I'm lonely but please don't smother me.

Advertise with us!
Find deals on ebay
Shop on amazon
Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
A

Alonewith2cats

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 5, 2013
Messages
353
Reaction score
0
Location
San Diego
I'm going to tell you about a situation I'm in that may appear on the surface as if I don't have the right to feel lonely and sad, that I should just be grateful for what I have and stop feeling lonely. But it really is true that no one person can satisfy all your needs for feeling connected and some people can make you want space, specifically from those types of people while you long to connect with others. You see, as lonely as I am, I'm also independent and I don't want to suck any energy from anyone and I don't want anyone to do that to me. I have no problem going places and doing things alone and I believe the way to love people is to set them free, be there for them, see them regularly but don't suffocate them with too much of your company. I don't do BFF type friendships, I find them suffocating. Another thing is I don't like to talk on the phone for too long, after 30 minutes of listening to yakety yak, I gotta go. I like to see people more than I like to talk on the phone.

I have a friend, I'll call her Rose (and I hope she never reads this). I like her. I really do. I value her friendship and will keep it but I have a limit of how much of her I can handle before I require distance from her. She calls me A LOT!. She likes to talk on the phone A LOT! She makes plans to go to the movies with me on many Sundays which is cool but I don't want to go to the movies with her every Sunday. She has been upset with me on some occasions when after having lunch with her and seeing a movie with her I wanted to go home and didn't want to accompany her to Target or hang out with her at Wallmart while she gets a pedicure. I don't understand this. I would rather go somewhere I want to go or do something I want to do alone than have someone go somewhere with me they don't want to go or do something with me they don't want to do. And it doesn't upset me at all to part ways when I want to go here and they want to go there. It's fine. Another thing I will do is make plans to go somewhere I really want to go on a Saturday or whenever and be perfectly fine with it if someone doesn't want to go with me. I have my freedom and let others have theirs. I'm just independent like that (I'm lonley and independent, does that make sense?) I sometimes don't answer my phone when she calls because I don't want to talk to her all the time. I always call her back later. I find it too much when after I've just spent a day hanging out with her she calls me again that night. I find her to be somewhat needy. And I don't consider her the solution to my loneliness because she is just one person and I feel this need to find other people to connect with besides her. I understand quality over quantity when it comes to friendships, you don't need many friends, just a few quality friendships. But she is not enough for me and sometimes she is too much.
 
I've been on my own for so long that even though I want someone in my life ... badly ... I also wonder if I had to come home straight from work or 'ask' if I could stop off somewhere on my way home, I wonder if that would make me unhappy.
In my opinion, you are a very healthy secure person.
 
Alonewith2cats said:
I'm going to tell you about a situation I'm in that may appear on the surface as if I don't have the right to feel lonely and sad, that I should just be grateful for what I have and stop feeling lonely. But it really is true that no one person can satisfy all your needs for feeling connected and some people can make you want space, specifically from those types of people while you long to connect with others. You see, as lonely as I am, I'm also independent and I don't want to suck any energy from anyone and I don't want anyone to do that to me. I have no problem going places and doing things alone and I believe the way to love people is to set them free, be there for them, see them regularly but don't suffocate them with too much of your company. I don't do BFF type friendships, I find them suffocating. Another thing is I don't like to talk on the phone for too long, after 30 minutes of listening to yakety yak, I gotta go. I like to see people more than I like to talk on the phone.

I have a friend, I'll call her Rose (and I hope she never reads this). I like her. I really do. I value her friendship and will keep it but I have a limit of how much of her I can handle before I require distance from her. She calls me A LOT!. She likes to talk on the phone A LOT! She makes plans to go to the movies with me on many Sundays which is cool but I don't want to

go to the movies with her every Sunday. She has been upset with me on some occasions
when after having lunch with her and seeing a movie with her I wanted to go home and didn't

want to accompany her to Target or hang out with her at Wallmart while she gets a

pedicure. I don't understand this. I would rather go somewhere I want to go or do something
I want to do alone than have someone go somewhere with me they don't want to go or do
something with me they don't want to do. And it doesn't upset me at all to part ways when I

