Feeling Guilty For Being Judgmental

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Case

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This is where I out myself for being a jerk. (You may or may not disagree with my take on this experience.)

I was sitting in my parked car today looking for an address on my phone when I looked up and saw a very beautiful woman standing outside her car. She was smartly dressed in a black suit, probably killing time before a job interview or a business meeting, and she was also checking her phone. The sight of her made me sigh with that feeling of longing one has whenever we admire something (or someone) beautiful.

Then, her other hand, which had been obscured from my view, appeared with a lit cigarette. She lifted her hand to her mouth and took a drag from the tobacco stick, and smoke trailed away from her with the exhale in a hazy fog behind her.

My sudden reaction? Disappointment. I went from finding her attractive to thinking she was less attractive in the span of a few seconds.

That's when the guilt hit me like a thunderous tsunami wave. I asked myself, why was I judging her based on a personal life choice? Why the sudden shoulder-sag of disappointment upon seeing a cigarette in her hand?

I wondered why I was feeling guilty, and I think I figured it out. I felt bad that I was judging her character based on a health choice I would not make myself. My first instinct seeing this woman was that I found her physically appealing. I did not know her, so I was basing this attractiveness on one thing: superficial looks. Then, when I saw the cigarette, the disappointment hit me because I don't date smokers. It's not that I ever had a chance to date this woman, but in my head, if I had a moment's thought to approach her, the smoking ended all possibility of that happening. The guilt came from the fact that I have friends who are smokers, and that disappointment made me feel that I had a deep-seated disappointment in my smoker-friends, which is not true. While I think it would be better that my smoker-friends chose a healthier lifestyle, I know that it is none of my business.

I also have a fundamental respect for my fellow humans. I am one of the least cynical people you will ever meet because I feel that people are basically good-hearted. The ones who do bad things are much more rare than one would expect, at least, based on my personal experience. So, when I judged this stranger for smoking, I felt like kicking myself because I felt like I was dismissing a woman simply for having a habit. It'd be if a woman judged me for ordering a hamburger at a restaurant because she disapproves of meat-eaters. She might have been brilliant. She might have known how to play the cello, or she might have written a book, composed a sonnet, had kids, built a business, or done any number of cool, interesting things. And I just dismissed her.

It makes me feel like a jerk.
 
Case said:
This is where I out myself for being a jerk. (You may or may not disagree with my take on this experience.)

I was sitting in my parked car today looking for an address on my phone when I looked up and saw a very beautiful woman standing outside her car. She was smartly dressed in a black suit, probably killing time before a job interview or a business meeting, and she was also checking her phone. The sight of her made me sigh with that feeling of longing one has whenever we admire something (or someone) beautiful.

Then, her other hand, which had been obscured from my view, appeared with a lit cigarette. She lifted her hand to her mouth and took a drag from the tobacco stick, and smoke trailed away from her with the exhale in a hazy fog behind her.

My sudden reaction? Disappointment. I went from finding her attractive to thinking she was less attractive in the span of a few seconds.

That's when the guilt hit me like a thunderous tsunami wave. I asked myself, why was I judging her based on a personal life choice? Why the sudden shoulder-sag of disappointment upon seeing a cigarette in her hand?

I wondered why I was feeling guilty, and I think I figured it out. I felt bad that I was judging her character based on a health choice I would not make myself. My first instinct seeing this woman was that I found her physically appealing. I did not know her, so I was basing this attractiveness on one thing: superficial looks. Then, when I saw the cigarette, the disappointment hit me because I don't date smokers. It's not that I ever had a chance to date this woman, but in my head, if I had a moment's thought to approach her, the smoking ended all possibility of that happening. The guilt came from the fact that I have friends who are smokers, and that disappointment made me feel that I had a deep-seated disappointment in my smoker-friends, which is not true. While I think it would be better that my smoker-friends chose a healthier lifestyle, I know that it is none of my business.

I also have a fundamental respect for my fellow humans. I am one of the least cynical people you will ever meet because I feel that people are basically good-hearted. The ones who do bad things are much more rare than one would expect, at least, based on my personal experience. So, when I judged this stranger for smoking, I felt like kicking myself because I felt like I was dismissing a woman simply for having a habit. It'd be if a woman judged me for ordering a hamburger at a restaurant because she disapproves of meat-eaters. She might have been brilliant. She might have known how to play the cello, or she might have written a book, composed a sonnet, had kids, built a business, or done any number of cool, interesting things. And I just dismissed her.

It makes me feel like a jerk.

