Alonewith2cats
Well-known member
I've been dealing with these thoughts in my head which I realize are not exactly good for my self-esteem but they are thoughts suggesting that the reason I have to live with loneliness is because I'm being punished for doing something bad to someone else. That is breaking my last boyfriend's heart and I have to serve my time for it. And these thoughts seem to haunt me sometimes. Here is the story. I'll leave it up to anyone to judge whether or not I was a cruel heart-breaker deserving of my fate of loneliness or if I simply had to do what I had to do. Either way time will make me forgive myself.
I have never married anyone or had kids. But I have been in a very long term relationship. My last relationship had a life span of from September of 1999 to August of 2011, almost 12 years! I met him through a dating service called Great Expectations, at that time I didn't have a computer with internet, it was expensive! We dated, became boyfriend and girlfriend and lived together for most of these years. We had a very loving relationship, but I could never marry him, I always had a certain doubt about it, couldn't figure out why. I thought maybe I wasn't the marrying kind. I realized after the break up that actually I am, but he is not the one.
He was sweet and affectionate and we enjoyed one another's company. He wasn't a very motivated guy when it came to work. He didn't have any ambition and his hobbies were mainly video games and watching anime. I wasn't too excited about him being glued to a screen playing a game I didn't want to participate in for a large part of the time but I accepted him as he was. He was laid back, pretty sedentary, if I wanted to do something exciting I had to initiate it. And my parents had concerns about the fact that during some of those years, he only worked part time while I worked full time and I was pretty much the breadwinner. I would get up early, commute to work and home by bus, he could sleep in. I didn't care as long as he had a job and I loved that he loved me and I loved him too but this was not to last forever.
The best years of our relationship was when we both worked full time, when he worked for Circuit City. I sometimes had to miss him when he did put in overtime. We were both earning our own money on an equal level and we cherished our time off so we could enjoy each other either at home or on dates. On one occasion his Dad visited San Diego and we spent some time with him and it was great.
Circuit City of course went out of business and laid off its employees. He had to collect unemployment. I was disappointed for him but not for myself. I was confident that this would be a temporary situation and he would find another job. However, 3 years passed and this did not happen. His unemployment ran out and I was financially supporting him. During our decade long relationship there was a time when I was unemployed too but I found work relatively quickly and I still hold this same job today, I've been there for 8 years. My parents would intervene, say this is not healthy, he is not trying hard enough, I defended him, said the economy sucks, it's hard to find work. Give him some time.
The downward spiral of my love for him turning into not loving him anymore happened during the last 3 years. I was losing attraction to him. Yes, he was applying for employment but not exactly busting his butt about it. He had lots of time to play video games, watch anime, be on face book. Yes, he fed my cats, did laundry and cooked but it was still not a fair trade off with me getting up early to go to work, commute by bus, putting in hard working hours in a call center which I still do to this day, and then commuting home while he could sleep in on mornings and had plenty more spare time. I was starting to feel that when I got home I didn't have enough personal time alone, he was always there, he seemed unproductive in comparison but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. For some people it's hard to find jobs and you don't just quit because life is tough.
His Dad moved to San Diego to be closer to his son and until he found his own place he camped out in my living room for a month. I didn't like it. When he did get his own place my boyfriend made arrangements with his father without my permission for him to come to my place every Sunday evening for dinner. It was a huge compromise to me. This is my home and I am fortunate enough to own my own place and I work full time and it wasn't fair to me that he could make these decisions. I dealt with it, understanding the father and son relationship but I hated it. He would come over on Sunday evenings, those two would sit on my couch and watch The Simpsons, Family Guy, South Park and a certain crime TV show. I hate Family Guy, don't care for South Park or The Simpsons. I started to withdraw into a world of my own taking German lessons on my computer and after Michael Jackson died I spent a great deal of time on the Michael Jackson forum.
I gradually became bored with the routine, working Monday through Friday while he didn't have a job, making a grocery list and shopping on weekends, occasionally going on a date with my man and paying for it myself and dealing with his father being at my place every Sunday. The whole relationship little by little became not a joy in my life but a burden and very boring. Then I met a cute guy on the bus to work, 10 years younger than me, became acquaintances with him and developed an enormous crush on him. I was no longer in love with my man. I did not physically cheat on him but I was emotionally very conflicted. This crush became the catalyst for my break up. He sent me a face book friend request and I accepted. I was watching his home made videos with his friends, he is a very funny guy, I tried to hide this from my boyfriend. I became so emotionally conflicted I decided to break up with my boyfriend. I told him I want to be single and told him I would like him to move out from my place and move in with his Dad. He did not take it well. He at first became very angry at me for wasting over a decade of his life and he found out about my crush too, he somehow managed to squeeze this information out of me. And the break up was awful, he was emotionally devastated, I cried too, this wasn't easy, and I don't believe I was very kind while this break up process was happening.
Once I became single I threw a halloween party, invited my bus crush. He showed up. It was fun. I hand-fed him a halloween cockroach (date stuffed with cream cheese), wrapped toilet paper around him when we played the mummy game and let him pet my cats. I didn't get to date him. He liked me too but he started dating someone sometime during the time I broke up with my boyfriend and close to a year later she gave birth to his baby daughter. He eventually took me off his face book friend list.
I don't want my ex-boyfriend back. He is no longer in San Diego, he lives in New York with his father and the rest of his father's family. We don't communicate anymore, we're strangers now.
