Guys, I need to let this out. What you're about to read is private, though perhaps not anymore. I've never told anyone the full story. Everyone just has snippets of information, but never all of it. No one really knows how bad my day to day life is. I just need to say it knowing someone will read it, and hopefully someone will understand. I apologize if this is long, but it is my life.
My childhood was bad. I was adopted and told later that my parents didn't want me. My adoptive dad was a Vietnam vet who struggles with depression and alcoholism to this day. My adoptive mother was very manipulative, and though she had some comforting moments in my early life, she later became the kind of person I despised. I wasn't a happy kid. I was in a bad home environment and was depressed, although I was never diagnosed with anything seeing as I've never seen a psychologist. In my teens, I had a bad relationship at fifteen and grew inside of myself after that. I loved her, and had relationships after that, but never had that wide-eyed stare again. One thing also worth mentioning is that, because of my dad's veteran status, I had money coming in that was saved for my adult life. I didn't get to touch it until I was eighteen.
At eighteen, I moved out on my own. I had all this money saved up and had no idea how to save anything. I had worked since I was sixteen, but always spent whatever I had quickly. I spent all the money my dad saved within a year of being on my own, I didn't work in my new city, and found myself broke. The economy was worse then than now, so I just worked odd jobs and fast food to pay for rent. Part of my VA benefits entitled me to a free ride in college, though, and I squandered that. I ended up at the point where I was living in a one-bedroom apartment, sitting online all day, and skipping class. I had no friends, and I was lying to my dad and step-mom about how I was living. I grew inside myself so much then. My step-mom and my dad were supportive as long as I didn't depend on them. My dad wasn't as depressed by then and really becoming more laid back. He didn't drink as much either.
Then came four years ago. I had, in broke desperation, written about $500 in bad checks and found there was an arrest warrant. I packed up everything and moved home. Two days later, I wrote a note coming clean about all I'd done and turned myself in at the jail while everyone was in bed. The next day, my dad bailed me out. I filled in the gaps and started a clean slate. I started living with him and my step-mom. For awhile, it was good. My dad is just laid back now, but my step-mom showed me her true colors. She's a very hypocritical religious person, and I knew that before, but after I moved in I saw the personality she had been hiding all along-- she is flat out hateful and a classic control freak. It wasn't anger just at me for any reason, it was anger at everyone and everything. It was very stressful to deal with her and to get her to do my thing, but I was able to work around it for awhile.
Then she broke me down. I became very stressed out all the time, and I couldn't avoid her. But then I just started accepting the situation and failed to see a way out. My spending habits had improved, but I was working a very low-hour job and couldn't sustain myself even if I had moved out. I felt so stuck. I had no real friends outside work, I had given up on girls, and was deeply depressed. Then at the very lowest depths, I found another job that gave me more hours. I was in the process of saving money, and then she backed me in the corner with more of her angry a paranoia and I finally felt I had to leave. Temporarily, or so I thought, I would spend a week in a hotel and spend a week sleeping in my car. It was just a minimum was fast food job, so I couldn't afford to stay longer in a hotel. But living in a hotel is expensive and I had very little money left over after I paid for my week in a hotel. I couldn't save a dime to find an apartment. A couple of weeks turned into nine months, and I'm still doing this.
Half of last winter, which was absolutely brutally cold, I spend freezing in my car every night. How I didn't get hypothermia from the constant snow and terrible freezing winds is beyond me. I was constantly suffering, and I just couldn't find a way out. And now, yesterday, I lost my shitty fast food job and I'm totally broke apart from the check I've got coming next week. My tired of living like this, I'm so physically and mentally tired. I'm homeless and broke and I've been so for close to a year now. I'm afraid of going hungry, I'm afraid of sleeping in my hot car all summer. I'm so depressed and lonely and I have nowhere to go and no one rto talk to. I haven't come clean to anyone because I don't think anyone I know would understand.
I know this is a baffling situation, but I have two nights left before I have to leave this hotel. Is there anything anyone can say to comfort me? Is there anyone I can talk to? I'm not suicidal, I just feel so hopeless. I've being clinging to scraps of hope for so long, and I just feel like I have nothing left to fight with. Please, somebody talk to me. I hope someone understands.
