Do you make friends with the wrong people?

I tend to have a recurring problem... I don't initiate friendships because I am too shy / terrified to target someone and try to make friends with them. With that, I also do have a bit of an issue even deciding who would be a good person to make friends with. It is very hard for me to "discriminate" among people. I tend to see them as all having value and all equal.

So typically I make friends only with those with the good taste to approach me. However, here is the thing... typically those with the good taste to approach me have something wrong with them. They will not turn out to be a good friend or fit for me... most typically because they have issues that caused them to reach out to me. Some people reach out to me because they feel bad for me. Some people reach out to me because they are lonely and reach out to everyone in the general area. Some people reach out to me because they think I am nice and they are looking for nice. Some reach out to me because they think I am the key to getting something.

But typically at the end of the day I find that those that are hard to get to get to know are usually the best friends. And those that are easy to get to know usually turn out to be problems. Why it seems maybe I am stuck with many "friends" that are anything but.

Anyone else have this problem?

yes! same problem here - also, not only am I terrified to make the first step, but I am quite incapable of recognizing who is a good person, possibly because I don't know how to go through the preliminary steps of friendship, when you drop here and there personal questions and understand how the other person feels about a number of issues. Another problem is that after some time I do feel there is some basic incompatibility, but I feel bad at dropping them and just look for better friends (I am thinking about my neighbors now), and sometimes I feel "naa, I just ask too much from people", but it shouldn't be too much to be able to count on one or two persons, or to have them remotely interested in your personal life and bring you medicine if you ask them too when you are sick. My suggestion is (also for myself): dump, dump without remorse. It is good karma to be the red cross, but one also needs to have one's own needs met, otherwise it is not sustainable.
For some people this doesn't stand, because they don't even need you, but they are as you say looking for something. Save your precious time for precious people. That's my long term goal, at least.

Peaches said:

sometimes I feel "naa, I just ask too much from people", but it shouldn't be too much to be able to count on one or two persons, or to have them remotely interested in your personal life and bring you medicine if you ask them too when you are sick. My suggestion is (also for myself): dump, dump without remorse.

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Ahh I agree... but I also suffer from being unable to dump them until they have suckered their way into my life almost completely. I also worry that dumping them will just leave me without anyone but I feel like I need to really be more focused on better friends and force myself out, but who, how do you make friends. I am used to people other than me doing all the work.

Save your precious time for precious people.

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Good advice.

"But typically at the end of the day I find that those that are hard to get to get to know are usually the best friends. And those that are easy to get to know usually turn out to be problems. Why it seems maybe I am stuck with many "friends" that are anything but.

Anyone else have this problem? "

Yes, it's happened to me on several occasions. Ironically, the ones that approached me, and went overboard on being friendly, usually turned so many others off with their weird ways they sought me to cure their loneliness.

I'll never forget this one older woman that I noticed no one would talk to her. If they did, it was only work related. She was so friendly to me that I thought the other co-workers were being petty a-holes. Then, I slowly saw how she would say crude things, stab others in the back and talk about others to me like they were the ones with the personality issues. She turned out to be someone I couldn't stand in the end and I avoided her at all costs.

Funny, the ones that you thought for sure were standoffish and rude end up being the ones you relate to the best...even to the point of becoming a good friend.

I used to try to make friends or maintain friendships with people who were terrible for me because I believed there were no "wrong people". To a person who wasn't valid, there could be no such thing as a wrong person. I grew up believing that I was in the wrong if I couldn't pull off acting a particular way and engaging people, and if things went south it was because I'd failed in the social performance.

Now I accept the consequences of being the way I am, but never the shame or the tall tales that I'll die alone, unloved, and friendless for not valuing harmony and social ritual. That's just a scare tactic used by insecure and small-minded people to push their agenda.

I've become comfortable approaching people, but have to keep in mind that I'm not compatible with most people beyond a surface level. I'm pretty happy with what I have right now plus a few older acquaintances who always seem to show up to the same coffee shops. I'm happy to be friendly from a distance if I don't have to earn validity by dancing on my hind legs like a circus dog.

I don't do this so much with friends, but with men. I am so shy when it comes to the opposite sex, that if a guy shows interest in me, I will date him. My last long relationship was with a guy I had no business being with, who treated me bad. When I finally broke it off, I had to get a protective order against him.

Now I think I am too closed off and picky when it comes to guys.

Yes, I have and still do sometimes but that happens less and less as I get older. It is much easier at this point in my life to weed out bad people or to put the kibosh on friendships with people who are better described as enemies.

Good friends are hard to find; they are not a dime a dozen. I have about 5 very good friends that I would trust my life and my kid's life with. One of my friends is even my successor trustee for my living trust.

Many people including me make the mistake sometimes of assuming people we see everyday at work are our friends when the only thing you really have in common is work

-Teresa

No..

Truth is....I AM THE WRONG PEOPLE!!!


Mwahahahahahaha......
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MWAHAHAHAHAHA......

Yeah this happens to me a lot. I'll give people a chance but overtime they're true colors will come out. If I notice anything odd or bad I'll take a step back and 're-think things. I've let a lot of abusive people into my life. They befriend me for their own personal game and play mind games with me. They'll be sweet and loving and than overtime they'll change and be so rude and cold towards me. Abusive people will look for others to target: it's best to avoid those people and stop talking to them. They use people and manipulate others and I've met a few. It's a shame cause they tend to use very sweet people. And they end up trying to over power them. Earlier today I reminded myself: if nobody wants to be my friend and give me a chance that I'll be ok in the end. I'm 31 years old and I keep going and I'm strong and beautiful. I rather have important friends in my life than people who don't care about me. And there's a few people who will try to take others for granted: if you're hurt by how they treat you drop them fast. I had a best friend who was so mean and abusive to me. Still to this day he tries to add me on Facebook but I never accept his friend request cause of what he did. He had his chance and he messed up. Once people hurt me I'm done with them. Sorry for my rant, lol!!

I'd say yes. I tend to gravitate towards "nice" people. They are nice to other people, but use me as their support and place to put their negativity. I don't mind this, but often they take me for granted and don't give me the reciprocal consideration to keep a healthy relationship going. The sad thing is, they often judge other people in order to boost their self-esteem and can actually be quite selfish.

It really depletes my own happiness, so I'm learning to put more distance with such people.