It's a dramatic change to go from living with someone and waking up next to someone every day to living alone and dealing with silence when you go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning and depend on electronic devices such as TV, Radio and Computer for "company" at home. These are the consequences of my actions, my sentence for causing heart break but I couldn't help how I felt and I made the right decision for me. I just don't want to live this lifestyle I'm living now forever.
I have never married anyone or had kids. But I have been in a very long term relationship. My last relationship had a life span of from September of 1999 to August of 2011, almost 12 years! I met him through a dating service called Great Expectations, at that time I didn't have a computer with internet, it was expensive! We dated, became boyfriend and girlfriend and lived together for most of these years. We had a very loving relationship, but I could never marry him, I always had a certain doubt about it, couldn't figure out why. I thought maybe I wasn't the marrying kind. I realized after the break up that actually I am, but he is not the one.
He was sweet and affectionate and we enjoyed one another's company. He wasn't a very motivated guy when it came to work. He didn't have any ambition and his hobbies were mainly video games and watching anime. I wasn't too excited about him being glued to a screen playing a game I didn't want to participate in for a large part of the time but I accepted him as he was. He was laid back, pretty sedentary, if I wanted to do something exciting I had to initiate it. And my parents had concerns about the fact that during some of those years, he only worked part time while I worked full time and I was pretty much the breadwinner. I would get up early, commute to work and home by bus, he could sleep in. I didn't care as long as he had a job and I loved that he loved me and I loved him too but this was not to last forever.
The best years of our relationship was when we both worked full time, when he worked for Circuit City. I sometimes had to miss him when he did put in overtime. We were both earning our own money on an equal level and we cherished our time off so we could enjoy each other either at home or on dates. On one occasion his Dad visited San Diego and we spent some time with him and it was great.
Circuit City of course went out of business and laid off its employees. He had to collect unemployment. I was disappointed for him but not for myself. I was confident that this would be a temporary situation and he would find another job. However, 3 years passed and this did not happen. His unemployment ran out and I was financially supporting him. During our decade long relationship there was a time when I was unemployed too but I found work relatively quickly and I still hold this same job today, I've been there for 8 years. My parents would intervene, say this is not healthy, he is not trying hard enough, I defended him, said the economy sucks, it's hard to find work. Give him some time.
The downward spiral of my love for him turning into not loving him anymore happened during the last 3 years. I was losing attraction to him. Yes, he was applying for employment but not exactly busting his butt about it. He had lots of time to play video games, watch anime, be on face book. Yes, he fed my cats, did laundry and cooked but it was still not a fair trade off with me getting up early to go to work, commute by bus, putting in hard working hours in a call center which I still do to this day, and then commuting home while he could sleep in on mornings and had plenty more spare time. I was starting to feel that when I got home I didn't have enough personal time alone, he was always there, he seemed unproductive in comparison but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. For some people it's hard to find jobs and you don't just quit because life is tough.
His Dad moved to San Diego to be closer to his son and until he found his own place he camped out in my living room for a month. I didn't like it. When he did get his own place my boyfriend made arrangements with his father without my permission for him to come to my place every Sunday evening for dinner. It was a huge compromise to me. This is my home and I am fortunate enough to own my own place and I work full time and it wasn't fair to me that he could make these decisions. I dealt with it, understanding the father and son relationship but I hated it. He would come over on Sunday evenings, those two would sit on my couch and watch The Simpsons, Family Guy, South Park and a certain crime TV show. I hate Family Guy, don't care for South Park or The Simpsons. I started to withdraw into a world of my own taking German lessons on my computer and after Michael Jackson died I spent a great deal of time on the Michael Jackson forum.
I gradually became bored with the routine, working Monday through Friday while he didn't have a job, making a grocery list and shopping on weekends, occasionally going on a date with my man and paying for it myself and dealing with his father being at my place every Sunday. The whole relationship little by little became not a joy in my life but a burden and very boring. Then I met a cute guy on the bus to work, 10 years younger than me, became acquaintances with him and developed an enormous crush on him. I was no longer in love with my man. I did not physically cheat on him but I was emotionally very conflicted. This crush became the catalyst for my break up. He sent me a face book friend request and I accepted. I was watching his home made videos with his friends, he is a very funny guy, I tried to hide this from my boyfriend. I became so emotionally conflicted I decided to break up with my boyfriend. I told him I want to be single and told him I would like him to move out from my place and move in with his Dad. He did not take it well. He at first became very angry at me for wasting over a decade of his life and he found out about my crush too, he somehow managed to squeeze this information out of me. And the break up was awful, he was emotionally devastated, I cried too, this wasn't easy, and I don't believe I was very kind while this break up process was happening.
Once I became single I threw a halloween party, invited my bus crush. He showed up. It was fun. I hand-fed him a halloween cockroach (date stuffed with cream cheese), wrapped toilet paper around him when we played the mummy game and let him pet my cats. I didn't get to date him. He liked me too but he started dating someone sometime during the time I broke up with my boyfriend and close to a year later she gave birth to his baby daughter. He eventually took me off his face book friend list.
I don't want my ex-boyfriend back. He is no longer in San Diego, he lives in New York with his father and the rest of his father's family. We don't communicate anymore, we're strangers now.
It's a dramatic change to go from living with someone and waking up next to someone every day to living alone and dealing with silence when you go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning and depend on electronic devices such as TV, Radio and Computer for "company" at home. These are the consequences of my actions, my sentence for causing heart break but I couldn't help how I felt and I made the right decision for me. I just don't want to live this lifestyle I'm living now forever.
