Lonely due to being shy, or not finding anyone you like?

I often blame my loneliness on my social anxiety and introverted personality, but honestly I'm starting to feel more and more like I'm lonely because I simply never seem to meet anyone who is like me. This is likely caused by the fact that I'm foreign and while I like people here, clearly my sense of humour, interests and hobbies, and opinions towards things just don't match with the people around here. But foreign or not, what do you guys think? I feel if there was even just one person around me who I could connect with I would be so much inspired to grow out of my shy state.

Yes I feel like that sometimes. But no one is going to be exactly like me, so I try to find at least something in common with other ladies my age. They may not like shamanism or stuff like that but I like animals and sewing and some things on TV so we can talk about that.

But some things I can't do, like I found someone who seems OK but then they said things that were a bit racist - they didnt use the N word but they came close....I can't manage to have a friend who feels like that.

I'm lonely because there's very few people I connect with. It's funny because I live in a big suburb of a huge city, yet there is hardly anyone around here who shares an interest in the things I like. Most people around here are into stuff like restaurants, booze, TV, the local sports teams, and that's pretty much it. I don't know what I would have to talk about with such a person, it would just be small talk and not a real connection. I like stuff like sci fi, fantasy, and figuring out what life's about.

I don't meet many women I like now. And if I do, 99% of the time they are married or with someone.

I used to think that I couldnt break from the things that made me who I am or I'd be selling myself out. That's bull though, its all just transformation. I find things funny now I would have groaned at last year. Everyday changes me

Very interesting - I have been a foreigner for half of my life, but I think that wasn't the issue, the issue was/is that I was weird and I used to have extremely high standards to like someone, and to decide that we were somewhat similar, now I lowered these standards but people can still see that I am different and most of them walk away, if they don't and we are too different then I get kind of unsatisfied, even if I don't usually walk away unless there is hurtful behavior involved.
You cannot make an owl look like a jaguar, it simply doesn't work. Still looking for more owls to make a pack.

TheSkaFish said:

I'm lonely because there's very few people I connect with. It's funny because I live in a big suburb of a huge city, yet there is hardly anyone around here who shares an interest in the things I like. Most people around here are into stuff like restaurants, booze, TV, the local sports teams, and that's pretty much it. I don't know what I would have to talk about with such a person, it would just be small talk and not a real connection. I like stuff like sci fi, fantasy, and figuring out what life's about.

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I’m pretty much in the same situation, but if I were you, I would leave those people alone. The people you described are the ones we should be the least interested in, simply because they’ve adopted every, single dogma given by the media and tend not to think and see people, like you and me, immediately as “losers.” Also, thanks to the news, they see the lonely as the stereotypical “potential killers,” but we all know that’s BS. Those are two of many other “reasons” to avoid us. I simply think the truth; they don’t like us because of their loud and obnoxious personalities.

By the way, that’s a nice avatar. =)

I think for me, it's a bit of both. I've always been shy, but sometimes I wonder how much of my shyness is a product of being (and feeling) rejected at a very young age. If I had had connections with people, and had at least some friends, would I be as shy as I am now? I don't really think there is that much different about me from most other people, but, even around people who supposedly have the same interests as I do, I just never seem to make a connection with anyone. I've known plenty of people I'd like to have a connection with, but, it just never happens. And it gets worse if I try to make it happen, like some people say that you have to. I think that adds to the shyness, for me anyway, as it feels like I'm intruding on people if I try to even talk to them. Even online.

But, when I have had someone to talk with, even online, on a regular daily basis, I've found that in general, I don't feel as shy. Or if I do, then it doesn't feel like it matters as much. It's just that having that someone to talk with has been very, very rare. I guess, when you feel that there is a connection with someone, it provides a boost, no matter how small, to our self-esteem.

AnonymousMe said:

I’m pretty much in the same situation, but if I were you, I would leave those people alone. The people you described are the ones we should be the least interested in, simply because they’ve adopted every, single dogma given by the media and tend not to think and see people, like you and me, immediately as “losers.” Also, thanks to the news, they see the lonely as the stereotypical “potential killers,” but we all know that’s BS. Those are two of many other “reasons” to avoid us. I simply think the truth; they don’t like us because of their loud and obnoxious personalities.

