that my loneliness does make me feel needy, but then as loneliness is usually a sign that our need for connection is not being met, I guess that they are closely related.
Triple Bogey
Well-known member
Tiina63 said:
' Instead they reacted with derision and a complete lack of empathy'
Just curious, what did they say / do ?
Triple Bogey
Well-known member
Tiina63 said:
bit of both because I think you come across on here as a bit too sensitive.
Triple Bogey said:
Conversely, some could argue you're being a bit insensitive.
She's pouring out her issues here, and sensitivity has nothing to do with whether or not they're relevant. Emotions are subjective things by default.
And to be quite frank, we are social outcasts by default. Whose to say her social outcast-ness is any less than mine or yours?
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