Why is life so hard?

~~~sorry for all this long passage. i didnt realize how long it would be. also sorry if its hard to comprehend im just trying to say whats on my mind =/ ~~~

Life is just so full of bullshit and its just so hard. I do not even know where to start. I am feeling so lonely and depressed. First a few things about me. I dont know for how long but probably the majority of my life I have never really felt connected with people. I have alot of friends but they arent genuine relationships. I dont know how to explain it but basically if we see each other like on the train or something we would strike up a conversation, have some small talk but it feels really awkward and fake. I have probably only one genuine friend right now and honestly i think its better that I just drift away from her too. Shes a great friend but at this point i think its better if I dont infect her with my aura (ill explain what i mean later on). So yeah im pretty lonely. I try havingg good conversations with people but they just stop talking to me, I guess its cause alot of times I find myself feeling awkward and jsut drifitng off and coming back to myself and just thinking inside my head rather than engaging into it. this is partly due to the fact that i have ADHD. Also I have been hanging out with the wrong groups of friend. i just smoke weed everyday to try to fight off this feeling of sadness and loneliness. Ive thought about suicide multiple times a day for the past few days. Im longing for change but I dont know where to start.

I hate highschool. I'm able to see through everyone's masks.I can see people seeking for attention, making fake friends to get their popularity up. People being taken advantage off, people bullying others for not fitting into the social norms and people trying to expose others for their imperfections and faults such as me. I have this thing where im able to see through people no matter how genuine they are at acting. I guess thisi is judging people but its true what i see in these people because my actions towards them changes when i realize their true nature and i guess they dislike me for it. im impulsive because i kind of have severe ADHD and i cant help myself from saying stupid things. Highschool is just so ******* bs i dont want to go anymore but where would i go? I dont even want to make any friends in my school anymore because i will just get myself tangled up into all this bullshit.

i am a good person at heart. I consider myself a raelly nice person and i want to just be nice to everyone but people see this as weakness. If theres this person that everyone makes fun of, people will take note of that and will act upon it because they are the "cool" ones. I am so sick and tired of this bullshit. I'm condemning these people for being fake when im the hypocrite doing so. I found myself taking advantage of people and just shitting on people that were worse off than me, people that werent lucky enough to come from good income families to dress nice or people who werent born with good looks, etc. I hate myself for doing so but at least now I admit that i was wrong in doing so and im just trying to find myself again.

The thing is that at first glance im the "cool" kids i guess. I've heard from alot of people that told me I am attractive and i still dont believe it. I dress nicely. Girls find me cute but I dont think I want a girlfriend right now since I want to discover myself first.

Lately alot of people have just called me out and basically put me on the spot like calling me a ***** ass nigga and a faggot because i cant be normal in groups. they try to put me down because im insecure and especially when im feeling that way. When they see me get insecure they cant help but find a way to take advantage of that and put me down. For exampel this one time i was talking to someone and i basically said one word to this girl and that was it. I guess normally people would try to continue with that convo but i didnt. This guy then says something along the lines of " he can only say one word and then he cant respond". I started feeling so mad and so much hatred. i just wanted to run away and hide in a corner but then everyone would just use that to hurt me again. I just act like he never said that. then theres this other guy that always calls me his ***** and says things like oh i only said that to fresia with (my name). I emphasized that because im guessing they all make fun of me behind my back since he was speaking of me to the group. And then he called me a faggot or something and i just lost it. I felt disconnect from my body, from the world, and even the people that I thought would maybe replace these old friends that now just try to make fun of me whenever i see them since i sometimes move with my new group of friends to them in order to cop bud of them and these new friends are now starting to do the same to me. Pretty much every friend that i think i have are startign to really let me down. Even this other friend that i shared alot of interets in is trying to get to me and ive decided to part with him too. Another time i remember there being like 20 kids all at the park just chilling and smoking. i was sitting there moving from groups to groups just seeing whats up, having some small talk. Also they already did some honeysuckle that made put me down already. The thing im trying to say is that on that day i couldnt help but notice that no one wnated to talk to me or be near me. they all like moved away from me. I tried really hard for someone to talk to me and they ignored me. I was just asking what he wasbuying and i knew he heard me but he just didnt respond to me. Literally in the end i was sitting there alone when there was 20 people there. and it was an empty bench and they preferred to stand than be near me.I guess people just love fuckign with me then. W/e. fresia them. I guess i could say i have no friends really. I dont mind that. I have always considered myself an introvert and i like being lonely. THe thing is that i dont know where to go now. I cant just drop out of highschool. Maybe i should just end my life. I gave life a real chance and ive just been put down. Ive migrated from 4 social groups and they have just ended the same way for me. I feel like im just an emotinally unstable person that people just suck off their need to be better than someone off of. My relationship at home isnt all that great either. I dont know honeysuckle about my mom or my sister. Its just so much arguing at home. Also ive cried alot lately. Everytime i think about how people just put me down i begin to cry. Everytime i think about all the arguing in my house i cant help but feel sad. Everytime I think about how im actually just a loser i cry. The only thing stopping me from killing myself is me wanting to prove myself to the world. Im going to become rich and then no one can make fun of me. Ive began studying stocks and i might just drop out of highschool and study that. Thats it guys. Thats the story of my life =/.

