How to Relate to People When You Have no Interests?

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MisunderstoodVacancy

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This is kind of embarrassing but I feel like I can't really connect with anyone because I never have enough of anything I feel prepared or comfortable enough to talk about. I just have a hard time really getting interested in much of anything really. I'd like to have more interests and develop myself more but most of the time I just don't. Like I don't like sports or play video games or watch TV shows or movies much and the main reason for that I guess is poor attention span and not being able to keep my mind on things. I find it hard to really explain what I spend time doing other than mucking around on the internet, being depressed, and letting time pass. I sort of like reading but I still struggle to get myself to do it outside of school. I used to think I was into writing stories but I can never motivate myself to write anything. I'd like to try acting but I don't know how I'd do that. I like to run sometimes. I like music alot, especially hard rock or metal concerts, but I don't know enough about music or different bands to really engage in conversation with people who are into that, mainly because I also go through long periods where I don't really care about music. I have no real significant knowledge about anything. I graduated college but don't really feel qualified to enter the real world and don't have most of the experiences other people my age do. I haven't even been able to find a long term job yet. I just wish I was more developed as person or that I liked or was interested in more things so that I could relate to people and have meaningful conversations. I hate not having interests or not being passionate about anything but I'm not really sure how to fix that. I dislike feeling like I have perpetually nothing to say or contribute to anyone and not wanting to talk to anyone because I'm convinced they will probably judge me for being a nothing. It's like I want to like and be passionate about things but anything that requires conscious attention or careful thought just feels like a drag and too much work. I think I am an idiot and my brain doesn't work well and that I'm incapable of normal human interaction. I want to read more and listen to more good music I like but I struggle to commit myself to these things even though I supposedly enjoy them. I just want to enjoy things and feel less like a vacant apathetic drone. And basically any topic of conversation possible reminds me of how pathetically undeveloped I am as a person and makes me feel inadequate or bad about myself that I can't contribute anything that's not senseless incoherent babbling of an idiotic fool. I just want to feel like a real person and feel interesting and have a rewarding life and feel intelligent and able to hold a conversation. Right now I feel like a ghost of a real person and all I can do is avoid people in shame. How does one go about becoming a better person and developing themselves at such a late stage of life? I'm not old but I feel like I've wasted most of my youth when I could have been developing myself and that I lack the experience and have become disconnected and unable to relate to people my age. I really would like to be better friends with someone if I ever felt able to contribute enough to the friendship conversing.
 
MisunderstoodVacancy said:
This is kind of embarrassing but I feel like I can't really connect with anyone because I never have enough of anything I feel prepared or comfortable enough to talk about. I just have a hard time really getting interested in much of anything really. I'd like to have more interests and develop myself more but most of the time I just don't. Like I don't like sports or play video games or watch TV shows or movies much and the main reason for that I guess is poor attention span and not being able to keep my mind on things. I find it hard to really explain what I spend time doing other than mucking around on the internet, being depressed, and letting time pass. I sort of like reading but I still struggle to get myself to do it outside of school. I used to think I was into writing stories but I can never motivate myself to write anything. I'd like to try acting but I don't know how I'd do that. I like to run sometimes. I like music alot, especially hard rock or metal concerts, but I don't know enough about music or different bands to really engage in conversation with people who are into that, mainly because I also go through long periods where I don't really care about music. I have no real significant knowledge about anything. I graduated college but don't really feel qualified to enter the real world and don't have most of the experiences other people my age do. I haven't even been able to find a long term job yet. I just wish I was more developed as person or that I liked or was interested in more things so that I could relate to people and have meaningful conversations. I hate not having interests or not being passionate about anything but I'm not really sure how to fix that. I dislike feeling like I have perpetually nothing to say or contribute to anyone and not wanting to talk to anyone because I'm convinced they will probably judge me for being a nothing. It's like I want to like and be passionate about things but anything that requires conscious attention or careful thought just feels like a drag and too much work. I think I am an idiot and my brain doesn't work well and that I'm incapable of normal human interaction. I want to read more and listen to more good music I like but I struggle to commit myself to these things even though I supposedly enjoy them. I just want to enjoy things and feel less like a vacant apathetic drone. And basically any topic of conversation possible reminds me of how pathetically undeveloped I am as a person and makes me feel inadequate or bad about myself that I can't contribute anything that's not senseless incoherent babbling of an idiotic fool. I just want to feel like a real person and feel interesting and have a rewarding life and feel intelligent and able to hold a conversation. Right now I feel like a ghost of a real person and all I can do is avoid people in shame. How does one go about becoming a better person and developing themselves at such a late stage of life? I'm not old but I feel like I've wasted most of my youth when I could have been developing myself and that I lack the experience and have become disconnected and unable to relate to people my age. I really would like to be better friends with someone if I ever felt able to contribute enough to the friendship conversing.