By the way, that’s a nice avatar. =)

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Hey, thanks! Glad you like my avatar. I was originally just going to use a picture of a fish because of my name, but decided to use the real me instead.

Anyway. I'm less "hardline" about this stuff than I used to be. Just trying to complain less and find less "wrong" with everything. I mean, I get some enjoyment out of those things I mentioned, to an extent. I enjoy going out to eat every once in a while, or at least I used to when I could afford it. Likewise for beer or wine. I occasionally watch TV, but I wouldn't say often. And I wouldn't mind going to a sporting event here and there, simply for something to do. I mean, it's like anything really, there are characters, a story, lore, strategy, I can definitely see the appeal. Having a favorite team would be like having a favorite character. But, with me, none of these things are my MAIN interests. However, they are the main interests for the majority of people around here, regardless of gender. I could do these things casually but I'm just not into these things enough to truly connect with anyone over them. And while I want to add more depth to my identity to become more interesting, I don't want to discard my interests either.

I also don't believe that people, particularly women, see me as a potential killer or anything like that (at least, not to my knowledge). It's just that I think it's a mutual feeling of not having enough in common to really have anything meaningful to say. I wish I could meet someone around here who's just like how I want to be - friendly, creative, literary, adventurous, smart but still playful and not too serious. Oh well.

Culture clash could cause a rift. Looking around me, I see some areas where there's more mixing and other areas where everyone pretty much sticks to "their kind". Open-mindedness varies location to location or even neighborhood to neighborhood, and so do tastes.

At this point, I'm neither option. I have no trouble speaking my mind or approaching people now that I no longer believe there's something wrong with not being sensitive and sweet and there's no performance of being so to keep up. It just takes a long time to find and befriend the people I like, and since I'm usually the one initiating friendships I have to expend quite a bit of energy before I can say that we have something. The payoff is instantaneous, though, and I'm feeling better than I have since I was a small child.

Most people would run screaming away from a long-winded analysis or stop listening and turn it into a fight if it offended them, but I found someone who had a lot to say on the subject himself, actually finds it interesting, and doesn't mind his conclusions being challenged. So, I'm happy for now because I can learn quite a bit from him even if we don't form a strong bond. He's pretty much me x3, which is fantastic.

I'm not exactly lonely but I want to find some people I have things in common with. But the sort of people I'd like to be around are hard to find.

Yes I am having problems with this. First, I seriously believe that 99% of people there is something seriously wrong with. The are not bright, do not have reactions I think are appropriate and seem so ... lame? It is extremely hard to talk, just talk, to anyone lately without a bad reaction. Something being misunderstood or them appearing to think I am stuck up or something.

Also, my general interests do not fit with the people around me. When I like to go out with people I like to talk and get to know them. Most people when they say they want to go out, they want to go out, and do anything to avoid talking -- typically get drunk or in someway forget about their life. They don't want to talk about it.

At work, I want to find ways to improve things... but no one else wants to do that. They just, again, want to accept things the way they are and complain about them.

At work I do feel like people betray me if they don't do their jobs that I need them to do. But for some reason, they feel they can completely mess up their jobs, putting me in danger and frustration, and we should still be friends. Like being friends has nothing to do with work? But to me, that is totally the opposite. I can only really make friends with people at work that I can count on. That do their work to HELP me. How can it not be a betrayal when you don't and mess things up for me? Do you truly feel your sparkling personality is enough? But seem to.

I need to know someone before I can become attracted to them but others seem to get attracted based on things like superficial looks and have no interest (or even conception) of getting to know people. I have determined that is where "hook up" came to be, as they don't want to be involved with people they just want sex. That is 100% opposite of me. I can't have sex without knowing the person... pretty much... or basically I have to pretend I am in a doctors appointment and it is a purely technical exchange.

I often find the only people I make friends with are older or from another culture. I suspect both those groups have the values that I do, perhaps outdated. And perhaps this is why I have so much trouble with others.

But even on line, I am finding the problem. I have a long term message board that I have hung out on for a while and as much as I like them, I think we are going to have to part ways. They just don't understand me anymore.. I think we have grown apart. It is about 8 people but I would say 3 of them are just not really in the same sphere anymore, and so, I get tried of listening to them and they me.

