My loneliness is largely self-inflicted

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raincloud

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I am very ashamed of my life and it has caused me to retreat.
I am poor, which was a problem for years, but when I worked I always had hope that I would one day be successful, or at the very least comfortable. I ended up on social security due to being disabled, and not much can change that now.

I have never been happy, and I've never liked myself. I don't know why I had so much failure in my career, but that's in the past.

I've had constant embarrassment due to physical problems. I have two endocrine disorders that cause big weight fluctuations. That wouldn't be such a big deal, but my weight has caused me several instances of humiliation in my life, so I feel like it's the worst thing in the world. I haven't spoken to my father in 12 years because he would publicly embarrass me because of my weight and he made it pretty clear that he wouldn't like me unless I was super-skinny. The only time he ever said he was proud of me was when I almost starved myself to death.

I also have an autoimmune disorder called alopecia areata incognita, and I've been mostly bald since I was ten years old. My parents wouldn't let me wear wigs or even take me to a doctor, so I had to go to school with bald streaks showing. Everyone laughed and boys would slap my head and call me "baldy."

In 2006, I had a large ovarian tumor, and I had to have an ovary removed due to necrotic tissue and torsion. I've had even more problems since then. Somehow, when my ovary was removed, it triggered some kind of premature menopause and I have debilitating hot flashes and hyperhidrosis. I will be completely incapacitated for days at a time. It's unbearable and it gets worse as I get older. I can stand still in 50 degree weather and sweat through my clothes. It drips off of me in puddles -- no exaggeration. I'm embarrassed to go out or see anyone. Sometimes strangers ask me if I'm okay because I'm drenched and look like I'm about to pass out. Doctors don't take it seriously and they can't find a direct cause, but it started just hours after I had that surgery and I don't think that's a coincidence.

I'm perfectly capable of making friends, I just am so embarrassed I can't even stand it.

I suppose this is just venting. I'm a freak and I don't imagine too many people can relate.
 
How is this in any way self-inflicted? Really how many of us here would be so happy and cheerful and confident after going through what you've been through? honeysuckle, I'm ashamed of my life, I've retreated, I've been depressed for as long as I can remember and am embarrassed to be in public, but I don't have fancy Latin labels to pinpoint the cause of it all. My point is that you have very valid reasons for feeling the way you do, reasons which are completely out of your control, so you mustn't blame yourself and say it's self-inflicted. I don't even know you but it's upsetting to see someone blame themselves and feel like this.

Kids can be such shitbags. They have no idea how damaging their actions to each other can be. How could they? We have a conscience at that age but we are just too stupid to realise how the future will be for those we mock, and for ourselves for mocking them. I was never a nasty kid really but I don't forget the shitty things I once said or did to people many years ago.
 
I suppose that is true. Unfortunately, the same issues plague me to this day. I never leave the house without a wig, and I live in constant fear of someone touching my head or the wind blowing it off. For reasons I don't understand, I have explained this to people I know and they always forget. Women who KNOW my situation will ask me about hair products or whatever and it is absolutely appalling.

I am mostly traumatized by incidents with adults. There was one incident where I was attacked as a child (by two other children). One of the boys had a knife and he cut up my jacket. This happened in front of several other children and none of them would back me up and the boys involved never got in any trouble. I was covered in bruises and my jacket was slashed, but they said they had no proof even though this happened in front of several children.

I had an incident in a restaurant when I had a piece of chocolate cake for dessert and a man I'd never seen before in my life called me ugly and told me that no boy would ever want to look at me. It might not have bothered me if he weren't completely right. I guess it's fortunate that I don't care.

On the rare occasion that men ARE attracted to me, I'm absolutely repulsed and I do what I can to let them know that I am ugly UGLY and they should just leave me alone.
 
Dear god ***hugs** some people are just slime. Believe me, it isn't you. I was never that horrible looking though I struggle with my weight on and off (greed not medical problems). But there are certain types of people (I have come across this is in younger men more than in women, I'm afraid).. who find it funny to call women ugly, lesbian, fat, throw drinks out of truck windows,etc etc

And I know that some of the men on ALL have had this kind of honeysuckle directed at them by similar aresholes.

All this goes to prove is that immature obnoxious f*ckwits are a feature of every age and every country. No doubt they had them in the stone age, where the tribe probably sent them out to wrestle bears in the forest.... Sadly not an option these days, instead they get a motor vehicle and beer.

It does not mean its you. Its them. You know its them deep down, I am sure of it. Do not let the bastards grind you down. Not ever..😺
 
Seems like your circumstances were well and truly beyond your control.

I can see how kids can be cruel and ignorant but adults are another matter. Perhaps it's better not to say it, but your father in particular sounds like a waste of space.
 
I do believe loneliness is largely self-inflicted, but only because lonely people are wired differently-- that is to say, the egg came before the chicken. But sometimes our environment rewires us. Sometimes circumstances beyond our control force us to withdraw, and I believe this is the case with you. I know the thirst you feel, and am truly sorry you have to feel it.

I have no advice other than to try to think outside the box. Evolution of your mind can be a powerful thing, and sometimes the mere complexity of it can draw others in.
 

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