35 and life passing me by

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dan_in_stoke

Member
Joined
Jul 5, 2012
Messages
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Hi,

Been on here a few years but hardly posted. Sorry.

I felt quite optimistic at the start of the year (strangely) but things have gone down hill since my birthday in early February....
...I got 3 birthday cards....1 late, all from my immediate family.

Now I've got this deep dark feeling life is passing me by, I'm never going to meet anyone (relationship wise) and will live alone.

Life
I'm 35, still living with parents for a number of reasons, from financial to medical.
I am naturally quite, shy, reserved and lack social experience and my parents are socialisers (don't go out to pubs, clubs, restaurants etc) so I've never been exposed to that “normal” life.

I have a large extended family, with multiple aunties and uncles.
All my cousins (mostly younger) now are at the age where they have left home,
have or had long term relationships and now have families of there own.

So I'm the odd one out and every time I see a relative they all ways a when question.
When will you move out ?
When will you get a girlfriend /wife ?
When will you have kids ?

No friends.
Up until I was in my teens I had a happy childhood, friends, fun etc.
That changed as I was bullied from 15 – 19 (high school and college)
so I shut down, split or shut out friends and from then on I've not let anyone in.
My shy and reserved nature was magnified because of it as a result I never experienced all the
“normal” teenage things, never socialised, no nightclubs, holidays away etc.
Find it difficult to open up.

Work
I work in digital media and for a long time worked freelance, on my own.
I recently joined a studio with 5 other guys. They range from mid twenties to early 50's.
I get on fairly well but we don't socialise outside of work as often work long hours and they all have long term partners, kids etc....so once again I'm the “odd one” out and I've done my best to deflect
all the questions “why don't I have a girlfriend or kids?” etc

Relationships
I feel ashamed I've never had one.
Never been close to having one.
Had the high school crush on someone but because of the bullies and my shyness never dared do anything about it.
During college I didn't socialise so never had the opportunity to meet anyone.
That’s been the way ever since.
I joined dating websites, free ones and subscription ones but despite sending numerous introductions I never got any replies or anyone showing any interest.
Being 35 and never had a relationship, appears to be a big red flag stay away.


:(
 
Everything you've posted seems quite normal. There are so many 30+ year olds who have never had a romantic relationship. It seems you are doing fairly well professionally? If so, that's a huge accomplishment.
I have not had significant pressure to move out by my family (although I currently live near my school out of state), but my parents friends made snide comments about it every time I am back home. The last time I was home was for Christmas. I was living at home for a month and hadn't seen my folks in nearly a year prior. Parents friends were all like "gonna move out soon?" Some people just want you to be alone. They think isolation and hard times are a right of passage, or a way to achieve independence. Of course, this is utter nonsense. You can be independent, self-reliant and successful while living with your family. The traditional multi-generational household comes to mind, which is a lovely set up (IMO).
As for the red flag you speak of...women who have had a string of relationships may be wary of your situation because it's foreign to them. A woman who has never had a relationship, or has very limited experience may not think it's that big of a deal. I think it's mostly an issue of what is familiar/not familiar. Then of course there is the social idea that it's strange to not have relationships, but I disagree with this, and there are people out there who think it's totally normal, just a different way then the media promotes. I really think it's very normal, as I have had limited relationship experience as well. But my cousins all have relationships too so I understand the feeling of being passed by. Very painful at times. You are not alone.
I hope your year turns around soon.
 
dan_in_stoke said:
Hi,

Been on here a few years but hardly posted. Sorry.

I felt quite optimistic at the start of the year (strangely) but things have gone down hill since my birthday in early February....
...I got 3 birthday cards....1 late, all from my immediate family.

Now I've got this deep dark feeling life is passing me by, I'm never going to meet anyone (relationship wise) and will live alone.

Life
I'm 35, still living with parents for a number of reasons, from financial to medical.
I am naturally quite, shy, reserved and lack social experience and my parents are socialisers (don't go out to pubs, clubs, restaurants etc) so I've never been exposed to that “normal” life.

I have a large extended family, with multiple aunties and uncles.
All my cousins (mostly younger) now are at the age where they have left home,
have or had long term relationships and now have families of there own.

