Is loneliness a choice?

Alonewith2cats · Jul 9, 2014

I've seen some articles on the internet that say loneliness is a choice. Is this true? Because when I come home from work in the evenings I don't really feel I have a choice not to feel lonely. I want to banish this feeling forever. It's painful. And I have an unhealthy relationship with my computer. I'm addicted to the internet and I only sleep an average of 4 hours per night on the nights in which I have to go to work the next day and the accumulation of not enough sleep is exhausting. Living alone is difficult to do long term, when I say long term I mean years waking up to silence and coming home to silence, wishing I could touch another human being, like hug someone and having to accept that this is unavailable to me and depending on distractions like noise from radio, TV and internet to drown the silence and keep from going crazy although I think it's already happening to me. A roommate is not an option for me. I do not want a roommate. There has to be another solution. Prior to living alone my now ex-boyfriend was living with me. This relationship lasted almost 12 years so it is definitely a dramatic difference for me, we broke up in August of 2011, it was my decision. It was the right decision but it's been almost 3 years of living alone and I'm still having difficulty and battling the evil monster of loneliness. I'm depressed and sleep deprived. It's always evenings Mondays through Thursdays after work when I feel the worst and I cry a lot. I have fears about this condition not changing especially as I get older. But it has to or it might just slowly kill me. I don't want it to.

Really, I don't want a roommate because believe me it would never work, I cannot give up my personal freedom and control of my living space. I am definitely trying to have more of a social life and I do sometimes have girl friends over at my house and spend the night on weekends. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is how to cope with living alone so it's not so depressing, so it doesn't feel like solitary confinement. I know it's not really compared to prison (I wouldn't know) but it feels like it at specific times of the day and night, especially Monday through Thursday, those are the worst days of the week.

It's not as bad during the weekends. Probably because I leave my home more, get out and do more things and occasionally get together with friends.

jjessea · Jul 9, 2014

I feel for ya

, and I hope you find someone, I really do. You seem like such a caring, thoughtful and intelligent person.

I'm incredibly lonely too, but I do think that loneliness is a choice, a daily, moment by moment choice. Not a choice that is made consciously, like one where you wake up in the morning saying to yourself "today I'm gonna be lonely", but one you make with your habits. Specifically your social habits. For me, habitually, I don't interact with people, I don't go places where people are, I keep everyone at a distance. My habits are lonely habits; hiking alone, eating alone, working out alone, reading too much, spending too much time on the computer, never talking to anyone, etc.

You build your life one step at a time, and if you build one that's isolated, you're going to be lonely. I think, for me, and lots of people like me, it's hard to choose to be around people. They're individually complicated, the social structures are complicated, and it is just exhausting, utterly exhausting.

Jazzbird · Jul 9, 2014

It is - if you don't have some form of mental ilness or anxiety disorder.These people don't get to choose much.It's way harder for them to maintain an active social life.

I believe if you don't have any special "condition" you can put an end to your loneliness.You have to believe and really work hard until it works and if it does, it's totally worth it.We have to make mistakes and we have to fail if we want to learn and improve ourselves.

You can certainly change your lifestyle/your habits.Things like TV and internet don't require you to go out and meet people.

I totally agree with jessea - but it certainly isn't impossible to change.

ardour · Jul 9, 2014

Jazzbird said:
It is - if you don't have some form of mental ilness or anxiety disorder..

Great so label the lonely as either lazy or suffering a mental condition. That helps.

Not sure if you've noticed, perhaps you haven't been here long enough, or haven't visited other forums... but there are plenty of stories from those who have done what they can but still find themselves single. The topics complaining about the online dating situation suggests finding somebody through other channels - extended social groups, clubs, work etc. isn't an option for many. There's no 1950s "bowling night" culture where friends and coworkers get together any more. People aren't particularly compassionate towards those lacking friends or admitting how isolated they are. Go to a bar on your own on a Friday and try to strike up conversation with some strangers, you'll probably be laughed at.

