Relationship break up...

Hi guys,

Just found this forum, thought it might be useful for things I’m struggling with. I have a boyfriend and we’ve been going out 9 months(ish). The other week when he came round he said he wanted to break up bcos we’d been arguing recently and he didn’t think I was “the one”. It was horrible. He kept saying he loved me throughout the time until the next day when he say he would give us a second chance, believing “love conquers”. I was happy about this although confused. He is so busy at work though he can’t see me until a week today, I just feel horrible, like I don’t know what to think/what he’s thinking, and I’m worried about bothering him too much with texts etc. It stresses me out so much. Like when we broke up, I felt like I was in a black hole which I would not come out from. I knew that feeling would last for months based on previous break-ups.

I just wish I knew how to break up with people without feeling like that. It’s almost like whether I want to stay with the person is less important than the effect I know the breakup will have on me. Right now I am just worried and feel sad. Like I assume things are ok, we are still in a relationship on fb and he is a good sort so I don’t think he’d not tell me if he’d changed his mind again. But I worry about what is going through his mind now, if he is regretting the decision, and what is going to happen next week. Having to wait is really hard for me. I find it difficult to believe he loves me, even though he says it all the time. I don’t want to break up with him so much, because I know I will be in a black hole. I know things aren’t perfect, but I still think they’re pretty good and I do like being in a relationship. I do sometimes question if I wasn’t so scared about the effect of breaking up on me, how would I feel about it then? Like, although I do love him I know we have some differences too. All I know now though is that I don’t want to break up with him. I wish I didn’t feel so **** awful right now, we haven’t even broken up yet!

Thanks,

stargirl

Breakups are never easy if you have feelings for someone but know it's not working. This is why many people hang onto their partner for fear of the hurt that comes with a breakup, this can cause problems for both of you. I think it's something you's definitely need a proper discussion about and work out what you both want, but to be honest once problems arise like this it's rare for it to be repaired back to normality and live happily ever after; for this guy it could be something that's swept under the rug and for you it'll be something always in the back of your mind, is that something you want to live with? At least if you broke up you'll know where you stand.

I don't mean to cause any offence by this comment... but why aren't you talking to your friends about this? Why are you bringing this to an anonymous forum you've never visited before?

Welcome to the site.

Nightwing said:

I don't mean to cause any offence by this comment... but why aren't you talking to your friends about this? Why are you bringing this to an anonymous forum you've never visited before?

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Probably because people that do not know her or the bf will give unbias replies. That's how I see it.

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Like 9006 said.. break ups are never easy, unless it was mutual and that neither side saw the relationship going anywhere (which I don't think happens often). The whole "love conquers" is actually a choice, not a belief. You either choose that little imperfections will not bother you, or that it will.

I have this quote in my profile "Infatuation is when you find someone that is absolutely perfect. Love is when you realize they aren't and it doesn't matter." So it comes down to you and him deciding whether the imperfections matter or not.. It will be hard. Maybe if you were to think back on your previous break ups.. and look at you the last 8 months.. now look into the future, can't you have another 8 months (or more) with someone else if you found your current bf after your ex? I'm pretty sure you thought your ex was the perfect guy too.

Hi,

Nightwing said:

I don't mean to cause any offence by this comment... but why aren't you talking to your friends about this? Why are you bringing this to an anonymous forum you've never visited before?

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Yeh just feel like a bit uncomfortable discussing it in so much detail really... tbh i thought the point of having this forum was to discuss r'ship difficulties, it's quite self-explanatory isn't it?! If everyone discussed things with friends why do you think there is a forum?!

Know what you're saying 9006, i just really don't want to be alone and i do want to make it work... Even though i guess it does seem unlikely. Idk. Just wish i was able to deal with it better!

Thanks

In my experience love is not the only thing necessary to make a relationship work. You might love someone, but if your differences are too severe - very different values and beliefs - it just isn't going to work well. Living in constant drama and arguments isn't healthy, but it can become addictive for some people, as if it isn't real love without some roller-coaster ride going on.

Just because he says he loves you - and you love him, may not make it work out. I don't know how old you are, but there are worse things than being on your own. It's Ok to be sad when things don't work out, but hanging on to something that doesn't work will not make you feel less lonely. Sometimes being in a relationship that is wrong for you can be the loneliest feeling in the world...

Regumika said:

Nightwing said:

I don't mean to cause any offence by this comment... but why aren't you talking to your friends about this? Why are you bringing this to an anonymous forum you've never visited before?

Click to expand...

Probably because people that do not know her or the bf will give unbias replies. That's how I see it.

