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ladyforsaken

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I was writing a diary post when I wondered if anyone has been through what I'm going through right now.

Basically, loneliness has never been a bother to me. I embrace being alone, I embrace feeling lonely. I'm an anti-social most of the time but I do love spending time with special people, people who are close to me, people I love. But I think I'd still need a certain amount of time to be on my own. (In fact, I think this is pretty normal.)

Recently though, I find myself saying in my head "god I feel so lonely" or "I'm so lonely tonight". I have never felt like this before - like a dire need for someone to be around at those particular times.

This is crazy. What's happening to me?

Has anyone ever gone through something like this? Why is this happening? What do I do? Is it just temporary? Will it go away and I'll have my old self back? What's going on with me? :(

Lately I've been through a rollercoaster of emotions I have no idea how to deal with. Right now I'm just pushing through and doing what I can to keep going. It's not like I've never been through rollercoasters of emotions before... so I don't think this could be the reason why loneliness is bothering me now. Sigh...
 
i certainly do feel for you...i'm not going through what you are but have been there somewhat from time to time...i just rode it out and if it lingered i forced myself to be more proactive and do 'something' positive for myself and/or others...i am a very social person so if i get into a 'funk' for lack of a better term i try to think of others and do for others who may be in a darker place than i am...hope you cheer up soon and try to keep your chin up :)
 
It took me a long time to feel "numb" from loneliness. It started, interesting enough, when I became a teenager, and expectations for myself became more focused.
There was a period during my entire 20s & 30s where it didn't bother me or weigh down on my psyche.
As I've grown older, and the scant few relationship chances failed, it behaves otherwise.
When loneliness is the only one that wants "you", it is difficult the change your thinking.
For me, lately, it has been all consuming this year.
You've got my sympathy, ladyforsaken. I can offer a virtual (((hug))) if it helps!
 
I enjoy my 'loneliness' but there are times I need someone close to feel fulfilled, or someone I know will stand beside me whatever. I'm not sure if it's something similar to what you are experiencing at the moment. Are you still looking for a job Lady? When solitude or isolation is the only option or forced upon me everything seem much harder and gloomy. In such times feeling low is transient though, I think. Anyway, while giving so much as you do, it's obvious you need some support at times too. It so easy to forget you're a human too. Rambling, but xxx
 
Perhaps lately you have become less antisocial? or maybe the rollercoasters were too many and now you need more support, or maybe the difference is that now you believe that external support is possible while before you had adapted to "make do" by yourself?
Maybe it's not all bad, because it's no so bad to have someone around if they are right for you, and now you have the impulse to go find them :) while before you didn't have it.
But yeah, in the meanwhile there is the all-consuming loneliness…

Well, everyone knows how I feel about that.
 
I've always been a loner... I liked being alone... There are time I would like some company but in most cases, I'm pretty happy with being by myself... So I guess I'm a lot like you, though at a different degrees... I haven't really felt dire need for company, though... It's more of boredom than anything else for me... Whatever it is that you're going through, hope you can get through it...
 
I've had both sets of feelings too.

The loneliness hurt me for years, but now it doesn't bother me and if it does it's rare.

I'm sure you will start to feel your old self again soon.
 
I've always been a lonely person. I'm actually currently going through what you are right now (I think)
I think it hit its worst around three years ago, but since then, I started getting used to it a bit more. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice as I'm still trying to find out myself. Best of luck though. :)
 
I have had a similar switch from satisfied solitude to aching loneliness, LadyF.

All my life, I have been an introvert who enjoyed my solitary time of regeneration by reading, doing hobbies, listening to music, etc. Then, I got married, and I had to adjust to a different paradigm; Having someone in my bed every night as I slept, seeing her every morning, texting and calling her when I was away, and finding the balance between "couples time" and "private time," were all so completely different from the early years that it changed me deep inside.

