I thought I was done with the "Lonely Life" but I was wrong...

Greetings,

About a month ago, I was dumped by someone I loved dearly. Someone I loved more than myself. Someone I thought was "The One". I understand this isn't a unique thing - it happens all the time. This completely destroyed me and I am trying to put the pieces back together. I just need some advice.

I was in a long distance relationship (different countries separated by an ocean) with someone for about 6 months. She was wonderful and had a wonderful daughter. We both fell madly in love. She came to visit me and a month later I visited her. When I got back to the US, I had planned on moving to be with her and her daughter permanently. She said she could wait a few years for me if needed. I said give me a few months. I was working hard to make it happen.

So about a month ago, that all ended - less than 3 months since I visited her. She ended the relationship. She had a few very tough weeks - I did all I could from here to support her but it wasn't enough. I was heartbroken. With her mental health concerns, I tried to be understanding even though it hurt a lot. A week later, she is in a relationship with another guy (at least according to Facebook). That devastates me. It had only been a week earlier that she said told me that she loved me and that I should keep fighting for her.

So right now, I am not sure what to feel anymore. I am hurt that they are no longer in my life. I am hurt and angry that she is in a relationship with someone else after only a week of ending the relationship with me. I don't see how she could have developed a relationship with someone that quickly without cheating on me. I am hurt and angry because I poured in a lot of time and resources into this relationship only for it to dissolve and end so abruptly(over Facebook Messenger, no less). I ultimately feel foolish.

I don't know how to process this. It has been a little over a month and I still am overcome with emotions, cry often, become depressed, etc. My brain is trying to tell me that I am better off. That life will be less stressful. That you will find someone else. But it feels like my brain is lying to me to make me feel better. Maybe some outside perspective will help.

Be cynical about people like this next time. No matter how beautiful or cute is, a woman is just another human. If she has problems, then she's another human with problems. So separate the attraction you feel for a woman, separate your need (need, yes, you're needy) for affection from the human side of that woman, and see what kind of person she is. And then decide if you wish such a person around you or not.
You should be happy you escaped a catastrophe.
And stop making bad investments. Is that what you do with your money in the banks as well ? Bad investments ?

More fish in the sea, just be careful next time before you pour your feelings into someone, especially abroad.

Sorry to hear you're hurting. It's completely normal to feel sad and out of sorts only a month after a breakup. It can take a long time to gain a clear perspective on what happened.


Apropos of nothing, I just noticed we both joined the forum on almost the exact same day. Welcome back!

-Teresa

I, too, am sorry about your pain. It sounds like this woman was not right for you. Seems like she had a lot of problems. Hurting and insecure people will do what she has done to you for the validation. It most likely has nothing to do with you. It is a good thing that you are honest with yourself and how you feel and are going through the emotions. It's better than hiding from your feelings and repressing them, only for them to surface in unhealthy ways later. I hope for the best for you.

I have often wondered how people can do this myself, I've broken up with someone only for them to quickly be in another relationship. Unless it's a 'rebound' thing there's no way that person could possibly have such strong feelings that they said. I find that some people are like this; they seem to switch relationships like they switch channels and can pick and choose their feelings with anyone who turns up at the time. This to me is a pure lack of understanding of attraction and relationships.

Although this person maybe on your mind I think it would be silly to get back with her, it's not like you'll never get a girlfriend ever again. I think you should keep the good memories and move on, which includes removing this person from your contacts, facebook etc...

9006 said:

I have often wondered how people can do this myself, I've broken up with someone only for them to quickly be in another relationship. Unless it's a 'rebound' thing there's no way that person could possibly have such strong feelings that they said. I find that some people are like this; they seem to switch relationships like they switch channels and can pick and choose their feelings with anyone who turns up at the time. This to me is a pure lack of understanding of attraction and relationships.

Although this person maybe on your mind I think it would be silly to get back with her, it's not like you'll never get a girlfriend ever again. I think you should keep the good memories and move on, which includes removing this person from your contacts, facebook etc...

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When people do that (move onto somebody else very quickly), I think either of two things happened. Firstly, they was with the other person all along or secondly they didn't mean anything they said to you. People have agenda's or play games or say things to boost their own ego's. I suppose the trick is to read the signs.

Triple Bogey said:

9006 said:

I have often wondered how people can do this myself, I've broken up with someone only for them to quickly be in another relationship. Unless it's a 'rebound' thing there's no way that person could possibly have such strong feelings that they said. I find that some people are like this; they seem to switch relationships like they switch channels and can pick and choose their feelings with anyone who turns up at the time. This to me is a pure lack of understanding of attraction and relationships.

