Always breaking up with Friends...

I think I expect too much from people... but typically I make a friend. We have a long term friendship. I typically let a lot go. For while the slights don't even really bother me. But at a certain point... the mass weight of the slights hits me in one last final thing that "flips the switch". That is the best way I can describe it. Once this happens, it is never the same. I don't see them the same. I don't want to be their friend. I don't think they are interesting. I don't think they are funny. I don't like them anymore and that, is probably never going to change. In addition, since I am extremely independent, unlike most people, I don't care if I have friends. So when there is someone who isn't meeting my needs, I want to drop them like a hot potato.

This typically comes as a horrible shock to the friend. First, shock that some little issue would destroy the friendship... especially after years of doing similar things without objection and second, that I don't seem to value their friendship after years of valueing it.

In high school I had this close friend. I spent like 4 years as her close friend and she went to college. We still talked all the time on the phone. One day we were talking and she was telling me he boyfriend was selling drugs. I was shocked and advised her to get away from him and, for my trouble, got told I didn't know what I was talking about because I didn't have a boyfriend. This flipped the switch. I ended the conversation and never talked to her again. About 4 years later she caught me by calling my house and I picked up. I talked to her politely and I am pretty sure she thought we were friends again, but, no.

So I am in the situation again. I have had a co worker for 10 years. We were friends but I think possibly because I had to be. Work would be unpleasant if I wasn't friends with her. She stopped working with me last year and things have been bothering me more and more. They kind of peaked this summer. She didn't even really do anything but it became clear to me that she liked another friend -- who did do something to me -- more than me. The switch was flipped. She has been trying ever since but everything she has done since has just annoyed me and made me even more convinced I need to drop her. What has held me off is the fact that she still works in the building that I do and that can be awkward to run into her. I have been trying to hint to her but she just doesn't get the hint. She is always coming to my office. I never go to hers. She asks me to go to lunch.. I don't ask her. I unfreind her from facebook... she gets upset and asks me why.

I don't get it... you should just pay attention and realize it is over. I am not going to defend my feelings.

I don't know... on some level I feel like , why does this keep happening, but on the other level I feel like it is normal for people to grow apart.

Should I tell her? I don't see the point. She will probably just try to argue me back into friendship but that isn't possible ... I don't like her anymore.

Dear LonelySutton,

Have you ever considered that you may have issues communicating your feelings to your friends and being upfront/honest with them in this respect? It's a self-destructive and relationship-destructive recipe to hold everything inside and then just cut ties. You aren't even giving the other party a chance to change, or the kindness in trying to work something through. That's how relationships work. Otherwise everytime a relationship hit a stumbling block, people would divorce and cut each other out of their lives all the time. It wouldn't work very well. There would be no relationships between anyone ever.

It's something for you to think about.

-Soph

SophiaGrace said:

Have you ever considered that you may have issues communicating your feelings to your friends and being upfront/honest with them in this respect?

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Probably but, I don't understand why people can't do this stuff on their own, why are they so oblivious. Why don't they see the slights in the first place? By the time it gets to the point where I want to break up with them, I sot of can't help but feel that they take me for granted and if they couldn't self edit before, why would they do it now.

LonelySutton said:

SophiaGrace said:

Have you ever considered that you may have issues communicating your feelings to your friends and being upfront/honest with them in this respect?

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Probably but, I don't understand why people can't do this stuff on their own, why are they so oblivious. Why don't they see the slights in the first place? By the time it gets to the point where I want to break up with them, I sot of can't help but feel that they take me for granted and if they couldn't self edit before, why would they do it now.

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Sometimes people genuinely don't realize what they're doing wrong, others just need a confrontation in order to come to terms with it and deal with it.

Don't let it get to the point of wanting to break up with them, catch it early on, give them a chance to change and adapt so that the relationship can have a chance to be better and something you may want to keep.

I dunno, I've been on both sides of this situation before, but in different ways. I get a very different impression than others here.

What I will say is that this girl obviously doesn't get that you don't want to be friends because she probably doesn't understand why. To her you are still her friend, it''s you who isn't with her anymore. You'll need to be honest with her and explain to her why you don't want to be friends. I don't get why, you were very vague with that but it is your personal stuff so that's fine you don't have to go into detail at all. But you will need to tell her, it's better than what you are doing right now. It's kind of cold and rude to be honest.

Kind of horrible actually, since there's no way they can know what went wrong and would (understandably) want an explanation for your sudden change in attitude.

Did your coworker know what this other person "did to you"? If not then I don't understand either.

Lacrecia said:

Dragging things with the hope that she will realise that you no longer consider her as a friend will just be uncomfortable for both of you. She may get hurt and try to argue that you can still fix things, which you dont think isa good idea, but you will have to go through the 'we can still be friend' discussion sooner or later, so maybe it is best if you just get over with it.

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This. Just this. I don't think it's right to just expect people to get the hint or stuff like that. I think that if you really don't want to continue something with someone, you should just talk to them and tell them. Whether they take it well or not is another point altogether. In this case, tell your friend. Give her some basic courteousy or respect, why don't you.

Well I did actually tell her yesterday and she ignored me. So I am seeing that this is an issue.

Basically though I feel she is disrespecting me. I feel like for years she has disrespected me and I have just put up with it. Mostly because I am too kind to people. I give them too much credit. She is losing my friendship because she hasn't respected me for years. This is the only reason I ever kiss off a "friend".

