Loosing my best friend to her boyfriend?

My friend, who's 18, started dating this guy who's 26. She hasn't known him for very long and is already madly in love. When she broke up with her old boyfriend she would ask me to hang out non-stop and I'd give up time to spend time with her. When she got her new boyfriend she stopped and when I needed someone to hang out with she'd say she's busy. I'd later find out she was hanging out with her bf. It really hurts. :/ I tried confronting her about it and she got defensive. So I'm not going to bother her anymore. We used to message each other every day and now I only hear from her like once a week. I'm so bad at making friends and she's the only person I feel comfortable being myself with. These past few weeks have been lonely. Has this happened to anyone else? Do you think she'll come around? I'm not going to message her again until she messages me first because I feel like I'm just bothering her.

Yes, this happened to me. I don't really mind when friends stop hanging out with me because they found partners, if I'm going to be honest, but that does happen and I can see why that would hurt you. Unfortunately people are like this: they place too much importance in romantic relationships and make friendships a safety net for when they are single. It's contextual, of course (obviously a decade long romantic relationship is more important than a week long friendship for example) but I've seen years long friendships being swapped for a couple of months long romantic relationships.

Which isn't okay, really. Friendships are supposed to be as important.

In my opinion, you should try to find a better best friend who won't leave alone once she finds a partner. You are correct in taking a stand against it. I hope everything turns out well for you.

I've learned deep friendships need to be valued, even with a new guy in the picture. Men have come and gone, then come and gone again yet the friendships I have remain. Any friend that is willing to dump you as soon as a guy comes along is taking a risk that you won't be there to lean on when problems come up.

-Teresa

Sure, it happens, and I actually did that to my friends when I was about your friend's age. I was so happy, excited and in love that I only wanted to spend time with him because he made me feel so great. We were like velcro and he neglected his friends too. With time and as things cool down to a normal dating situation, maybe your friend will come back and spend more time with you...that's when you have to decide if she's worth taking back as a friend or not. If so, you might tell her that she wasn't being such a good friend to you, forgetting you like that. She seems so involved with her infatuation/love now that she doesn't realize she's neglecting you probably.

Ymir said:

In my opinion, you should try to find a better best friend who won't leave alone once she finds a partner. You are correct in taking a stand against it. I hope everything turns out well for you.

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I feel this way too. Hope things will work out, eventually.

She makes an attempt to message me sometimes, but all of a sudden she'll just stop replying. I'm really afraid to drop her because I don't want to be alone. All my other close friends have moved away for college, and it's really hard for me to make new friends. Especially ones who are interested in the same things as I am. It's frustrating and it's making me depressed.

I can understand how you must be feeling. It is painful and unfair for you to be dropped when your friend meets someone and then to be picked up again if and when the relationship doesn't work out. She should make time to see you as well, even if it isn't quite as often as when she isn't in a relationship. In your shoes, I would start looking for more friends.

This happens all the time to people.

It's happened to me a fair few times in my teens.

I have a friend who is very like the one you've described in your original post, astraea.

Eventually her relationship with this new guy will lose its lustre and you'll have your best friend back. Until that happens, I would suggest just leaving her to her own devices. Let her make the effort in the meantime.

I hate to sound prudish or judgemental, but what is she doing with a guy who's so much older than her?

lifestream said:

I hate to sound prudish or judgemental, but what is she doing with a guy who's so much older than her?

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I think the same thing. I really don't like him. He flirts with other girls which she is okay with because he says he only does it to promote the stand up comedies he does. I don't buy it. There are a lot of other ways to promote it. I mean flirting? Really? He flirted with my friend who's 16 and said something inappropriate afterwards. I forgot what it was but I remember I was disgusted. I'll admit he's funny and I like the comedies he does, but when it comes to dating nope.

astraea said:

He flirts with other girls which she is okay with because he says he only does it to promote the stand up comedies he does.

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Sounds like a great guy <<---dripping with sarcasm...in any case, people do make their own mistakes too right? I hope it all works out for you and you two can reconnect - with her realizing she can't take you for granted anymore...but if not, and I know it's hard, can you try to get to know someone new and make a new friend? We shouldn't hold on to those who hurt us right? (Advice I rarely take myself!!)

Yikes! He sounds like kind of a creep.

Is this the first time she's dated a guy you've found objectionable or does she tend to go for the wrong guys?

lifestream said:

Yikes! He sounds like kind of a creep.

Is this the first time she's dated a guy you've found objectionable or does she tend to go for the wrong guys?

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No. Her last boyfriend turned into a total jerk. He would try and get her to do things she didn't want to do with him (sex) and when she didn't, he'd get violent and say she didn't love him passionately. She would always say he stressed her out and when I asked why she didn't leave she said she was afraid to be single again because she didn't think she'd find anyone else. She's only 18 for crying out loud! After they broke up she got with the 26 year old about 2 weeks later. Even some of my other friends said they don't approve because they can see her getting hurt in this relationship and I can too. There's nothing I can do about it though. She's fallen head over heels completely. Nothing I say matters.

