in a relationship and lonely

I am just wondering whether anyone else here is in a relationship yet feel totally alone. Even when my gf is sitting next to me and we are chatting and laughing, i cant help but feel incredibly alone. This makes me feel very selfish as i am lucky enough to have a SO yet i cant help that i feel this way.
Please dont tell me its only me who feels this way!xx

Hello.

Personally i am not in your situation, but i've seen alot of people on this forum who struggle with the very same thing.

You're not alone.

There are couples who have a good relationship with each other but feel lonely individually, probably because they yearn for casual friendships or social interaction outside of their relationship. I do have friends like this who would still feel lonely even with having the best partner ever. There's nothing wrong with that, some people just need other types of social interaction besides what they have with their partners. It is how you are, and if your gf cares about you, she'd understand that and not have an issue with you having friends (though I doubt this is the problem here?).

Hello possibly. I agree with ladyforsaken that maybe you need friends as well as a partner. One person can't meet all of our emotional needs and most of us need friends as well as a loving partner.
Or maybe-please don't shoot me down in flames for this suggestion-your girlfriend might not be the right person for you. The fact that you feel very alone when you are with her might mean that you are not connecting at a deep enough level for a close relationship.
Or maybe you are not truly being yourself with her? Could you stop chatting and laughing with her and open up about what you feel inside, about how alone you feel, or do you think that this might hurt her and make her feel that she isn't 'enough?'

Hi guys thanks for the replies! no my gf doesnt mind me baving friends - shes actually pushing me to fibd some as i dont have any friends of my own. I have an unsociable job and my friends from uni have all gone home. I am so alone. And we arent as close as we could be no, i cant open up enough. She knkws all about my horrible life like she knows everything, but she doesnt know what im going through day to day. Im currently on the list to see whther i have bipolar disorder (theres a high possibility) and she knows nothing about it. I doubt shed understand if i told her. I feel awkward talking about it tbh.
But yeh i need frienda. I need to be able to be sociable without her being there. I just dont know how to do it and im stuck in a rut waiting xx

Maybe wait till after the assessment till you mention bipolar to your girlfriend, as you may not be bi polar.
If you do have it-it can be painful being open about health issues. I have had and have health issues myself and while I wouldn t want to hide them, at the same time knowing the right time to bring them into the conversation can be difficult, especially if there is the chance that the other person might not understand or might be non supportive. Could you bring up discussion of mental illness in a more roundabout way to try and find out if she is likely to be supportive or not? Maybe say you have read a good book about someone who is bi polar or have seen a documentary on TV about it or something along these lines?

1.) The part about not having friends is a big, big issue. Bigger than most people think. You definitely need to have some friends and a social life outside your relationship. Even if it's just once a week, watching a game at your buddy's house (or whatever you like to do). Making friends outside of school can be a difficult nut to crack, but it essentially takes a.) having outside interests and b.) opening up to people and making the first move. But...your post was more about the feeling of Loneliness, so:

2.) If you indeed have a mental health issue, that could be a large part of the "loneliness" problem. You should definitely figure that out first. Relationships absolutely suffer when one person is going through a mental health issue and has not properly dealt with it.

IF, on the other hand, you're generally a happy, stable-mood type of person, then here's what I think (and keep in mind, this is just my experience):

When that feeling of loneliness arises in an otherwise solid and functional relationship, it means you're unhappy and either sub-consciously or consciously considering leaving the relationship. When you are considering leaving a relationship, your mind starts to put a distance between you and your partner. That distance causes you to step outside the "moment" and see the other person objectively, or as a stranger. You start feeling sad and guilty. You start thinking about how the other person would feel if you left. You start thinking about the good times you had. All of that stuff starts to weigh on you and make you sad.

This does NOT mean your relationship is over or has to end immediately (or ever). It just means you need to think, really sit down and think, about whether or not you're happy with the person and then, when you come to a conclusion about what might be bothering you, see if there's a way you can address it with them. You should be able to at least talk about it.

Every minute of your relationship does not have to be joyous or amazing or thrilling; one moment of sadness here or there does not mean it's over (or that you have a mental problem). But, if you're experiencing this sadness repeatedly, something is wrong, either with your emotional/mental health or with the relationship. Taking action and opening up to people are the best ways I've known to deal with these types of issues in my own life.

Hope this helps at all.

then it is that idea that you cant tell her everything. in that sense - you feel loneliness. that you cant share that part of you and its yours alone, youre alone in the struggle as if you have to hide it.

I'm kind of in the same boat. I'm very lonely in my relationship. I feel very misunderstood - although I have tried to express myself very clearly and honestly, he sometimes throws it back in my face. It makes me shy and trepidatious to even bring anything personal up. I do suffer depression and try very hard to manage it, he knows all that, but, well, he's not very supportive. I don't have any friends because that's how I want it...a little social anxiety disorder you see. But honestly, I've been that way my whole life and haven't always felt this lonely.