You were not judging, you simply saw the truth.
That is not judging.
Don't feel guilty for being shown the truth. She was beautiful on the outside, but, smoking is not healthy for one thing, and it shows a lack of faith in herself, but, it takes a cigarette to give her false faith.
 
reloadlife23 said:
You were not judging, you simply saw the truth.
That is not judging.
Don't feel guilty for being shown the truth. She was beautiful on the outside, but, smoking is not healthy for one thing, and it shows a lack of faith in herself, but, it takes a cigarette to give her false faith.

I believe I was absolutely judging her based on the truth of her smoking. (I'm using the definition of "judge" that reads "One who makes estimates as to worth, quality, or fitness.") I was down-grading her status in my mind based solely on an unhealthy practice without knowing anything else about her. I made a split-second evaluation of her and came to a conclusion that I believe a non-judgmental person would not make. Hence the feelings of guilt.
 
There's no need to feel guilty. Of course it's everybody's own business what he or she does with her life and we shouldn't judge anybody for it. But you shouldn't forget that everybody has standards as well - and so do you. You're allowed to. And that's fair and square as long as you don't shove your standards into other people's faces in an offensive way. Smoking is a choice - and you don't have to like it. You don't even have to tolerate if it's your conviction.

You don't know this person's motivation, that's true. But isn't that how it usually is in life? You can't look into everybody's heads or question everyone on the spot about his or her motivations for a certain trait: looks, clothing, accessoires...or their vices. You might as well blame yourself that you gave her attention in the first place simply because she was well-dressed and attractive. That's superficial too. Maybe she had a horrible personality. You'll never know. But that's just how it is sometimes. Sometimes we judge and assume in a split-second...we just don't have full control over our thoughts. But you shouldn't give yourself a hard time about it. No one of us is a saint.
 
Rodent's reply is a good one. There is no reason to feel guilty about judging other people, it's something we all do. "Judge not, lest ye be judged" is one of the most pointless sentences ever written. You've already been judged by others & you are being judged every time you interact with other people, whether you are aware of it or not. You have to make judgment calls about others' integrity or lack thereof, their abilities, etc. if you want to get things done & make it through life.

At the same time, it is important to remember that judgments you make about other people are always provisional. The woman you saw smoking, you only saw for a few minutes, if that. You can only know so much about a person based on what you see, hear, & sometimes smell.
 
I can be kind of judgmental, too. I simply don't like the conversational style of some people who approach me because it suggests they're not being honest or have unpleasant motives, and because of how often it's been correct I usually go along with it. I can also predict if someone is going to confess a crush or ask me out 4/5 times with the same sense.

We have a right to discretion in our personal lives, but should pick and choose for what reasons we count someone out. For its own sake it just reminds me of literary snobs who look down on genre fiction because they need something to be better than.
 
do not feel guilty the whole world is judge mental

even jobs are judge mental as hell..... think about some jobs make you do because of they judgement
 
daddymack said:
do not feel guilty the whole world is judge mental

even jobs are judge mental as hell..... think about some jobs make you do because of they judgement

Employers need to judge applicants for their quality. I'm talking about a person (me) dismissing someone based on one criteria, which I believe to be wrong.

But you may judge all you like.
 
I don't think you were being judgmental at all, you simply didn't like what you saw. Personally I find a lot of this PC nonsense about accepting anything and everything and tolerating it to be a load of crap anyway.

Nothing wrong with being discerning and knowing what you like and don't like, nothing wrong with that at all, I am turned off by smokers as well, so what, we all have a right to like and not like whatever it is we want.

Don't be hard on yourself about that.
 
Not that it mattered if you did judge her negatively on her decision to smoke... But, my question is why did you care if she smoked? Do you just not like smoking in general? I don't like it. Don't do it myself. But I don't care if others do it, especially if it doesn't affect me.
 
VanillaCreme said:
Not that it mattered if you did judge her negatively on her decision to smoke... But, my question is why did you care if she smoked? Do you just not like smoking in general? I don't like it. Don't do it myself. But I don't care if others do it, especially if it doesn't affect me.

Smoking implies a lack of self-respect (I'm guessing)
 
ardour said:
VanillaCreme said:
Not that it mattered if you did judge her negatively on her decision to smoke... But, my question is why did you care if she smoked? Do you just not like smoking in general? I don't like it. Don't do it myself. But I don't care if others do it, especially if it doesn't affect me.

Smoking implies a lack of self-respect (I'm guessing)

But only if they do it in your face, of course. If they have the courteousy to get up and go somewhere to do it, or excuse themselves, I don't really have a problem with it. Some people can be really rude with it though.
 

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