Long distance and sacrifices

Hello everyone

I've been looking for places to share my problem and this is the only place I felt like I had a chance to meet someone with the same problems and maybe some advice too.

I'm a 21-year-old girl who's in a long distance relationship with my American boyfriend. I love him and everything, it's when we're apart that's the problem.

I sacrificed pretty much all my friends because of him. I've spent all my breaks and holidays in America. In the weekends I stayed in and talked to him. No matter how much I'd like to deny it I've just come to the point where I can't help but feel lonely all the time and all I want to do is to have someone to talk to every once in a while.

It's hard to find girls online who wants to chat to another girl and guys are not interested when all I want is a friendship. So I was wondering if you guys knew about any sites where I could be lucky to meet some people, maybe in the same situation as me? Thank you in advance and have a nice day

Kit

Hello, welcome to the site.

Your situation is understandable. Its one of the reasons I'd never really go for a long distance relationship, I think someone would have to eventually move in with the other to even make a real run at a relationship, the back and forth would kill me.

The fact that you lost your friends because you're gone on occasion is strange, maybe they weren't very good friends in the first place. I think you already found a good site to find people you can relate to (this one). There's tons of nice people here who are just up for a chat and a potential friend, including myself.

hello to you.

I was in a long distance relationship only for a few months and it was a terrible disaster. I was ALWAYS lonely, I am the type of person who needs physical contact. I mean, if you're dating and meeting up, getting to know each other, then that's one thing...but progressing into a relationship where you live so far apart...it's disruptive in my opinion. I became paranoid when the texts were ignored or replied to late...I always wondered what he was doing, I felt as though our relationship wasn't real. I couldn't go on a date with him and have a beer at a pub, or even just spend a night cuddling and having sex...it was very difficult and I broke it up because it made me too nervous all the time. I really admire those who can make it work. I think that you can talk to people here, many have tried ldr's so you can maybe get some insight with the folks on this forum.

I am in the same situation as you, except that I do not spend my every waking moment with him or for him. Sure he's on my mind pretty much all of the freakin time, but I also take time to do stuff for myself, to do things with my friends as well as my other family members. You need to find a balance or else, you're going to lose one part, which you have in this case, with your friendships and social life. Sacrifice can be a beautiful thing for your loved one, but when it takes a toll on you accumulatively, it's not right. Sooner or later, Valixy, you're gonna find that you've lost yourself too. Let's hope it won't get there. I've kinda been through that myself, and it was quite difficult for me to find myself again.. but it was a lesson learnt.

I'm here if you wanna talk about it, I'm always open to making new friends on here as well. Feel free to PM me when you like.

The other thing is, you have to be careful about Americans because they can be very self-centered, arrogant, domineering, and ruthless in their personal and business lives. You have to ask yourself is it worth it, or should you hold out for a more mature and gentle partner from your home country or somewhere else.

lonelydoc said:

The other thing is, you have to be careful about Americans because they can be very self-centered, arrogant, domineering, and ruthless in their personal and business lives. You have to ask yourself is it worth it, or should you hold out for a more mature and gentle partner from your home country or somewhere else.

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Get a load of this guy.

Hi Valixy, could you contact your old friends again and reconnect with them? Maybe you could ask your boyfriend to phone/go online to contact you at a set time at the weekend so that you know you are free to see friends and to do your own thing the rest of the time. Maybe you could ask your boyfriend to come to visit you in your country for a change as well, instead of your always going to him.

kamya said:

lonelydoc said:

The other thing is, you have to be careful about Americans because they can be very self-centered, arrogant, domineering, and ruthless in their personal and business lives. You have to ask yourself is it worth it, or should you hold out for a more mature and gentle partner from your home country or somewhere else.

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Get a load of this guy.

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Uh lonelydoc, please be careful with your generalising statements. Not all Americans are the way you describe here. Just because you have had bad experiences with some doesn't make them all the same. I know it might have been a horrifying experience whatever it was for you, but don't lump everyone in the same category because everyone else is different. Nothing to do with where they come from.

