Women who aren't afraid to pursue and what men REALLY think about them.

This could be a very hot-button topic, so everyone be civil and respectful.
This is an issue that I've heard conflicting opinions on.

I can only relate my own personal experience and would like to hear what others have experienced. Opinions are welcome, but I'm especially interested in actual experiences. Experiences from both male and female are highly desired.

Again, I'd like to ask that no one gets ugly, but that we just discuss the matter like adults.

OK, my experience when doing the "chasing" so to speak....

Anytime I've done the initiating, it's always ended badly. The relationships were almost always VERY short term. I have often wondered if there is that initial "wow, she's interested in me and letting me know" surprise/feeling and then when it fades, so does the man's interest. Oh I'm sure there are a multitude of reasons why initial attraction fades, but based on my own reasoning (and experiences), I do wonder if being the pursuer plays a large part in it. I have often wondered if perhaps (subconsciously) people don't appreciate things as much if they didn't have to work for them, so to speak.
I've heard varying opinions from men. One opinion is that they enjoy being pursued. Other opinions (even ones I've read on this very forum) suggest that the man wonders if the woman is "desperate" or "just how many men has she been with" if she's bold enough to do the chasing.

What do you guys (and gals ) think?

The only relationships I've had that lasted more than two or three dates only occurred when the female initiated the interest.
I usually have to be hit over the head to realize such interest, mainly because whenever I do the initiating, I would only find rejection and disinterest.

Men generally don't approach me, like ever.

I'm comfortable with this, it's always been this way.

All my previoius relationships I have initiated things, I've made some honeysuckle choices & I've made some better choices too, although I have found that this can scare away many men.....this is also fine really as I don't want one that takes fright too easily anyways.

Last time I was pursued by a woman out of the blue I was certainly surprised, kinda caught off guard. She seemed nice enough and I was available at the time so I gave it a shot, we had lunch and talked several times following our initial interaction but it was a mismatch on a personality level. I definitely didn't mind being approached, I don't think it impacted any decisions negatively and I don't recall assigning any negative associations with her being the one to do the initiating.

Must say, thinking about it my only two longer term boyfriends, I had to kind of make the first move, but a) knowing me, the first move was something really basic with someone who was obviously interested in me and b) it didn't end well with both of them, so it would have been better to avoid making any move altogether.
Personally, I almost never get guys to approach me if they don't know me, don't have that kind of looks, so I guess it would make sense to make the first move myself. Aside from the first move (my favorite: oh, I can't find my earring, can you look behind your chair?) and small things like that, I stick to the thought that men are raised to do the chasing, so it's better to let them show their interest in their own time, all while sticking around, of course. But what do I know, I never date anymore. Looking forward to hear the guys' opinions.

I'm just no good at being subtle, I tend to be somewhat more direct.

Only time women pursued me they were the clingy obsessive type so it was an instant turn off for me.

Sorry, Evey - I've always been the one who was chased, so I have no helpful insight on this topic.

Thinking back, of the times I was asked out only two of them really developed into "long term" relationships. The ones that were brief only lasted about a couple/few months. I'll be honest, it's the greatest feeling to be asked out so I couldn't say no. Also, I look back at the times I was rejected and how crappy it felt, so there was no way I could do that to someone else.

The relationships that only lasted a few months were mainly due to the lack of common interests, as the more you're around someone the more you realize you either have quite a bit in common or not much at all. I'm not one of those "opposites attract" types and the less I have in common with someone the more I lose interest. As well as the little things that bother you about that person. I dumped one of them because she littered all of the time and that's one of my pet peeves...from napkins, soda cups, cigarette butts, to doggy poop bags. Looking back, I have to laugh, but at the time some of the stuff she did pissed me off...lol

I guess the point I'm trying to make is, IMO, unless you really know the person (yes, it's hard to do when you only see them at work, social circles, volunteering, etc), it's more than likely to be a miss rather than a hit.

The two long term relationships I had were initiated by my exes. But they are now exes so that tells you how well that worked out
I've dated American men and men from abroad and I noticed that American men seem to expect women to pursue them more than men from abroad. Note that isn't scientific data or anything but just something I've noticed on a personal level.

-Teresa

I have had a few women pursue me with zeal, and I've loved it. Of course, I must also like them back, but I don't see why any man wouldn't like that. I understand that I am not "every man," and that everyone has their own needs and desires, but who would not want someone pursuing them? It's immediate validation. She likes me, and if I like her, we just bypassed a massive amount of tiresome social etiquette. Anyway, I've pursued some women successfully, and I've been pursued by some women successfully. What matters to me most is not who approaches first, but that we both feel the same connection.

I've never viewed a woman pursuing me as "desperate." I have viewed these women as attractive because I like women who take control of their dating choices. Also, I can be so focused on my life (read: clueless) that I'm not aware that there is a really cool woman in my life who likes me. So, it's nice that some women would proverbially step up and tap me on the shoulder and say, "Hey. I like you. Wanna do something together?" I admit that not every example has lead to a relationship, but I've been pursued enough to know that I definitely like it.

Eeeeh, I used to take the initiative but that never worked out before, not for a comitted relationship anyway. Gave up on that for other reasons, though I must say it did let me down a little that I could never get it right. A couple of years ago, at times it felt as if though I wasn't worth being pursued. I'm over it, and I'm over relationships of the romantic kind, and somehow this feeling still lingers.

I don't know if something changes from adolescence to adulthood in men that makes them change their minds about women being proactive (it appears to be the case).

