In love with the same girl for years.

Pergolas Googles · Jul 10, 2014

I'm new here but this forum looks like my kind of place because of a place I'm at currently in my life.

Where do I start? Well It began around 2007. Facebook became a thing and everyone you knew was on it. That also included people who you hadn't see let alone spoken to for years get back in touch with you.

For me it was a girl called Immi. We went to infants school together so I'd known her since I was around 4. We were the closes kids and our families were really good friends meaning we'd never be apart. Anyway when we were about 9 she moved away and I had forgotten about her since we grew up and made other friends.

2007 clocks around. I was 15 and I made a facebook since it was the cool thing to have. I had it nearly 6 months when I get a friend request from well immi. I had pretty much forgotten about her but still accepted since the more friends I had the cooler I'd be.

She instantly messages me "Hey I remember you! We used to be the best of friends when we were young" She then goes in to detail about her life and why she had to move and such. Turns out her stepdad was a horrible man and used to abuse her and bully her while her mum was powerless to do anything.

We keep talking for days, weeks, months and years. During all this time she had boyfriends, lost her virginity and everything while I didn't do much apart from fall for her.

I told her one weekend that I really liked her and that I was willing to travel all the time to come see her because I have strong feelings for her. He rejects me and dates this other guy for a couple of years. She also removed me from facebook and deleted my number.

I still thought about her everyday.

After not talking for nearly two years, She recently added me back on facebook, We got talking and well currently she's depressed, her ex bullies her and she's just in such a terrible place. I did what I always did, I was her shoulder to cry on. She starts asking why I'm always so lovely to her.

I replied to her text which said "Why do you care? I have been a terrible friend and yet you always look after me, why?"

"I love you. I always have. Since we were really young and well since we started talking all the way back in 2007 I have always had really strong feelings for you."

Shes not spoken to me since. I told her how I feel and it won't ever change. I love her and she doesn't feel the same way. Last I heard she was in hospital and did not want to see me.

That's my story of Immi. the girl who saved my life and the first and only girl I've ever really loved.

-George.

Case · Jul 10, 2014

Sad to say, but I think she keeps reappearing in your life because you represent an innocent time before the abuse, before the depression, etc. Then, when she seeks comfort from her first best friend, instead of comforting her, you tell her you love her. It's not what she wants to hear from you, so she runs away from you.

If she reappears again, I'd either stuff the feelings away and just be her friend, or I'd walk away and never respond to any of her future messages again. But, that's me.

ShybutHi · Jul 10, 2014

Well the chat you had seems pretty full on... It may of actually made her back away. She simply may not see you in that way, but it also might just be that she doesn't want to create a relationship with someone she only mainly talks to online, who lives far away, she may not want to have a long distance relationship.

Just some thoughts here.
You can meet someone of the opposite sex and have many many things in common, but that does not necessarily mean a romantic relationship would, or should, develop. Make sure you are not distorting things here, I say that due to you not having met her since you were very young.
It sounds a bit like she has sort of molded your perception on what you would like in a girlfriend whether physically, personality or both. I am not saying that your affection or attraction for this girl is not genuine, but it could be because of your childhood. I know this happened for myself anyway... A girl I knew when I was young, actually about the same age as you were, who was a neighbor of mine and whom I was very very close to, actually was my gf at that age of 9-10, certainly molded what I like in a girlfriend in some respects. Those kind of things in your childhood, strong memories, can have a large impact in essentially create who you are and what you like.

I don't think it is possible for you to "love" her as you say when you have not actually met her for such a long time. You could of asked her if she wanted to meet up sometime instead of throwing your heart at her. She may very well of been coming to you as a friend and as someone she thinks she can rely on to make her feel a bit better about things. Something may develop if you meet up mutually if she accepted... Who knows. Have you ever actually proposed meeting up with her before?

Revengineer · Jul 10, 2014

I'm sorry but it looks like you scared her off with your grand proclamations of affection, when all she needed at the time was a friend to talk to. Even if your intentions were good it was simply the wrong time to say what you said.

Nero13 · Aug 25, 2014

Pergolas Googles said:
I'm new here but this forum looks like my kind of place because of a place I'm at currently in my life.

Where do I start? Well It began around 2007. Facebook became a thing and everyone you knew was on it. That also included people who you hadn't see let alone spoken to for years get back in touch with you.