I think there's something in this. I think a lot of shyness and social awkwardness manages to melt away when you can find your group of people, your "tribe" as they say! I'm not foreign, but I'm kind of not any particular type of person, I'm a bit of a mixture, finding somewhere where I'm a slam dunk fit and not on the edge has been a bit of a problem. The only advice I've really got is keep looking, and importantly, don't hide your true personality. I know you feel like you want to fit in, but if you don't get the real you out there, then people can't connect with you! It's true.

Man, there's a scary thought... I don't know if it's just me but I don't want my friends to be like me... That would be completely weird & boring... If my friends were just like me, then I could just hang out with mirror in my room... My friends & I have our mutual understanding of what each other is like & that's one of the reasons why we're as close of friends that we are...

sk66rc said:

Man, there's a scary thought... I don't know if it's just me but I don't want my friends to be like me... That would be completely weird & boring... If my friends were just like me, then I could just hang out with mirror in my room... My friends & I have our mutual understanding of what each other is like & that's one of the reasons why we're as close of friends that we are...

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For me, what you said applies to relationships. I don't want to end up dating myself, that would be awkward and weird

I'm not lonely, but I am hoping to find someone who has the same interest as me as friends. You know, like games and tv and stuff...

I often blame my introvert too, it's so hard to socialize with this introvert in me. And when i find someone that i like, most of them are married. And when someone like me, i just don't feel comfortable with the person. I only have few friends that i'm comfortable with. And it's getting less when they are married one by one. So, i often feel desperate.

Although no one would ever mistake me for being shy, I think something must be wrong with me if so many men don't find me attractive/interesting. I believe its because I talk too much, I am too negative and I can get very hung up on certain topics which may make people feel like I am imposing my beliefs or opinions on them.

I am working on changing these things so who knows?

Veruca said:

Although no one would ever mistake me for being shy, I think something must be wrong with me if so many men don't find me attractive/interesting. I believe its because I talk too much, I am too negative and I can get very hung up on certain topics which may make people feel like I am imposing my beliefs or opinions on them.

I am working on changing these things so who knows?

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Talking too much isn't necessarily a bad thing... Everybody gets to be negative sometimes... That's why we vent... Speaking of venting, nothing wrong with voicing your opinions & beliefs... Sometimes depending on how passionate we feel about certain topics, we all can come across, I wouldn't say imposing but rather, little strong...

I think a big stumbling block is not having things in common, then looks. With the former I think one can get away with quite a lot. My problem is I can't even pretend to be into the things people my age are into, and it doesn't help that I have extensive obscure pop culture knowledge, I just scream "DORK," lol!

I'm not lonely due to being shy anymore. If I am around a person long enough to determine that we have something we can talk about, I have no problem making conversation with them.

The real reason is that I'm caught in this limbo zone. I don't like the people that are around here, because they are neither physically appealing enough for me nor are they interesting enough. If I turn someone down, it's for one of those two reasons, or both. And yet, it is me who is neither physically appealing enough nor interesting enough for the ones I want. Even though I'm not a bad-looking guy, even though we have stuff in common, even though we can have conversations that go into what we actually care about, way past the superficial.

Also, I'm too nice. When I meet a girl I like, I am nice to her. I tell her I will listen to her. I don't act dismissive of her, I don't put her down or call her stupid, I don't fake that I don't care about her, I don't play hot-cold games with her. I act kind and interested because I care. Maybe that's my problem. But the thing is, I don't want to be a jerk. I don't want to act the way that jerks do, I don't want to like the things they like, I don't want to dress how they dress, listen to what they listen to, and so forth. I don't want to be cocky, I don't want to mock everything, I don't want to be tough or act "hard". I don't have any element of danger to me, and I don't really want one either. But it makes women think I'm boring. I don't want to be the kind of person that's always be trying to be too cool for wherever I am or whatever I'm doing. I always hated how people did that growing up, all the way back to elementary school. It always looked so stupid to me, so forced and so cliche, but that's what it seems that pretty, fascinating girls are drawn to like moths to light. I don't know. It seems like you either have to be a Jersey Shore type, trying to be some rapper, or some Hell's Angels wannabe. I'm tired of being alone but if it takes becoming an arrogant, thuggish ********* to get a girl, I just don't know that I could even do it if I wanted to.

And now it's too late anyway.