making friends: let's talk about the basics

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Peaches

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Question for those of you who have no trouble being social, but who find difficult to make close friends:

how does that happen? Can you identify something that goes wrong in the process?

I meet so many people, we seem to get along, have things to talk about,
we meet once or twice in social settings, maybe even once or twice just us, and then everything stops, there is the occasional invite for a birthday or a social event but no talk, no exchange anymore.

Does this happen to you? Why do you think that happens?

Personally I am torn between the possibilities that I look too needy or instead that I somehow keep a distance because I don't trust the other person immediately. And also, sometimes you just discover that you don't have that much in common, of course.

I would like to hear other people's reflections
 
I have no problem with talking to people etc. But friendships never last for me.

It's not my fault tho, its the lack of making the effort from others. I was making all the effort myself with nothing in return. You can't have a one-sided friendship, that doesn't work.

I see it as a learning curve, and just hope that things will change next time...
 
I have no idea how to make friends but you reminded me of this passage from a Camus novel.

"Above all, don’t believe your friends when they ask you to be sincere with them. They merely hope you will encourage them in the good opinion they have of themselves by providing them with the additional assurance they will find in your promise of sincerity. How could sincerity be a condition of friendship? A liking for truth at any cost is a passion that spares nothing and that nothing resists. It’s a vice, at times a comfort, or a selfishness. Therefore, if you are in that situation, don’t hesitate: promise to tell the truth and then lie as best you can. You will satisfy their hidden desire and doubly prove your affection."

I'm sorry, this probably isn't useful.
 
I often feel it's the connection that I fail to have with people when they don't last as friends. As you know I don't have a problem interacting with people online, sometimes offline too, depending on my mood. But it's never easy to socialise and make a good friend out of these interactions. Out of 10 people I get to know, maybe only 1 or 2 connects well with me, and 1 out of that 2 will remain a lasting friend.

But this is just me.. I don't know about other people.
 
Are you talking about IRL or Online?

I don't know, IRL people just seem to stick - I try to stay away from people as much as possible IRL because drama, but people seem to want to have everything to do with me.

Online I just tell them every thought I have and they eventually grow used to it lol.
 
LonesomeLoner said:
I have no problem with talking to people etc. But friendships never last for me.

It's not my fault tho, its the lack of making the effort from others. I was making all the effort myself with nothing in return. You can't have a one-sided friendship, that doesn't work.

I see it as a learning curve, and just hope that things will change next time...

I know the feeling, although I do question myself. For example, is it really "nothing in return", as we often think, or is it "not as grandiose as what I've judged my own givings to be relative to theirs"? Eh. I can't always kid myself though. Sometimes it really is nothing. lol!

It does wear you down. WITH that in mind, I've also considered that maybe that's the problem for a lot of people. Performing gestures that help nurture friendships should be exciting, but I guess it is very fatiguing for people. It's only fatiguing for me when I feel like there would be NO friendship if not for all my gestures. If everyone could see eye to eye about that and act on it, we'd all be better off with friendships because that empathy would be there. Some people simply don't care that you are exerting yourself for the sake of friendship. And it doesn't take many relationships to develop zero tolerance for that. I've already developed the "if person never calls me after I've called them several times just to say hello and maybe organize something, stop calling him/her" policy. It is infectious and now, when the world was once without the knowledge to harness electricity and so much more, we have forums where people discuss these matters.

Then there seems to be those who simply do not fathom the idea of BUILDING friendships at all. They don't care to even engage in that process. Instant attraction is needed. The first ball has to be a home run. If not, game over.
 
Rainbows said:
Are you talking about IRL or Online?

I don't know, IRL people just seem to stick - I try to stay away from people as much as possible IRL because drama, but people seem to want to have everything to do with me.

Online I just tell them every thought I have and they eventually grow used to it lol.

Maybe some people naturally attract people, like Rainbows?
 
For me it truely feels like they don't like what they see. At first, when we are tentative... they like that and want more. So the encouragement is there. But when I start being myself... that is when I feel they push away. In the movie "he is just not that into you" the guy who is giving a girl advice tells her... if a guy likes you he will make time. He will find time. I have to take that advice to heart with regard to friendships. When people do like you really they are always up for making time for you. But if they don't... well you drift apart. I feel like that with regard to a lot of the people I know. I am just not that into them.
 
I have very long term friendships, I have friends that have their ups and downs and I have friends who have messed me over.

As far as making new friends, see that's where I run into problems. Kind of like LonelySutton said, people get to know the real them and then feel like they feel like they aren't part of it anymore. I'm completely the opposite. I refuse to put out a different face, just to get people to talk to me or like me. I am me, I'm blunt and outspoken and honest and a lot of people can't get past that. But, those that can will have the chance to see every part of me and not just the bad parts they don't want to see.
If people can't like the bitchy, outspoken, blunt side of me, they don't need to know any of the other parts of me, because the blunt part of me is a big part of who I am.
Take me or leave me, I don't care either way.
 
jjam said:
Then there seems to be those who simply do not fathom the idea of BUILDING friendships at all. They don't care to even engage in that process. Instant attraction is needed. The first ball has to be a home run. If not, game over.

For those who already have a good social life with plenty of friendships they probably don't see why go through that process.

This is a big challenge in that so many people have busy lives with enough friendships that aren't even thinking of new friendships and unless someone comes along who they quickly connect with and are right away more enjoyable to be around than some of their current friends it simply doesn't seem worth their time.

The people who are able to quicklly make those strong bonds usually have strong social skills and many friends already.
 