At that point I feel like she doesn't deserve respect. She doesn't deserve anything... and doesn't deserve that I sit down and tell her anything. What she deserves is to sit down, and consider herself. Consider where things went wrong and think about it. It is only her obliviousness and denial that keeps her from seeing the issues. Why should I spend one moment of discomfort?

Sometimes I feel like I don't say anything because it is my way of seeing their true nature. When left to their own devices... how do they act? I hate the idea that I need to be their parent and inform them of their bad behavior.

LonelySutton said:

Well I did actually tell her yesterday and she ignored me. So I am seeing that this is an issue.

Basically though I feel she is disrespecting me. I feel like for years she has disrespected me and I have just put up with it. Mostly because I am too kind to people. I give them too much credit. She is losing my friendship because she hasn't respected me for years. This is the only reason I ever kiss off a "friend".

At that point I feel like she doesn't deserve respect. She doesn't deserve anything... and doesn't deserve that I sit down and tell her anything. What she deserves is to sit down, and consider herself. Consider where things went wrong and think about it. It is only her obliviousness and denial that keeps her from seeing the issues. Why should I spend one moment of discomfort?

Sometimes I feel like I don't say anything because it is my way of seeing their true nature. When left to their own devices... how do they act? I hate the idea that I need to be their parent and inform them of their bad behavior.

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You're taking on an air of I'm-better-than-them-why-should-I-deign-to-give-the-the-basic-courtesy-of-a-breakup.

If you don't care to have friends, why put that label to anyone?

SophiaGrace said:

You're taking on an air of I'm-better-than-them-why-should-I-deign-to-give-the-the-basic-courtesy-of-a-breakup.

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But what is wrong with that? They didn't give me the basic courtesy of being my friend which is why I am breaking up with them. But beyond that who says that is a basic courtesy? I mean I don't think that is. How can we get to a point where I want to break up with them and the issue is ME not giving them respect? It is them who hasn't given me respect for a while now and suddenly I am suppose to give them more?

Also, I was thinking about it the other day, I do this with non friends. My hair stylist... I have been going to her for a while and she does a good job. I always would tip her and I liked her -- but, she kept trying to upsell me on products. I would politely decline but she never did get the message. I hated feeling uncomfortable in having to decline in the middle of her doing my hair. I kind of felt trapped at that point and worried if my hair was going to come out green. After about the 10th time she did this I decided not to go back to her.

I do think it was completely obvious what the issue was and, if she can't figure that out, well then that is her problem.

It's obvious to you, not to the people who you shut out.

LonelySutton said:

Also, I was thinking about it the other day, I do this with non friends. My hair stylist... I have been going to her for a while and she does a good job. I always would tip her and I liked her -- but, she kept trying to upsell me on products. I would politely decline but she never did get the message. I hated feeling uncomfortable in having to decline in the middle of her doing my hair. I kind of felt trapped at that point and worried if my hair was going to come out green. After about the 10th time she did this I decided not to go back to her.

I do think it was completely obvious what the issue was and, if she can't figure that out, well then that is her problem.

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You can't compare it to a hairdresser and client. You were friends for years, which means the sudden end to the relationship is hard for them to comprehend. This is why they appear unwilling to take the hints, whereas a new acquaintance probably would.

LonelySutton said:

But what is wrong with that? They didn't give me the basic courtesy of being my friend which is why I am breaking up with them. But beyond that who says that is a basic courtesy? I mean I don't think that is. How can we get to a point where I want to break up with them and the issue is ME not giving them respect? It is them who hasn't given me respect for a while now and suddenly I am suppose to give them more?

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Why do you have to do what they do to you that isn't very nice? Why can't you be the better person and just tell them honestly how you feel and what they've done to make you feel that way, and break things off. Wouldn't that make life a lot easier? For you and for that person. Than having it being dragged on, her not getting the hints and wondering what's going on and you getting frustrated.

Just a general comment, not exactly directing at you, but.. why is communication so hard these days? I don't understand this. I would think the more educated people are, the more communicative they'd get. But it doesn't seem to be the case.

Just to quote what I kinda think too:

SophiaGrace said:

It's obvious to you, not to the people who you shut out.

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ardour said:

You can't compare it to a hairdresser and client. You were friends for years, which means the sudden end to the relationship is hard for them to comprehend.

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Could it also be denial? If I were in their shoes, I would be incredibly worried about losing a friend and would likely try to deny it to keep myself in an okay mood.

lonelysutton, I'm curious after reading your posts in this thread. Do all friendships have an expiration date for you?

I'm not judging you at all. I have trouble keeping friendships alive, too. Aside from some notable exceptions, my friendships seem to implode within three years, at the most. Is it the same for you?

ladyforsaken, I think it's mostly a fear of upsetting people. Or maybe being upset ourselves.

lifestream said:

ladyforsaken, I think it's mostly a fear of upsetting people. Or maybe being upset ourselves.

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I guess that would make sense if people always tend to not want to talk about things and get too sensitive about what's being discussed that no discussion can actually take place. Yeah, it does make sense.

It's just sad really. I wish people could communicate more, it would lessen the hurt I think. I don't know, I'm not too sure anymore.

lifestream said:

lonelysutton, I'm curious after reading your posts in this thread. Do all friendships have an expiration date for you?

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I don't think so.. this one is 10 years. To the extent they implode I just feel I reach a point of disrespect that causes me to lose desire to be friends with them anymore. That can happen in 3 years or 10. Depends on the person.

lonelysutton, as a general rule, people care about:
1) themselves
2) their spouse, if they get along
3) their kids
4) their parents, if they aren't too old and demented, then they stop caring about them

That's it. Nobody gives a rat's ass about anybody else. Prove me wrong.