long distance relationship failure

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kystron

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Earlier in the year my boyfriend at the time, shared something with me he posted on here. And now here I am, because I have no other place to turn to, no place to write or anyone to share my feelings with.

For a year I was in a long distance relationship with an amazing guy from the UK. I can't begin to explain the connection we had, as though we had known each other all our lives. Even though there was a considerable amount of distance between us (5,000 miles) we had for the most part, an amazing LDR. I don't think we ever rushed things, we were very much in love and hopeful of being together for good one day. I saw myself marrying him, I had visions of one day having a family. I wanted things with him that I never wanted with another person. If there was ever any truth to the term 'soul mate', he was mine.

We had our fair share of problems, and mine was the distance and his inability to come see me. He wanted stability, to feel secure in our relationship. Every time I tried to go visit him, he'd push back and tell me he needed time, or had concerns, wasn't ready, wanted to come see me first, etc. With every 'no don't come here', and every time things got pushed back, my confidence started to fade. The doubts I had, and people put in my mind grew bigger. He was suppose to come in June, then it got pushed back until September, then it would be before the end of 2014, then it was going to be January 2015. Just never ending. While he needed stability (because I had broken up with him numerous times out of fear), I needed him to come visit me so I knew he was serious, that I wasn't being dragged on like I had in a previous LDR that turned out to be nothing more than sick game.

Call me crazy, but I built up the courage to finally say enough. I knew I loved him and wanted to be with him. I booked a flight and a hotel this morning, I'd be in the UK by early next week. But upon sharing what should have been exciting news, I was met with resistance. He wasn't ready, he couldn't do it, wasn't ready to make it real, needed more time. Imagine my panic as I realize....I just booked it all. I asked him if he'd be at the airport, and he told me no. With tears streaming down my face and anxiety killing me, he told me he wouldn't be there, and he wouldn't spend time with me when I arrived. Luckily, I managed to cancel my flight in time so I should be getting that money back. But I am now out $1,219 for a hotel through priceline. Although he promises to pay me back next week, I'm not counting on it. I feel absolutely ill. Over losing my best friend and love of my life, who I thought was so genuine, so real, who truly loved me. And ill over the thought that I could be so easily discarded, that he didn't want me, or time with me, and that I lost SO much money! Not to mention, time off from work. A LOT of unpaid time off from work. And here I am, alone and trying my best to hold it together and figure out how to pick up the shattered pieces of my heart, and life. :(
 
I don't think anyone is crazy for coming to realization that they've had enough with something. I don't know who this person is, and I hope I don't offend if they still visit the site. I'm just trying to be honest with you, as I've read through what you've posted. I think that if the dates are being pushed back further and further, then perhaps it's just not meant to happen. Perhaps that's the sign to both of you that you either need more time and more thinking this entire thing out. Because it is hard; I know it is. A lot of thought and effort needs to be put into keeping a relationship together - any time of relationship, and long distance or not - and many times, things just don't work out without working on it.

The main thing I can't believe though, is the fact that you would book this whole entire trip without even knowing for sure he would pick you up. I mean, if you had met each other before and he had been there waiting before, I wouldn't be as shocked. But, there is no record of him ever picking you up from anywhere. So it boggles my mind you would do that. I know you can't possibly blame him for that, because he had nothing to do with that. I feel for you, believe me, I really do. But that bit was all you. If he does pays you back, he's a good one or he's doing it out of guilt.

He might be genuine and true to you, but I think it's been made clear that he's not quite ready to meet with you. Who knows... He might be down the line, but right now, he's not. You can't force that. You can't make him be ready for something in life that he's just not ready for. Love is patient, from both sides.
 
I'm sorry you went through that. :( It sounds painful and difficult.

He never gave you a good, logical reason for why he didn't want to meet up with you? It sounds kind of fishy on his part. =/ A year seems like more than enough time.

