I'm too different (Vent)

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E

Ero

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I don't quite know where to start, so i'll just ramble until my point comes across.
I'm an 18 year old high school senior (final year of school for those unfamiliar), and I've been homeschooled for 4 years, since the 8th grade to be specific.

For most of my life I was a loner, an outcast, I was, well... different. Up until the 6th grade I was blissfully unaware of most of lifes tragedies, shortcomings, downfalls, etc. I was blind to the "adult" world, sheltered. When I was about 12, I met a girl named Brittany. I won't tell the whole story, but I'll condense it. She was a few years older than me. For the following 5 years she would go on to teach me to be mature (emotionally, mentally, etc.), morally just, sexually aware, and so on. She introduced me to pretty much everything I know now, for better or worse. If it weren't for her, I might not have deep trust issues with women, I might not be as adept and outgoing socially, I might not be alive right now, and I definitely would not be the same person I am today.

In that 5 years, I have had dealings with suicidal depression, alcohol, friends killing themselves, watching kids get burnt out on drugs, all out brawls and fist fights with a father who hated me, being cheated on multiple times, cheating multiple times, sexual confusion, getting stabbed in the back by people i trusted, risk of my family breaking apart, deep hatred for the people I live with, coming to terms with death, both for others and myself, loss of most emotions and feelings, the list goes on.

I'm not saying i'm special or different, everybody deals with this stuff. It's life, I understand that. But going through all of it in the span of a few years left me shaken up a bit when things finally settled down not that long ago. I can look at myself a few months back, and I see a completely different person. Most of the time, i'm looking inward, analyzing that honeysuckle. Maybe its self centered to focus on myself so much, but really I just want some sense of self. I feel different now. I can't talk to or hang out with a majority of the people within my age group. Most of my friends are in their mid-late 20's and early 30's, a few are in their 40's, because those are the only people I can relate to. I feel too different from people I used to be able to hang out with. Nobody I know really gets me, none of my friends understand.

I dunno, maybe this is just one of those "join the club" things and everybody has this, but even though i've mostly come to terms with everything, it still eats at me from time to time. And then it gets even worse when I realize.. my life hasn't even started yet. I'm only just now beginning to enter the rest of my life, and it's only going to get harder from here.

I guess that's enough rambling..i kinda feel like i'm complaining, and I know that plenty of people go through much worse, so I feel like I should just keep it all to myself. You know, I don't even think I had a point. But it feels good to vent.
 
Ero said:
I dunno, maybe this is just one of those "join the club" things and everybody has this, but even though i've mostly come to terms with everything, it still eats at me from time to time. And then it gets even worse when I realize.. my life hasn't even started yet. I'm only just now beginning to enter the rest of my life, and it's only going to get harder from here.

Yup. This is exactly one of those things. Just gonna have to get used to it I guess.
 
Not really sure what to say, but you've had a worse life than me. Send me a message some time if you'd like to talk.
 

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