Peaches · Jul 9, 2014

Alonewith2cats said:
I've seen some articles on the internet that say loneliness is a choice. Is this true? Because when I come home from work in the evenings I don't really feel I have a choice not to feel lonely. I want to banish this feeling forever. It's painful. And I have an unhealthy relationship with my computer. I'm addicted to the internet and I only sleep an average of 4 hours per night on the nights in which I have to go to work the next day and the accumulation of not enough sleep is exhausting. Living alone is difficult to do long term, when I say long term I mean years waking up to silence and coming home to silence, wishing I could touch another human being, like hug someone and having to accept that this is unavailable to me and depending on distractions like noise from radio, TV and internet to drown the silence and keep from going crazy although I think it's already happening to me. A roommate is not an option for me. I do not want a roommate. There has to be another solution. Prior to living alone my now ex-boyfriend was living with me. This relationship lasted almost 12 years so it is definitely a dramatic difference for me, we broke up in August of 2011, it was my decision. It was the right decision but it's been almost 3 years of living alone and I'm still having difficulty and battling the evil monster of loneliness. I'm depressed and sleep deprived. It's always evenings Mondays through Thursdays after work when I feel the worst and I cry a lot. I have fears about this condition not changing especially as I get older. But it has to or it might just slowly kill me. I don't want it to.

Really, I don't want a roommate because believe me it would never work, I cannot give up my personal freedom and control of my living space. I am definitely trying to have more of a social life and I do sometimes have girl friends over at my house and spend the night on weekends. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is how to cope with living alone so it's not so depressing, so it doesn't feel like solitary confinement. I know it's not really compared to prison (I wouldn't know) but it feels like it at specific times of the day and night, especially Monday through Thursday, those are the worst days of the week.

It's not as bad during the weekends. Probably because I leave my home more, get out and do more things and occasionally get together with friends.

Hey Alonewith2cats, a big hug (((((( ))))))))

I could have written your post easily, it would have made me cry if it wasn't that I was crying already, for that same reason.

I think loneliness is definitely not a choice, although some collateral elements can be seen as choices.
Choose to work less, or change one's job with another more in contact with people; choose to meet new people, choose to live with other people (who may not necessarily become friends, that is another problem), choose to be more accepting of others, choose to spend time in social places and activities, these are sometimes choices in the end, although sometimes one has to work full time for living or for example they may have a social phobia or disability and can't be around people etc.

The part where there is no choice is if someone will like us and will want to spend time with us, that is the bummer part.

I hope so much that something good comes your way, you are already very lucky to have these girlfriends on weekends, think of the many people who don't even have that.

Bebeskii · Jul 9, 2014

Alonewith2cats said:
I've seen some articles on the internet that say loneliness is a choice. Is this true? Because when I come home from work in the evenings I don't really feel I have a choice not to feel lonely. I want to banish this feeling forever. It's painful. And I have an unhealthy relationship with my computer. I'm addicted to the internet and I only sleep an average of 4 hours per night on the nights in which I have to go to work the next day and the accumulation of not enough sleep is exhausting. Living alone is difficult to do long term, when I say long term I mean years waking up to silence and coming home to silence, wishing I could touch another human being, like hug someone and having to accept that this is unavailable to me and depending on distractions like noise from radio, TV and internet to drown the silence and keep from going crazy although I think it's already happening to me. A roommate is not an option for me. I do not want a roommate. There has to be another solution. Prior to living alone my now ex-boyfriend was living with me. This relationship lasted almost 12 years so it is definitely a dramatic difference for me, we broke up in August of 2011, it was my decision. It was the right decision but it's been almost 3 years of living alone and I'm still having difficulty and battling the evil monster of loneliness. I'm depressed and sleep deprived. It's always evenings Mondays through Thursdays after work when I feel the worst and I cry a lot. I have fears about this condition not changing especially as I get older. But it has to or it might just slowly kill me. I don't want it to.

Really, I don't want a roommate because believe me it would never work, I cannot give up my personal freedom and control of my living space. I am definitely trying to have more of a social life and I do sometimes have girl friends over at my house and spend the night on weekends. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is how to cope with living alone so it's not so depressing, so it doesn't feel like solitary confinement. I know it's not really compared to prison (I wouldn't know) but it feels like it at specific times of the day and night, especially Monday through Thursday, those are the worst days of the week.

It's not as bad during the weekends. Probably because I leave my home more, get out and do more things and occasionally get together with friends.

