Descent into the madness of disposability

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EveWasFramed

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I rarely ask my family or friends (the few I have) for ANYTHING.
Not money, not favors, and certainly not an ear to listen. I'm a fairly private person, who doesn't tend to open myself up to speculation, ridicule or pity from others. I have no idea why I'm this way, other than perhaps being burned in the past (on the few occasions I dared to open myself up).

I've been in a very dark place the past few days (sorry to anyone that hasn't gotten a return PM from me). I texted my youngest brother to let him know someone was looking for him (he'd gone out of town this week). He immediately texted me back to let me know he got the text.
Feeling very vulnerable, I asked him if he could spend a little time with me tomorrow, that I needed someone to talk to. (Keep in mind, I allowed him and his gf to come stay with me when they ran into some financial difficulties and they are still staying in my home). An hour later, still no reply. I texted a second time. No reply.

So, I decided to do something I wouldn't normally do, and that was to post here, on this forum.

I read an article a few months back that suggested that a lot of men like to date younger women because they haven't been made bitter yet by relationships, like women in their 40s and 50s. I can't locate the article on line to link it, but apparently there were several hundred interviews conducted. No, I'm not agreeing nor disagreeing with the article, it just happened to be something I recalled today, due to the emotional state I find myself in these past few days.
For a variety of reasons, which I will go into later in this post, I wondered how much truth the article might have had in it. I wondered if/when I will become one of those bitter women in her 40s or 50s. The very idea struck utter terror into my heart. I don't want to be bitter and hateful toward the opposite sex (or anyone for that matter) due to events I've experienced in my life.
I will give you a brief history of my experiences with the opposite sex, for reference.

Husband One (who was also my first boyfriend):
Serial cheater, left him after six years of it. He didn't want me to leave, but I couldn't stand to be in his presence at the end.

Husband Two: An artful manipulator who was on drugs at the time we were dating and I had NO CLUE. How did I NOT know, you may ask? I'd never taken drugs nor been around anyone who did - that's how. He stopped taking the drugs and THEN I noticed something was wrong with him. He began isolating me from my family and friends and became violent. The final straw: he drew back to hit me in a fit of anger. He didn't hit me, but I left while he was gone to work three days later. He didn't want me to leave, but for obvious reasons, I did.

Guy 3: I dated a guy (after my second divorce) for about nine months. After repeated date cancellations (Valentine's Day, New Years, other random dates) due to his adult children always pulling him away from me, I decided I'd had enough. I wasn't important to him at all.
I feel this was the beginning of my descent into disposability.

Husband Three: I'll make a very long story very short. He left me because he was "no longer happy." Of course, his definition of "no longer happy" read a bit like this: "I'm addicted to internet porn, internet gambling and talking to other women on line - habits I picked up while you were in the states, raising my children and I was in Iraq."
So, while we were still married, living as husband and wife, he starts an on line relationship with a much younger woman in AUSTRALIA of all places and they plot to hook up after he leaves me. Two years after he left me, he never did meet her. She was a nut job.
So, again, I was disposable.

First bf after third husband leaves: A lovely guy (substantially younger) who I feel tried very hard to have a relationship with me. A few months later, he broke it off. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship. My life was fairly complex at the time and he probably WASNT ready for someone like me. He was kind to me, and while it was painful and took a long time to get past, I never felt like I was something disposable to him. We are still friends and I hope that one day soon, he finds someone special.

Fast forward about a year: Talked to a guy (on line) a little younger than me. It was pretty unexpected. There was mutual interest so we decided to see where it might go. I specifically asked about children, as I can't have anymore, and he didn't have any (he'd previously dated an older women who couldn't have more children). He said it really wasn't important to him. So, after talking for a substantial amount of time (on line, on the phone, etc) we planned to meet in a few months. A week later, he sends me a message saying he'd rethought the having kids thing. I was startled, it was out of the blue. So, that was that. Again, disposable. He was a decent guy - I hope he found what he was looking for.

Fast forward another six or eight months: Another guy from on line. Lots of mutual attraction, could talk about pretty much anything, etc, etc. We spoke every day, multiple times a day (via text, emails, etc).
After a couple of months, we decided I'd take a week off work and go see him (sort of a first meeting/vacation for me). Maybe a couple of weeks later, he suddenly stops contacting me. I got worried and sent an email and when he didn't respond after a couple of days, I called and left a voicemail. The next day, I got an email explaining that he'd met someone near him and he'd been spending time with her the past couple of days, which was why he was MIA. He apologized, etc. I actually understood why he'd want someone closer, but even HE knew he was a ********. Eventually, I allowed him to speak to me again, but it was still awkward for me. He's a decent guy too - I hope he finds what will make him happy. (No, he didn't date the other women too long before it ended).
Again, I was disposable.