It's also possible that he just wasn't ready for any kind of commitment. But if that's the case, he probably should have made that completely clear a lot sooner. Long distance relationships take a lot of commitment, and sometimes people go into them without considering that. Whatever his reasons, it's his loss. You did a lot to try and make it work. I hope you can still work things out. But if not, there are guys who will appreciate and want that kind of commitment from you.

It was a risk for you to book the flight and arrangements before you knew for sure that he wanted to meet, but I can kind of understand why you did it. I hope he does pay you back some of the money.

I'm very sorry for your loss of time and money, and even more sorry for your broken heart.
 
I too am very sorry.
Sad to say, his behavior is not of someone who seeks the same thing as you.
I'm not trying to be negative here, but think about it: if he truly wanted to be with you, there would be no excuses. no pushing back of attempts to meet face to face (I gather you have not met him in person yet?)
He is hiding something from you and not being upfront. I'd bet he is in a relationship with another girl. My advice is to just forget him altogether. He is not worth it. why? Allow me to present my example:

I experienced the same situation not long ago. I hired someone who was highly recommended to design my website. She lives in the middle part of the USA, whereas I am on the coast. Well, in time, we started to find out we had a strong connection, and a business virtual relationship transformed into a loving relationship (or so I thought it was at the time). She was the one who urged us to meet face to face, to see if a spark felt virtually would transform into something more. She wanted it, as did I. But when I suggested setting a date within that month, she shyly admitted that wouldn't work because she was dealing with a heavy workload. Seemed believable at the time.
Despite phone chats and near daily virtual contact, she kept cheering for us, yet would waffle on setting a date to meet. She would also vanish from contact for days, or weeks, blaming it on her workload and 18 hour workdays. This went on for several months, until I met another girl, who soon became my girlfriend. When she found out via a facebook mention, well the situation changed - she now begged for us to meet, before I gave my heart away to someone else. She'd pen long, romance novel type e-mails, urging me to reconsider. She was ready to meet up. But I could not do it, and i told her so. She then virtually cried and said I broke her heart.
But you know what? After my real life relationship failed, she came back, and said the failure I sadly experienced was meant to be - for she and I to be together, at last. She again swayed my heart towards her as we reconnected, with me still asking to meet. Then, she vanished, without warning and would not respond to me. For a year and a half she kept blowing me off, despite telling me she loved me.
i found out why - her ex boyfriend contacted me. it had been 3 months since i last heard a peep from miss wishy-washy. He angrily told me that he was not her "ex" and that they were engaged to be married. I had no idea, of course. He had seen her phone somehow, and was shocked and hurt to find out his fiance was messing around emotionally with another guy. He said that when confronted about me, she just said "some stones are best left unturned." He was certain that we had been involved physically based on our e-mails. I tried to convince him it was not true. To prove my side, I sent him every single e-mail we shared. That really crushed him. i was enraged that I was manipulated and lied to the whole entire time. Even made to feel guilty for choosing another girl.
I felt sorry for the guy. He then broke off the engagement, and that's when i finally met her, in person - the day she showed up unannounced, on my doorstep, late one night. I was stunned to see her. She told me she came to apologize, as i deserved an in-person explanation . I should have just slammed the door in her face. But I was vulnerable, having endured a bad outcome with her, and my ex girlfriend in the time span of less than a year. She warned me her ex had a vile temper, was obsessed with her and sHE was the one who ended their engagement!
So, sum up from there - this girl, who claimed to love me, promised that she would put forth the effort for us to spend last Christmas and New Years together. I spent a grand preparing a place to go and things to do while she came back here. But she canceled, citing different excuses. She urged me to fly out to see her instead, which I did, only to find her being somewhat distant. I wasted my money, because she eventually withdrew from me a week later, and hooked up with another guy.
In retrospect, she never had any intention to have a relationship with me from the start. As her ex fiance told me later, she only saw our relationship as a virtual fantasy - something she engaged me with to "kill time". She obviously suffers from a serious personality disorder since she lies and manipulates. Now that she has moved on to another guy, I realize that her visit to meet me, and promises of a relationship, etc was not an apology, but a way to get back at me for ruining her engagement. And I fell for it. I have so much hatred and resentment towards her, let alone being out $1,000 i could not get refunded.
 
