iamsuchadork
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- Nov 26, 2014
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It should be expected, after all, I have pushed everyone away from me in one way or another. Sometimes in an obvious manner and sometimes in a passive manner. I am 35 years old now, and I have only ever had 2 friends to speak of. Those friendships are long gone now, and I am married. My relationship with my wife has become kind of distant. I almost blame her at times for keeping me stuck here in this tiny, desolate part of the world, where everyone is fake and the only relationships that exist are built in churches and that sort of thing. Well, I am atheist, so that isn't an option for me. I am a depressed person, and decided to try to get help this year. Well, that was a bust. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, then prescribed me with antidepressants. I gave them a try, but the only thing they did for me was make me yawn--a lot. After every yawn, I felt like I needed to vomit. Plus, they did absolutely nothing for my social anxiety. So, I stopped taking them and decided to go back to the next appointment, reluctantly. I went, and he prescribed me with a different one. WTF? I don't want sexual side effects! What is a man without his ability to engage sexually? I mean, correct me if I am wrong, but would the point of taking antidepressants not be to alleviate depression? Not make matters worse with ED or delayed/impossible climax. Needless to say, I didn't get my 2nd Rx filled, and I do not plan to return to the shrink.
So here is where I am. I am married but I feel completely alone. I don't speak to my family at all, and I have had more of a relationship with my in-laws than my own family. But, I view all of them with distrust and sometimes contempt. My entire identity has become, like, an extension of my wife. Her friends, her family, her life. If my marriage suddenly ended, so too would my existing social network. I don't understand how I got to this point, exactly. I have worked consistently, yet built no lasting acquaintances. I feel numb, or dead inside. I feel like I am in some really bizarre film where the sound is completely muted and I am just floating along in dark hallways with no idea of where I am or how I got here. I often think that it would be better if I just ended it, but I think I am too chicken honeysuckle for that. Like, if I were sitting there bleeding out, feeling woozy and going in and out of consciousness, I would suddenly feel panicked because I changed my mind (for whatever reason) and it would be too late, making the experience even more frightening and not at all the peaceful means to an end that I would prefer. I have no one and I have lost all interest in everything, including sex. All of the hobbies I used to enjoy now seem like wastes of time. I slept for about 11 hours last night. I woke up feeling like I was elderly, with the worst headache of my life. I threw up in my mouth a bit, a couple of times.
The point is, I don't believe in heaven and hell, but I can equate loneliness to the closest thing to hell that there is, and it is real. I don't know what to do, or where to turn. I have been drinking at night to try and keep myself in a sort of self-medicated state. I fight the desire to just pack a couple of items in my car and just leave--disappear somewhere, or anywhere. I fantasize that I take off and go as far as a tank of gas will take me, then hitch-hike from there. Life, like this, is not worth living.
Is anyone out there experiencing a similar situation? Feelings of complete despair and emptiness. Holding back tears during the most mundane daily tasks? Feeling worthless? Having cell and home phones that never receive calls/texts? I think I have totally disconnected from society, and I want to find a way back. I am afraid of what lies before me if I can't get back.
Thanks for reading, and sorry if that was incredibly long-winded.
So here is where I am. I am married but I feel completely alone. I don't speak to my family at all, and I have had more of a relationship with my in-laws than my own family. But, I view all of them with distrust and sometimes contempt. My entire identity has become, like, an extension of my wife. Her friends, her family, her life. If my marriage suddenly ended, so too would my existing social network. I don't understand how I got to this point, exactly. I have worked consistently, yet built no lasting acquaintances. I feel numb, or dead inside. I feel like I am in some really bizarre film where the sound is completely muted and I am just floating along in dark hallways with no idea of where I am or how I got here. I often think that it would be better if I just ended it, but I think I am too chicken honeysuckle for that. Like, if I were sitting there bleeding out, feeling woozy and going in and out of consciousness, I would suddenly feel panicked because I changed my mind (for whatever reason) and it would be too late, making the experience even more frightening and not at all the peaceful means to an end that I would prefer. I have no one and I have lost all interest in everything, including sex. All of the hobbies I used to enjoy now seem like wastes of time. I slept for about 11 hours last night. I woke up feeling like I was elderly, with the worst headache of my life. I threw up in my mouth a bit, a couple of times.
The point is, I don't believe in heaven and hell, but I can equate loneliness to the closest thing to hell that there is, and it is real. I don't know what to do, or where to turn. I have been drinking at night to try and keep myself in a sort of self-medicated state. I fight the desire to just pack a couple of items in my car and just leave--disappear somewhere, or anywhere. I fantasize that I take off and go as far as a tank of gas will take me, then hitch-hike from there. Life, like this, is not worth living.
Is anyone out there experiencing a similar situation? Feelings of complete despair and emptiness. Holding back tears during the most mundane daily tasks? Feeling worthless? Having cell and home phones that never receive calls/texts? I think I have totally disconnected from society, and I want to find a way back. I am afraid of what lies before me if I can't get back.
Thanks for reading, and sorry if that was incredibly long-winded.