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Pike Creek

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Hi ALL,

I'm new here. I'm an older woman in a relationship with a younger man. I'm 46, he's 26. Our age seems to make no difference, at least I think so, that's why I'm asking opinions. He's an older soul...not into the typical 20-year old stuff that others are into. He loves his work, he likes old movies, jazz music, he's a homebody, we share the same hobbies, sense of humour, family values and we've lived together for a year and a half.

But lately when I try to have discussions, he attacks me, always has to one-up me...like, just a silly example...he dumped his tools on my desk. I asked him not to do that because it disrupts my work, he comes right back by saying I disrupted his closet by putting a box in it. Silly isn't it?

But my complaint was dismissed. I feel misunderstood and ignored. He spends more and more time alone in his office, not just working, but napping and watching tv...my time alone has increased drastically and I'm terribly lonely.

I feel like I've taken the role of mother to a brat or something...I can't even talk to him anymore, share my feelings because he gets so defensive, starts to accuse me of something else to put the focus on him and I'm left feeling empty and devalued. I'm at my wits end.

Do you think he's trying to get me to do the "dirty work" and tell him to get the hell out of my life? He keeps saying we're soul mates...I don't get it.

Of course there is a lot more to my story but long posts can be tedious.
Any thoughts?
 
I doubt it has anything to do with the age difference, I've heard similar stories with the ages flipped. People just start to wear on each other after a while, could be days, weeks, months, years, but eventually it happens. That's why people tell you never to become roommates with a friend, you'll start hating each other real quick. Of course there's sex to relieve tension in a relationship, and feelings of love and such to help you put up with one another, but after a while even that wears thin. I'm assuming you two share a bed, and you said he's a homebody, so I would assume most of his free time during the day has been spent with you as well. So the only time he has to himself would be when he's in his office when he's not busy working.

Of course that doesn't mean he doesn't love you or whatever, after so long together he's probably pretty attached to you, some people just need more alone time than others.The only thing you can really do is stay together and hope the rough patch passes with time, or one of you can break up with the other, spend some time alone, then you'll eventually find someone new, then hopefully things last longer before deteriorating. personally I'd suggest riding it out and just trying to give him space when he needs it. That's all i can think of based on the very little I know about either of you. Probably didn't help, but advice rarely does.

Also, I really doubt he's trying to get you to do the dirty work of breaking up with him, besides the reasons I've already mentioned he could just be going through some stuff and lashing out at you as a result. I can't guarantee it obviously since I don't know him, but it's a possibility.
 
There are several possibilites here.
1. I agree with Deadsun's view that it probably isn't the age difference which is the issue but rather that people can start to wear on another after a while. I have found this happens in friendships as well-at first two people bend over backwards to be agreeable to each other, then after a while things can become similar to the situation you, op, are in. And maybe, as Deadsun has said, he simply needs a bit more time to himself. I know I get stressed and headachy if I feel I have to be 'on' all the time.
2. Or it could be that he is angry about something but is unwilling or too nervous to bring it up and so he gets angry about smaller matters instead.
3. Or maybe he is subconsciously slipping into the 'child' role with you. You wrote that you feel you have taken on the mothering role to a brat, and maybe he is feeling similarly.
 
Actually he has a lot of time alone. We both work from home, we are both homebodies. When he wakes up, he goes into his office and stays there until dinner. He comes up to get food for lunch and we say hello or whatever. I enjoy homemaking so I love cooking, and we agreed I'd do the cooking. But he comes up, eats, stays with me maybe 20 minutes, then back down to his office until 3-4am. I don't think it's an issue of him needing more time unless he truly wants to be single again.

As for the age thing, I think that it's more about maturity than the 20 year difference. He doesn't know how to have a discussion without turning it into an argument where he's insulting, degrading and then finally ignoring me...it's extremely frustrating. He swears at me a lot during arguments and I've asked him not too because it's degrading to me, but he refuses to stop. I've tried all approaches and nothing is working. I'm not an aggressive type at all, if there is a problem, I'm always reluctant to mention it because I don't want to hurt him, so I gently approach things and he automatically gets his back up and makes the whole thing worse. I'm at the point where I just can't approach him. When he has a problem with me, I listen, talk with him about it, then usually apologize and go in for a hug. Lately, he won't accept the apologies because he thinks I'm being insincere and he leaves me hanging wondering what I've done so terribly wrong. This is an example where I feel like a mother with a brat of a child having a tantrum, where I have to bend over backwards to make things right again - even if I'm the one who was initially hurt by him.