First, I'm sorry this happened to you. I was in a LDR, but my experience was different than yours. In my case, we were excited to meet each other, and when we did, it was quite a lovely and memorable experience.

What was his reason for refusing to see you? It doesn't make any sense to me that someone in love would refuse to meet the object of his love.
 
I am not proud to say that I'm that guy :'(, I know I don't deserve any sympathy, but just to say I am sorry, it's been a hell of a year, with your fears paralysing me, the last few months I have done everything I could possibly do to get to you, without knowing day by day whether you would be still there when I got there, you broke up with me that many times that it became a part of my life, and I expected it, I know that I reacted badly tonight, because I'm so do scared of getting hurt, deep down I know I wouldn't have left you stranded, I just didn't know what else to say, it was just another case of, 'omg, she isn't prepared to wait until January, she's going to leave me again :(', I never meant for any of this, I never stopped loving you, money doesn't come into it, Iv spent the last year working two jobs at one point, not going out, just to be able to come and see you, so with that, I can at least give you back, I just, I love you, I sm so, so sorry :'(
 
I'm not really sure that any of us have the right to judge either party in the court of public opinion.
I actually said this recently to someone...
There are three sides to every story - what she thinks happened, what he thinks happened and what ACTUALLY happened.
Seems to me that both parties contributed to how the LDR played out.

I think the two of them need to work this out privately. Just my two cents.
 
I've been burned a few times by people that refused to be straight with me and didn't communicate properly. So when I read this kind of thing it sets me off easily.

I still stand by my initial reaction though. :/
 
kamya said:
I've been burned a few times by people that refused to be straight with me and didn't communicate properly. So when I read this kind of thing it sets me off easily.

I still stand by my initial reaction though. :/

+1
 
I understand, Kamya. But we don't know the entire story. Just thought it might be best to let them both handle it themselves.
 
chrish said:
I am not proud to say that I'm that guy :'(, I know I don't deserve any sympathy, but just to say I am sorry, it's been a hell of a year, with your fears paralysing me, the last few months I have done everything I could possibly do to get to you, without knowing day by day whether you would be still there when I got there, you broke up with me that many times that it became a part of my life, and I expected it, I know that I reacted badly tonight, because I'm so do scared of getting hurt, deep down I know I wouldn't have left you stranded, I just didn't know what else to say, it was just another case of, 'omg, she isn't prepared to wait until January, she's going to leave me again :(', I never meant for any of this, I never stopped loving you, money doesn't come into it, Iv spent the last year working two jobs at one point, not going out, just to be able to come and see you, so with that, I can at least give you back, I just, I love you, I sm so, so sorry :'(

What if she rebooks the flight? What is stopping you from meeting her?
 
I dont think he ever had intentions on coming. I wouldnt rebook a flight, not after being told that I'll be left on my own when I showed up. Why push away someone just an hour prior to everything you said you loved. I am a FOOL for allowing myself to believe that I was loved, I spent 15 months of my life doing this. I am now the poster child for why you never do anything long distance. I know have to hide the shame of it all from family and friends because I'd never hear the end of it.
 
If I was involved with someone on this forum, or had broken up with them, or they broke up with me, I **** well wouldn't be putting it on DISPLAY here so people who knew both of us could judge and take sides. It's one think to need to talk about but maybe a different forum would have been better. Unless this was an attempt to get his attention? To call him out?
Really - you guys should just PM each other and not have your relationship (or ex relationship) open to the general public. Feelings will be hurt. Like I said...more than one side to the story.
 
^Ditto. Not sure who you are talking about but you indicate it is a member of this forum, we normally don't allow people to publicly air out negative things when it involves members of this forum.
 
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