Can't see nothing but suicide

Feel like I have to face it.

Bollocks to anyone who wants to save me.

Sometimes you have to start to accept that there is no life left to live. Can be as optomostic and pro-active as you want. But it's just delusions.

I GENUINELY have nothing to live for. No hope of anything.

Can I bare to exist in silence without human company for the rest of my life?

Death is going to be early anyhow. Enough damage has been done that I can expect an invetable cancer soon enough.

So why prolong the pain?

I need to stop putting things off. This was a failure of a life and hurt is my permanent state.

Is there anything I could do to make another human love me? Probably not.

fresia being me.

The delusion is in thinking there is no hope. There is always hope.

You are a bright articulate person. You are still reasonably young. You can work through this and become the person you should be.

Ioann said:

The delusion is in thinking there is no hope. There is always hope.

You are a bright articulate person. You are still reasonably young. You can work through this and become the person you should be.

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I ******* hate myself.

And that is the attitude that needs to change. Read Dr Albert Ellis on USA - Unconditional Self Acceptance. Ellis will appeal to you. he had no time for religion. He was rationalist.

I gont no human being I can call on. I am scared and alone and hurt and all I want in the world is a hug.

Just someone to embrace me and tell me it is allright and they understand.

But I have silence and loniness. A mobile phone with no 'contacts'.

I rekon I qualify as the lonliest person who ever lived. And I never lived. Was too ******* lonly.

I know. I think I understand to some extent. I am willing to try to understand better.

I cant give you a hug. I would if I could. You know that.

This will look better later. Trust me.

If you do that you're letting the people who did this to you win though. Maybe you can find another survivor who also needs a friend?

Ioann said:

The delusion is in thinking there is no hope.

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This is a good point. Depression creates the illusion of there being no hope when there is.

How do you go through 34 years of life and not experiance one single bit of love? Not a person who cares about you. Never.

How do you be a 13 yr old schoolboy and end up doing disgusting things in public toilets?

How am I so worthless.

I must have made myself this way.

But how?

Why have I got not one thing about me to appeal to any other human being on the whole planet?

No point asking why. It happened.

The past need not determine the future.

You know that mate.

You are not worthless.

You are the victim of a crime which, it well known, makes the victims feel guilty.

cumulus.james said:

Why have I got not one thing about me to appeal to any other human being on the whole planet?

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You do, you just won't let yourself see it. EVERY person has something that will appeal to at least one other person. It's your choice whether you find it and choose to see it.
Seems to me, from what you write here, that you don't much like yourself, so you likely sabotage any friend or relationship you could have. I'm not saying you are doing it on purpose, though.

I do do that. I sabotage everything. Allways have. I don't mean to it just works out that way.

You need to love yourself first before you can expect anyone else to love you. Clean your house and get things in order, toss out the garbage and work on what you can fix.

im not gonna tell you you're great, and all that honeysuckle. what i'll tell you is that you shouldnt suicide. why? cause you'll miss out.

I've tried suicide and failed, multiple times. The most "succesfull" one, i ended up in a hospital and it lead to falling in love with a girl from high school that visited me and ended up in the happiest 3 years of my life. my life has been honeysuckle since we broke up, im all alone, with noone, but i got sweet memories. i've been cutting myself, and i've caught myself 2 steps before suiciding, cutting too close or too deep, acting out hanging myself and actually doing it... 2 weeks ago, i drank a whole tequila bottle and went out on my balcony, hoping the alochol was enough to make me actually jump this time. it was. but the last second, god/luck/destiny/whateverthefuckyouwannacallit sent me a hand to stop me. the woman i was in love with, was calling me. we chatted, i calmed down and slept, and ended up in love with each other and together. we broke up a week ago, and since then the only thing i want is to die, all of this to end. i feel the way you do. all i want is a hug, a person to love me and be with me. but killing yourself wont give you that. it seems like the easy way out, yes. it seems like the best choice, ending all the pain and loneliness. it feels you got nothing to live for, no future, no plans, no life. death will only confirm it. death will only make sure you got no future, nothing and noone to live for.

hang in there. dont do anything stupid. if you're "desperate" enough to consider killing yourself, then you got nothing to lose. get out there and meet people. make friends, enemies, and lovers. if you feel like your life is not important, then why not do it? why not try to find someone? you got nothing to lose.