For me it was a girl called Immi. We went to infants school together so I'd known her since I was around 4. We were the closes kids and our families were really good friends meaning we'd never be apart. Anyway when we were about 9 she moved away and I had forgotten about her since we grew up and made other friends.

2007 clocks around. I was 15 and I made a facebook since it was the cool thing to have. I had it nearly 6 months when I get a friend request from well immi. I had pretty much forgotten about her but still accepted since the more friends I had the cooler I'd be.

She instantly messages me "Hey I remember you! We used to be the best of friends when we were young" She then goes in to detail about her life and why she had to move and such. Turns out her stepdad was a horrible man and used to abuse her and bully her while her mum was powerless to do anything.

We keep talking for days, weeks, months and years. During all this time she had boyfriends, lost her virginity and everything while I didn't do much apart from fall for her.

I told her one weekend that I really liked her and that I was willing to travel all the time to come see her because I have strong feelings for her. He rejects me and dates this other guy for a couple of years. She also removed me from facebook and deleted my number.

I still thought about her everyday.

After not talking for nearly two years, She recently added me back on facebook, We got talking and well currently she's depressed, her ex bullies her and she's just in such a terrible place. I did what I always did, I was her shoulder to cry on. She starts asking why I'm always so lovely to her.

I replied to her text which said "Why do you care? I have been a terrible friend and yet you always look after me, why?"

"I love you. I always have. Since we were really young and well since we started talking all the way back in 2007 I have always had really strong feelings for you."

Shes not spoken to me since. I told her how I feel and it won't ever change. I love her and she doesn't feel the same way. Last I heard she was in hospital and did not want to see me.

That's my story of Immi. the girl who saved my life and the first and only girl I've ever really loved.

-George.

Hi, I dont really have any advice but I wanted to let you know im in a similar situation in as much as I have been in love with the same guy for about 7 years. Hes been in and out of my life during this time and although I am not a total love sick puppy constantly I always feel just as strongly about him. I can not see him for months and months and then see him again and know that nothing has changed. Its tough, I dont think he feels the same way, were good friends but I think thats all well ever be so thats what I try to be. A good friend. I try to be there for him and we get on fine.
Unlike you ive never confessed these feelings but i dont think I have to. I think he knows I love him and I think he loves me but in a different way.

I have realised I have to cut him out of my lfe and try to forget about him or accept that I will always love him but well never be more than friends and move foreward as friends.

Maybe one day well meet up after another long gap and itll be the right time and he will want to be more than friends, maybe not. All I know is that life is better with him in it than not at all!

I think maybe yoiu scared her off because she felt vulnerable, she let you in and then you didnt do what she wanted / needed at that time which was a friend, a shoulder to cry on and someone to tell her it would be ok. Even with the best intentions you can have overwhelmed her at a time when she already had so much, so many emotions, going on.

Maybe you could try to tell her that you can be that friend she needs if she can let you back in and then one day in the future as her f she could ever see you as more than a friend. Then you will have to decide, based on her answer, whether you can have her in your life any more.

Best of luck!

Triple Bogey · Aug 25, 2014

Pergolas Googles said:
I'm new here but this forum looks like my kind of place because of a place I'm at currently in my life.

Where do I start? Well It began around 2007. Facebook became a thing and everyone you knew was on it. That also included people who you hadn't see let alone spoken to for years get back in touch with you.

For me it was a girl called Immi. We went to infants school together so I'd known her since I was around 4. We were the closes kids and our families were really good friends meaning we'd never be apart. Anyway when we were about 9 she moved away and I had forgotten about her since we grew up and made other friends.

2007 clocks around. I was 15 and I made a facebook since it was the cool thing to have. I had it nearly 6 months when I get a friend request from well immi. I had pretty much forgotten about her but still accepted since the more friends I had the cooler I'd be.

She instantly messages me "Hey I remember you! We used to be the best of friends when we were young" She then goes in to detail about her life and why she had to move and such. Turns out her stepdad was a horrible man and used to abuse her and bully her while her mum was powerless to do anything.

We keep talking for days, weeks, months and years. During all this time she had boyfriends, lost her virginity and everything while I didn't do much apart from fall for her.