Although this person maybe on your mind I think it would be silly to get back with her, it's not like you'll never get a girlfriend ever again. I think you should keep the good memories and move on, which includes removing this person from your contacts, facebook etc...

Click to expand...

When people do that (move onto somebody else very quickly), I think either of two things happened. Firstly, they was with the other person all along or secondly they didn't mean anything they said to you. People have agenda's or play games or say things to boost their own ego's. I suppose the trick is to read the signs.

Click to expand...

There are many more reasons than just those two. The OP said his ex has a rough couple of weeks, perhaps someone was there for her in person and it just happened. Is it right? No, it's not, but LDRs are very hard to maintain and if one or the other person is going through something hard, that makes it even harder to maintain. Not EVERYONE has an agenda, not everyone plays games and not everyone lies. Sometimes, things just happen. I don't think it's fair to classify every person that jumped quickly into another relationship into one or the other of those categories. That's a generalization. As 9006 said, it could very well be a rebound relationship. A rebound relationship doesn't negate or discredit any feelings she may have had for the OP. You will likely never find out the why of it, but making assumptions doesn't help anyone.


To the OP, I'm sorry you had to go through that and it will hurt for a while, but just take it one day at a time and the pain will lessen. Also, welcome back.

I can only say what I have experienced.

Callie, I know you won't like what I'm gonna post, but I will anyway.

It is for everyone: stop dating and getting involved with broken people ! No good will come of it.

It's not their fault ?? Oh, yes it is, and you're not Jesus to forgive everyone. People need to become aware of the consequences of their actions and take responsibility, not to be forgiven by others and accepted as they are, broken because of what they did to themselves.

You know that old saying : "If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck."

So stop being so tolerant and forgiving. You won't fix anyone. You'll just hurt yourself by getting involved with broken people.

AnotherLonelyGuy said:

Callie, I know you won't like what I'm gonna post, but I will anyway.

It is for everyone: stop dating and getting involved with broken people ! No good will come of it.

It's not their fault ?? Oh, yes it is, and you're not Jesus to forgive everyone. People need to become aware of the consequences of their actions and take responsibility, not to be forgiven by others and accepted as they are, broken because of what they did to themselves.

You know that old saying : "If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck."

So stop being so tolerant and forgiving. You won't fix anyone. You'll just hurt yourself by getting involved with broken people.

Click to expand...

Did we read the same response? I didn't see anything about being tolerant and forgiving, I read it as bad stuff happens sometimes and it's not right but there's not a whole lot a person can do about it.

And many of us have been/are broken- does that mean I should avoid getting involved?

AnotherLonelyGuy said:

Callie, I know you won't like what I'm gonna post, but I will anyway.

It is for everyone: stop dating and getting involved with broken people ! No good will come of it.

It's not their fault ?? Oh, yes it is, and you're not Jesus to forgive everyone. People need to become aware of the consequences of their actions and take responsibility, not to be forgiven by others and accepted as they are, broken because of what they did to themselves.

You know that old saying : "If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck."

So stop being so tolerant and forgiving. You won't fix anyone. You'll just hurt yourself by getting involved with broken people.

Click to expand...

Wait wait...I think I'm Jesus now? Well, hot ****, and here I thought I was only perfect. I should erect myself a ******* shrine. :O

Read and analyze something twice before you respond, maybe then you'll get what I say correctly.
Actually, let's just not make any assumptions about what I mean by what I write, because I can assure you, you don't know.

Also, WWC has it right.

ETA: I also meant that you shouldn't make assumptions on WHY something happened, because you can't know. It's likely the OP probably won't ever find out the why of it.

I'm sorry that you're hurting right now. However I know what it's like to have you're heart crushed. I've had it happen to me many times of the past and over the years I've took the time to get to know the person before I jump into relationships cause in the past yes I've jumped into many relationships and ended up being hurt and broken or I found out something about them which didn't feel right to me. Don't worry you'll find another girl again-I know you may not think so right now but trust me you'll find love again. =)

TheRealCallie said:

The OP said his ex has a rough couple of weeks, perhaps someone was there for her in person and it just happened.

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I think you are right. In fact, I am almost certain that you are.

I don't know what to do or think or feel any more. I am gutted.

TheRealCallie said:

AnotherLonelyGuy said:

Callie, I know you won't like what I'm gonna post, but I will anyway.

