When people aren't quite satisfied with success

Idle thoughts, mostly.

I've been talking to a friend I made on a separate forum, and he's hinted at some pretty interesting stuff. He's an introvert who used to be very socially awkward when he was younger, but started working in retail and forcing himself to learn how to talk and work with people. Now he's in management and has a busy social life, with big birthday parties and trips to gaming tournaments with friends.

At the same time, he's mentioned fearing a lack of support, not having quite the kind of connections he wants, or not being good enough for it. Disillusioned with the way friendships work in the adult world versus the childhood imagination, he strikes me as someone who's still trying to surround himself with a different type of person. So, genuine connection and security is something that the socially successful can struggle with, too.

What I'm wondering is, might this be more of a character trait than a state of being? Something at the core instead of a number of friends, a love life, or a busy schedule? I've always associated these things with either not knowing how to talk to people or not having any people around (or the right kind).

We're always searching for the right people. The problem is they just don't really exist. You can get very close to finding the kind of people you want to be around but they will have their own issues to deal with and more problems for you. Friendships in the adult world seem to be 'using' people to get the right connections and going to as many social events as possible expanding your acquaintances and keeping the right people close by. I wonder if your friend doesn't make much of a connection with the other more extroverted crowd as he himself has introverted qualities?

Wanderer145 said:

We're always searching for the right people. The problem is they just don't really exist. You can get very close to finding the kind of people you want to be around but they will have their own issues to deal with and more problems for you. Friendships in the adult world seem to be 'using' people to get the right connections and going to as many social events as possible expanding your acquaintances and keeping the right people close by. I wonder if your friend doesn't make much of a connection with the other more extroverted crowd as he himself has introverted qualities?

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In particular he's disappointed at how shallow and temporary friendships are in the adult world after watching sitcoms and movies in childhood. Always a good recipe for having a rough wake up call down the line. Being the ambitious type, he's unsatisfied with less and might very well be searching for something that doesn't exist.

I agree that it's disappointing, but I don't really hold out for anything more. Many people are either fair-weather or latch on as if you were soul mates at "hello". He's the first friend I've made in some time who's actually cared about me and the connection we can share rather than what I can provide short-term (attention, assistance, comfort). I don't begrudge people who just want someone to talk to even if it's for a little while or to feel better, but I'm also wishing for more.

Things were simpler when I was little and we didn't have as many ulterior motives for approaching someone, or maybe I just don't remember well. I never had any candy or rare trading cards for others to want, anyway.

I'm also realizing that true friends are something of a rarity. It probably depends on your personality, whether you are naturally open or closed; for me, it depends on my mood. Looking back, I met my closest friends when I was in high spirits.

On the flip side, two years ago, I moved across the country to attend grad school. Since then, with rare exceptions, most of the 'friends' I've made in this area have been more like acquaintances, and/or those friendships that eventually fizzle out on their own due to lack of commonalities/interest. That's the risk you take when trying to make new friends: most will be polite, but many probably won't make a huge effort to get to know you if they don't like what you have to offer. This especially sucks when they seem like people you could get along with (at least from the outside looking in), but it is what it is. I'm probably guilty to doing the same thing to others at times, so my guess is that it's probably more situation/mood-dependent rather than personality-dependent.

@Tealeaf I think your friend is just searching for close friendships. Even then, friendships go through periods of closeness and withdrawal, so it's healthy to have a supportive group instead of one or two individuals. So, I'd go with him not having the right kind of friends. If one of his casual friends is there for him at a rough time in his life, then he will know he has an actual friend. It takes work getting there and some people are just not up for the job.