Loneliness is not a choice. Many people has said that to me but it is not. Why would people want to be lonely. Loneliness is an evil monster. No bits of want to befriend that monster. Being solitude is a choice but not loneliness. I feel for you. Loneliness is devastating. I recommend you to hang out with your female friends more often. Women share emotional feelings and take care of each other much better than men. You can make the nature as your friend. You can go out and enjoy that.

Tiina63 · Jul 9, 2014

Although there may be a small minority of people who do not try to help themselves to climb out of their loneliness for whatever reason (maybe after years of trying and failing they are too demoralised, unhappy and exhausted to try any more and I don't blame them for this at all as loneliness can be so wearying and the constant rejcetions be soul destroying)for most of us loneliness is not a choice. I have read on here about people who have tried so hard for a long time and who are still trying hard to change their lives and to move out of loneliness by getting out and meeting people in various settings.
But, as Ardour has pointed out, some people don't have access to social groups and for those of us who do, admitting to our loneliness at these sort of settings may well not be met with much compassion. I go to some groups and get on OK with some of the people, but I know that, if I were to move away or stop going for another reason, they would soon forget me. 'Group friends' are not the same as real friends and crossing from one stage to the other happens only rarely. Even when someone far more popular than me leaves, after a short while noone mentions them any more. Most contact in groups is on a smalltalk level, with opening up about important matters a rarity.
As for meeting someone for a serious relationship at a group, this is even harder than looking for a friend.
It annoys me when married people tell singles that they are not doing enough to find someone when in reality many singles, me included, have tried/are still trying online dating/speed dating/ praying for the right person to come/going out/newspaper dating ads etc. People tend to assume that single people have chosen to be single and this hurts when the reality is the opposite, that we have always wished to be settled with someone.
OP-could you and your friends go out to different places when they come over at the weekend? This might be easier for you than going somewhre new on your own. Or could you enrol at an evening class one evening so that you wouldnt have to spend 4 straight evenings a week on your own at home?
I admire you for trying to build up a social life as it takes a lot of effort to do.

Jazzbird · Jul 9, 2014

ardour said:
Jazzbird said:

It is - if you don't have some form of mental ilness or anxiety disorder..

Click to expand...

Great so label the lonely as either lazy or suffering a mental condition. That helps.

Not sure if you've noticed, perhaps you haven't been here long enough, or haven't visited other forums... but there are plenty of stories from those who have done what they can but still find themselves single. The topics complaining about the online dating situation suggests finding somebody through other channels - extended social groups, clubs, work etc. isn't an option for many. There's no 1950s "bowling night" culture where friends and coworkers get together any more. People aren't particularly compassionate towards those lacking friends or admitting how isolated they are. Go to a bar on your own on a Friday and try to strike up conversation with some strangers, you'll probably be laughed at.

I see you have a tendency to misunderstand me.I'm not labeling anyone.I have social anxiety and I don't get to choose.Go to a bar and strike up a conversation? I can't even get out of the house unless it's an emergency and I absolutely have to.

I'm just trying to shine some light here from a different perspective.I'm not doing great either.But I don't think it's impossible to change.

I said change is HARDER for people who suffer from mental conditions and/or disorders.

I never said lonely people are lazy or lonely people are sick in the head.I suggest you read more carefully and try to be more understanding instead of mean.You post without thinking and you've hurt me - even if you didn't intend to.

With that being said, there never was a "Friday night" type of thing here in Turkey.Most people here don't go out at night and we don't have the same culture as you - partying, clubbing and going to bars etc. is not something many people want here.People in bars and clubs are generally in huge groups.

It all depends on whether you see the glass as half-full or half-empty.

There are also plenty of success stories on the internet.I'm doing what I can, too - but it doesn't work - that doesn't mean it will never work and I'll be lonely for the rest of my life.

If I wanted to label/make fun of someone, lonely people would not be my target.I've certainly been lonely ever since I was born and I spent my best years sitting at home watching others live the life I wanted to live from the window.

Ymir · Jul 9, 2014

I think it depends on the person. Some circumstances are really shitty and changing your behavior will only go so far, unfortunately. To others, all it takes is a change of outlook and behavior. IMO, regardless of the situation, making the right choices will make things better, to different degrees.

