I feel not worthy, not important to others...

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HappyYogi

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I've been thinking about the pain of my life recently and it comes down to this:

I feel very unimportant/worthwhile to others.

And it hurts.

And I don't know why.

Interestingly enough, I've had no trouble finding romantic love in my life. I've had my share of men who love and appreciate me...thank god if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have ANY love at ALL.

But for the life of me I feel no one cares or I am not worthy as a friend, as a social contact, as a family member and it hurts big time.

I've been told I am vivacious, funny, warm, stylish. I love to give to others, give support, kindness, invite them to my meet ups (yes I organize meet ups) but I rarely feel they ever value me in return. I love to create good times for others.

It hurts so much. A person needs many different kinds of relationships, not just a romantic relationship.

I am not sure why this is the way it is. I sometimes think that I am giving off the vibe of not valuing myself so others don't value me in return? Or maybe deep down need approval? (although lately I care less about this, a lot less).

I know it's so hard to put myself out there for a new friend. I'll feel I'll be rejected. I am very insecure about reaching out to a new "friend"!

I wish I could contact a "friendship coach" much like a dating coach to tell me what is happening.

Then I can maybe help myself.
 
It sounds, to me, like you DO need the approval of others. Maybe not in the way of being yourself, but approval in the sense that you are valued, that you are wanted. I've been there, so I know how those feelings can hurt, but I think first you need your own approval. Others can't let you in if you don't let yourself be let in. It also sounds like you are holding yourself back a little bit from forming close relationships with other people, aside from your romantic life.
Keep trying and don't give up and you'll get there.
 
I think most of my life I have sought approval...trying to please others and be "good enough" for them. Only recently has that changed. Now I do not try so hard, I don't give to others who don't give to me. I don't see them as so great. I am not very good at making friends. I love to chat, love to share and help others but I am not good at "hanging out" (not that anyone asks or have the time). I don't know...
 
HappyYogi said:
I love to chat, love to share and help others but I am not good at "hanging out" (not that anyone asks or have the time). I don't know...

Me too... meh.
 
People have said you have so many good qualities that they are probably assuming that you have a big circle of friends. It sounds as though you are coming across as a really great person, kind and caring, busy organising meet ups etc and this can create a smokescreen to hide the lonely and unhappy person inside. (I am not suggesting that you are not a great person, by the way, only that this caring and organised person is not all of you!!) Showing the unhappy and lonely part of you is a risk, but one you could take in gradual small stages. If I went to a meet up organised by someone who was obviously stylish and warm etc, I would probably think that you wouldn't want to know someone messy like me. It would be a big surprise and a relief if you were to open up a bit and tell me that actually things weren't that great in your life. I wouldn't have to worry that you would look down on me for being messy.
 
What Tiina63 said is very possible. It's all about perception, not reality, for animals (including humans).
 
I relate to you're posts in ways, mostly cause there's times where I feel like I'm not important to people for some people or that I'm not worthy to others. I constantly get on myself and feel like I'm a bad person or that I did something wrong. The one thing you should do is try to get comfortable being your own best friend and gain confidence in yourself. It's easier said than done, but it can happen. =)

If you ever need someone to talk too, please send me a message. ~hugs~
 
Maybe you should consider going through an "experimental period." Try to do things normally you wouldn't, things that you think may improve your situation. But you will have to invest time in trying to interact with others, and see how it goes. Maybe you would have more courage going through this project if you you do not take it as a real experience, but as a way to understand better the obsacles you suffer from, and hopefully break them.
 
I can relate to that feeling too. I always feel I'm never enough. - At work, my looks, just everything. Sometimes I don't know why everyone seems to be loved, be cared about... Everyone but me..

I haven't found a solution for it but maybe it helps to see that you're not alone.
 
Yamira, I can relate. At work, there seems to be so much love about that everyone's happy enough that on Friday's they're giving to charities. Fridays to me signal the beginning of a long, hollow weekend. When you dare to ask anyone if they feel similar and they look at you like you just grew three heads. When someone moans that someone else just won't leave them alone to do something or go somewhere, you wish you had one phone call that week. When you hear another weekend plan or jaunt, see another facebook pic family event and know you're for the cinema alone again. I find it insensitive that in work groups, people who obviously live alone have this paraded in front of them constantly without an invite to one of these weekends, or even a coffee at breaktime. Years ago, the community rarely left people out and neighbours looked after the elderly, sick and those living alone. But today's 'me, me, me' culture doesn't care or value the singleton. Actually, I don't have the baggage of the family holidays/pregnancies/lack of sleep/school play emergencies, so maybe singletons could be placed at a higher-valued rank in the workplace. They have more energy and can be far more flexible. And likely are there to climb the ladder, not coast till little Johnny completes year 7. I remember being speechless about one mother who told me that the highlight of her weekend was getting the curtains washed. That's not life! The office should support everyone regardless of status. It's not a 'my wedding/holiday/new pet picture is better than yours' competition. Frankly, when there's so much frenzy, it make me wonder if such people can think outside any box, or are they roped into 'I did this, so I'm brilliant' thinking. Selfies have got to be the ultimate in vanity and if the office is full of them, it makes me want to leave.
 
Blondeblue73 said:
Fridays to me signal the beginning of a long, hollow weekend. When you dare to ask anyone if they feel similar and they look at you like you just grew three heads.
Maybe you should find some hobbies/interests to pursue instead of just having "a long, hollow weekend"? Even people who are alone can have a great time by themselves doing fun things. Or be meeting other people, even if they are strangers, and having a blast.
In fact, being alone gives you plenty of free time to do that. More time than anyone else! The world is such a great place that it's not hard to find amazing things to do, either. For example, going hiking, gardening, learning to cook (or cook new things), knitting & sewing, carpentry & wood-crafting, pottery, going out to dance or to clubs, or even getting a part-time job if you really like to work that much. There are so many things you can do, so why are your weekends so long and hollow?