I feel as though I'm being played with emotionally, it's a horrible feeling. I feel like at this point, I can't even bring anything up with him because he debates me all the time. Just an example...it's very silly perhaps, we were grocery shopping and he opened up a bottle of soda and drank it before I even paid for it (I take care of the grocery expense)...I tried gently to ask him not to do that because I believe in paying for things before using them. It's a small thing, but I was a little uncomfortable with him doing it. He tried to debate me for 10 minutes on why I was wrong about it so I just gave up. Like I said, it's a small example, but this is the norm for any discussion.

I think that if he's angry about something, I'll never know, he stopped confiding in me months ago and we seem to only talk about current events or movies. I feel like I'd be better off alone again. Very sad...I've been crying all night because he didn't kiss me goodnight like he usually does when he comes to bed late. When I tried to hug him, he pushed me away...I don't know what to do anymore.
 
I actually think it has something to do with the age difference. I use to date an older guy, and I was like you. We were into the same stuff, I was an older soul and liked to stay home. I thought everything was great, but we argued alot. He would boss me around like a parent, or at least it seemed that way to me, and I would get defensive like your boyfriend seems to be getting.


Pike Creek said:
I think that if he's angry about something, I'll never know, he stopped confiding in me months ago and we seem to only talk about current events or movies. I feel like I'd be better off alone again. Very sad...I've been crying all night because he didn't kiss me goodnight like he usually does when he comes to bed late. When I tried to hug him, he pushed me away...I don't know what to do anymore.

If he isn't confiding in you anymore, that is a bad sign. I did this to the guy that was older than me. I would ask what's going on, if he still doesn't tell you, I would tell him you can't do it anymore.
 
Seems to me it's pretty obvious the lines of constructive communication have been closed, not so much by you, but him, and for reasons one can only speculate. Also seems to me he's happy playing the petulant child - my 5-year old son is a master of endless silly debate and just pushing buttons to get effect but that's pretty standard behavior for a kid - not so much a grown adult. I personally wouldn't put up with the games - I would sit him down for a good heart-to-heart, clearly explain the situation as you see it, and hopefully he offers up some answers. If not...well, maybe it's time for some soul-searching and an ultimatum. Do you really want to spend your life playing Mummy to a grown man?

P.S - Welcome to ALL! :)
 
I don't know what to say since I'm not in a position to really give anyone advice. However, I can say that I empathize with you and know how hard it is when you feel like you aren't able to talk to the person you love about how you feel, because their only response is to get mad at you. It's tough because you have a problem, and they won't allow you to address it. I know that it left me torn....I was getting angry at the way they just wouldn't communicate with me, but at the same time, I remember how sweet they used to be to me. So I was in limbo, always torn between wanting to tell them to just go to hell for thinking they could take me for granted, and still loving them for how they used to understand and care about me. It's not easy.
 
I appreciate this discussion very much, thanks.

I've asked him if something was bothering him, he always replies it's nothing and that I'm "inventing" problems in our relationship. For a while I just thought maybe he really is oblivious and has an a-hole personality, but he still loves me etc...denial I think. And when I look back, maybe I acted desperate. I'm sure all those who've been in some kind of similar situation can agree that they want to hold on to the person they love.

But then it gets to a point where it's torture trying to hold on and I feel I'm the one doing all the holding. But he's not giving, nor is he trying to leave me, it's very confusing when he won't tell me.

I definitely don't want to play mom to a grown man...I already have my heart-to-heart in mind, but I have to wait until his mood improves or he'll shut me down right away. I hate these silly games, thanks for your perspective Ringwood. I really took it to heart when he accused me of talking to him like a child. I took some time alone and thought about it and changed my approach, but it still wasn't good enough - then to him I became insincere...there's no pleasing him lately it seems and I'm banging my head (and heart) against a solid wall. To infer that a woman 20 years old than you is acting like a mother figure is very hurtful - at least it is to me.

