Ups and downs

I like the forum and intend to stick around (if you guys and gals will let me) so I just want to share some of my past and present problems that have led to me needing to talk about it.

When I moved to Spain when I was younger I found it a very easy transition and looking back was probably the best decision my family ever made for us. I was bullied a lot when I was in school, for a good solid 4-5 years. I got to secondary and I could see that I was going to continue to be bullied but I knew I had to stand up for myself, I used my height (always the tallest in my year) so I looked harder to bully and it finally worked. My grades weren't the best but I could get by and I put it down to the fact I tried too hard to make friends and fit in. I had a group of friends but really only one real friend I could count on and even later on I found out that that wasn't really true. I could never talk to girls when I was younger and I still find it hard to this day but now I know that it's ok to seem weird and if they don't accept me then ok. All of the above and a couple of extra things molded my personality into what it is today. I try my hardest to be a good person but my identity isn't really clear to me and that really gets to me, I play guitar and am in the "metal-head" community, I see us as the people who don´t want to conform and can understand each other.

The problems started about 3 & 1/2 years roughly when I got into my first serious relationship, I was amazed that someone so beautiful could like someone that could barely talk to her and stuck out like a sore thumb anywhere I went. All was well and I was blind in understanding what a relationship was and I realize now that I was taken advantage off and my first year of collage was screwed because of it. I could see the end approaching but we weren't equal in the relationship and I felt trapped. I wasn't really clearly thinking about anything at this stage just felt like a husk. Then it all got bad and fast. My mum wanted to meet up for coffee since she was passing through the city so I thought it was a good idea. I waited for her outside my faculty and her car puled up and it was strange that she got out and I could see that she was upset. She told me that my uncle had died, it hit me hard but I knew he had been in a serious car accident and was in a long recovery. But what my mum said next will stay with me until I die, he had done it himself... I just fell and just everything drained from me. Before I knew it we were on a flight back to Ireland to the funeral. My uncle had been like a second dad to me and I just couldn't and still can´t understand it. We had the traditional funeral 3 day wake at home so we could say our goodbyes and I can still remember everything... I can't contain my emotions and I still think about it all the time. I got back to Spain and my partner was no help at all and a week later split up with me. 3 weeks later I found my partner that I´m with now who had had some similar problems to mine and we felt like a perfect match. I fell into an anxious/depressive state that took me a year to find help. I took meds and seen a psychologist but discontinued when I started feeling worse. Things haven't been going well with my partner and I'm thinking of spitting up this weekend. I just feel so lost at the moment and really as if I haven't accomplished anything.

I may have left details out but I find it hard enough to write anything about this.. thanks for reading it´s good to get things of my chest.


Matt

thank you for sharing this, Matt, I am so very sorry about your uncle.

Maybe he was in a lot of pain, or unable to see the end of the recovery, or sometimes a side effect of medications is depression?

Another point is : relationships have a way to go where they want without us being able to do a lot about it, there are no "accomplishments" in relationships, if that is the kind of accomplishment you are talking about. It seems that you are giving a lot of thoughts about who you are and how you behave in relationships, so things can only improve.
Wish you all the very best!

Peaches said:

thank you for sharing this, Matt, I am so very sorry about your uncle.

Maybe he was in a lot of pain, or unable to see the end of the recovery, or sometimes a side effect of medications is depression?

Another point is : relationships have a way to go where they want without us being able to do a lot about it, there are no "accomplishments" in relationships, if that is the kind of accomplishment you are talking about. It seems that you are giving a lot of thoughts about who you are and how you behave in relationships, so things can only improve.
Wish you all the very best!

Click to expand...

Thanks very much for the advice, I feel that she wants me to be a certain way and doesn't let me room to figure myself out. I find it hard to argue anymore because I have argued so much in the last 3 years...

Well I am going to try and work hard to see how everything plays out, I just want to feel happy in my skin and my head.

I'm so sorry to read about all that, Matt. I don't have any good advice or words to add here as I'm not really in a great place right now, but I just wanted to say that I read your post and I feel badly for you. I hope you'll remain strong and keep working at feeling better, you deserve that at least. I do hope things will work out for you. You have my support. Take care, please.

Thanks very much lady, I am just in a moment where I have brilliant days and then I can see myself slip away.It's helping knowing I can come here to talk with people in similar situations. I hope I can help as much as everyone here helps each other. Every grain of sand helps.