I told her one weekend that I really liked her and that I was willing to travel all the time to come see her because I have strong feelings for her. He rejects me and dates this other guy for a couple of years. She also removed me from facebook and deleted my number.

I still thought about her everyday.

After not talking for nearly two years, She recently added me back on facebook, We got talking and well currently she's depressed, her ex bullies her and she's just in such a terrible place. I did what I always did, I was her shoulder to cry on. She starts asking why I'm always so lovely to her.

I replied to her text which said "Why do you care? I have been a terrible friend and yet you always look after me, why?"

"I love you. I always have. Since we were really young and well since we started talking all the way back in 2007 I have always had really strong feelings for you."

Shes not spoken to me since. I told her how I feel and it won't ever change. I love her and she doesn't feel the same way. Last I heard she was in hospital and did not want to see me.

That's my story of Immi. the girl who saved my life and the first and only girl I've ever really loved.

-George.

She doesn't deserve your friendship. Hopefully you will meet someone who does !

Tiina63 · Aug 25, 2014

Iam also in a similar situation as you are; I have been in love with someone for several years who doesn't feel the same way. I have avoided this person for three years and am in a place where I can imagine loving someone else, but if I were to meet this person again, my love would be at full volume once more.
It seems to me that for your own sake it might be better for you to keep away from Immi. If she contacts you again, ask her not to get in touch any more. You could explain to her that your feelings for her are too strong for you to be in touch with her only as a friend.

TheRealCallie · Aug 25, 2014

Case said:
Sad to say, but I think she keeps reappearing in your life because you represent an innocent time before the abuse, before the depression, etc. Then, when she seeks comfort from her first best friend, instead of comforting her, you tell her you love her. It's not what she wants to hear from you, so she runs away from you.

If she reappears again, I'd either stuff the feelings away and just be her friend, or I'd walk away and never respond to any of her future messages again. But, that's me.

I have to agree with this. You likely scared her a bit because she wasn't expecting it. She may not have even put any thought to you liking her that way.
She likely just needs time to adjust to it. But, as Case said, if you can't put those feelings aside, I would back away.
She did nothing wrong and neither did you, but you need to give her time to digest what you told her and you need time to decide what you want to do now that she knows. It will be awkward at first, if you keep in touch and stay friends, but it can be overcome.

Pike Creek · Aug 26, 2014

I made the mistake of telling a friend that I loved him. I'd known him nearly 15 years and had too much to drink one night and blurted it out. That was the end of that, I never saw him again. Telling someone you are in love with them is a risky situation. If you do want her in your life, you have to accept she's just a friend and she's not interested in you in any other way. I think it's unfair to keep loading your feelings on her when she comes to you for support - whatever her reasons, just my opinion.

TheSkaFish · Aug 26, 2014

I just wish one of us would break through somehow. It really sucks when you know you could be really good for someone, but you messed up your approach and now they think you are one thing (weak, ineffectual, boring) when you are trying to tell them you are something else, something they could enjoy.

TheRealCallie · Aug 26, 2014

Actions are louder than words. You can say whatever you want, but if that's not what they SEE, what you say means nothing.
Also, perhaps they just don't feel that way about you. Not everyone will be attracted to you and want to date you. That doesn't mean you don't have a good friend...IF you can get over your feeling and/or obsession of them.

Ymir · Aug 26, 2014

TheRealCallie said:
Actions are louder than words. You can say whatever you want, but if that's not what they SEE, what you say means nothing.
Also, perhaps they just don't feel that way about you. Not everyone will be attracted to you and want to date you. That doesn't mean you don't have a good friend...IF you can get over your feeling and/or obsession of them.

That is true.

The problem with assuming that you can make everyone you want fall in love with you with the right approach is to assume that people (most notedly women) aren't complex human beings that have their own preferences and aren't looking just for a list of attributes. Sometimes you just can't make someone feel a certain way because there's no reciprocal connection, no matter how nice or hardworking or smart you are. People aren't locks, they don't have keys or ways to be picked open. As a side note, I've spoken with OP on PM's and he's actually quite a nice bloke, so I don't think there was anything wrong with his approach.