Then, I divorced, and the proverbial carpet was pulled out from under me. I understood that, during my marriage, I relied on the closeness of having another person in my life to the point where I had forgotten how to be alone. So, when I was alone again, I stumbled. I missed the relationship to the point where I took it harder than I expected. I missed the daily feeling of connection, warmth, and kindness, of my marriage, and I haven't found anything to match it since. This has lead to a roller-coaster of loneliness ever since.

I wish I was that content little introvert I was prior to my marriage because (theoretically) maybe I could handle my life better these days. But I still crave human touch, a kind heart, an understanding smile, the daily relationship ritual, and I do what I can to cope with a life without these things and hope that one day I will find someone who appreciates me and who I can love completely.

In a way, I am suffering from starvation of the heart. I'm not sure if this is a help or simply a rant, but at least it's honest. :)
 
It is certainly normal to have your "you" time. And I like to have my own time to do things I want to without anybody else. I guess I've sort of gotten used to be lonely, I spend nearly all my time by my self. Mostly I'm just bored and don't know what to do with myself, so I'd rather be with someone. But, I'm only nineteen, so I have a long time to change, and perhaps experience these feelings you (And others) are. Sorry that I don't have any advice, but I guess just keep strong. Hope you feel better soon. :)
 
I think nearly everyone, regardless of if they actually like being alone for the most part, need to feel some compassion from time to time. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. We're human, after all.

I hope you feel better soon. (hugs)
 
Thank you for all your replies: DVEEUS, ABrokenMan, rivermaze (nice to see you around here again), Peaches, sk66rc, LonesomeLoner, Mr Seal, Case, Omnipotent Soul, and Nilla.

There are so many kind people here, sometimes I forget this one reason out of a few of why I'm on this forum and why I'm still here. That reason being that it's nice to be around good and kind people, I like it. Big warm hugs to all of you. Even to those who read my post but didn't post anything. I still appreciate the eyes lent.

Before I say anything else, I'd just like to answer some questions.

rivermaze said:
Are you still looking for a job Lady?

Yes, I'm still looking. I'd go into great detail of my past few months looking for a job, only to waste my time and then only to find how much more difficult it is to get one single interview. I think it's mostly because I'm overqualified for the jobs I'm applying for. I have no desire to do anything more or anything at my level of qualification. I'll leave it at this for now.

Peaches said:
Perhaps lately you have become less antisocial? or maybe the rollercoasters were too many and now you need more support, or maybe the difference is that now you believe that external support is possible while before you had adapted to "make do" by yourself?

Lovely Peaches, you've been there for me right from the beginning. I love you for that, you know.

I think I was trying to be more available for socialising to take place because I was trying to change what I was feeling and I think, I figured if more people come talk to me, things will get better. Not really though, that's not the right solution because it was going against my person, this person within me who is not very sociable, and it turned me into someone I'm not and I really am so ashamed of it. I'll explain why in a bit.

I don't honestly know if this is the worst rollercoaster ride of emotions I've ever experienced in my life. It's hard to tell anymore. Maybe cos I can't really compare? Can't compare it to when my father passed away. Can't compare it to when I hear news of my diagnosis. Can't compare it to an abusive relationship. Cos they're all varying degrees of pain and hurt I had to endure and go through. But I guess this one is different because there are a variety of things occurring all at the same time. I don't feel overwhelmed, I just feel.. off.

---------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, I was going to explain something earlier. Trying to deal with all that's going on in my life right now kinda brought back some of the depression. But I don't want it. I want it to go away. I want to actively get rid of it so I guess, in my own head I am trying to do different things to get rid of it. One of them was what I said, making myself more available for social contact. Forcing myself to be okay, is another - putting up a positive front when all I think is mostly negative.

Allowing more social contact and forcing myself to be all okay only deprived me of healing, I guess. It's obvious, even I would say it if it was happening to someone else. I'm not doing the right things, I'm not doing it the right way.