want to go here and they want to go there. It's fine. Another thing
I will do is make plans to go somewhere I really want to go on a Saturday or whenever and
be perfectly fine with it if someone doesn't want to go with me. I have my freedom and let
others have theirs. I'm just independent like that (I'm lonley and independent, does that
make sense?) I sometimes don't answer my phone when she calls because I don't want to
talk to her all the time. I always call her back later. I find it too much when after I've just
spent a day hanging out with her she calls me again that night. I find her to be somewhat
needy. And I don't consider her the solution to my loneliness because she is just one person
and I feel this need to find other people to connect with besides her. I understand quality
over quantity when it comes to friendships, you don't need many friends, just a few quality
friendships. But she is not enough for me and sometimes she is too much.quote


Hi
well, at least you have the choice of using people when you feel like it.
when you find someone that meets your criteria you wont get bored with their company.
I dont blame you, I get bored when someone doesnt interest me.
but, you are not being fair to others when you use them.
thats not really being independent is it?
something to think about.
louise
Click to expand...
 
Very judgmental Louise. I don't think you understand my post at all. I've been a very good friend to her and I'm not using her. I have a right to my feelings like anyone else here does.
 
Alonewith2cats said:
I'm going to tell you about a situation I'm in that may appear on the surface as if I don't have the right to feel lonely and sad, that I should just be grateful for what I have and stop feeling lonely. But it really is true that no one person can satisfy all your needs for feeling connected and some people can make you want space, specifically from those types of people while you long to connect with others. You see, as lonely as I am, I'm also independent and I don't want to suck any energy from anyone and I don't want anyone to do that to me. I have no problem going places and doing things alone and I believe the way to love people is to set them free, be there for them, see them regularly but don't suffocate them with too much of your company. I don't do BFF type friendships, I find them suffocating. Another thing is I don't like to talk on the phone for too long, after 30 minutes of listening to yakety yak, I gotta go. I like to see people more than I like to talk on the phone.
Click to expand...

Rose reminds me a little bit of my brother. He's a nice guy and can be cool to talk to, but only once in a blue moon to catch up with him. The problem is he's a broken record and after the first hour or so, he just keeps repeating the same stories and observations over and over again. He's also kind of crazy, but that's another story.

Perhaps the reason though that you don't like to talk on the phone is because the topics of conversation don't really interest you? It's rare, but when I find someone who will talk to me or at least listen about my interests, I can just talk and talk for a really long time. That's something I didn't know about myself until my latest relationship.

I also disagree with Louise. I don't think you are using Rose. Just perhaps that you aren't the greatest matchup of friends.
 
But we are friends (proof I'm not using her because I wouldn't throw away the friendship, it does have its value) but yes, there are differences between us and we may not be the greatest matchup of friends but still I care about her enough to keep the friendship, which is why I feel the need to create a certain amount of space to keep it at a healthy and comfortable level to keep the balance I need in my life so I can be free for other connections/ friendships.

It's not that the topics don't interest me but I have to say I am very much on the listening end on the phone while she talks about her life. And yes, I'm interested, as friends should be interested in each others lives, I just have a limit on how long and how often I can be on the phone with her. It gets overwhelming sometimes.
 
I also disagree with Louise-I don't think that you are using Rose. We all have our own individual needs for how much togetherness and how much space we need in any friendship or relationship. Your needs for space are different from Rose's, but neither of you is 'wrong.'
 
Have you considered the possibility that she is lonely?

Other than that, perhaps she just enjoys your company more than you enjoy hers? (Just in terms of length of time.) We all like different things and we're all individuals. I can't offer an easy solution to this one... the truth is, you'll be acting the way you are now for a while. Maybe your difference in opinions on the friendship will come to a head at some point and you may have to just grin and bear some of the less pleasant times with her in order to save the friendship. But in my opinion... that's what friendship is about. Sometimes you sacrifice for you friends. *shrugs*

Sorry I can't be more helpful.
 
If she is lonely... perhaps she's just not as strong as you. Some of the posts on this site about the level of loneliness and emotion involved are truly heart wrenching. (I honestly can't read some of them because it would just make me too sad.)

Try what this site tries? See if you can help her to meet new people and become less lonely? You never know... an event or two or a group the two of you go to might make you both some new friends.
 