It is for everyone: stop dating and getting involved with broken people ! No good will come of it.

It's not their fault ?? Oh, yes it is, and you're not Jesus to forgive everyone. People need to become aware of the consequences of their actions and take responsibility, not to be forgiven by others and accepted as they are, broken because of what they did to themselves.

You know that old saying : "If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck."

So stop being so tolerant and forgiving. You won't fix anyone. You'll just hurt yourself by getting involved with broken people.

Click to expand...

Wait wait...I think I'm Jesus now? Well, hot ****, and here I thought I was only perfect. I should erect myself a ******* shrine. :O

Read and analyze something twice before you respond, maybe then you'll get what I say correctly.
Actually, let's just not make any assumptions about what I mean by what I write, because I can assure you, you don't know.

Click to expand...

Well what I took from the ''these things just happen'' sentiment was that you were jumping to her defence. What she did must be understadable in some way and we should not judge. A form of female solidarity here I'm guessing.

People make choices for which they're responsible, including those with personality problems, they aren't exempt. So she goes from planning her life out with this man, to having a ''rough time" nad falling into the arms of another, all within the space of a few weeks. How is that in any way reasonable, excusable behaviour? She has serious emotional issues or she was using him all along. Even though he has dodged one giant friggin explosive shell, this is still likely to have an effect on the OP for a long time to come.

If I were him I'd put some quotes of her professing love for him in a message, sending it to the guy as a warning as well. And I don't really care if that sounds mean or vindictive, it doesn't even approach what's been done to him.

People making wrong choices ask that everyone be forgiven, because one day, or even now, they themselves need forgiveness. And I say NO. Forgiving a broken person means you're inviting pain in your life. And it goes only one way. These people you may find excuses for will never forgive you when you'll fail. So NO! Don't worry, the welfare state will take care of them anyway. As for love, they never knew the meaning of it, they couldn't give you that even if they wanted to.

ardour said:

TheRealCallie said:

AnotherLonelyGuy said:

Callie, I know you won't like what I'm gonna post, but I will anyway.

It is for everyone: stop dating and getting involved with broken people ! No good will come of it.

It's not their fault ?? Oh, yes it is, and you're not Jesus to forgive everyone. People need to become aware of the consequences of their actions and take responsibility, not to be forgiven by others and accepted as they are, broken because of what they did to themselves.

You know that old saying : "If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck."

So stop being so tolerant and forgiving. You won't fix anyone. You'll just hurt yourself by getting involved with broken people.

Click to expand...

Wait wait...I think I'm Jesus now? Well, hot ****, and here I thought I was only perfect. I should erect myself a ******* shrine. :O

Read and analyze something twice before you respond, maybe then you'll get what I say correctly.
Actually, let's just not make any assumptions about what I mean by what I write, because I can assure you, you don't know.

Click to expand...

Well what I took from the ''these things just happen'' sentiment was that you were jumping to her defence. What she did must be understadable in some way and we should not judge. A form of female solidarity here I'm guessing.

People make choices for which they're responsible, including those with personality problems, they aren't exempt. So she goes from planning her life out with this man, to having a ''rough time" nad falling into the arms of another, all within the space of a few weeks. How is that in any way reasonable, excusable behaviour? She has serious emotional issues or she was using him all along. Even though he has dodged one giant friggin explosive shell, this is still likely to have an effect on the OP for a long time to come.

If I were him I'd put some quotes of her professing love for him in a message, sending it to the guy as a warning as well. And I don't really care if that sounds mean or vindictive, it doesn't even approach what's been done to him.

Click to expand...

No, I'm not jumping to her defense at all. I'm jumping to everyone's defense that has had assumptions made about them when they don't know and can't know the situation. You aren't there, you don't know her, and you don't know the OP, so to make assumptions on why she (or anyone for that matter) did something is not your right. Perhaps it makes the OP feel better to get validation about what a horrible person she is, but it's empty validation.
I NEVER said what she did wasn't wrong. As a matter of fact, something similar to the OP has happened to me, so I know how it feels.

AnotherLonelyGuy said:

People making wrong choices ask that everyone be forgiven, because one day, or even now, they themselves need forgiveness. And I say NO. Forgiving a broken person means you're inviting pain in your life. And it goes only one way. These people you may find excuses for will never forgive you when you'll fail. So NO! Don't worry, the welfare state will take care of them anyway. As for love, they never knew the meaning of it, they couldn't give you that even if they wanted to.

Click to expand...

