I'm still unable to believe that any girl wuld possibly want me

I like to think that I've made progress with my overall anxiety and depression since I started on antidepressants last fall, but one aspect of it hasn't budged an inch: I'm still utterly unable to believe that any girl would possibly want a relationship with me.

I get along with others (of both genders) quite easily, and I always did (even before the meds), but my last gf left me so completely starved of affection and love that I'm just completely unable to think that any girl, no matter how much we may get along and no matter how friendly and outgoing she is towards me, would want a relationship.

Whenever I have an interest in possibly asking a girl out, numerous thoughts flood my mind to convince me not to. Here are some samples:

• "She isn't interested in a relationship, she's just being friendly. It would be imposing on her to ask her out."
• "Why would she want to be with you? Friendship is one thing, but she doesn't want to be your girlfriend."
• "Asking her out would just be a burden, don't do it, you'll ruin the friendship you have."
• "If she wanted a relationship, she'd make it known. She's obviously uninterested and you'll just annoy her by asking."

And various other permutations of those thoughts. I can't escape them, and they cause me to completely freeze up whenever I try to ask someone out. Probably doesn't help that both of my relationships started when she asked me out, and that every time I've ever asked a girl out, I've been rejected.

But how can I bring myself to believe that anyone could possibly be interested in me? That asking them out won't be a burden?

Beat up your bad thoughts! Knock 'em out! Argue with yourself, and take a deep breathe and say f-you bad thoughts, I'm awesome! I have to do this to gain confidence in asking people anything!

Here, these are you bad thoughts, and I have some replies:

"She isn't interested in a relationship, she's just being friendly. It would be imposing on her to ask her out."
- How do you know she isn't interested in a relationship? If she is being flirty (not friendly, but actually flirty) she wants your attention. And it is NOT imposing. There are women out there (me for example) that still want guys to ask us out, and not have to do it ourselves. If she doesn't want to, she'll just say no. She isn't going to say no and then kick you in head, she's friendly right?

"Why would she want to be with you? Friendship is one thing, but she doesn't want to be your girlfriend."
- Embrace your inter-awesomeness, we all have it whether we realize it or not. You know what makes you desirable, you are probably a great guy that will be kind to her and have fun with. Yea, friendship is one thing, and if she doesn't want to be your girlfriend, move on, you can still be friends. It can be awkward, but only if one of the people in the friendship are "all or nothing" kind of friends. I was madly inlove with my best guy friend, he didn't want to date me, I said "Oh well" and move on. Was not the easiest thing I ever did, but life goes on.

"Asking her out would just be a burden, don't do it, you'll ruin the friendship you have."
- Why is it a burden? It's not. See above for the rest.

"If she wanted a relationship, she'd make it known. She's obviously uninterested and you'll just annoy her by asking."
- Eh, sometimes we will, sometimes we won't. How is it so obvious that she is uninterested? And nothing can be annoying unless it is done multiple times.

el Jay said:

I like to think that I've made progress with my overall anxiety and depression since I started on antidepressants last fall, but one aspect of it hasn't budged an inch: I'm still utterly unable to believe that any girl would possibly want a relationship with me.

I get along with others (of both genders) quite easily, and I always did (even before the meds), but my last gf left me so completely starved of affection and love that I'm just completely unable to think that any girl, no matter how much we may get along and no matter how friendly and outgoing she is towards me, would want a relationship.

Whenever I have an interest in possibly asking a girl out, numerous thoughts flood my mind to convince me not to. Here are some samples:

• "She isn't interested in a relationship, she's just being friendly. It would be imposing on her to ask her out."
• "Why would she want to be with you? Friendship is one thing, but she doesn't want to be your girlfriend."
• "Asking her out would just be a burden, don't do it, you'll ruin the friendship you have."
• "If she wanted a relationship, she'd make it known. She's obviously uninterested and you'll just annoy her by asking."

And various other permutations of those thoughts. I can't escape them, and they cause me to completely freeze up whenever I try to ask someone out. Probably doesn't help that both of my relationships started when she asked me out, and that every time I've ever asked a girl out, I've been rejected.