I think Nightwing makes a good point. If Rose is very lonely, then maybe you could help her to meet some new people. It would take some of the stress off you then if she had other friends. And maybe you would meet some new people as well who you could feel more in tune with.
 
Nightwing said:
If she is lonely... perhaps she's just not as strong as you. Some of the posts on this site about the level of loneliness and emotion involved are truly heart wrenching. (I honestly can't read some of them because it would just make me too sad.)

Try what this site tries? See if you can help her to meet new people and become less lonely? You never know... an event or two or a group the two of you go to might make you both some new friends.
Click to expand...

doesnt sound like a friendship on either side. Still sounds like you are both using one another to cope with the lonliness, but if it helps its okay for awhile.
personally I go through the pain till it passes,
I know there is something in us that has not been fulfilled as we were growing up that needs to be fulfilled so we would have a life so fulfilled with something there would be no room to feel lonely even by getting out somewhere helping children or feeding people working in community kitchens. Etc. I remember doing that at one time and it helped me by helping others.
louise
 
Again we are not using each other and it irritates me that someone on this forum who does not know my friendship with her can make this judgment. Anyway I'm learning how to be friends with her while allowing myself the space and freedom I need.

I don't know that many people, any other friends I have she has already met. I know she also has other friends besides me. We are lonely for different reasons. I actually live alone and am alone much of the time, she lives with family but some things are dysfunctional in her home (but that's personal, I won't disclose this information here) which makes her want to get away from it.

Where I'm coming from is finding balance. I want to keep the friendship and spend time with her, just not spend too much time with just her and this is how I would be with any of my friends really. When you take different energies from different people sometimes they clash when they're around each other too much.

And Louise, while I resent you accusing me of using her because it is absolutely not true, I have looked into the possibility of volunteering, perhaps just once a month as I can't really commit to something like this every week as having something else to be involved in would create opportunities for me to meet people and create the balance I need.
 
I think there are varying degrees of friendship. Some are real tight, some are not. Some have the people communicating daily while other friendship have the people hook up once a month. Its not using someone just because a person needs lots of elbow room. In my opinion.
 
Alonewith2cats said:
Again we are not using each other and it irritates me that someone on this forum who does not know my friendship with her can make this judgment. Anyway I'm learning how to be friends with her while allowing myself the space and freedom I need.

I don't know that many people, any other friends I have she has already met. I know she also has other friends besides me. We are lonely for different reasons. I actually live alone and am alone much of the time, she lives with family but some things are dysfunctional in her home (but that's personal, I won't disclose this information here) which makes her want to get away from it.

Where I'm coming from is finding balance. I want to keep the friendship and spend time with her, just not spend too much time with just her and this is how I would be with any of my friends really. When you take different energies from different people sometimes they clash when they're around each other too much.

And Louise, while I resent you accusing me of using her because it is absolutely not true, I have looked into the possibility of volunteering, perhaps just once a month as I can't really commit to something like this every week as having something else to be in

volved in would create opportunities for me to meet people and create the balance I need.

great , It helped me.
louise
Click to expand...
 
Rose has got problems and this degree of neediness can almost be intimidating. Hounding you is only going to sop her from making other friends. I think you should make it clear that you have other things on sometimes... failing that, get a restraining order.
 
No restraining order necessary. I figured out what to do, keep the friendship but make myself busy with other things to do and other people to see so I can't be around her all the time but will continue to hang out with her. She isn't quite so bad. I once had another friend who was much worse, calling me obsessively, chatting my ear off and trying to turn me against my other friends. I had to end that friendship. Thanks for your replies everyone.
 

Similar threads

M
Married and lonely
Replies
10
Views
805
Helloworld
Helloworld
SophiaGrace
Looking for Sierra Lynn
Replies
0
Views
188
SophiaGrace
SophiaGrace
Someone1k94
A friend blocked me, and I'm completely lost without her!
Replies
8
Views
1K
Someone1k94
Someone1k94
Faded
Pressures after Tarot
Replies
11
Views
327
Faded
Faded
U
Is she not really interested in me
Replies
12
Views
677
LonelySgt
LonelySgt

Latest posts

Back
Top