I have this problem too. My mums always said to me that i have too high of a expectation for my frie ds. Like i want it to be like the films or the songs but its not like that. Its hard, sometimes its one-sided, sometimes you guys can not talk for years and then out of the blue they need you. I am the person that would be like fresia you but i think i need to stop trying to be in the films and be in reality.
I dont know if this helps? Xx
 
Peaches I feel just like you. I am described as "vivacious" and "charming" and "having a ton of friends" yet I really have hardly anyone. I even lead two meet ups, successfully so, yet have such a hard time being closer. I don't know how.

If I were to guess what it is is that for me I get anxious hanging out with someone. Even as I appear to be socially comfortable with others with my social groups when I get one on one I often do not know what to say and have a hard time just relaxing and being my true self (which is more introverted than I appear). I am also anxious that I won't be "worthwhile" enough and ultimately rejected.

I also think I have trouble getting closer to women because my mother was not a warm, nurturing type and that left the stamp of "not being ok" on my consciousness. I also have sisters who have been very hard on me (probably mimicking what my mother did). This is where my feeling of "not being good enough" comes from.

Because of my background of unkind female family members I am afraid to reach out and take that extra step for fear I won't be "worthy" enough. The current political climate doesn't help me either as I am a very unique individual with unique views that can offend or put off everyone (although I keep them to myself most of the time it's others who force the issue).
I actually love connecting, good conversation, sharing and being supportive. I try to be very inclusive because I know what it's like to be left out. I love being generous with my support and kindness and helping others out in need. But I rarely get the same in return. I think sometimes people think I may be up to something because I am so giving (I give for it's own sake) or ???. I don't know...good question.
 
TheRealCallie said:
If people can't like the bitchy, outspoken, blunt side of me, they don't need to know any of the other parts of me, because the blunt part of me is a big part of who I am. Take me or leave me, I don't care either way.

This is kind of where I am at the moment. But, I have to say, it doesn't help me make friends. I do feel like movies and such teach that people will love you if you are yourself. But the truth as I see it is no... no... friendships, romantic relationships... people will love you only if you validate them. Help them. Let them do what they want in some way. You being you is only ok if it helps them in some way.

There was an article a few months ago on what we could learn about good relationships from dogs. It was scary but sadly true. People love dogs because they don't challenge them... they don't tell them they are wrong. They just do what the person wants and love them unconditionally. That is fine for a dog... they like that... but humans all want to be the alpha of pack.
 
Well, I'm the only person in class who thinks listening to the instructor make an impromptu talk about degaussers for 20 minutes is absolutely fascinating, much more so than parties, drinking, sex, relationships, weekend excursions, etc. You do the math as to where I diverge from others...

If this were a Friday night instead of a Tuesday I still would have spent my evening on further reading. Nobody wants that in a close friend.
 
Tealeaf said:
If this were a Friday night instead of a Tuesday I still would have spent my evening on further reading. Nobody wants that in a close friend.

There are people who'd share your interests as well and would totally do the same thing as that ^ on a Friday night.
 
ladyforsaken said:
Tealeaf said:
If this were a Friday night instead of a Tuesday I still would have spent my evening on further reading. Nobody wants that in a close friend.

There are people who'd share your interests as well and would totally do the same thing as that ^ on a Friday night.

I've only met one who does that by choice, and we know each other online. He was a triple major in STEM his own college days and will happily ramble to me for an hour about gadget repair or what he's been able to wrangle a simple cellphone into doing. We're not nonexistent, but as far as I've seen the other people who do that are either totally disinterested in company or depressed about not being out instead. It's discouraging.

Sorry if I seem arrogant. I'm just desperate for the type of company who'd think teaching yourself a second language is cool and exciting, not intimidating or boring. Even in the classes I'm in now, I met a girl who wanted to talk about things like which boys were hot...

Surrounded by cables, gear, and external hard drives, and I still can't get away from it.
 
Here's a different perspective to those who think maybe it's all their fault that they can't make new friends.

In some cases, it's not you at all. When I'm in a social situation, I'm very easy going (after the initial anxiety) and can socialize and small talk very well. I also tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and tell people a lot about me - I think years of therapy made me very open about my life and it's easy for me to talk about things others wouldn't bring up to strangers. I know I have a good sense of humour and it puts people at ease. People seem to like my genuineness and want to keep in touch with me. I honestly think the people I meet are nice too. But then my hermit side kicks in as soon as I get home. I don't want any new friends, I like my solitude, my freedom, I like having just my bf as my best friend - it's all I need and honestly, all I can handle. I know I disappoint people, but it's all I can do to feel comfortable in my own skin. I avoid social situations, but if I can't, I also have to play the social game right? I can't just be cold and alone if I'm around people, I have to try to talk and enjoy myself. But after it's over, to me it's really just over.

Like Peaches, if I met you at a social event, we'd talk, we'd get along, if we made plans to keep in touch or meet again, then I'd be the one who fizzles out - without any blame on your part at all.
 
Tealeaf said:
I've only met one who does that by choice, and we know each other online. He was a triple major in STEM his own college days and will happily ramble to me for an hour about gadget repair or what he's been able to wrangle a simple cellphone into doing. We're not nonexistent, but as far as I've seen the other people who do that are either totally disinterested in company or depressed about not being out instead. It's discouraging.

Sorry if I seem arrogant. I'm just desperate for the type of company who'd think teaching yourself a second language is cool and exciting, not intimidating or boring. Even in the classes I'm in now, I met a girl who wanted to talk about things like which boys were hot...

Surrounded by cables, gear, and external hard drives, and I still can't get away from it.

Aww.. I know what you mean. It can be quite rare, I guess especially if your culture is more.... open? I know quite a number of people like what you described - but they are also the type who are more competitive and would rather study over hanging out or playing games. I used to compete with them, myself. :0
 

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