But how can I bring myself to believe that anyone could possibly be interested in me? That asking them out won't be a burden?

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your last point is true. Problem is we would wait forever.

Why not ask ? It's not like we are asking for marriage. As long as you ask in a nice way there is nothing wrong with it.

Well we all knock ourselves down a peg or two thinking about the dating process... You've just got to bite the bullet and ask (Yes, it makes my knees wibbly as well), if you think about it, imagine if someone came and asked you out, even if they were really, really nervous, what would you think? Cute? Am I right? :3

There is always a fear of being rejected but (even I keep getting told) if you get knocked back, its not the end of the world, just smile and accept it was worth a try. You probably made that persons day, they'll be walking home thinking Yeah, I'm Hot so, either way, you did good bro!

It is kind of sad, what is happening to us. I know tons of great women who don't even have boyfriends and just shake their heads and have no clue why. Because no one ever asks. And they wait. Also, a lot of women have trouble figuring out who is in a relationship so ... if you ask them out... then they know you are available but until you do... they can't be sure.

I get the impression you feel like it'd be some huge imposition if you asked somebody out or made her realise you were attracted to her. I'm sorry you feel that way because it's not actually true.

Girls, an awful lot of the time, like being asked out. They like finding out that people find them attractive. It doesn't necessarily mean they'll say yes, but as long as you're not aggressive or weird when you're asking, it's definitely not as offensive as you seem to think.

el Jay said:

I like to think that I've made progress with my overall anxiety and depression since I started on antidepressants last fall, but one aspect of it hasn't budged an inch: I'm still utterly unable to believe that any girl would possibly want a relationship with me.

I get along with others (of both genders) quite easily, and I always did (even before the meds), but my last gf left me so completely starved of affection and love that I'm just completely unable to think that any girl, no matter how much we may get along and no matter how friendly and outgoing she is towards me, would want a relationship.

Whenever I have an interest in possibly asking a girl out, numerous thoughts flood my mind to convince me not to. Here are some samples:

• "She isn't interested in a relationship, she's just being friendly. It would be imposing on her to ask her out."
• "Why would she want to be with you? Friendship is one thing, but she doesn't want to be your girlfriend."
• "Asking her out would just be a burden, don't do it, you'll ruin the friendship you have."
• "If she wanted a relationship, she'd make it known. She's obviously uninterested and you'll just annoy her by asking."

And various other permutations of those thoughts. I can't escape them, and they cause me to completely freeze up whenever I try to ask someone out. Probably doesn't help that both of my relationships started when she asked me out, and that every time I've ever asked a girl out, I've been rejected.

But how can I bring myself to believe that anyone could possibly be interested in me? That asking them out won't be a burden?

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Everyone gets rejected, finding love is a troublesome, hardcore, kick-your-ass-into-your-bellybutton task for EVERY person. Also, because you're a man, you have a brain shield making it even harder to decode women vibes. Compound all that with insecurity and you're in over your head. Chances are, you're probably pretty awesome and desirable, you're just fighting against yourself. Women are actually looking for real men and real relationships! Want a woman? Smell good, be a gentlemen, wear something stylish for heavens sake, and show some confidence. Women want protectors! You can't protect her if you're always down on yourself. You're job is to be awesome so you can make her feel awesome. If you don't want to burden a woman, don't burden her with low self esteem because she is already burdened with it. You can do it, you were made to.

I guess I should clarify that my last gf is probably the source of a lot of these feelings. As I mentioned, she basically kept me starved of affection and intimacy, but it went beyond even that. She was pretty naive, and also opinionated and didn't care much for those things herself. She couldn't understand why people wanted affection and intimacy, so not only did she never show me any without be initiating it, she often would ask why I wanted those things, and even demanded I explain why I wanted them. She'd do the same with sex.

So she simultaneously made me feel that no one could possibly ever want me, as well as that my basic human needs in a relationship needed to be explained and justified. She would make me feel selfish and like a pervert anytime I did try and initiate any of those things, too. It was like she was perfectly happy without those things, so anytime I wanted them they were just a burden on her.

