I need some advice in this relationship

I initiated a relationship about 6 years ago with a girl. We met at a church, and I said in my heart I wanted to marry her someday - very premature, but I thought I really did like her that much.. I called her up at her workplace, because I got her number from some friends who knew her better than me.

She was flattered to go out with me, and so we did. I was doing alright, and so was she for several months. Soon our passions flared up and we had our first sexual encounter. A year later I put an engagement ring on her, although we had no definite marriage plans as of yet.

We began to work out the details of getting married. The big problem was that I am disabled and cannot work. I need to stay on my current medical supplemental insurance (because it's the best way to get my needs met) and we could not afford the Healthcare Act reform at the time to supplement my Medicare.

We've been disappointed, and I believe true love outlasts problems like these. But now I am getting nervous all of a sudden around her. I suppose it was a good thing we didn't get married. But she is 120% in love with me, a super nice girl, and I can't stand the thought of breaking up with her. She has told me that if we ever break up she couldn't face life and would probably quit work (because of her broken heart) and "be a bag lady under the bridge."

I am put in a very hard spot, to tell her I feel differently about her for some reason I don't know is coming over me, and face the heartbreak she would go thru (I really do care for her, I'm just nervous around her) and myself included (even though I am nervous around her, I still would miss her like crazy) OR continue to be together and hope things still work out someday.

I've been to counselors and psychiatrists and pastors and my doctor and a specialist for my nervous issues, and we can't get anywhere. I do wonder if it's as simple as me being nervous around her, or if I am going thru some kind of test or trial to test my faithfulness for her. I don't know.

If I didn't give a rat's &%$ about her, I'd probably break up now. But I do care so deeply about her. I don't know what makes me nervous about her. Maybe more counseling is in order to get to the root of this.

Any suggestions?

I'm not quite sure I understand your feelings of being 'nervous' around her. Can you clarify this? Is the thought of your impending marriage and the thought of 'OMG, I am going to be spending the rest of my life with this person!' making you nervous, or something about her or her behavior or ??? Counselling and talking to other people are good things to be doing if you feel this way.

I've been feeling nervous all day every day for the last 3 months. It's a physical feeling more than anything. That's why I'm seeing a gastroenterologist specialist to check my gut out. But it's so real feeling like there's something wrong.

Her behavior is pretty respectable, although she may squash me a little too much. I've let her know about that I need some guy time sometimes. She's alright with that. I don't mind spending my life with her, and I can't put my finger on the problem. Maybe this is all not related to her. But I noticed it this weekend we spent the weekend together and I couldn't wait to get home. Then I settle down, and then I miss her and send her a nice text. I don't really get it.

hartbroken said:

I've been feeling nervous all day every day for the last 3 months. It's a physical feeling more than anything. That's why I'm seeing a gastroenterologist specialist to check my gut out. But it's so real feeling like there's something wrong.

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Does this feeling go away when you are not with her? If so, then it's not just physical. Your physical feeling of nervousness might be triggered by something you have on your mind about her.

hartbroken said:

I don't mind spending my life with her, and I can't put my finger on the problem.

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I find it interesting that you mention spending your life with her with such a shoulder-shrugging phrase like "I don't mind." You seem to describe marrying her the way I would describe having to take the garbage out when I would rather watch TV. How much passion do you have for marrying this woman? Do you love her?

hartbroken said:

I noticed it this weekend we spent the weekend together and I couldn't wait to get home. Then I settle down, and then I miss her and send her a nice text. I don't really get it.

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This tells me that you have discomfort around her when you are together, but you do love her on some level. You need to know exactly why you feel this discomfort, whether she smothers you, you no longer love her, or if it's related to any anxiety you may have about the difficulties presented by your disability.

Perhaps it's one of those cases of you don't want it when you have it, and you do want it when you don't. That peculiar indecisiveness between a fine line in the relationship. I'd sit down and talk to her about it - really talk to her. Lay it all down on the table, tell her every thought you've had. Maybe between both of your thinking minds, all the options of what is happening and what could happen can be clearly seen, and a resolution can be met in the middle.

I guess I don't understand why you want to break up. Because of your nervousness? Can you talk to her about it and work together on finding out the problem?

Case said:

hartbroken said:

I noticed it this weekend we spent the weekend together and I couldn't wait to get home. Then I settle down, and then I miss her and send her a nice text. I don't really get it.

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This tells me that you have discomfort around her when you are together, but you do love her on some level. You need to know exactly why you feel this discomfort, whether she smothers you, you no longer love her, or if it's related to any anxiety you may have about the difficulties presented by your disability.

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I agree with the discomfort part, but if you can't wait to get home and be without her, I see that as a red flag. For example, my father has broken up with his girlfriend of 4 years probably 6 or 7 times (he has more drama in his life than me.) The reasons behind the previous break up were her kids, but he still loved her and wanted to be around her. He didn't want to go home when spending time with her. But this last time, he told me, that he didn't even want to be around her. So now I think it's finally a done deal.

Breaking up with someone that you have been with awhile and that loves you 120% is hard and very dramatic. But if the relationship is causing you distress it is something you should consider. Talk to her about your problems, and see if you guys can figure it out.

The focus of this problem I think lies in the "I couldn't wait to get home. Then I settle down, and then I miss her and send her a nice text."

I agree with Case, you need to find out why you are having these feelings. A working relationship requires both the mind and the heart to be at the same place. I'd follow Vanilla's advice and talk it out. Nicole has a great example with her dad.

My ex was kind of like you (as explained thus far). She wanted to separate, but when we separated she still wanted me around. This in the end turned out to be - she doesn't love me, but she doesn't want to be alone and the closest person was me. As soon as she found another person, she didn't need me around anymore.

Then to get some facts straight... You two have been engaged for the last 4-5 years, and 3 months ago you started to feel that you want to be separated from her (physically, to go home)? This could very well be that (as mentioned) that you need some time to yourself. The honeymoon stage is finally over. Don't let "comfort" be misinterpreted as lack of interest (if that was the case).

I think you are mad about her, same just she about you, but on some way you are 'obsessed' with her statement that she can't live without you. If you ask me, she is right person for you as I can see from those few words you wrote here