This might be why some people might see you wearing three heads. Many people wish they had more free time like you do for the things they love to do. And if you're not enjoying that free time then it just seems odd and very foreign to them.
This doesn't require a significant other or even friends to accomplish. It just requires a bit of motivation and a mentality of enjoying the small things in life.

---
On the topic,
I kind of feel the same way. I don't really have any real friends, only a few 'casual friends' that I don't spend any time with outside of certain places (like work). Having a romantic relationship isn't the problem, I just have no one to share my interests except my wife, who doesn't share many of my interests. But I think that's where the similarities end. Many of my interests are, well, I'd honestly have to say a bit eccentric. Others are just uncommon. There genuinely aren't enough people to share my interests or they are too hard to find with and that's a problem that seems a bit more unique to me.

Your problem is something different. As you said, you hold meetups and such. I think Tiina63 may have said it best. Maybe you're coming across as a social-butterfly who doesn't need friends and people are afraid to open up to you.
I wouldn't say you need to open up to them just to hang out with them, but maybe you just need to find someone you might want to hang out with at one of your meetups (or elsewhere) and just ask if they'd like to hang out again sometime. Maybe subtley imply you don't have anything else going on in your life at the moment and that you need a friend.
Maybe nothing more than something like saying, "Would you like to [insert some activity]? I don't have much going on outside of these meetups and I'd love to hang out with you again." Anything along those lines should give them the hint.
And if they reject? Oh well, try someone else!

I'm not really sure about the whole 'validation' thing, but I doubt that is really much of an issue if you've already recognized it.
 
I have plenty of interests. But just try finding someone in the same age gap in their 40s who doesn't have cashflow problems, other commitments (24/7 children usually) to join you during those interests, or are just plain knackered after a weeks work. Join a club or a meetup? Those things are cancelled constantly, believe me, I've tried them, and the reasons are the same as before. And as for working more hours - oh please!

It's not fun knowing you're going to be alone for the next 72 hours, as you have been all week outside of work and will be next week and the next.
 
Blondeblue73 said:
I have plenty of interests. But just try finding someone in the same age gap in their 40s who doesn't have cashflow problems, other commitments (24/7 children usually) to join you during those interests, or are just plain knackered after a weeks work. Join a club or a meetup? Those things are cancelled constantly, believe me, I've tried them, and the reasons are the same as before. And as for working more hours - oh please!

It's not fun knowing you're going to be alone for the next 72 hours, as you have been all week outside of work and will be next week and the next.
I know what you mean, but why is it you feel your weekends are long and hollow even if you're out enjoying them and pursuing hobbies and interests?
I've talked to so many people on this forum that seem to truly believe that to enjoy anything you need to be in a relationship.
Is it lonely? Yeah, sure. But loneliness does not define someone nor their life. It doesn't mean you can't still enjoy what you do have.

And who knows, if you start enjoying what you have then maybe it becomes a little easier to find someone? Other people enjoy it when someone is comfortable in their own right, rather than being dependent. Most people tend to be too busy and preoccupied to deal with a dependent relationship. I know plenty of people who are alone able to still enjoy their time and their lives. They just don't let the loneliness bring them down, and they use their interests to meet new, interesting people.

You don't want another job, so I assume you're able to enjoy your weekends at least a little bit. And that's good! :)
So maybe you should ask yourself why you're really not enjoying life right now? Is it really because you're lonely, or is it because you're just shutting down because you're lonely?
Loneliness can drag you down, but you have to let it drag you down. And when you're already down, you just need to have the hope and strength to get back up again.

In any case, I hope you feel better soon.
 
You're missing the point. I don't enjoy interests all the time if I'm always doing them on my own. Could you spend 24/7 on your own and then have someone call you 'dependent'? I never mentioned wanting to be in a relationship, but with friends.
I'm not letting loneliness bring me down, I am constantly alone and that would be unhealthy for anyone. I don't have the resources to go out and enjoy company. I'm seriously ill, housebound and with very little cash, so socialising is next to impossible. I used to work but now I am alone all day, every day. The flat I live in has paper thin walls, so I can't invite anyone over for fear of annoying my wretched neighbour living underneath.
I didn't want an answer, any advice or patronising judgement, just someone to say how they understood it felt.
 
Blondeblue73 said:
You're missing the point. I don't enjoy interests all the time if I'm always doing them on my own. Could you spend 24/7 on your own and then have someone call you 'dependent'? I never mentioned wanting to be in a relationship, but with friends.
I'm not letting loneliness bring me down, I am constantly alone and that would be unhealthy for anyone. I don't have the resources to go out and enjoy company. I'm seriously ill, housebound and with very little cash, so socialising is next to impossible. I used to work but now I am alone all day, every day. The flat I live in has paper thin walls, so I can't invite anyone over for fear of annoying my wretched neighbour living underneath.
I didn't want an answer, any advice or patronising judgement, just someone to say how they understood it felt.

Hey, I've been reading your posts but I never really know what to say. I mean, I know nothing anyone says can actually make you feel a whole lot better or change your situation but I get you, I may not know what it feels like exactly to be in your position, but I can imagine how lonesome you must feel while you are not exactly in the most advantageous state in life. I might have gone through some moments in my life where I feel like that too, but to have it be constantly the case, every day, for a long time... it does you in. I'm sorry you're going through such a life.. but I hope that one day sooner rather than later, something good happens for you that could change some things in your life and make it just a little bit better. It happens, even if it's just for a short while, we just don't know when or how it will.

Sorry to hear you're ill as well. Hope you're being treated in the best way possible. Get well soon, Blondeblue.
 

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