TheSkaFish, I'm sorry you went through that and you expressed how I feel very eloquently. I do feel torn, but he's the one I need to count on when I'm feeling pain and hurt, and I can't count on him. It's really difficult. I want to give him an ultimatum, but he's so stubborn, he'd rather leave me with regrets than see my perspective.


The reason I said that he would rather leave me with regrets is because we had an incident a year ago, shocked me terribly. I'd just moved in a week prior and he started acting distant with me on the get go. I got the feeling he regretted asking me to move in, so I asked him what was going on. He "replied" with a wall of silence. It was the first time he'd ever acted so cruel to me. No matter what I asked him, he ignored me. I decided I wanted to leave, but my purse was in our bedroom, he had locked the door. I was actually worried, stupid me, thinking he might hurt himself - so I asked desperately to come in, or for him to at least let me know he was okay. Nothing. I started to bang on the door and beg him to open up. Silence again...so partly out of concern and admittedly partly out of frustration and anger I demanded he open the door to give me my purse. When he didn't reply again, I went to the kitchen and got a screwdriver and started to try to punch out the hinges. Not 5 minutes later there was banging at the door.

He CALLED THE POLICE on me. He came out and said I was turning violent, that I'd threatened to ruin his personal property and he wanted them to escort me out of his apartment. I was sincerely shocked...after some talking with the police, they saw my point of view, realized that he was exaggerating the situation and had no cause to call the police. Nor did he have cause to ask them to "take me away" from my own home. They had to explain to him that once I moved my things in, it was my home too, not just his.

Anyway, we spent a horrible night fighting and he said he wanted to break up. At that point I was ready to leave and started to pack my stuff. He came to me and admitted he didn't want me to go, and he felt ashamed that he called the cops because that's what his mother did to him whenever they fought when he was a kid.

Doormat in me forgave, but never forgot. I've tried to let it go, but it's profoundly hurtful. About a half dozen times after that he'd say "if you don't like it, then leave my apartment" whenever we had an argument, so even back then I was unable to voice my opinions and concerns. He always shut them down. I really don't know how we survived together all this time. I'm too forgiving, and like I said above, maybe I felt too desperate. Now I'm too tired of it.

Relationships aren't supposed to be this way, although he would have me believe they are all this way. It's too dramatic, and for months, I thought I was the dramatic one with the high emotions. I never blamed a soul for my emotional pain, but I am blaming him for the hurt he's caused and again, don't know how to get it through to him without him playing the stubborn hateful victim.
 
Those are some pretty big details you left out of the original post. You've been having such big problems with the relationship you should probably just end it. If moving out and finding someone else seems like too much of a hassle, or if you're still too attached then you can try and stay, but I doubt things will get any better if they've been like this for quite a while.
 
Nicolelt said:
I actually think it has something to do with the age difference. I use to date an older guy, and I was like you. We were into the same stuff, I was an older soul and liked to stay home. I thought everything was great, but we argued alot. He would boss me around like a parent, or at least it seemed that way to me, and I would get defensive like your boyfriend seems to be getting.

I have to say I am thinking the same as Nicole. I have been in such a relationship where he was quite a bit older than me. It was nice at first, but over time, although we like some things and all, the level is just different. My therapist told me that at my age, and at his, we cannot see things eye to eye, and even if we think we do, there's always something else conflicting because of the difference in age, and understanding. There were more details about this but it was a long time back and it made a lot of sense to me then.

We had the same goals, we liked the same things, but we don't do it the same way.. and it clashes. He was older, he wanted things done a certain way. I was younger, and although a bit more mature for my age, and got along well with some of his characteristics, we just couldn't see things on the same level most of the time which caused a whole load of arguments.. that just only got worse over time.

Pike Creek said:
He CALLED THE POLICE on me.

I had the same experience, under different circumstances. It got to that point, yes. And it got to an even worse point besides that. If things are so deeply honeysuckle right now? It's gonna take both side, you and him, to want to work it out. If you're the only person doing it, it will never work. Do what is best for you, Pike. He's not going to do that for you, only you can take care of yourself in this situation, right now, it seems. Good luck.
 
