Friends, defined by their interactions

One thing that's been on my mind now and then, is how you can have a lot of people around you, but still feel you're missing out socially. You meet people at work or school every day, but they are not your friends. You could be in a sports club or similar, and be on good terms with people there. So much that you'll be saying hi if you pass each other on the street, but they still won't be your friends. The essence here, is that "forced interactions" never create friendships automatically even though they bring people together. There will always be a social barrier in place. You don't spend your spare time with a coworker. You don't invite a fellow student home, for working on a project or watching a movie. You don't all eat together after finishing a training session, everyone goes home to his/her own place right after.

With forced interactions, I mean interactions that are NOT controlled and managed from within the group of people you are actually hanging around. Examples of this is the office at work, the waiting line for the bus, lectures at school, sport club training sessions, attending religious ceremonies..

Voluntary interactions though, that's when a person within a group of people take initiative for something, and the initiative is followed up by the group. Examples of initiatives being hikes, weekend trips, restaurant visits, movie-nights, frisbee, football, helping someone within the group move to a new place, or going jogging.. In short, the interactions are managed and handled by the people in the group.

In my opinion, what defines friendships, is voluntarily spending time together, doing a variety of activities. That is, the only really common feature of the interactions happening within a group, is the people within it arranging them. It's NOT about poker night or jogging every Tuesday morning. It's a group of people that enjoy spending time together, who decided that playing poker together would be fun. The next time, the same people might meet up and play basket ball. The group is the center of revolution in a sense. The people is what matters.

...

So this is my advice to people wanting proper friendships. Be aware of this dynamic, and try finding acceptance in a "voluntarily interacting group" instead of trying to transition from acquaintance to friend. The latter is possible, but takes lots of time and social skills.

Unless you are content with only having the same friends for the rest of your life, the time and effort it takes to make new friends is worth it. You should always try to expand your horizons and friend base. Even with the forced interactions, chances are good, if you work at it, have the right attitude about it and have something in common, that you will gain at least one new friend. I made friends at every job I've had, my most recent (although a work at home job), I've made some really good friends.

Nothing worth having is easy and if you don't take a risk, you'll never have anything.

I hope your definition is incorrect. Otherwise I probably don't have any friends. Not even online. Haven't had one for a long time.

There is a huge difference between having a good friend and co-dependency ( clingy-ness) because you feel you have no friends.

Growing up, most of us had a good childhood friend we spent most of our spare time with, out of school. Doing lots of different things. As we grow older, having that friend for the same amount of time becomes difficult, if not impossible - they have their own life, circle of friends, and usually, an SO. People who still have the same childhood "best friend" do so because they have grown together, and apart, with a mutual understanding that is inherent - a natural progression devoid of co-dependency. To expect this person to be your shadow for all of your activities and time beckons a co-dependency issue. As an adult, even more so.

I have a very good friend (13 years and counting), and I'm lucky if I see her maybe once a year in person (she lives far away). However, when we are together in person, we pick right up again. no matter how long it has been.

Having acquaintances during activities is beneficial, and should not be viewed as a rejection of friendship should they only remain as the former. Getting out and being social is far more important, if you feel the need to do so.

TheRealCallie said:

Even with the forced interactions, chances are good, if you work at it, have the right attitude about it and have something in common, that you will gain at least one new friend. I made friends at every job I've had, my most recent (although a work at home job), I've made some really good friends.

Click to expand...

I was a bit simplistic in my first post. But we're talking about the same thing I think. You can cross that "acquaintance barrier" with coworkers, fellow students, etc. But you'll have to take a risk and reach out, and you will usually need a common platform to start from.

If you would care to share, how did you make those acquaintance to friend transitions though? Maybe you have some pointers for the rest of us.

TheRealCallie said:

Nothing worth having is easy and if you don't take a risk, you'll never have anything.

Click to expand...

Indeed.

---

Aqualonde said:

I hope your definition is incorrect. Otherwise I probably don't have any friends. Not even online. Haven't had one for a long time.

Click to expand...

I'd say online friends are quite close the "real friends". If you choose to communicate together, play games together, etc, then you're managing interactions from within a group. Even if it's a group of only two people as if often case in online friendships.

And why do you hope my definition is incorrect? A definition does not change reality. You're free to disagree on it though, obviously.

Thanks for commenting.

---

ABrokenMan said:

...

Having acquaintances during activities is beneficial, and should not be viewed as a rejection of friendship should they only remain as the former. Getting out and being social is far more important, if you feel the need to do so.

Click to expand...

Having many acquaintances is fine, but IMO having at least a few "proper" friends is what really counts. The best is obviously a good mix. Most people have it that way, which is why they don't reach out at work. They don't need to.

Thanks for commenting. You made a good point there.

If you got meet ups and groups chances are you'll make some friends with the people more often than not if you're willing to break the ice and get chatting. Though one thing which I have honestly rarely found with making friends is that it is normally me doing the initiation to suggest something to a friend like hanging out or whatever. Usually it just coincides with meeting with the group of people at the same event, sports club etc. I'd be honestly surprised if someone I was getting to know messaged me out of the blue.

I'm lucky to have a couple of very good friends one I would say is my best friend I've known him for about 14 years or so now. We live about 2 hours from each other before it was a 15 minute walk. I just wish I had time back when me and my pal could just meet and chill out whenever we wanted. As said before here as you get older, your own responsibilities come first and its hard to get time toether to meet.

Oh I think I know what you mean. I usually just have acquaintances. I had a group, but I moved to Quebec recently, so I don't see them often. Now I sort of drift between groups of acquaintances where I live, not having "the one." I think it's because I don't spend enough time with them. I don't know how to though.