So I'm the odd one out and every time I see a relative they all ways a when question.
When will you move out ?
When will you get a girlfriend /wife ?
When will you have kids ?

No friends.
Up until I was in my teens I had a happy childhood, friends, fun etc.
That changed as I was bullied from 15 – 19 (high school and college)
so I shut down, split or shut out friends and from then on I've not let anyone in.
My shy and reserved nature was magnified because of it as a result I never experienced all the
“normal” teenage things, never socialised, no nightclubs, holidays away etc.
Find it difficult to open up.

Work
I work in digital media and for a long time worked freelance, on my own.
I recently joined a studio with 5 other guys. They range from mid twenties to early 50's.
I get on fairly well but we don't socialise outside of work as often work long hours and they all have long term partners, kids etc....so once again I'm the “odd one” out and I've done my best to deflect
all the questions “why don't I have a girlfriend or kids?” etc

Relationships
I feel ashamed I've never had one.
Never been close to having one.
Had the high school crush on someone but because of the bullies and my shyness never dared do anything about it.
During college I didn't socialise so never had the opportunity to meet anyone.
That’s been the way ever since.
I joined dating websites, free ones and subscription ones but despite sending numerous introductions I never got any replies or anyone showing any interest.
Being 35 and never had a relationship, appears to be a big red flag stay away.


:(
Click to expand...

You haven't mentioned your interests and hobbies, what do you like to do in your spare time.

Don't judge your life depending on your relationship status. I would put that on hold for awhile, concentrate on enjoying yourself, taking up new activities and hobbies. Travel, take up a sport, get some exercise, join a walking club.
 
roguewave said:
Everything you've posted seems quite normal. There are so many 30+ year olds who have never had a romantic relationship.
Click to expand...

I just wanted to mention that I have had access to random medical records via my job and you know what I found out... despite popular opinion... I would say about 25% of people have never had a romantic relationship. It is just that those who have are much more open about it.

You put on a dating site that you never had a relationship? That probably would send me away too. Not because I feel anything wrong with it, I just wouldn't know what your "game" was.. or might not think you were serious.

I don't have any advice for you since I am kind of in the same boat... (though I have a job and a home). I just feel like... maybe it is possible that some people are just not cut out for a relationship / marriage. I even think it is possible that there is something about my look. Not that I am ugly but I think maybe I just have a look that seems grumpy or keeps people at a far.

It sounds to me like you do have a pretty good life - it is job related that you can move out. Have you considered getting a roommate? Don't let those people make you feel bad about living with your parents. My brother lived with his parents until he got married at 39. He didn't care. He thought other people were smucks and he dated (and attracted a girl) even with that. She had an apartment. He saved tons of money and to this day feels people who move out without reason are just caving to peer pressure.
 
LadyDaria said:
I just wanted to mention that I have had access to random medical records via my job and you know what I found out... despite popular opinion... I would say about 25% of people have never had a romantic relationship. It is just that those who have are much more open about it.
Click to expand...

Are you referring to total number of sexual partners? Not having had sex doesn't necessarily mean never having a romantic relationship.

But it isn't surprising; a sizable minority who completely miss out on that side of life.
 
ardour said:
LadyDaria said:
I just wanted to mention that I have had access to random medical records via my job and you know what I found out... despite popular opinion... I would say about 25% of people have never had a romantic relationship. It is just that those who have are much more open about it.
Click to expand...

Are you referring to total number of sexual partners? Not having had sex doesn't necessarily mean never having a romantic relationship.

But it isn't surprising; a sizable minority who completely miss out on that side of life.
Click to expand...

sorry, I entered the wrong post.
 
dan_in_stoke,

We have so many things in common it's not funny (except I'm 36)

At one point I had to double check and make sure that I wasn't reading one of my own posts :)

Therefore I wouldn't dare offer you advice.

So all I will do is hope that you can find some happiness and fulfillment.
 
If you contact a woman on a dating site and then meet up, or if you meet someone by chance and go on a date, you needn't tell her that you haven't had a relationship before until and if you become closer. Most people have things which they find hard to admit to about their lives and we don't have to share these things until we feel safe with the other person.
I also feel all the time that life is passing me by, so you are not alone in this.
 