I've never been the type of guy that goes chasing after a woman. I see it as a two way street; you have to want to be with me and show some initiative just as much as I do to you. It lets me know you are into me and we have the same feelings, so we skip a lot of the crap. That's not saying I never show initiative, if I see someone I might like or I find interesting then I'm not against taking the first step, but I get tired after all the chasing and I'll stop fairly quick if I'm not getting something in return. I like to meet in the middle.

I can't really contribute much to this.
If a nice woman approached me, I would be delighted.
Online, I would naturally be wary and probably not interested.

I do actually think most couples get to together like this. A woman likes a man, she tells him, away they go.

I would imagine some men get approached quite often.

My experience is that I don't get pursued (with one exception: my current boyfriend). If I don't initiate, nothing happens. Even in friendships this has been true.

It has happened a couple times that a man will be the first one to say something flirtatious, or indicate potential interest in some other indirect way, and then I will do the same (in a more direct way, because I'm terrible at dancing around things, lol). But if I don't eventually come right out and ask if they're interested or something otherwise to the point, it will just keep going and going and going like that, and nothing will ever change and we'll never get anywhere. It drives me nuts. I would much prefer directness from the beginning.

But usually this kind of behavior has meant that they weren't all that interested to begin with anyway, or were interested in someone else more and just keeping me on the back burner.

When I've approached men I've been rejected, and have been treated by some of them as if I insulted or disgusted them in some manner. I've heard men comment that they dislike or distrust women pursuing them for one reason or another; or alternatively say that they'd like it, but then when it happens, act like they don't. I admit I have wondered if it's really just women of a certain appearance whose attentions they don't care to have, rather than disliking the act itself.

I don't know though. This is just my own experience. As with everything, I suspect people are all over the spectrum on this. Some probably hate it, some probably love it, and the rest are probably somewhere in between.

I'd be more than happy for a woman to pursue me for a relationship.

Not only would I be flattered by the interest shown, it would also demonstrate that she has confidence.

EveWasFramed said:

Anytime I've done the initiating, it's always ended badly. The relationships were almost always VERY short term. I have often wondered if there is that initial "wow, she's interested in me and letting me know" surprise/feeling and then when it fades, so does the man's interest. Oh I'm sure there are a multitude of reasons why initial attraction fades, but based on my own reasoning (and experiences), I do wonder if being the pursuer plays a large part in it. I have often wondered if perhaps (subconsciously) people don't appreciate things as much if they didn't have to work for them, so to speak.
I've heard varying opinions from men. One opinion is that they enjoy being pursued. Other opinions (even ones I've read on this very forum) suggest that the man wonders if the woman is "desperate" or "just how many men has she been with" if she's bold enough to do the chasing.

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I do think that some will get overeager if they see that the usual courting ritual has been reversed and may take it far enough become pushy and disrespectful, in addition to saying yes to something they didn't think about too deeply. I've experienced that several times. Whether or not they intend to push too hard in all cases is another matter, but I have a hard time believing that even the most inexperienced would think that dropping all talk of politics for sexual comments at every turn is at all attractive and pleasant.

Makes me wonder if all those dating "rules" about waiting so long for such-and-such are just putting lipstick on a pig.

In the past I never perused any men before. I did tell some men I had a crush on them when I was younger and of course they didn't feel the same way so I just stopped right there. However with my boyfriend now I perused him and he was very nervous but I let him know pretty strongly that I was interested in him and wanted to get to know him. It took me a few weeks to even get him on the phone with me. He was so shy, but deep down I thought it was adorable and kept trying cause I wanted him, lol! There was something about him that I absolutely loved about him!

In the past however I made a lot of crappy choices and I learned from these mistakes. I chose a lot of men that treated me like dirt and had no respect for me whatsoever. It's like I chose men that didn't care about my feelings and played with my emotions half of the time.

I personaly dont chase any woman unless she's shown mutual feelings, and I feel she really worths it. Not because Im hard to get, but because Im too fragile to risk rejection anymore

It always makes me feel nice if a woman does the first move, be it just a compliment or just sexual attraction in a bar, or more of an emotional initiation for something more in a date

It's flattering, and IMO it doesnt show the woman is "desperate" or "too easy", just that she has an interest in me
It could be due to my non-existant confidence and self-esteem, or due to that I personaly find it sweet and cute if the girl shows a lot of affection, instead of playing hard to get, but Im pretty sure I'm not the only one that likes it/apreciates it!

My 2 serious relationships that affected/changed me, started with the woman making the first move, confessing an attraction to me etc, I liked them too of course, but never expected anything other than rejection if I did anything




Although, I know there are men that get scared from it. My friend for example, back in high shcool, for a year a girl was trying to get him on a date. He REALLY liked her, but he never did it, he always felt that "im missreading the signs", and that she sees him as a friend, and that she is out of his league. In the end she gave up, and 2-3 years later in a party, she told him that she had a crush on him back then.

Outcast said:

I've never been the type of guy that goes chasing after a woman. I see it as a two way street; you have to want to be with me and show some initiative just as much as I do to you. It lets me know you are into me and we have the same feelings, so we skip a lot of the crap. That's not saying I never show initiative, if I see someone I might like or I find interesting then I'm not against taking the first step, but I get tired after all the chasing and I'll stop fairly quick if I'm not getting something in return. I like to meet in the middle.

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I want to point out with Outcast's reply that there is a difference between Initiation, Progressing, and Chasing.

In my experience, the initiative isn't the issue. I find it similar to what Eve is saying where if the female chased then it usually doesn't work out. My suggestion as noted by Outcast and several others (like Case), both parties need to show initiative without either chasing the other.