raincloud
Well-known member
I am very ashamed of my life and it has caused me to retreat.
I am poor, which was a problem for years, but when I worked I always had hope that I would one day be successful, or at the very least comfortable. I ended up on social security due to being disabled, and not much can change that now.
I have never been happy, and I've never liked myself. I don't know why I had so much failure in my career, but that's in the past.
I've had constant embarrassment due to physical problems. I have two endocrine disorders that cause big weight fluctuations. That wouldn't be such a big deal, but my weight has caused me several instances of humiliation in my life, so I feel like it's the worst thing in the world. I haven't spoken to my father in 12 years because he would publicly embarrass me because of my weight and he made it pretty clear that he wouldn't like me unless I was super-skinny. The only time he ever said he was proud of me was when I almost starved myself to death.
I also have an autoimmune disorder called alopecia areata incognita, and I've been mostly bald since I was ten years old. My parents wouldn't let me wear wigs or even take me to a doctor, so I had to go to school with bald streaks showing. Everyone laughed and boys would slap my head and call me "baldy."
In 2006, I had a large ovarian tumor, and I had to have an ovary removed due to necrotic tissue and torsion. I've had even more problems since then. Somehow, when my ovary was removed, it triggered some kind of premature menopause and I have debilitating hot flashes and hyperhidrosis. I will be completely incapacitated for days at a time. It's unbearable and it gets worse as I get older. I can stand still in 50 degree weather and sweat through my clothes. It drips off of me in puddles -- no exaggeration. I'm embarrassed to go out or see anyone. Sometimes strangers ask me if I'm okay because I'm drenched and look like I'm about to pass out. Doctors don't take it seriously and they can't find a direct cause, but it started just hours after I had that surgery and I don't think that's a coincidence.
I'm perfectly capable of making friends, I just am so embarrassed I can't even stand it.
I suppose this is just venting. I'm a freak and I don't imagine too many people can relate.
I am poor, which was a problem for years, but when I worked I always had hope that I would one day be successful, or at the very least comfortable. I ended up on social security due to being disabled, and not much can change that now.
I have never been happy, and I've never liked myself. I don't know why I had so much failure in my career, but that's in the past.
I've had constant embarrassment due to physical problems. I have two endocrine disorders that cause big weight fluctuations. That wouldn't be such a big deal, but my weight has caused me several instances of humiliation in my life, so I feel like it's the worst thing in the world. I haven't spoken to my father in 12 years because he would publicly embarrass me because of my weight and he made it pretty clear that he wouldn't like me unless I was super-skinny. The only time he ever said he was proud of me was when I almost starved myself to death.
I also have an autoimmune disorder called alopecia areata incognita, and I've been mostly bald since I was ten years old. My parents wouldn't let me wear wigs or even take me to a doctor, so I had to go to school with bald streaks showing. Everyone laughed and boys would slap my head and call me "baldy."
In 2006, I had a large ovarian tumor, and I had to have an ovary removed due to necrotic tissue and torsion. I've had even more problems since then. Somehow, when my ovary was removed, it triggered some kind of premature menopause and I have debilitating hot flashes and hyperhidrosis. I will be completely incapacitated for days at a time. It's unbearable and it gets worse as I get older. I can stand still in 50 degree weather and sweat through my clothes. It drips off of me in puddles -- no exaggeration. I'm embarrassed to go out or see anyone. Sometimes strangers ask me if I'm okay because I'm drenched and look like I'm about to pass out. Doctors don't take it seriously and they can't find a direct cause, but it started just hours after I had that surgery and I don't think that's a coincidence.
I'm perfectly capable of making friends, I just am so embarrassed I can't even stand it.
I suppose this is just venting. I'm a freak and I don't imagine too many people can relate.