I feel for you. It's a risk to tell your beloved about your day to day struggle for risk of being misunderstood and (in my case) accused of other things (like being selfish or lazy etc...). I tried it and won't again with him, but maybe your gf will be more understanding?

This is what I fear will happen to me. There's a good chance I'll never even have a relationship at all, and if I do, it won't be with anyone I want because all the girls I want are taken, pretty badly too. Unless I can somehow attract them away, I'll have to settle for someone I'm not that interested in just to keep from having been single my whole life. I can't imagine being very enthusiastic about a relationship with someone that I know I am only dating because I moved too slow or messed up with the ones I really wanted. It will be like going through the motions. I imagine it will feel like although I am with someone, I am still alone. It will feel like I still haven't found a truly romantic connection.

TheSkaFish said:

This is what I fear will happen to me. There's a good chance I'll never even have a relationship at all, and if I do, it won't be with anyone I want because all the girls I want are taken, pretty badly too. Unless I can somehow attract them away, I'll have to settle for someone I'm not that interested in just to keep from having been single my whole life. I can't imagine being very enthusiastic about a relationship with someone that I know I am only dating because I moved too slow or messed up with the ones I really wanted. It will be like going through the motions. I imagine it will feel like although I am with someone, I am still alone. It will feel like I still haven't found a truly romantic connection.

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There is still hope. I'm 46, first relationship in over a decade, I thought I'd be alone forever but I found someone. I don't know if this will work out, but I did find someone I initially fell in love with. If you focus on the girls taken, no other girl will ever be good enough for you, do you agree with that? I'm just saying that because for 10 years, I was holding a torch for a guy who didn't love me and I think I missed out on a lot.

Pike Creek said:

There is still hope. I'm 46, first relationship in over a decade, I thought I'd be alone forever but I found someone. I don't know if this will work out, but I did find someone I initially fell in love with. If you focus on the girls taken, no other girl will ever be good enough for you, do you agree with that? I'm just saying that because for 10 years, I was holding a torch for a guy who didn't love me and I think I missed out on a lot.

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Eh, it's more like I'm focused on what I want. Other girls aren't good enough for me because they aren't what I want, and if I were with them I would still feel lonely in a relationship, I'd feel incomplete and defeated. I wouldn't feel like I won. I'd feel like there is a ceiling as to how well I will have lived my life now. At best, it would feel like a good conversation one has while waiting for a train. Just biding my time. So I keep trying to tell myself that just because they are taken now doesn't mean they still will be in one, two, five or ten years. I tell myself that people break up and get divorces all the time. I guess I might as well get comfortable digging in, but it's okay because it's not like I'm missing anything anyway.

Just curious, but what is it that attracts you to these women who are already in relationships Ska? Is it because they are in relationships or is it because of who they are?

wolvesjr said:

Just curious, but what is it that attracts you to these women who are already in relationships Ska? Is it because they are in relationships or is it because of who they are?

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It's because of who they are. I knew them all when they were single, for over a year. I just moved too slowly, didn't become an interesting, exciting, successful person when I should have, and in one case gave the girl the wrong impression of me by being too nice and not masculine enough. I snoozed, I lost. Now I'm just stuck with nowhere to go. Whether I date someone I don't want, or just stay alone, it will be the same regardless. Unfulfillment, regret, and a feeling of emptiness where romance would be. I'll go on feeling defeated for the rest of my life now...I could get everything else I want but I'll most likely never fulfill this area. It sucks.

Never happened to me, but heard a lot of times similar story like yours so I not sure what to say about this...

TheSkaFish said:

This is what I fear will happen to me. There's a good chance I'll never even have a relationship at all, and if I do, it won't be with anyone I want because all the girls I want are taken, pretty badly too. Unless I can somehow attract them away, I'll have to settle for someone I'm not that interested in just to keep from having been single my whole life. I can't imagine being very enthusiastic about a relationship with someone that I know I am only dating because I moved too slow or messed up with the ones I really wanted. It will be like going through the motions. I imagine it will feel like although I am with someone, I am still alone. It will feel like I still haven't found a truly romantic connection.

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Please do not make the same mistake I made. I felt much the same as you did for many years, especially after going 10 years with no dates in my life. I don't know if I 'settled' so much as my wife decided her birth family is more important than her married one. Everything she (and, to some extent, WE) do revolves around her elderly parents and brother. It is natural to want to help family members but my situation is so entwined with them that it has nearly cost me a career, has cost me my interests, and may cost me my health. PLEASE do not repeat my mistake.