It seems the girl OP is talking about sees him as a safety blanket, somewhere comfortable from her old life she can go for support. It's pretty clear she does not feel the same way he does and that's why she avoids him when he mentions that. If OP feels comfortable in that position, good for him. If not, it's best to move on from the friendship altogether.

TheSkaFish · Aug 26, 2014

Ymir said:
That is true.

The problem with assuming that you can make everyone you want fall in love with you with the right approach is to assume that people (most notedly women) aren't complex human beings that have their own preferences and aren't looking just for a list of attributes. Sometimes you just can't make someone feel a certain way because there's no reciprocal connection, no matter how nice or hardworking or smart you are. People aren't locks, they don't have keys or ways to be picked open.

Eh...I know it's not a popular opinion but I disagree. Why? Because guys like professional athletes, A-list actors, rock stars, and corporate raiders seem to always be able to get a "yes" when they want one, with almost whoever they want. And I don't believe it's because of money or fame, but rather, I believe that they're incredibly confident, living with purpose, and don't make the mistake of putting themselves down. I've never met one but I'd be willing to bet that they carry themselves as they live their lives - direct, honest, to the point - not clumsy and awkward and ineffectual.

So can people consistently get "yes's" that are knowledgeable when it comes to social skills. They've figured out how to be charismatic, they are good at just that - creating connections. If you know how to create connections, then you stand a pretty good chance of creating a reciprocal connection. You have to know what the other person is looking for, and position yourself in a way that you can be it.

It sounds manipulative but even when you're just asking someone what time it is, you're trying to get a specific outcome.

I still say that dating/mating is a branch of the tree of social skills, which are learned skills - not things that you're just born with or not. That's what I'm trying to do - look at the ways that successful men carry themselves, and incorporate it into my personality - at the same time, pruning the traits I have that are prone to failure.

I think relationships are a lot like business - people want things, and to succeed you have to deliver them. I'd say that even if someone is already with someone, there's probably something they want more of or something better they could get.

So far I've learned:

- Making progress in your goals attracts positive attention from women.

- Joking works pretty well too, once you know what their style of humor is.

- Getting angry or worried or lazy or acting in any other manner that shows you aren't in control of yourself in a negative way, is unattractive. If it's one thing and one thing only that I've learned, it's that do not EVER talk about your problems to women you want to date.

Pike Creek · Aug 26, 2014

TheSkaFish said:
...guys like professional athletes, A-list actors, rock stars, and corporate raiders seem to always be able to get a "yes" when they want one, with almost whoever they want. And I don't believe it's because of money or fame, but rather, I believe that they're incredibly confident, living with purpose, and don't make the mistake of putting themselves down.

I guess I'm in the minority, but that type of guy isn't what I define as attractive. I think that men who don't fall into the rich/famous/society's-view-of-successful category can also have irresistible traits for most women. Over confidence is a turn off for me. Guys who show both confidence and humility are more of a turn on. You can live with purpose and be a rock star sure, but you can live with purpose and be a librarian too.

But everyone's tastes are subjective and people do what works for them, so more power to them if that's what makes them happy.

TheSkaFish · Aug 26, 2014

Pike Creek said:
I guess I'm in the minority, but that type of guy isn't what I define as attractive. I think that men who don't fall into the rich/famous/society's-view-of-successful category can also have irresistible traits for most women. Over confidence is a turn off for me. Guys who show both confidence and humility are more of a turn on. You can live with purpose and be a rock star sure, but you can live with purpose and be a librarian too.

But everyone's tastes are subjective and people do what works for them, so more power to them if that's what makes them happy.

I get what you're saying, and I know that those guys don't get a "yes" 100% of the time. However I will say that I'm sure their success rate is MUCH higher than that of the average person, and that I imagine most women would give such a guy a yes because of his magnetic personality. Usually a guy like that is a master of bringing the fun vibe, and doesn't make mistakes like acting underconfident or talking about his problems.

I myself am trying to attain more confidence because I believe that the kind of woman I'd want to date would want to date a very confident, purposeful man. I have noticed that a couple times in the past, when I talked about making major progress on one of my goals, the women I desired took notice.

Ymir · Aug 26, 2014

It sounds manipulative because it IS manipulative. You'll find that a lot of those kind of guys who you listed fail at having stable, long term relationships. Good looks, confidence and money only goes so far, and relationships based on fabricated connections are shallow and weak.