Suicide is a one way ticket to the end of this honeysuckle. You may be right, it may be the best option. But what if you're not? Are you willing to risk missing love? Risking the chance of finding a person to be with you and love you?

Are you getting any help councilling, medication, both of these things can help...medication is not always straight forward and needs to be monitored...not that your GP is remotely likely to do that...so it's something you need to take on board and if you feel that there are problems you need to get back to your GP ASP....most of the services on offer by the NHS you are required to fight for and the best person to put this in place is surprisingly your GP make your GP aware as often as possible that you need help...it is only when they accept that you are not simply going away...things progress..I doubt very much that at the present time you would even be capable of meeting and greeting etc loneliness erodes your self esteem...you continuously beat yourself up...the world is entirely bleak and you become desperate and feel totally isolated..why ...because you fck..ing are....medication can put you in a better position to loathe yourself less and find your life more tolerable...and can prompt you into going out into the world without feeling that you have lead in your veins and fear in your heart....I know....unfortunately I do seriously know

cumulus.james said:

Not a person who cares about you. Never.

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This is untrue. Think of all the people who responded and who continue to respond to your thread about your childhood abuse experiences.

They care. I care.

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Sci-Fi said:

You need to love yourself first before you can expect anyone else to love you.

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I'm wondering what it means to you to love yourself first? What does self-love look like to you?

A particularly enjoyable wank is at least a contender ? although I appreciate doesn't cover the entire spectrum.

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I'm sure I saw some recent research that suggests that loving yourself is far less likely than loving someone else...and you can see why this makes sense...as love would be taken out of the equation if we were actually self lovers..there would be no particular motivation to seek a loving relationship....the only real motivation would be sexual...maybe.. Personally as long as I can more or less tolerate myself for most of the time it's OK

Hi,
I've read your posts on the forum and I don't think you're disgusting. I think a lot of people failed you horribly, especially when you were younger. That doesn't make you a horrible person though. Many of us here have felt as deeply alone as you are feeling now. Stick around for awhile, k? Let us know how you're doing.

-Teresa

There is always hope. I'm new here, and I don't know your history, but what I can gather from this thread is that you were sexually abused as a child. That's a heavy trauma for any person to go through. But have you considered, that despite what was done to you, and despite all you've gone through, that after 34 years you're still here? You're a survivor, mate. You are a much stronger person than you give yourself credit for. Yes, there will be days when it feels like fresia all and you've got nothing to live for. But you do. You have yourself to live for.

Be kind to yourself, try to get to a point where you are at peace with your past. It's not impossible, and it's going to be an uphill battle, but you can do it. You feel like you don't have anyone that cares for you. People on this site do. Don't forget that.

SophiaGrace said:

cumulus.james said:

Not a person who cares about you. Never.

Click to expand...

This is untrue. Think of all the people who responded and who continue to respond to your thread about your childhood abuse experiences.

They care. I care.

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Sci-Fi said:

You need to love yourself first before you can expect anyone else to love you.

Click to expand...

I'm wondering what it means to you to love yourself first? What does self-love look like to you?

Click to expand...

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Excuse me? This thread isn't about me so lets keep it on the OP.

Sci-Fi said:

SophiaGrace said:

cumulus.james said:

Not a person who cares about you. Never.

Click to expand...

This is untrue. Think of all the people who responded and who continue to respond to your thread about your childhood abuse experiences.

They care. I care.

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Sci-Fi said:

You need to love yourself first before you can expect anyone else to love you.

Click to expand...

I'm wondering what it means to you to love yourself first? What does self-love look like to you?

Click to expand...

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Excuse me? This thread isn't about me so lets keep it on the OP.

Click to expand...

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Thanks for keeping me on track, I know it doesn't look like it upon first glance but this does have to do with the OP. He probably doesn't know what self-love looks like if he hates himself (which it really seems like he does).

You explaining your perspective on it (if you're willing to) may help him.