I used to feel like I had this same problem. I found some great advice that I think really helped me and its quite simple. Ask the person you are talking to questions and get them talking. People love to talk about themselves, heck you can really have an hour long "conversation" with someone and barely utter a word! All you need to do is appear personable and engaging. If you practice this enough you will eventually get better and better and be able to feel more of apart of the conversation yourself.
 
Wow....that sounds like you read my mind. I'm feeling pretty much the exact same way now, and I have been for years. I'm 28 now, and I'd say I've felt this way pretty much all my life. Just not knowing what to say. I too am searching for meaningful conversation but am also feeling like it's hard to find. Also, that's mostly what I do with my days - muck around on the Internet, be depressed, and let time pass. Like you I'm also interested in reading and writing and music but I haven't been trying too hard at those things because I need to shake this feeling that it's too late to get any better at them than being a mere hobbyist instead of actually getting good and really creating something. Occasionally I will meet interesting people online who share some of my interests and we'll be able to talk for a while but eventually it always peeters out. We'll talk about common interests and dreams for a while, but eventually we exhaust those topics and the conversations always peeter out because I haven't been doing anything with my life, so we run out of anything new to discuss. I hate that my connections with anyone new ALWAYS turn out that exact same way, and it's my own fault too. I keep kicking myself because I've met some really interesting people online, particularly some really interesting girls that seemed like exactly who I'd always been searching and hoping to meet, who I could have had something good going with if only I had been making some progress and constantly having something new and exciting to share with them and keep them interested in talking to me.

I too also feel unqualified to enter the real world, though I've graduated college. Unfortunately for me, I couldn't be any less interested in my degree either....it's in business, and I fear that going back to the business environment will only further cement my destiny as being a boring, meaningless ghost of a person like you said.

I think what you and me both have is a mild form of depression. I don't think it's a chemical imbalance, but rather the result of years and years of bad habits and bad routines which lead us to procrastinate and waste time. And then we wind up believing that we can't do anything but waste time. What I'm trying to do is just get some momentum by doing the smallest thing in the right direction first. Then I do the next smallest thing, and so on and so forth. I wish you luck in getting out of this pit. I don't think it's too late, but it is going to take a little effort. It's going to take venturing outside of your comfort zone, it's going to take a little drive. I know if I'm not careful I could spend a day easily sleeping in and just sitting here on the Internet looking at pictures of cars or going on YouTube and watching Grand Theft Auto videos or episodes of some shows I like over and over, or listening to the same music over and over, and so on. I know it's a rut and I know that doing these things over and over again is exactly why I'm boring, that I'm doing it to myself - but it's so comfortable to just do nothing. Still, if at the end of my life I've done nothing, I'll have only myself to blame. I try to remember that I could be as interesting and successful as anyone.

So maybe to start with, clean your workspace. Then try to get through your day by making yourself do the smallest thing towards the thing you want. Then the next smallest thing. And so on. I'm talking to myself here as much as to you or anyone. I really want to get out of this rut, start having a richer identity, start having more to show for myself. I want to start being the interesting, exciting, passionate person I've always daydreamed I could be.

I know I personally feel that I do have interests, but I'm just discouraged from them because I'm kind of intimidated by them. Again I'd say the trick is to just do the smallest thing to move forward and keep going. I'll bet you have interests too. You mentioned writing stories, maybe try to get back into that again. Just a little bit per day.
 
I am in the same situation as you and TheSkaFish. I don't really have much to say as I don't do much. I just find everything so boring, and although I have also "graduated" college. It's not really the same thing here in the United Kingdom as it is in the United States of America. But I still don't feel worthy of work. I can't do anything much for myself. And I need to be able to work independently, but if I don't know what to do I just freeze and I just can't seem to do it. I don't know what's wrong with me. :(
 
If you get nothing more out of my message, remember this: There's no shame in wanting to learn about someone else's experiences. As jayme89 says, people like talking about themselves, so if you have nothing to contribute, get people to talk about their interests. Maybe you will find that you have an interest in common.