Hey Dan,
Your story really hit home for me, our lives are basically parallel apart from a difference in age and gender.
I really wish I could offer you advise and say "it will get better Dan, don't worry" but I can't, all I can say is if you need anyone to chat to I'm here and your not alone there are loads of people in your position and I know for me, it makes me feel somewhat better I'm not the only one. :)
 
Tiina63 said:
If you contact a woman on a dating site and then meet up, or if you meet someone by chance and go on a date, you needn't tell her that you haven't had a relationship before until and if you become closer. Most people have things which they find hard to admit to about their lives and we don't have to share these things until we feel safe with the other person.
I also feel all the time that life is passing me by, so you are not alone in this.
Click to expand...

Yes I agree with this.
 
dan, with all due respect, I think that you are engaging in a bit of self-sabotage (as are most folks in your position). I shall expand upon this point, if requested.
 
dan_in_stoke said:
Life
I'm 35, still living with parents for a number of reasons, from financial to medical.
All my cousins (mostly younger) now are at the age where they have left home,
have or had long term relationships and now have families of there own.

Relationships
Never been close to having one.

:(
Click to expand...

I can relate to this. I am almost 40 and stuck in a very similar situation which I am too embarrassed to be more specific about.
 
dan-in-stoke, what are your hobbies? That's usually a good way to meet friends. I'm in the process of getting to know myself and know what I really value. I'm in the same boat - friends leaving town literally or going off in their own direction with relationships, and me here at home with family but with little of my old crew.

Hobbies help because if you attend the same thing enough, you might start seeing the same people. That way you can have conversations that continue, that build on what you guys said before.
 
Hey skafish,
I hope I ask this question without it seeming like I'm bashing your advice.

Do you do hobbies which involves you leaving the house and meeting new people?

I'm sorry it's just that I hear this statement all the time, if it was that easy this site wouldn't exist and no one would really be lonely.

I hope I didn't sound to bitchy, I just think things like that are so much easier said than done and that's why I'm alone.
 
Littlesecret, I know what you mean. As a matter of fact, I currently only have one hobby that I leave the house for. It does not require me to meet new people now, but it definitely has several times in the past. Some of my friends run a D&D/Star Wars RPG session and I've met some new people through it.

Once I have money I'm going to take guitar lessons and could possibly meet some new people there.

I feel like hobbies are the best bet though - everyone has at least SOMETHING they like and there is a group for it somewhere. When you meet those people you already have something in common.

The only other things I can think of would be conventions, religious groups if you're into that sort of thing, or taking courses somewhere. There's that thing Meetup.com I think, but I haven't looked into it too much since I've been broke for a while and therefore unable to go many places.
 
TheSkaFish said:
Littlesecret, I know what you mean. As a matter of fact, I currently only have one hobby that I leave the house for. It does not require me to meet new people now, but it definitely has several times in the past. Some of my friends run a D&D/Star Wars RPG session and I've met some new people through it.

Once I have money I'm going to take guitar lessons and could possibly meet some new people there.

I feel like hobbies are the best bet though - everyone has at least SOMETHING they like and there is a group for it somewhere. When you meet those people you already have something in common.

The only other things I can think of would be conventions, religious groups if you're into that sort of thing, or taking courses somewhere. There's that thing Meetup.com I think, but I haven't looked into it too much since I've been broke for a while and therefore unable to go many places.
Click to expand...

TheSkaFish, serious question: are you the guy in your avatar? Just curious.
 
TheSkaFish said:
Akagi, yes. That's me.
Click to expand...

well dude, no offense, but you look like a pretty cute, tall, clean-cut white guy who's in pretty good shape, so I don't see why you would have any problem getting laid or being lonely. Just saying. I see guys who look like you (or worse) with chicks all the time.
 
It's not because you have a chick , that you cannot be lonely, my dear. Neither do I think that getting laid is going to fix your loneliness.

I cringe at the word chick, how about : girl, female, woman, ...?
 
HGwells said:
It's not because you have a chick , that you cannot be lonely, my dear. Neither do I think that getting laid is going to fix your loneliness.

I cringe at the word chick, how about : girl, female, woman, ...?
Click to expand...

hey, "chick" is way less offensive than "ho", so I suggest you take what you can get, babycakes. :cool:
 

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