Forgiveness can be interpreted many ways. I don't believe you offer forgiveness to ease the mind of the person that wronged you. I believe you offer forgiveness for YOURSELF. Until you can forgive the wrong that was done to you, it will eat at you and make you bitter and resentful and distrusting. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting.

What exactly do you mean by "welfare state will take care of them"?

TheRealCallie said:

No, I'm not jumping to her defense at all. I'm jumping to everyone's defense that has had assumptions made about them when they don't know and can't know the situation. You aren't there, you don't know her, and you don't know the OP, so to make assumptions on why she (or anyone for that matter) did something is not your right. Perhaps it makes the OP feel better to get validation about what a horrible person she is, but it's empty validation.
I NEVER said what she did wasn't wrong. As a matter of fact, something similar to the OP has happened to me, so I know how it feels.

Forgiveness can be interpreted many ways. I don't believe you offer forgiveness to ease the mind of the person that wronged you. I believe you offer forgiveness for YOURSELF. Until you can forgive the wrong that was done to you, it will eat at you and make you bitter and resentful and distrusting. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting.

What exactly do you mean by "welfare state will take care of them"?

Click to expand...

It's like this: if someone hits or is mean to the people around me or to me, I don't care what reasons that someone has. I'm done a long time ago with taking bullshit based on the fact that first I should understand why a person does what it does. I don't care.
I forgive nothing and no one. Forgiving means to invite a troubled person to harm you. The OP knew this woman has a long list of problems (yes, what she had were problems). He brought this on himself.
Welfare state takes care of troubled persons. We would start an argument which would not be politically correct, I'm not interested in fighting half of the forum and getting suspended again, so let it be.

AnotherLonelyGuy said:

TheRealCallie said:

No, I'm not jumping to her defense at all. I'm jumping to everyone's defense that has had assumptions made about them when they don't know and can't know the situation. You aren't there, you don't know her, and you don't know the OP, so to make assumptions on why she (or anyone for that matter) did something is not your right. Perhaps it makes the OP feel better to get validation about what a horrible person she is, but it's empty validation.
I NEVER said what she did wasn't wrong. As a matter of fact, something similar to the OP has happened to me, so I know how it feels.

Forgiveness can be interpreted many ways. I don't believe you offer forgiveness to ease the mind of the person that wronged you. I believe you offer forgiveness for YOURSELF. Until you can forgive the wrong that was done to you, it will eat at you and make you bitter and resentful and distrusting. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting.

What exactly do you mean by "welfare state will take care of them"?

Click to expand...

It's like this: if someone hits or is mean to the people around me or to me, I don't care what reasons that someone has. I'm done a long time ago with taking bullshit based on the fact that first I should understand why a person does what it does. I don't care.
I forgive nothing and no one. Forgiving means to invite a troubled person to harm you. The OP knew this woman has a long list of problems (yes, what she had were problems). He brought this on himself.
Welfare state takes care of troubled persons. We would start an argument which would not be politically correct, I'm not interested in fighting half of the forum and getting suspended again, so let it be.

Click to expand...

If it is done TO you or AROUND you, then you have more right to judge the situation, but in this particular one, you weren't around and it wasn't done to you.
As for the OP bringing it on himself, yes he did. Just like you bring on everything that happens to you and I bring on everything that happens to me. Life is not a guarantee, you don't get reassurances from the universe. Life is a gamble, if you don't take risks, you get nothing. The OP took a risk, and yes, he got hurt, but he also got a chance at a relationship, a life lesson and whatever else he takes away from the relationship. Yes, it will hurt him for a long while, but that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't have anything good to take away from this.
You do not need to understand why someone did something to forgive them. You simply need to let go of the anger and accept what happened. That doesn't mean inviting trouble. Quite the opposite, actually. To forgive does not mean to trust. To forgive does not mean you need to let them back into your life.

I think, just by mentioning "welfare state," you brought on an argument.

ALG and one or two others are sounding somewhat harsh, but they do have a point. There are loads of 'broken people' out there who do act in ways which constantly invite more problems into their lives. It may not always be their own fault, but if you get involved with them it's risky. I don't know if people's lives have always been this way, but it seems to me that the problem is much worse than it used to be. There seems not stability anywhere. Nobody (or very few people) really mean what they say, or are prepared to take any responsibility for their actions. No loyalty, no putting up with things that are less than perfect because they've given their word on something. No actual care about the effect their actions may have on other people. Just a selfish 'do what I feel like doing regardless of anyone else'
Do you get the feeling that I'm not happy with modern society?