My recommendation for you is to write a list of the things you like. If you click onto a website, that goes on the list. If you have a favorite type of music, or food, or movie, or book, or memory, put it all down on the list. Write down positive emotions you get when do things. This is only for the things you like. Leave the things you don't like for another time. When you have a list, start building and expanding on your knowledge of these interests.

Flip your thinking from worrying about how little you know to how much you know, and build your list from there. You may be surprised that you like more things that you first thought.

If you have a deeper problem with being interested in anything, this may be an issue for a doctor to solve.
 
I'd like to read the original post, but no paragraphing.

What's happened to people, didn't you guys learn to paragraph in school?
Or "is our schools failing"? (Bush reference)

On a footnote, you want to develop your interests, read more. (teasing, but to a degree lol)
 
Not everyone plays videogames, but everyone experiences life. Everyone hears about events. Everyone sees the world around them and forms opinions on it.
 
Not everyone plays videogames, but everyone experiences life. Everyone hears about events. Everyone sees the world around them and forms opinions on it.

This is pretty much what I was going to say. You can talk about past experiences too. Everyone has unique story and way to tell it.
 
It's never too late to develop yourself. Age has nothing to do with it. My suggestion would be, choose something that you have been wanting to try out when you were younger and never did. See how it goes ;)
 
I want to draw your attention to something you said.

"I can't contribute anything that's not senseless incoherent babbling of an idiotic fool."

Thats a thought you have, its a symptom of depression, theyre automatic negative thoughts that come with depression. Another symptom of depression is loss of interest in things because it feels like its meaningless to try something beacuse the depression is constantly whispering negative thoughts like that in your head. The key is to fight those thoughts by replacing them with something more positive. What im talking about is CBT its cognitive behavioral therapy and its very effective in treating depression and anxiety.

From what i can tell from what you posted youre definitely depressed which feeds into the loss of interest which in turn feeds the depression. Thats how it all works, its a circle sort of and we get trapped in it. I would suggest before you focus on trying to find hobbies and things, go see a doctor or a counselor and figure out about treating your depression. Then you might be able to find and keep interest in things. I have this sometimes the loss of interest in things and its really really horrible and im sorry you go through that.

Im not trying to talk like a psychologist or something here lol, i may be completely off base but this is what really jumped out at me from studying this through the years from my own sittuation. Also my wife is like what you had described where youll want to try about a billion different things and can only do it for a little while before you lose interest. In her case she has ADD, so thats a possibility too you may have some form of attention disorder. Now like i say im NOT a doctor or anything like that, just a guy on the forum who deals with stuff like this too and trying to help, so take my advice with a grain of salt. But if you havent looked into these i wish you would, i think you might be surprised if you can find an effective treatment it might change your life.

NOW, with all that said ill give you the bad news, the truth is depression and add and all those things like that are hard to treat unless you find the right doctor and right meds etc, but it is possible, i been looking for years with little to no luck treating my own mental daemon, avoidant personality. Not to turn into an PSA but knowledge really is power. Research everything you can about your symptoms and see what you can learn, you might be surprised.

Im 39 years old and im STILL learning new things about myself everyday and learning how to cope with life and my own issues, so i hope what ive said helps and gives you hope that you can find an answer to this and its not just somehting you have to blindly accept and live the rest of your life this way if you dont want to. Lifes full of choices, nobody can take that away from us.

Best wishes to you.
 
if nothing is happening with you then why you dont try to learn about religion? who knows maybe you'll find what your real life is.. at least one last hope !? who knows the future? scientist , doctors, teachers who ? and if your not intrested with religious veiw, then at least think about those people who's in pain more than you feel weird like this , i want you to raise some feelings for them beacuse they are the human too like you, if you feel pain to see the pain then change your lifestyle. work for your society search for poor people find them talk to them help them , double your imagination be strong think positive theres always hope youll get everything what you needs, but first you need to raise feeling not only for you for the whole world. help people be connect with them ,communicate as well as you can do. “live with poor people if you don't get good one, after this i think you'll get one”

i wanna help you out right now but i dont know how? i have no idea its true its not gonna work for you after reading my post because we all human dont believe we think “i'm lonely., i have no gf/bf , i have no social life, i cant focus, i dont intrest on anything, im in darkness,”
why?? why give up so easily? why our mind think like this? why its getting more hard every day??
you'll never feel ok if you only think for yourself.
 