The more I try to be okay, the more lonely I feel.. it's ironic but I see it. I see why, now. I don't quite know how to explain it, but it's something like depriving my anti-social soul of being anti-social, that it just came out even more in the form of feeling extremely lonely - not as part of me or my companion, but as an emotion of feeling lonely, which is feeling so foreign to me now because I am detached from my own person, my own soul.
If that makes any sense at all.

This basically means, in simpler words - I lost myself. And so that happened, I start being a bit too much.. and I realise that I might have hurt or annoyed or pressured some people I truly care about along the way. This isn't how I am. I'm not this annoying girl who gets in people's faces and pressures them. I'm not this girl who creates 3 different threads in a day, 2 of which are diary posts. I'm not this girl to spam at least 2 pages worth of the game threads. Today, I realised, that in doing something like that means something is totally wrong with me.

So I need to crawl back into my shell. So I can come back to solitude and loneliness and re-attach to them so that I won't feel so lonely anymore, or so that this feeling won't be so foreign to me, so that being alone would feel okay, and more importantly, so that I don't hurt the people I truly love and care for around me because I don't want to drive them away - like I have been doing in the past.

So with this stupidly long post, I apologise to whoever has felt any bad feeling from me, any weirdness, awkwardness, annoyance, pressure or whatever there is, you name it. And please don't get offended if I don't reply to PMs just yet.. I think I need some time.

Edit: Also, thank you to those who have talked to me and been there for me all this while. I deeply appreciate it, more than you know.
 
Dear, in the short time I've known you, I've seen you as someone very kind. Glad to hear, at least, that you're looking to try to get over it too. A willingness to continue fighting it, I've heard, is the first step to getting through it. While I don't know how to beat it completely, I wish you all the best and good luck. :) *returns hug*
 
I am severely depressed myself. I know I've suffered with it for nearly all of my teen / adult life. i used to be able to drag it along and not have it affect me deeply, or to the point of just shutting down from just about everything - like I have right now.

I question so many things. My mind just will not stop -booze or other non poisionous activities I enjoy do absolutely nothing for me. I just sit / lie and sort of veg out almost like I was in a catatonic state. I hope I'll get so frustrated with it all that I can shake myself out of it. I've been able to do so in the past. however, with the holiday season fast approaching, I fear I'll be no better off than I feel today :(
And suffering from an incurable auto-immune disease only adds gasoline to the situation. Physical and mentally, I feel like a pile of cow dung. Ditto for my self worth.

ALL is really the only on-line place I visit now on a regular daily basis - so many people hurting. You guys and gals are the only people who really understand, I have just a couple of close friends - one has been begging me to open up, but I keep pushing her away. I don't want to hear the cliches or blames. I just want someone - to listen and not for once judge me. I guess that is too much to ask?

You are one inspiring woman, ladyforsaken. I've read mostly all of your thread replies, etc, as I do others, because I can't sleep. I hope you won't disappear for any length of time from ALL. You are one of my virtual strongholds.
 
ladyforsaken said:
Has anyone ever gone through something like this? Is it just temporary? Will it go away and I'll have my old self back?

I did read your entire thread

Well, I am not sure what to say because there have been many good replies by others so far and most of what I would have said has already been said, it's good to know that there are really good people out here.

Anyway, I would like to tell my point here.

Yes, I enjoy my solitude and I never had a problem being alone but I do understand what you're saying and even I get that feeling of being lonely .Many times even I wish that I had someone in my life but this feeling only lasts from a few seconds to a few minutes,rarely at times a few hours to the most, that's all , it never lasts very long and then I am back to my old self so it's never too much to handle for me and yes the point I am making here is this feeling is just temporary.

By the way you have mentioned in your thread ,I am sure it's hard for you right now but I am also sure it's temporary and it will certainly go away. I don't think it's serious, it will pass and you need not worry about it, that's my view.