Oh dear.

This could be a pattern of behaviour for her.

I think all you can do, as she won't listen to any of you, is just to be there waiting to support her and help her when this relationshp ends. It does sound as if it is a pattern for her and she could do with some sort of therapy to help her to break it now, while she is still so young.

This has happened to me in the past, and there's many men who I've dated in the past and it didn't work out between us. My friends are always important to me and always comes first before my boyfriend does. I'm sorry you're friend did this to you and should value you're friendship. If you've already discussed this with her already, I would wait for her to come around. Just tell her how you feel, friendship should be valued and she should be putting you first cause who know how it'll turn out with this guy. Let he know you're feelings when she comes around around. Feel free to send me a message if you need someone to talk too. =)

I just feel so bad because I keep thinking "I hope this relationship doesn't last". She seems so happy right now and all I can think about is when all this is over. What kind of friend am I?

She hasn't been ignoring me completely lately. She still "likes" pretty much all my stuff on Fb, but when it comes to messaging her she only gives me short uninterested responses or none at all. Her excuse is that she's busy, but I know she can't be THAT busy. I just know she's probably chatting with that guy most of the time.

astraea said:

lifestream said:

Yikes! He sounds like kind of a creep.

Is this the first time she's dated a guy you've found objectionable or does she tend to go for the wrong guys?

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No. Her last boyfriend turned into a total jerk. He would try and get her to do things she didn't want to do with him (sex) and when she didn't, he'd get violent and say she didn't love him passionately. She would always say he stressed her out and when I asked why she didn't leave she said she was afraid to be single again because she didn't think she'd find anyone else. She's only 18 for crying out loud! After they broke up she got with the 26 year old about 2 weeks later. Even some of my other friends said they don't approve because they can see her getting hurt in this relationship and I can too. There's nothing I can do about it though. She's fallen head over heels completely. Nothing I say matters.

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WallflowerGirl83 said:

This has happened to me in the past, and there's many men who I've dated in the past and it didn't work out between us. My friends are always important to me and always comes first before my boyfriend does. I'm sorry you're friend did this to you and should value you're friendship. If you've already discussed this with her already, I would wait for her to come around. Just tell her how you feel, friendship should be valued and she should be putting you first cause who know how it'll turn out with this guy. Let he know you're feelings when she comes around around. Feel free to send me a message if you need someone to talk too. =)

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The two quoted posts above are just samples of why I stay out of other people's relationships, even if one or both are friends. I know it's not up to me to decide what is best for either people within their relationship. And the best part about being a friend and being outside of that relationship as it's not yours to be in, is the simple fact that you can choose to not be bothered by it.

And what I mean by that is, you can decide whether or not you would even like to get your hands dirty with it. It's one thing to listen to and offer advice to someone, a friend, a co-worker, but it's something completely different having an actual say in a relationship. You don't have a say in your friend's relationship, so you have that option to take your hand out of the pot. Sure, you can listen to her, give her your best advice. But that's the most you can really do anyway.

Staying out of a relationship that doesn't involve you is the best advice I could ever offer someone, and I offer these words because it's what I do. Sure, I'll listen and offer my best, unbiased opinion and thoughts, but I will never sit there and think that it's my business to get into.

But you have that option. Use it wisely, whether or not you like the guys she's with, and whether or not you approve of the paths she decides to take with each guy.

You should understand that you can't fulfill a person's every need. Despite how you feel about the boyfriend in question, there is something about him that is fulfilling for her.

The aspect with the flirting needs more context to it. Could he be bantering? or whoring around?
In my opinion, it's all fair game until she catches him romancing and/or in bed with someone else. Both of you should chill out.

Myself and just about anyone else I know went through the same sort of thing. The best you can do is choose to care and leave your front door open for them. Unless they go out of their way to completely ignore, alienate, and sabotage your exchanges with other people. Then you really have a problem.

When I asked what she liked about him she said "I finally have someone to drive me around and buy me things unlike my last bf". That doesn't say anything imo. I only posted this because I feel a little hurt that she's saying she has to work or has homework when really she's hanging out with her bf. She doesn't need to lie. That and I'm just worried. I can't even have a normal conversation with her anymore. It all ends with something about him. I went to a party a few weeks ago and was harassed in a sexual way by two guys. I called her about it the next day and she said she couldn't talk. As she was with her bf. We hung out that weekend because she said we could talk more about it then, but nothing about that was mentioned. Everything was about the bf and why I should approve of him more.

To me his flirting is pretty hardcore. I mean going around calling other girls sexy. I've seen him treat some the same as he does my friend, just without the kissing. Since he's a comedian he's pretty outgoing which is the exact opposite of her. She's quiet and somewhat of a pushover. He's way older and has more experience so he can probably see that.