A lone wolf lonely, go figure...

It should be expected, after all, I have pushed everyone away from me in one way or another. Sometimes in an obvious manner and sometimes in a passive manner. I am 35 years old now, and I have only ever had 2 friends to speak of. Those friendships are long gone now, and I am married. My relationship with my wife has become kind of distant. I almost blame her at times for keeping me stuck here in this tiny, desolate part of the world, where everyone is fake and the only relationships that exist are built in churches and that sort of thing. Well, I am atheist, so that isn't an option for me. I am a depressed person, and decided to try to get help this year. Well, that was a bust. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, then prescribed me with antidepressants. I gave them a try, but the only thing they did for me was make me yawn--a lot. After every yawn, I felt like I needed to vomit. Plus, they did absolutely nothing for my social anxiety. So, I stopped taking them and decided to go back to the next appointment, reluctantly. I went, and he prescribed me with a different one. WTF? I don't want sexual side effects! What is a man without his ability to engage sexually? I mean, correct me if I am wrong, but would the point of taking antidepressants not be to alleviate depression? Not make matters worse with ED or delayed/impossible climax. Needless to say, I didn't get my 2nd Rx filled, and I do not plan to return to the shrink.

So here is where I am. I am married but I feel completely alone. I don't speak to my family at all, and I have had more of a relationship with my in-laws than my own family. But, I view all of them with distrust and sometimes contempt. My entire identity has become, like, an extension of my wife. Her friends, her family, her life. If my marriage suddenly ended, so too would my existing social network. I don't understand how I got to this point, exactly. I have worked consistently, yet built no lasting acquaintances. I feel numb, or dead inside. I feel like I am in some really bizarre film where the sound is completely muted and I am just floating along in dark hallways with no idea of where I am or how I got here. I often think that it would be better if I just ended it, but I think I am too chicken honeysuckle for that. Like, if I were sitting there bleeding out, feeling woozy and going in and out of consciousness, I would suddenly feel panicked because I changed my mind (for whatever reason) and it would be too late, making the experience even more frightening and not at all the peaceful means to an end that I would prefer. I have no one and I have lost all interest in everything, including sex. All of the hobbies I used to enjoy now seem like wastes of time. I slept for about 11 hours last night. I woke up feeling like I was elderly, with the worst headache of my life. I threw up in my mouth a bit, a couple of times.

The point is, I don't believe in heaven and hell, but I can equate loneliness to the closest thing to hell that there is, and it is real. I don't know what to do, or where to turn. I have been drinking at night to try and keep myself in a sort of self-medicated state. I fight the desire to just pack a couple of items in my car and just leave--disappear somewhere, or anywhere. I fantasize that I take off and go as far as a tank of gas will take me, then hitch-hike from there. Life, like this, is not worth living.

Is anyone out there experiencing a similar situation? Feelings of complete despair and emptiness. Holding back tears during the most mundane daily tasks? Feeling worthless? Having cell and home phones that never receive calls/texts? I think I have totally disconnected from society, and I want to find a way back. I am afraid of what lies before me if I can't get back.

Thanks for reading, and sorry if that was incredibly long-winded.

Yes, I have felt complete despair, total aloness and complete emptiness and feelings of worthlesness for most of my adult life, so I can relate to you.
Does your wife know how low and unhappy you are feeling? Maybe you could work it through together if she would be supportive, and this might bring back the closeness into your marriage.
You wrote that you almost blame her for keeping you in a tiny and desolate part of the world. Would moving be an option or does she not want to move? In a different environment, where you would have a wider range of people to circulate with, you may find some friends who are more similar to yourself and your social life would not then depend on your wife to the extent it does at present.

I can relate to what you said a LOT, know you're not alone :/
Was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and the medication was bad, didnt help at all
And the way you feel, Im pretty sure many of us on these forums feel the same, sadly it's so common, bad so hard to fight

As Tiina63 said, does your wife know how you feel?
Also, if you cant take the place you're at, leave, take a week(end) off and travel somewhere, take a break from the daily routine. And it's easier said than done, but try to meet people and make your own friends, along with your wife's

Force yourself to get back into any hobbies you used to enjoy. It feels like nothing is fun or interesting, some days it feels like the only thing you got to look for is the night so you can sleep and end this torture, I know. But it's all in your mind. I doubt there is a way to fight it, other than going against yourself,against your mind. Try to keep thoughts like "what if I cant do it?" and "what if im so broken that i'll be like this forever?" out, and replace them with "I can do it" and "I can feel better".

Thanks for the replies, I certainly appreciate them.

Yes I have spoken to my wife about the issues, and from the beginning, I have tried to make it quite clear that I am "damaged goods". I have always struggled in social situations and it left me broken. She has tried to understand, but she can't. I think she views my mental disorders as an excuse--a " get out of jail free" card, of sorts. Her playing down my illness has led to further lack of trust. I absorb her nonchalant view and internalize the feelings, further beating myself up.
She has toughed out most of my deep depressive episodes, but for the longest time I could talk to no one, choosing instead to write my thought in notebooks. I feel ashamed of being such a person, and I often destroy the notes. Its difficult, and it puts a lot of strain on our marriage. That's where the wanderlust comes in. Living in such a secluded place makes the air thick and heavy. The house is always dark. A year ago, I was almost agoraphobic, baracading myself in the house and hiding if anyone knocked on the door or called. Today, I am not much better off. I do leave the house but when I am out and about, around people, I am so on edge and it causes my symptoms to go into overdrive. I was taking Cymbalta with no positive results, and like I said, not looking to try the new Rx at this time. Nothing seems to help, so I cling to an idea that one day I will be able to move away and start clean. I really don't want to be that cranky old regretful man in my final years. But I have absolutely no idea where to start to get myself back to people. I generally dislike people, yet I long to be around them--accepted, cared about... Even loved.
I think it may be impossible.

I can still relate to so much.

Its not impossible. Accepting the "issue" and wanting to change is the first step. I have no idea what the other steps are, but it's possible, it's all up to you. if you want to change, you'll find the way! That's what everyone is telling me, and the reason I keep going, believe in yourself and your will to feel better, and you'll find the way to do it

It must be so incredibly lonely being married to someone who can't really relate to how you are feeling. I think that many people who have not experienced themselves depressive illness and other similar problems do struggle to understand what it is really like. Maybe she could speak to a professional about it, who may be able to explain to her fully what you are going through so that she comes to accept that you are in no way to blame for your illness. She has, as you have written, toughed it out through your depressive episodes, so she clearly hopes that your marriage will last. You both need a support group-one for you made up of fellow sufferers, and the other for their loved ones.

Many people would say, "Well at least you have a wife", but experience has taught me that being with the wrong person can be worse than being with no one at all.