I am sure you'll be able to deal with it. I am sure it will get better for. I really hope so. Good luck, lady.

That's all from me.
 
Yes I feel this way. Here is my best guess. From about 1-24 or so I was always with my parents and family and I couldn't get away from them. I had built up sort of an anti loneliness and reserve of that. So from 24 to 40 I had very little loneliness and drew on my anti loneliness reserve to plug the holes. But now, at 43 or so, it is evening out. And I am starting to run dry on the reserve.
 
sometimes a shell is all we need

126734176983852689ai7tfejxc.jpg
 
Peaches, that's a lot prettier shell than what I have. I want that.

Thanks Mr Seal, for you kind kind words.

ABrokenMan, that's really sweet of you to say. I'm really sorry you're going through all that, wish I could do more to help you. You could try talking about it more here on the forum, if it helps. I'm sure there are some people who can relate in one way or another.

Sun35, thank you for taking the time to reply. But I think how you feel about solitude or loneliness is a little different from how I feel it, and especially in this case. Yeah feeling lonely will be temporary for me because if I go back to being my true self, I'd still be lonely but it won't be a problem cos I'm totally fine with it. I think I'm calming down a little now. Well, it may not sound serious in the way I put it, but it really is, at the moment.

See, this is what I was just pondering about last night. People see me a certain way, even on here, that even my issues that I talk about seem like as though I can handle them so easily or that they are not important. People always forget, that, goddammit I am human too. Too bad, but it's true. And this time, I've hit rock bottom a lot lately. But of course no one would believe me.

LonelySutton, that's quite something there. I can only imagine the different phases you go through in life noting how things are in that manner. I hope you're okay.. I hope you'll be okay.
 
rivermaze said:
I enjoy my 'loneliness' but there are times I need someone close to feel fulfilled, or someone I know will stand beside me whatever. I'm not sure if it's something similar to what you are experiencing at the moment. Are you still looking for a job Lady? When solitude or isolation is the only option or forced upon me everything seem much harder and gloomy. In such times feeling low is transient though, I think. Anyway, while giving so much as you do, it's obvious you need some support at times too. It so easy to forget you're a human too. Rambling, but xxx

Hi rivermaze i tried to respond your priv msj but you are blocked to recive.

I just see your msj, im fine i hope you too.
 
I wouldn't say I enjoy or embrace my solitude, but over the years I have grown quite used to it. Both in my youth, and through adulthood I've moved quite frequently, and haven't had many friendships that have lasted more then a couple years. I think, because of this, I've just kinda grown into an anti social person and don't really reach out or try much to meet no people anymore. I do have periods where I just get depressed and feel exceptionally alone also, so I know how you feel there. It was one of those moments that prompted the search that lead me to this site a few weeks ago. I wish I could offer some assistance on how to deal with and move past it, but I haven't really figured it out myself at this point...I pretty much just muddle through and let time pass. I hope you are able to find something that works for you.


-bows-


ladyforsaken said:
I was writing a diary post when I wondered if anyone has been through what I'm going through right now.

Basically, loneliness has never been a bother to me. I embrace being alone, I embrace feeling lonely. I'm an anti-social most of the time but I do love spending time with special people, people who are close to me, people I love. But I think I'd still need a certain amount of time to be on my own. (In fact, I think this is pretty normal.)

Recently though, I find myself saying in my head "god I feel so lonely" or "I'm so lonely tonight". I have never felt like this before - like a dire need for someone to be around at those particular times.

This is crazy. What's happening to me?

Has anyone ever gone through something like this? Why is this happening? What do I do? Is it just temporary? Will it go away and I'll have my old self back? What's going on with me? :(

Lately I've been through a rollercoaster of emotions I have no idea how to deal with. Right now I'm just pushing through and doing what I can to keep going. It's not like I've never been through rollercoasters of emotions before... so I don't think this could be the reason why loneliness is bothering me now. Sigh...
 

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