Lowlander · Jul 9, 2014

Loneliness can be a choice, yes. Another question could be: When is loneliness a choice? Loneliness is a choice if you feel delight in loneliness, you pursue solitude and do everything to be lonely, by choice. It doesn't have to be a choice though, sometimes that is just how your life goes, whether you like it or not, whether you can do something about it or not. I am quite lonely myself and I am kinda in the middle .. I would like to have a more social life, but I am socially awkward and quite some times, anxiety gets the better of me. On the other hand, I sometimes do not mind being lonely, it gives me more time to think and I needn't concern myself with other people's issues/crap. There's positive as well as negative things to loneliness/being lonely, however it is all up to the person him/herself most of the time.

Wanderer145 · Jul 9, 2014

If it were as simple as a choice we could choose not to be lonely. However that means a character switch and steeling yourself against all the difficulty and pain loneliness brings. I must admit though, partially it is my choice. I pushed people away because I was used for one thing or another and one day I thought fresia this. I'd rather live a life on my own than be used by people and made a joke out of. I'd rather fight against that than submit to being walked over for the rest of my life.

For a lot of people its not so much choice especially when it comes to relationships. A lot of us don't have the avenues normal people have such as friends of friends who can help you meet someone else. Our social circles aren't enormous and some people here have difficulty interacting with people due to so many different factors.

I wish I could change my choice of being lonely into finding the right people. I may have caused pain for myself but undeniably I think its the right way to go to get the right kind of life I'm looking for.

raincloud · Jul 9, 2014

Hmm, this made me think. I'm admittedly a hermit. I rarely leave and it's difficult to get myself out to interact with people. In many ways, for me it IS a choice, however, several things have happened in my life that were NOT my choice, and those things have all led me to this place.

I have friends, or...at least I'm capable of having friends, but I don't want to talk to them right now.

I am in a bad place in my life and it's difficult. I'm disabled, and while I am capable of getting out and dealing with people, it's too painful and overwhelming at this point. I'm not even "lonely" to be honest as much as I'm socially isolated. I have been where you are and I definitely relate, Alonewith2cats, but right now I just find being socially isolated an "easier" place to be.

Omnipotent Soul · Jul 9, 2014

jjessea said:
I feel for ya , and I hope you find someone, I really do. You seem like such a caring, thoughtful and intelligent person.

I'm incredibly lonely too, but I do think that loneliness is a choice, a daily, moment by moment choice. Not a choice that is made consciously, like one where you wake up in the morning saying to yourself "today I'm gonna be lonely", but one you make with your habits. Specifically your social habits. For me, habitually, I don't interact with people, I don't go places where people are, I keep everyone at a distance. My habits are lonely habits; hiking alone, eating alone, working out alone, reading too much, spending too much time on the computer, never talking to anyone, etc.

You build your life one step at a time, and if you build one that's isolated, you're going to be lonely. I think, for me, and lots of people like me, it's hard to choose to be around people. They're individually complicated, the social structures are complicated, and it is just exhausting, utterly exhausting.

Well said. It's the same as me. I never talk to people because I always got ignored or told to shut up. So I'm just not really social anymore.

Alonewith2cats · Jul 9, 2014

Tiina63 said:
Although there may be a small minority of people who do not try to help themselves to climb out of their loneliness for whatever reason (maybe after years of trying and failing they are too demoralised, unhappy and exhausted to try any more and I don't blame them for this at all as loneliness can be so wearying and the constant rejcetions be soul destroying)for most of us loneliness is not a choice. I have read on here about people who have tried so hard for a long time and who are still trying hard to change their lives and to move out of loneliness by getting out and meeting people in various settings.
But, as Ardour has pointed out, some people don't have access to social groups and for those of us who do, admitting to our loneliness at these sort of settings may well not be met with much compassion. I go to some groups and get on OK with some of the people, but I know that, if I were to move away or stop going for another reason, they would soon forget me. 'Group friends' are not the same as real friends and crossing from one stage to the other happens only rarely. Even when someone far more popular than me leaves, after a short while noone mentions them any more. Most contact in groups is on a smalltalk level, with opening up about important matters a rarity.
As for meeting someone for a serious relationship at a group, this is even harder than looking for a friend.
It annoys me when married people tell singles that they are not doing enough to find someone when in reality many singles, me included, have tried/are still trying online dating/speed dating/ praying for the right person to come/going out/newspaper dating ads etc. People tend to assume that single people have chosen to be single and this hurts when the reality is the opposite, that we have always wished to be settled with someone.
OP-could you and your friends go out to different places when they come over at the weekend? This might be easier for you than going somewhre new on your own. Or could you enrol at an evening class one evening so that you wouldnt have to spend 4 straight evenings a week on your own at home?
I admire you for trying to build up a social life as it takes a lot of effort to do.