Fast forward just a bit to my dating website experiences:
Lots of first dates, a few second or third ones, and one for about three months (there's a thread about him somewhere on the forum).
The only two noteworthy were the following (at least for the purpose of this thread):
Guy 1: Hit it off very well. He literally wouldn't let me go home after we had dinner the first time. He was CLEARLY smitten. Eventually I convinced him I'd go out with him again so he let me go. He peppered me with texts and phone calls and then came date number two. It went fine as well. He kept up with the texts and calls for a week. Then POOF. Nothing. Two months later, he texts that he has been busy, really misses me, etc. Reluctantly, I agree to another date. Same thing as before...he was delighted to see me and we had a great time. Texts and calls for another week. Then nothing. I never heard from him after that.
Again, disposable.

Guy 2 (the one I dated for about 3 months):
He initiated the first date. Took me to lunch the very next day. We saw each other 2-3 times a week for three months. There was no sex involved, but he seemed to really enjoy my company.
He went to TX for a ten day family reunion. I texted him the day he went to make sure he'd arrived in one piece.
Not another word from him, until three months later, he walked into my office and wanted to set up an appointment for an estimate. I assume he was there to see if I still had any interest in him. I didn't.
That was some months ago.
Again, disposable.

And finally: (I'll try to make this short)
I spoke to someone that I hadn't spoken to in a long time (on line).
There had always been some sort of spark there (maybe just because we had a lot in common) and we started talking. I was interested and so was he (he made that clear). After talking a while we finally speak on the phone. Great conversation, lots in common...it was very nice. I thought to myself...it's rare to find someone I might actually be compatible with. The convo was two plus hours long.
The next day, I was treated to (I'll paraphrase):
"It's not you, you're fabulous, I'd like to be friends, I'm not in a place to blah, blah, blah."
He's a decent guy too. I hope he finds someone eventually as well.

Again, disposable.

I have to wonder if I'm doing something to cause people to abruptly discard me. I know I'm not perfect but I have a lot to offer someone. Love, loyalty, understanding, empathy...
Of all the men (listed above) who have come into my life in some sort of romantic capacity, almost NONE of them are similar in personality. I can't even blame it on "I attract or am attracted to the wrong kind of man."
So, if it's not them, it must be me, right?

I mean...my own family uses me as something disposable. My mother is the one exception. My child doesn't do it now, but she will be a teenager in a few years, so I imagine she'll do it to. I can't fault her for it, kids do that kind of crap. I think my family (most of them anyway) love me, they just don't see me as human or something.
I'm the "go to" person. I'm the ear that listens, the shoulder that gets cried on and the personal banker in some cases. I think that sometimes, things become the "norm" even if they're messed up.

I have no idea why I'm even writing all this. Catharsis I suppose.

I don't want to be a bitter person and I have to wonder, at what point, it might become inevitable. Do I simply keep interacting with people, knowing I'm nothing more than something disposable to them? Or, do I turn into a recluse, who keeps my interactions with others to a minimum, to avoid being repeatedly hurt?

I apologize for the long post but thank you to anyone who reads or replies. As I said, I don't usually share this much of myself, so it's left me feeling pretty vulnerable.
 
The first thing i want to tell you is you are NOT DISPOSABLE , please dont say that even if it feels like its the only truth, its not true. Second before i reply in earnest i just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to type all that up and be open about it and talk about it and i hope you get some good feedback and some of it helps you. Third thing i want to do is say im sorry people are so callous and cold and caluclating and all the other honeysuckle people seem to do that ill never understand, men women, old young, all of us as a race sometimes i think all hope is lost and then days like today mine and my wifes nephews are over here were babysitting ones not a year old and the other is 2 and a half. Just seeing them helps me remember there is still good in the world and hope for us.

For me ive gone through something similar with people but its been with friends, which you would think would be a billion times easier to make than a relationship with somebody special, but i cant even seem to get that right and i have things happen like this constantly that make me feel just like you said disposable and like a throw away person. Im in no way saying my experience with friends in anyway can compare to the loss you feel from dealing with these relationships that abruptly end but it still makes me feel like honeysuckle when people constantly do that kinda thing and behave the same way no matter what you do it seems like.