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From where I'm sitting... personal knowledge of the people involved is extremely useful in cases like this. You just need people you can trust who will give you honesty.

stargirl86 said:

Hi,

Nightwing said:

I don't mean to cause any offence by this comment... but why aren't you talking to your friends about this? Why are you bringing this to an anonymous forum you've never visited before?

Click to expand...

Yeh just feel like a bit uncomfortable discussing it in so much detail really... tbh i thought the point of having this forum was to discuss r'ship difficulties, it's quite self-explanatory isn't it?! If everyone discussed things with friends why do you think there is a forum?!

Click to expand...

I thought this was a forum about loneliness? I'm pretty sure there are full forums dedicated to agony aunts and relationship advisers etc. This is a subform on relationships within a loneliness forum. From browsing it... the majority of posts are about failed relationships, laughably bad dates and being unable to find a significant other to date for whatever reason. I bring this up because... I wouldn't think we are the best advisers on something like this... however... if I was to posit an educated guess....

stargirl86 said:

Know what you're saying 9006, i just really don't want to be alone

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I'd say this is the most relevant thing you've said and maybe there's something going on under the surface which has drawn you to a loneliness forum? When I reread your opening post... it sounds to me more like you're trying to invest emotion to avoid pain. Relationships don't work like that. We really need to educate most of the population that the idea "love conquers all" is a myth. It's a myth which causes a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering. As Jag said above, sometimes it's simply not enough. Even then... you've got to examine whether you're both potentially just in this to avoid being single. (Which is possibly the worst reason to be in a relationship.) You don't need to look far in this forum to see people telling us how they hate being single. The problem is, if you fear being single to the point that it is something you use as a reason to stay in a relationship... you're clearly struggling for good reasons to be in that relationship. In my humble opinion... that quote is you just writing naturally what came to mind... and the part where you say you don't want to be alone... is very telling.

I've seen guys act like your bf has... they break up, then realise they're losing something and think it'll be worse to be single. (Or the girl they intended to ask out turned them down. Or some other plan fell through.) And suddenly the idea of being single again isn't as appealing, so they go back and make up to avoid this. I'm not saying this is true... I'm saying it's a serious possibility which you should consider.

Thems my two cents... take it or leave it. It's just an educated guess based on the limited information I have here. It's unbiased sure... but I still think you'd be better off speaking to your friends and/or others who are more familiar with the personalities of the people involved.

The BEST thing to do now is "no contact". It is best for you and him. Do not text, call or do anything to see him. This is the best chance for him to miss you and give you another chance, if that is what you want. At the same time it helps you heal and move on. With time you get clarity and strength and are no longer needy.

There is a lot online about this. It's the best thing to do if you've been dumped.

I am sorry. Break ups are horrible...but you can get thru it.

stargirl86 said:

Hi guys,

Just found this forum, thought it might be useful for things I’m struggling with. I have a boyfriend and we’ve been going out 9 months(ish). The other week when he came round he said he wanted to break up bcos we’d been arguing recently and he didn’t think I was “the one”. It was horrible. He kept saying he loved me throughout the time until the next day when he say he would give us a second chance, believing “love conquers”. I was happy about this although confused. He is so busy at work though he can’t see me until a week today, I just feel horrible, like I don’t know what to think/what he’s thinking, and I’m worried about bothering him too much with texts etc. It stresses me out so much. Like when we broke up, I felt like I was in a black hole which I would not come out from. I knew that feeling would last for months based on previous break-ups.

I just wish I knew how to break up with people without feeling like that. It’s almost like whether I want to stay with the person is less important than the effect I know the breakup will have on me. Right now I am just worried and feel sad. Like I assume things are ok, we are still in a relationship on fb and he is a good sort so I don’t think he’d not tell me if he’d changed his mind again. But I worry about what is going through his mind now, if he is regretting the decision, and what is going to happen next week. Having to wait is really hard for me. I find it difficult to believe he loves me, even though he says it all the time. I don’t want to break up with him so much, because I know I will be in a black hole. I know things aren’t perfect, but I still think they’re pretty good and I do like being in a relationship. I do sometimes question if I wasn’t so scared about the effect of breaking up on me, how would I feel about it then? Like, although I do love him I know we have some differences too. All I know now though is that I don’t want to break up with him. I wish I didn’t feel so **** awful right now, we haven’t even broken up yet!

Thanks,

stargirl

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It's extremely difficult to judge a relationship without personally knowing both people. But I'm not the type of person to stick around and wait for someone just because they cant make up their mind if they want to be with me or not, If they keep changing their mind then in most cases the relationship is bound to fail. You need to find someone where both parties have no doubt that they want to be with each other even while in the middle of an argument. Not where one day they do and another they don't.

Don't be afraid to be single and don't settle for someone you wont be truly happy with, you will find someone.