I hate to admit it, but I too agree our age causes conflict. We do love the same stuff, like we both love watching movies and documentaries, we love going fishing and hiking, we love living in the country, we have a nice wine collection and we are whiskey lovers, neither of us want kids, we're both kind of loners, had similar upbringings...I mean, the similarities were striking when we met.

Our biggest problem is communication during arguments. I had the heart to heart yesterday and it was awful. I started very quietly because I really was hoping he'd listen this time around...same bs. He starts to debate me down until I finally told him enough was enough and that he needed to shut up and listen to my words. For example, if I say "I feel like you don't hear what I'm saying, If I come to you with a problem, you debate me down until you feel as though you talked me into being wrong"; he asked for an example and I gave him a glaringly obvious one. "If you don't like what I say, you argue and insult until you somehow have it in your head that I'm wrong, if I defend myself, you ignore me and refuse to see my perspective and the problem never gets solved"...his answer was everything I do wrong in a fight, completely dodging the point. So I just stopped and didn't say another word and he says "well, maybe we're not that compatible, maybe we should break up"...he always reverts to this threat. Usually I talk him out of it because I know it's really a threat, but this time I told him if he wanted to leave me, just end the torture and stop stringing me along, that I was tired of the games and heartache and would rather be alone than deal with the emotional turmoil.

This kind of shocked him and he started to quiet down and asked me more questions and I repeated everything I'd just tried to say. This whole process took nearly 4 hours until he finally understood what he was doing. He said he got it, and I asked him very gently to repeat what I'd been complaining about because I didn't just want lip service. He did repeat it and I guess he really did understand it. He said he always thinks that breaking up is easier than fighting. That's a warped way of thinking.

At this point, we are attached financially so even if we did end things, we'd have to live together until xmas at least, it sucks. This is a factor in me trying to work things out because I really can't handle conflict. He's very vindictive and he'd make my life hell I'm sure. But I'm still leery of his intent, so this is my last shot. When I read everything I wrote in these posts, I would give the advice to a woman to just let go and move on. But I guess when the heart is so involved, it's easier said than done.

But life is too short to be crying every day too. The next big heart to heart will be the separation discussion because this last few weeks really changed me. I've already moved some funds around for emergency moving money...it's awful to have to prepare yourself this way, it's like you're dooming your relationship but lack of a backup plan is what forced us both to work things out this time and I hope that's not the only reason we did work it out. He did say he loved me and wanted to be with me always and we had some romance last night...I just don't believe it completely.
 
Life really is too short to spend crying every day. Or just stuck and stunned in a feeling of malaise. This guy sounds like a passive-aggressive jerk and a control freak that enjoys playing games with you. I'm sorry if that comes off as rude, but I hate people that see kindness as weakness, especially after my own experience. You said that several times already you were trying to be caring, but he treated you like a doormat. I hate people who insist that they need to play these push-and-pull games, instead of letting things be pleasant. They just need to have their fights and drama and dominance games.

And the whole wall-of-silence thing. One of the biggest jerk tactics I've ever seen. I hate it so much because it treats you like a non-person. Like you are less than nothing.

I'd leave. This guy sounds like he's causing you more pain than happiness, and you don't have time for that. No one does.
 
TheSkaFish said:
Life really is too short to spend crying every day. Or just stuck and stunned in a feeling of malaise. This guy sounds like a passive-aggressive jerk and a control freak that enjoys playing games with you. I'm sorry if that comes off as rude, but I hate people that see kindness as weakness, especially after my own experience. You said that several times already you were trying to be caring, but he treated you like a doormat. I hate people who insist that they need to play these push-and-pull games, instead of letting things be pleasant. They just need to have their fights and drama and dominance games.

And the whole wall-of-silence thing. One of the biggest jerk tactics I've ever seen. I hate it so much because it treats you like a non-person. Like you are less than nothing.

I'd leave. This guy sounds like he's causing you more pain than happiness, and you don't have time for that. No one does.

Thanks, I appreciate what you've said, and I totally agree with everything. He does play the drama/dominance game. Things are starting to shift - for me. I'm a slow learner I admit and I do put up with too much. But my attitude is getting more confident. Breakups are easier said than done. The financial situation is strained at the moment and that was my biggest motivator to try again, but in so far as the immature games he plays, next time I'm definitely done. And I have to say I'm on my guard now. I'm putting money aside and I'll be ready to go by xmas if things go south again.
 