With my bus commute home from work and home responsibilities taking care of my cats and my responsibility to cook dinner for one and make enough to take to work for lunch the next day it doesn't leave much time to take a class Monday through Thursday, and doesn't leave time to commute there by bus. But I can walk to my local square which has restaurants and Starbucks and a movie theater and I do sometimes escape there because even if I'm alone the loneliness is not as bad as being lonely within the 4 walls of my home.

I was talking to my co-worker friend today. We ride the bus together. He has been living alone since his wife left him and he has the difficult challenge of having to spend the rest of his life in a wheel chair. He also understands loneliness. Something happened today when we were at the bus stop. I didn't even have to say it or bring up the subject of loneliness. He just said to me "I know you get lonely sometimes." I said to him "You're not supposed to read my thoughts but it's true." He suggested that we meet once each week on any night of the week for dinner. So this way we can help each other avoid having to spend all of our week nights home alone.

jjessea · Jul 9, 2014

Alonewith2cats said:
I didn't even have to say it or bring up the subject of loneliness. He just said to me "I know you get lonely sometimes." I said to him "You're not supposed to read my thoughts but it's true." He suggested that we meet once each week on any night of the week for dinner. So this way we can help each other avoid having to spend all of our week nights home alone.

fresia, that's really cool

x"porious · Jul 10, 2014

jjessea said:
Alonewith2cats said:

I didn't even have to say it or bring up the subject of loneliness. He just said to me "I know you get lonely sometimes." I said to him "You're not supposed to read my thoughts but it's true." He suggested that we meet once each week on any night of the week for dinner. So this way we can help each other avoid having to spend all of our week nights home alone.

Click to expand...

fresia, that's really cool

Absolutely!!
That kind of thing suggests a deeper capacity to tune in and read between the lines.
I can be self absorbed a times, and even if I do pick up cues from another persons state, sometimes I find it can be awkward to say. I think it boils down to when I was a child and my mother was very ill, she didn't want to be mithered, so I just gave up.
Good job You mentioned it, as I can be more aware of what is now a good place to start, especially if I connect with someone. After all i am sick to the back teeth of keeping communication on one superficial level.

And as for "choosing to be Lonely" I realize that now, after I have said that, that choice needs plenty of awareness of what is stopping me from connecting, and response-ability to act without fear of rejection.
Strange how your past can put a stopper in your present.

Tiina63 · Jul 10, 2014

Hello Alonewith2cats-it's really nice that your co-worker friend both saw and was compassionate about your loneliness and that he suggested that you meet up once a week for dinner. I hope that this helps you both and that you enjoy it. Let us know how it goes.

Peaches · Jul 10, 2014

Tiina63 said:
Hello Alonewith2cats-it's really nice that your co-worker friend both saw and was compassionate about your loneliness and that he suggested that you meet up once a week for dinner. I hope that this helps you both and that you enjoy it. Let us know how it goes.

that indeed sounds like you might have a potential good friend there

ShybutHi · Jul 10, 2014

Yes loneliness can be very painful.

I don't think it is a choice, however, there are things you can do to get yourself out there a bit more to create more of a chance to meet potential friends or maybe even find a partner if you are lucky, which may ease loneliness somewhat.

ardour · Jul 11, 2014

Alonewith2cats said:
I was talking to my co-worker friend today. We ride the bus together. He has been living alone since his wife left him and he has the difficult challenge of having to spend the rest of his life in a wheel chair. He also understands loneliness. Something happened today when we were at the bus stop. I didn't even have to say it or bring up the subject of loneliness. He just said to me "I know you get lonely sometimes." I said to him "You're not supposed to read my thoughts but it's true." He suggested that we meet once each week on any night of the week for dinner. So this way we can help each other avoid having to spend all of our week nights home alone.

Well that's something.

And of course you have acquaintances here...

Is loneliness a choice?

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