And now, even after starting antidepressants and going to therapy, I still can't get around this massive mental block preventing me from asking girls out. As I mentioned, it's just this intense, immediate wall of fear and terror that I'll be burdening them, that if they're single they're perfectly fine with being single and asking them out would just upset that equilibrium and cause them to resent me (like my ex-gf ended up doing), and cause them to think less of me for it.

But over 3 years later and I'm still struggling greatly. I just don't know how to solve this problem. I feel like if I actually got a gf, that it'd fix a lot of the issues by having someone who (presumably) WOULD show me affection, but of course the catch-22 is that getting one is the problem in and of itself.

Sorry to be negative but I almost agree with that last thought : "If she wanted a relationship, she'd make it known..."

There's got to be signs that someone is interested, and if there don't appear to be any then perhaps it's best not to bother them, spoil the friendship etc. Having the courage is fine but you have to use some common sense and pick the situation.

el Jay said:

I guess I should clarify that my last gf is probably the source of a lot of these feelings. As I mentioned, she basically kept me starved of affection and intimacy, but it went beyond even that. She was pretty naive, and also opinionated and didn't care much for those things herself. She couldn't understand why people wanted affection and intimacy, so not only did she never show me any without be initiating it, she often would ask why I wanted those things, and even demanded I explain why I wanted them.

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Well then why was she with you??

ardour said:

Sorry to be negative but I almost agree with that last thought : "If she wanted a relationship, she'd make it known..."

There's got to be signs that someone is interested, and if there don't appear to be any then perhaps it's best not to bother them, spoil the friendship etc. Having the courage is fine but you have to use some common sense and pick the situation.

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Well, one problem I have is that I'm very bad at picking up on signs people may give me. In general, not just about whether a girl likes me. So I never know if she's sending some sort of signal or not, and worry that she might be and I may think she isn't. The bullying I endured during most of my years in school when I was younger left me socially inept and while I've improved a lot in the past several years, I'm still a long way from understanding the level of nuance that it feels like is required for this.

Well then why was she with you??

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She used to be better about it, but she's never been a very happy person, and she only got worse over the course of our relationship. Nothing I ever did made her happier in the long run, and in fact she ended up resenting me in part for my inability to make her feel better (even though she desperately needed antidepressants and therapy), and resenting herself for not feeling better despite my efforts. Basically, she resented me for making her resent herself because all of my efforts in trying to cheer her up were never enough to do so.

But things wee good in the beginning, or at least good enough. We had a lot in common, we got along, we had fun. As time went on, there was less of the fun/happy times and more of the depression, until there was no more fun/happy left.

I think I might try asking out this girl who's been in my classes the past year and a half, and who I know for a fact is single. She's cute, we get along, but I'm not sure whether she would be interested in me for a relationship. Since we finish up our senior thesis poster presentations tomorrow (or today, at this point, at least EST) at 11:30am, and we both would head home then, I could ask her out to lunch and suggest a place in town I know that she probably doesn't (since she actually commutes from like half an hour away, instead of my 10 minute commute).

Less than 12 hours from now I guess we'll all find out whether I managed to get the courage to do so, and if so, how it went.

Don't believe it, Jay. Doesn't make it untrue though. Just because we don't see something, doesn't mean it's not there. If you're thinking of asking someone out, I say go for it.

Didn't get a chance to ask her out to lunch. Her mother unexpectedly took off work to come see her present her research at the symposium, and they ended up leaving together, so I didn't have a chance to ask her out that wasn't either in front of her mom, or me creepily running up to her after they went to their own individual cars.

el Jay said:

Didn't get a chance to ask her out to lunch. Her mother unexpectedly took off work to come see her present her research at the symposium, and they ended up leaving together, so I didn't have a chance to ask her out that wasn't either in front of her mom, or me creepily running up to her after they went to their own individual cars.

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You will get another chance ^^, don't give up. Keep having the courage to put yourself out there and good things are bound to come of it.