I've often found that when it gets to having to suggest ultimatums or that someone/thing has to change the relationship is doomed. Expectations aren't met, there's pressure instead of pleasure, and a deadline hanging over someone's head instead of a good time. It's better to cut loose and regain who you are instead of feeling like you've got to compromise who you are....that goes for you and him btw Pike.

It's not easy for sure, I've just had to walk away from something that had the potential to be great, unfortunately I started hearing too much about my other obligations in life and my always putting my daughter as #1 priority. Personally, single isn't that bad, I've been finding that variety has it's definite benefits.

I've read about your indicating the wants/needs/expectations/hopes you have/want in various posts you've made. There's definitely nothing wrong with what you've expressed a desire for, it's gotta be given as well as taken and be of equal value to both. Good luck in what you're searching for, from what you've wrote about your current situation it's not going to be with him despite the similarities you have- there's really no replacement for time served on the Earth in regards to experience and your relationship scales a bit unbalanced in that regard.
 
Hi,
Stonewalling then calling the cops when you needed your purse is a big red flag.
The relationship problems may or may not be because of the age difference but at this point, what does that particular variable matter? Sounds like he's already checked out of the relationship. It also sounds like there have been many small things that you've dealt with, like biting and disrepectful remarks, the silent treatment, etc that you're wondering if it's worth it to stay. Death by a thousand cuts.
It's telling that you're sharing with us on a loneliness forum. In my past relationships, when I felt lonely, it was a sign that the relationship was irreparably broken.
I was very worried about money when I left my ex but it turned out to not be an issue at all, probably because I was financially supporting him more than I realized. Once I had to support only myself, I had a much easier time money-wise. Hopefully that will be true for you too.

-Teresa
 
Thank you for the well wishes, I have a feeling that this won't last the winter...and we had such a nice day today. Went swimming at the beach, fishing at the lake and caught some bass, we had a nice dinner...very lovey dovey, but that's what always happens after people fight I guess. I wish it was always so smooth, but those are unrealistic expectations!

As far as money goes, it's not the monthly income, it's the immediate cash flow that's the problem. Neither of us can afford an expense like a move at the moment. We just moved into a house in the country (renting) two months ago, and it was an expensive move from the city. If I had a grand, I'm sure I would have left already. Once the money is saved though, I'll have more of a backbone to stand my ground. I have to face that monetary reality.

I hate ultimatums too, I feel as though if it gets to that point, the other person will be walking on eggshells and/or resentful and things can't be genuine. I don't know if things will work out this time around, but my lightbulb moment shone very bright to me the last few days, sadly...I wish things could work out. This is the last chance. I want a happy life, not a life of emotional turmoil and drama.
 
I'm sorry you're having to go through all of this. With finances being an issue from you getting free it can't be that easy, even with the rare good day like you you just had. You deserve to be happy and on a drama free relationship. I really hope you get to that point
 
You need to get out of that relationship and away from that man. He is not what he is representing himself to be. And be careful. This advice is coming from an ******* with a bad temper.
 
wolvesjr said:
I'm sorry you're having to go through all of this. With finances being an issue from you getting free it can't be that easy, even with the rare good day like you you just had. You deserve to be happy and on a drama free relationship. I really hope you get to that point

It sure isn't easy!! What's easy is to say leave him now...and yes, that is sound advice, but now isn't always possible and life and reality rolls around and it's very expensive to move again. That's by far not an excuse, just a reality. And thanks, I hope I get to that point too.
 
Pike Creek said:
It sure isn't easy!! What's easy is to say leave him now...and yes, that is sound advice, but now isn't always possible and life and reality rolls around and it's very expensive to move again. That's by far not an excuse, just a reality. And thanks, I hope I get to that point too.

I understand about it being expensive to move. One thing that really frustrates and angers me about life is how all the land in the world is already owned. There isn't anywhere you can go to live that someone else hasn't already claimed, and can therefore bleed you for every last cent you have for living there.

That being said, are there any family or friends you can move in with, even if it's only for a little while? You could try explaining to them your situation and seeing if they can assist you.
 

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