Ska, for a person who wants a deep connection with people, you cannot possibly be expecting that you will find that if you make yourself to be something that you aren't. Confidence is great, but anything else (and even confidence, really) will not get you what you truly want. Or what you should want anyway. If all you want is a shallow, misleading relationship with someone who's not really into you (aka the girl you've been talking to who's not into you), then alright. But don't complain when you reap what you have sown.

TheRealCallie · Aug 26, 2014

There's a difference between confidence and trying to control someone....

WildernessWildChild · Aug 26, 2014

....and another thread brings out negativity and a false sense of self in people....

TheSkaFish · Aug 26, 2014

Ymir said:
Ska, for a person who wants a deep connection with people, you cannot possibly be expecting that you will find that if you make yourself to be something that you aren't. Confidence is great, but anything else (and even confidence, really) will not get you what you truly want. Or what you should want anyway. If all you want is a shallow, misleading relationship with someone who's not really into you (aka the girl you've been talking to who's not into you), then alright. But don't complain when you reap what you have sown.

I just don't understand what you would have me or any other guy in this situation do then. If we change anything about ourselves to try to get the results we want, then it requires becoming someone we haven't been being. Is that fake? What if we've just been leading unattractive lives? Should we just go on doing unattractive things because that's just who we are? Should we accept the next girl who randomly happens to be into us, even if we find her physically unappealing and/or boring, because that's all we can get to be interested, and go the rest of our lives unhappy, missing out stuck in our comfort zone of doing nothing, and wishing we could only be someone else?

Maybe you mean well but it sounds to me as though you are encouraging guys who have trouble getting the ones they want to just become complacent with the ones that they don't want, or become complacent with being single for life. That's why it rubs me the wrong way when I hear someone say to just "be yourself". Being myself would obviously mean to go on being unattractive. It will lead to either being alone for good, or being with someone that I find unattractive but easy to get along with because it would require almost no work. The problem is, it would also yield almost no reward. That's not the life I want.

Ymir · Aug 26, 2014

TheSkaFish said:
Ymir said:

Ska, for a person who wants a deep connection with people, you cannot possibly be expecting that you will find that if you make yourself to be something that you aren't. Confidence is great, but anything else (and even confidence, really) will not get you what you truly want. Or what you should want anyway. If all you want is a shallow, misleading relationship with someone who's not really into you (aka the girl you've been talking to who's not into you), then alright. But don't complain when you reap what you have sown.

Click to expand...

I just don't understand what you would have me or any other guy in this situation do then. If we change anything about ourselves to try to get the results we want, then it requires becoming someone we haven't been being. Is that fake? What if we've just been leading unattractive lives? Should we just go on doing unattractive things because that's just who we are? Should we accept the next girl who randomly happens to be into us, even if we find her physically unappealing and/or boring, because that's all we can get to be interested, and go the rest of our lives unhappy, missing out stuck in our comfort zone of doing nothing, and wishing we could only be someone else?

Maybe you mean well but it sounds to me as though you are encouraging guys who have trouble getting the ones they want to just become complacent with the ones that they don't want, or become complacent with being single for life. That's why it rubs me the wrong way when I hear someone say to just "be yourself". Being myself would obviously mean to go on being unattractive. It will lead to either being alone for good, or being with someone that I find unattractive but easy to get along with because it would require almost no work. The problem is, it would also yield almost no reward. That's not the life I want.

It only rubs you the wrong way because you refuse to see that moving on from a person who does not want you doesn't mean you won't find anyone else who is desirable and who desires you. And telling someone to "be yourself" doesn't mean to say they shouldn't change aspects of themselves they consider unattractive. There's a huge huge huge difference between improving yourself to be someone you want to be (and attracting people along the way), and changing yourself in order to attract someone else.

If all you want to be is someone attractive to a certain somebody, I'd suggest you to reconsider your worldview. This is shallow and will not make you happy in the long run.

In short: you have been strawmanning all everyone has been saying to you all along because you somehow want to think it's possible to attract this girl who already made up her mind about you. Your logic is completely faulty about this. I understand what you are feeling, and I am sympathetic to those feelings, but I can't get over your consequential disrespect towards this girl and women in general with the way you see things. And men too, really.

In love with the same girl for years.

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