I can relate a lot to you Matt, from the "metalhead" part to the bullying, and from the shyness to the honeysuckle you've been through. What you're going through sucks,especially losing a loved one to suicide, is hard and almost impossible to get over.
I can barely keep myself together, but what I've learnt from my mistakes is don't give up. Posting it here shows that you want to talk about it, to get it out of you. From personal experiences, profesional help never helps in the long run. I'd recommend to try it with your current partner, someone that actually cares about you, and not the money you give him, not end your relationship yet but ask for her help, unless there are more and serious reasons to end it, only you can know that.
Finding a "perfect match" during dark times ends badly according to my experiences, usually both are just trying to find someone to hold on, and someone equally broken always seems perfect, but that doesn't mean you cant make it work and that she is not the perfect one.

My advice is, hang in there. Don't give up, stay strong and keep fighting. There will be moments when you'll feel fine, that nothing is going on, and moments that it'll hurt like a ************. but it'll hurt less to keep being strong, than giving up and then trying to collect your pieces. And making decisions like splitting with your partner, may seem good now, but you may regret it when you have a clearer head, I really recommend to think this through and possibly discuss it with her

I'm really sorry for everything you're going through, I know how much it hurts and how hard it is to keep it together. Luckily, this community has some amazing people that are willing to help and support you

Feel free to PM me myself if you ever want to chat

Hope everything goes better for you

Thanks very much for reading, it really means a lot. I am just trying to put myself back together and I find it nearly impossible to stay motivated, I have been at the gym the last few days and to be honest I'm feeling great but I am experiencing something strange and it's been a while. I feel like I function and can see myself doing things, talking to people and so on but it feels like I'm looking from an orb behind my eyes, it feels scary and don't really know what to make of it or really understand it. I'll just keep trying to keep my chin up and try to put the pieces together.

Again, thanks very much everyone for the comments.

Hi there,
First of all, I'm so sorry for your uncle. Unfortunately I don't know what to say because it has never happened to me, but I imagin that it is awful.

The main thing I wanted to say is what is happening with your gf. I'm going to tell you my experience: I spend with my partner almost three years. She was perfect for me at the beginning and I realised that she was the love of my life. She made me feel safe, warm and loved. She was the light to my darkness. But then, around one year after I fell into a deep depression I still don't know why. But she stayed with me, supporting me and giving me all her love. But I got really lost, I felt so empty inside, and I thought nothing could fill that emptiness. So, around nine months ago, I decided to break up with her. I thought she wouldn't understand me and I needed some space so I did it. I remember the wey she cried praying for our love to come back. But I didn't looked back. One month later I realised that I made a terrible mistake. I let go the love of my life. I was blinded due to my depression and I couldn't see what I had.

Now she doesn't cries for me anymore. She says she will always love me, but she can't be with me because i made her suffer too much. I am torn. My heart is dead, and everything because of my selfishness.

All that I can say is, if you really love her, hang in there, don't let her go just because you feel lost. Maybe she is your only compass but you can't see it with all the darkness around you. Be patient and give her all your love, because one day it may be too late.

I wish you the best, and sorry for my bad English, I'm from Spain. Hope this helps you.

Mattayah, I'm sorry to hear of your loss. People who are important to us who die are always the most difficult deaths to heal from. Eventually the emotions from the funeral will fade, and you will be left with some sense of peace, though…things in life tend to linger on without answers. His suicide will always leave unanswered questions, and unresolved feelings…though you may learn to put it in the past.

Dating, is frequently seen as the ultimate happines in life. If a person can just fall in love, all their problems are solved and their life is complete. This media represenation of relationships is utter bullshit. I'm a firm believer in…wherever you go, there you are. Meaning no matter where you go in the world, or what relationships you enter into, your issues are still there. You may be better equipped to deal with them if you have a supportive and loving second half however. But, the issues will still be there.

Thanks very much for the support, it really does help. I'm at a moment in my life that I want to experience new things, my girlfriend is definitely the one for me and I will stay with her but I hope she understands that I need to travel and experience new things.

Guille, muchas gracias por el comentario, tu inglés no es malo, seguro que podrás aprender mucho aqui jeje

good to see things are going better and travelling and collecting new experiences and memories definitely sounds like a great idea!