Yeah I feel kinda the same way OP.

I mean with me I feel like there's no point in trying to get into going to any specialty forums or anything like that, since my interest in a lot of things is really not as "in depth" as people who are really into them. Like with video games, yeah I like video games but not that much really. Nowadays I play video games on a very irregular basis, sometimes going months without playing any at all.

Or with history, that is history in general. I'm reluctant to say I'm a "history buff" or an "amateur historian" because I know people who are into history way more than I am and would put me to shame and I wouldn't be able to keep up with someone who way really really into it.

With this forum I'm almost suffering through the same kinda doubt because I think about how infrequently I've ever posted on message boards in the past and I've never been a regular on any. But like others have already said in this thread you gotta keep at it and not doubt yourself so much, which is what I'm going to try to do. Because damnit if I can't try to relate to people on the basis of loneliness than what the hell else am I going do?
 
shadetree said:
Thats a thought you have, its a symptom of depression, theyre automatic negative thoughts that come with depression. Another symptom of depression is loss of interest in things because it feels like its meaningless to try something beacuse the depression is constantly whispering negative thoughts like that in your head. The key is to fight those thoughts by replacing them with something more positive. What im talking about is CBT its cognitive behavioral therapy and its very effective in treating depression and anxiety.

From what i can tell from what you posted youre definitely depressed which feeds into the loss of interest which in turn feeds the depression. Thats how it all works, its a circle sort of and we get trapped in it. I would suggest before you focus on trying to find hobbies and things, go see a doctor or a counselor and figure out about treating your depression. Then you might be able to find and keep interest in things. I have this sometimes the loss of interest in things and its really really horrible and im sorry you go through that.

I get this way all the time. I think I've been this way my entire life. I'm bombarded with negative thoughts almost constantly, always doubting myself, always saying I can't do it, this and that is impossible, that it's meaningless, and so on. I have generally low energy levels and I too have felt the loss of interest in things, because my mind is always telling me I don't have enough natural talent to ever get good at any given thing, so there's no point in trying. Then I lose interest in whatever it was that I wanted to do, and then I feel bored and frustrated with myself because I don't do anything, and then I'll wish I could do something, but my mind tells me there's no point, and around and around we go. I definitely have felt the circle of these thoughts.

I guess my question is, how would you go about dealing with this? For one, I don't have money for a therapist and even if I did, I don't want to take meds. How does a person use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to counter the depressive thoughts?
 
I can relate to you, MisunderstoodVacancy and TheSkaFish, but I managed to somehow crawl my up this black hole, I am still not out and it's constantly sucking me back in, even by just posting, you show some effort towards your goal, which is getting rid of the feelings you have.

I am not a religious person, but I recommend reading a few zen stories, choose your favourite and mention one when you get the opportunity, like "hey, I heard a story about..." and they will just listen cause they have to, but 90% of the times you ignite the conversation, you get them trapped in the subject you choose, and after you are done they get interested and start discussing it themselves.

This thing helped me a great deal and I managed to get a lot more confident and casual in conversation. Religion, like Frodothelost said, is one of the subjects that sparks people's interest. Use it to gain the confidence needed.

Plus, many zen stories are funny, so the least they do is make people smile, but are capable of really phylosphical debates as well. And you seem well-read, since you graduated college, I'm sure you can do great.

This one is my favourite:
"A young boy was on his way home. He came upon a great river, which he had to cross in order to continue his journey. While pondering how to cross the river, he saw an old man (zen master) walking on the other side. He shouted 'Sir, how can I get to the other side?', the old man looked up and down the river, and said 'But you already are on the other side!'"
 
You could also try looking up music and searching for bands and see what could interest you. That's how I usually find my music, I don't like everything I come across. I haven't been reading a lot these days either so I can relate with you, I find it hard to pick up a book and continue to read it. You could also try looking for books that interest you, just search for books and if you get tired put the book down and come back to it later. Even if you feel yourself getting tired, don't beat yourself up. You can always read it the next day when you're more awake. There's lots of interests out there, try something new and see what happens. =) Trust me I believe a lot of people here relate to you, so you shouldn't feel alone.
 

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