I know there are gaps in the story above, but it would all just lead to a longer story I doubt anyone would read. I doubt anyone will even read what I just wrote. This is just me trying to scrap away the bottom of the well to look for anything.
My childhood was bad. I was adopted and told later that my parents didn't want me. My adoptive dad was a Vietnam vet who struggles with depression and alcoholism to this day. My adoptive mother was very manipulative, and though she had some comforting moments in my early life, she later became the kind of person I despised. I wasn't a happy kid. I was in a bad home environment and was depressed, although I was never diagnosed with anything seeing as I've never seen a psychologist. In my teens, I had a bad relationship at fifteen and grew inside of myself after that. I loved her, and had relationships after that, but never had that wide-eyed stare again. One thing also worth mentioning is that, because of my dad's veteran status, I had money coming in that was saved for my adult life. I didn't get to touch it until I was eighteen.
At eighteen, I moved out on my own. I had all this money saved up and had no idea how to save anything. I had worked since I was sixteen, but always spent whatever I had quickly. I spent all the money my dad saved within a year of being on my own, I didn't work in my new city, and found myself broke. The economy was worse then than now, so I just worked odd jobs and fast food to pay for rent. Part of my VA benefits entitled me to a free ride in college, though, and I squandered that. I ended up at the point where I was living in a one-bedroom apartment, sitting online all day, and skipping class. I had no friends, and I was lying to my dad and step-mom about how I was living. I grew inside myself so much then. My step-mom and my dad were supportive as long as I didn't depend on them. My dad wasn't as depressed by then and really becoming more laid back. He didn't drink as much either.
Then came four years ago. I had, in broke desperation, written about $500 in bad checks and found there was an arrest warrant. I packed up everything and moved home. Two days later, I wrote a note coming clean about all I'd done and turned myself in at the jail while everyone was in bed. The next day, my dad bailed me out. I filled in the gaps and started a clean slate. I started living with him and my step-mom. For awhile, it was good. My dad is just laid back now, but my step-mom showed me her true colors. She's a very hypocritical religious person, and I knew that before, but after I moved in I saw the personality she had been hiding all along-- she is flat out hateful and a classic control freak. It wasn't anger just at me for any reason, it was anger at everyone and everything. It was very stressful to deal with her and to get her to do my thing, but I was able to work around it for awhile.
Then she broke me down. I became very stressed out all the time, and I couldn't avoid her. But then I just started accepting the situation and failed to see a way out. My spending habits had improved, but I was working a very low-hour job and couldn't sustain myself even if I had moved out. I felt so stuck. I had no real friends outside work, I had given up on girls, and was deeply depressed. Then at the very lowest depths, I found another job that gave me more hours. I was in the process of saving money, and then she backed me in the corner with more of her angry a paranoia and I finally felt I had to leave. Temporarily, or so I thought, I would spend a week in a hotel and spend a week sleeping in my car. It was just a minimum was fast food job, so I couldn't afford to stay longer in a hotel. But living in a hotel is expensive and I had very little money left over after I paid for my week in a hotel. I couldn't save a dime to find an apartment. A couple of weeks turned into nine months, and I'm still doing this.
Half of last winter, which was absolutely brutally cold, I spend freezing in my car every night. How I didn't get hypothermia from the constant snow and terrible freezing winds is beyond me. I was constantly suffering, and I just couldn't find a way out. And now, yesterday, I lost my shitty fast food job and I'm totally broke apart from the check I've got coming next week. My tired of living like this, I'm so physically and mentally tired. I'm homeless and broke and I've been so for close to a year now. I'm afraid of going hungry, I'm afraid of sleeping in my hot car all summer. I'm so depressed and lonely and I have nowhere to go and no one rto talk to. I haven't come clean to anyone because I don't think anyone I know would understand.
I know this is a baffling situation, but I have two nights left before I have to leave this hotel. Is there anything anyone can say to comfort me? Is there anyone I can talk to? I'm not suicidal, I just feel so hopeless. I've being clinging to scraps of hope for so long, and I just feel like I have nothing left to fight with. Please, somebody talk to me. I hope someone understands.
I know there are gaps in the story above, but it would all just lead to a longer story I doubt anyone would read. I doubt anyone will even read what I just wrote. This is just me trying to scrap away the bottom of the well to look for anything.