Also lately ive jsut been trying to find friends by walking around the nearby park of my school but literally everyone there wont accept me. In the end i would rather be in that group that has the least amount of people trying to get to me which is still at one person. And thats all you need for everyone to start hopping onto that train. They arent real friends but i long for this acceptance that I chase it. When i get home to my also shitty homelife i just go to my room and i cant help but feel so depressed and i just sit on my bed feeling lost and longing for change. I find no motivation in anythign and i just want to sleep. I dont know. Life sucks. Maybe i should just be my life on trading for a living and hopefully itll turn out okay. Its a big risk but thats my only option that im thinking of. Please help me =/

thats a dam long post!!!

its a good thing u try to get out,and make friends, that is a hard thing to do,
and i agree with the fake friends,there there but not really there,
they only know where u are when they need something...

tbh i didnt read all of it,just some parts,as big posts scares me

so if i miss anything sorry

best u can do it
be a real friend not the fake one,if u meet them online or offline
(hugs)

if u ever need someone 2 talk,or anything to just pm me

Welcome

Feel sorry for all the bullying you're facing, it's sad to see people unwilling to help but insteand ready push when it hurts the most. You can pm me anytime you want.

To answer the question... Why? Because if it were easy, you wouldn't be able to live. You'd simply exist.

To be honest, High School sucks. I see kids like you everyday. Great kids, but they can't connect with the superficial idiots in the school. They are more mature and see past the stupid insignificant drama.

What are you doing after high school? Because I will tell you from experience college can be your new start. I wasn't popular in high school because I was shy, but when I got to college I made an effort to talk to people at least in my major, and make friends. It was way better!

I'm sorry all of this is happening too you.

Man. First off, I'll say your post makes me glad I'm not in high school anymore, where people act in such cowardly ways. I wouldn't say that I was bullied to that extent. Mostly I was just there, I didn't have a whole lot of close friends. And there was some weirdness. I remember this guy in one of my classes grabbed my balls once, no joke. I was too confused to react. I guess it's just as well that it happened then and not now, cause if someone did something like that to me today, it would be clobberin' time. And I'd probably have gotten suspended.

Anyway. Enough about that. My guess is that you aren't finding the right groups of friends to hang out with because you aren't following your true interests, perhaps? What do you like to do, what are you into? You need a purpose, need a mission. Find people who share your passions. And, this may be just me, but I would cut out the weed if I were you. When the only thing you have in common with people is weed, they tend to not be that great of friends. It never really did me any good, in fact, whenever I was in a bad mood it would only ever make me feel worse. It was just a big timewaster, really. It drained my energy, made me paranoid and sad and just numb, dumbed me down, made me ok with being bored instead of trying to find myself. I'd cut it out if I were you. You might start getting some of your zest for life back, once you give up the reef for good.

I kinda am an african version of u. Listen, I totally am 90% in the same page as u, the difference is because I'm muslim I don't even consider suicide (in Islam if someone suicides he goes straight to hell) but that's not the only reason why. You know what I learned? When it doesn't feel right, go left. Rather walk alone in the right path than with a crowd going to a downfall or whatever. I realised that I love the person I am: not the shitty shy ************ that goes to school and sits alone all by himself but the guy u're reading these words from. English ain't even my native language yet I both write and speak better than half the member of this forum. True story.

What I mean is, be yourself man. If nobody wants to be near u fresia them. U don't need to impress anyone man, as a fellow pothead u should understand that nigga!
fresia everything and everyone that brings u down 'cause in ten years time u will be the only one sitting in a table with a knife at ur throat.
Think about it. Peace. Be good

yeah i think i am going to stop smoking weed and veer off into other passions. thanks everyone for your support