I have got awesome American friends, a very good, upfront example is kamya ^ and he is definitely not self-centered, not arrogant, not domineering and not ruthless. He is one of the sweetest people I've ever got the privilege to be friends with. He is definitely mature and can also be gentle.

He isn't the only one though, my brother in law is an American and he's such an awesome dude. He's in a happy marriage with my half sister and has 3 beautiful and intelligent little kids. Not to mention the other American friends I have made from this forum. None of them are like what you speak of. So don't go telling others or giving advice that Americans are like this.

So please, stop with these insulting statements. I am not American, but I certainly feel insulted for I have family and friends who are.

lonelydoc said:

The other thing is, you have to be careful about Americans because they can be very self-centered, arrogant, domineering, and ruthless in their personal and business lives. You have to ask yourself is it worth it, or should you hold out for a more mature and gentle partner from your home country or somewhere else.

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It's naive for you to believe those types can't be found in other parts of the world as well. I've studied and lived there, all I can say is that I do not agree with your statement

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Pike Creek said:

I was in a long distance relationship only for a few months and it was a terrible disaster. I was ALWAYS lonely, I am the type of person who needs physical contact. I mean, if you're dating and meeting up, getting to know each other, then that's one thing...but progressing into a relationship where you live so far apart...it's disruptive in my opinion. I became paranoid when the texts were ignored or replied to late...I always wondered what he was doing, I felt as though our relationship wasn't real. I couldn't go on a date with him and have a beer at a pub, or even just spend a night cuddling and having sex...it was very difficult and I broke it up because it made me too nervous all the time. I really admire those who can make it work. I think that you can talk to people here, many have tried ldr's so you can maybe get some insight with the folks on this forum.

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It's certainly not easy but I was aware of that before I went into the relationship. But the thing is I'm the happiest I've ever been when we're together. There is trust and communication, I try not to overthink cause I know that's what's deadly. I've never met anyone who has treated me with as much affection and respect as he does and I'm not going to trash that because of a temporary factor. I will go back to his country to study soon enough. The situation I'm in now is my own fault.

Hi Valixy and welcome. Remember to take some time for yourself in all of this. Long distance relationships can be difficult and it's easy to become fixated on what time you do spend together at the expense of everything else.

I've been in a couple of long distance relationships, they both really just happened and both times they were quite painful, not being able to hold your partner when they are down and words don't seem to cut it for example. Also for one of my LDR's she was really wanting sex so that was also a huge problem for us.

What concerns me about your situation is that you are isolating yourself, don't give up your friends and actual life for your LDR just as you wouldn't for a normal relationship, remember and I'm not trying to be a downer here but if you two break up you could find it hard to work your way back into your circle of friends again.

I have been there except I didn't have friends to begin with, but in terms of devoting hours online just to chat and not doing things you like to do and then they decide to walk away, it just makes the break up pain even worse.

Aww, I completely understand what you are going through, I'm currently in a ldr with an amazing girl from America, I know what you mean by isolating yourself, we usually end up skyping all day on my days off, if you want somebody to talk to as a friend, I am here

Valixy said:

It's certainly not easy but I was aware of that before I went into the relationship. But the thing is I'm the happiest I've ever been when we're together. There is trust and communication, I try not to overthink cause I know that's what's deadly. I've never met anyone who has treated me with as much affection and respect as he does and I'm not going to trash that because of a temporary factor. I will go back to his country to study soon enough. The situation I'm in now is my own fault.

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He sounds like a good guy, it's unfortunate you have to be apart. My anxiety in my past LDR situation was based on the fact that the guy I was seeing had just recently separated from his wife of many years and I caught him in a lie twice regarding visiting her when he claimed he wanted nothing more to do with her. Trust is so important in these relationships, and overthinking is definitely a killer - I'm guilty of that too.