I posted this for somebody yesterday i had found and maybe itd be worth reading for you too, even though these people dont have the same personalities habits etc maybe theres some common factor you overlooked that draws you to them and makes you feel comfortable with them even though deep down even without realizing it you know itll go bad. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...y/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction Im saying this is maybe something subconciously and not even something you give a second thought to but its there in the back of your mind.

I have a lot of trouble picking up social cues and things from people and never know how to act, how to stand, what to talk about etc and the more i study it the more i realize i do so many things without realizing it uncontrolable things that push people away like seeming to be closed off, saying things with bad timing that come across the wrong way. All these things i dont even realize im doing them until later on ill look back. Sometimes i say things to my wife and hurt her feelings then i feel terrible afterwards and immediately appologize. The point of all this is, sometimes we do so much in our lives without even realizing it. I read something one time, i think it was on a budhist website talking about the ego and how we believe ourselves to be a certain way and who we are based on our past experiences, but the only thing we really need to do to change our lives is change whats in the present. We hang on to the past because we believe it defines us, and it does if we let it. I have such a hard time with that as does the majority of people but i truly believe if we can learn to live in the now and not the past well be a lot happier. Not that im saying you live in the past anymore than i do personally but hopefully you get what im saying.

I noticed something else too, a few of those guys you met online. Maybe you should try meeting people in a different way and might have better luck. Also try dating a guy you wouldnt normally consider dating if what youve tried in the past didnt work, usually in those romantic comedies and everything thats how it works, somebodys miserable their whole lives and then one magic day they stumble onto somebody they wouldnt look at twice but there it is, true love. Happily ever after and all that other hollywood crap they jam down our throats lol. I poke fun at it but i still believe in all that stuff, and beauty in the world, no matter how ugly the world gets and how cruel people can be, as long as we dont let ourselves become like them then the world has a chance to heal and be a better place. That is how you dont become bitter, you just make a quiet decision to not let those people affect you.YOU are not disposable, the people who couldnt be bothered to be honest with you and took the easy way out and treated you baddly, THOSE people are disposable, not you.

Please be kind to yourself and stop saying your disposable, whatever you tell yourself over time you believe that if you say it enough.

I came on here to make friends and help people, so if it would help having somebody to talk to then im happy to talk with you, but either way i sincerely hope you get past all this and find peace and love in your life. You are a good person i can tell and you deserve it. Please dont give up, theres good people still left out here, and somebody for you as well, but they may just not be where youre looking at and youll find them when you least expect it. Hard to believe now but its true.

God bless and best wishes and i meant what i said, pm me if itll help having somebody to talk to.
 
Eve ((((hugs)))))

I can't think of the right words right now, so for now a hug and I can relate to some what you have experienced and how you feel now.
 
Also a quick note on the subject of family, i get totally too about the brother thing, i dont even talk to my brother and sister because they act like total tools, and i had one cousin that i thought was actually decent, but he came up here needed a place to stay we let him stay and then after that he left and havent heard from him thats been about 3 years ago now. Sometimes family can hurt you worse than anybody because theyre supposed to be the rock our lives are built on but in my case theyve always been more quicksand than anything, so sorry about your bro too. Thats not your fault either, people are just Aholes sometimes.
 
EveWasFramed said:
I rarely ask my family or friends (the few I have) for ANYTHING.
Not money, not favors, and certainly not an ear to listen. I'm a fairly private person, who doesn't tend to open myself up to speculation, ridicule or pity from others. I have no idea why I'm this way, other than perhaps being burned in the past (on the few occasions I dared to open myself up).

I've been in a very dark place the past few days (sorry to anyone that hasn't gotten a return PM from me). I texted my youngest brother to let him know someone was looking for him (he'd gone out of town this week). He immediately texted me back to let me know he got the text.
Feeling very vulnerable, I asked him if he could spend a little time with me tomorrow, that I needed someone to talk to. (Keep in mind, I allowed him and his gf to come stay with me when they ran into some financial difficulties and they are still staying in my home). An hour later, still no reply. I texted a second time. No reply.

So, I decided to do something I wouldn't normally do, and that was to post here, on this forum.

I read an article a few months back that suggested that a lot of men like to date younger women because they haven't been made bitter yet by relationships, like women in their 40s and 50s. I can't locate the article on line to link it, but apparently there were several hundred interviews conducted. No, I'm not agreeing nor disagreeing with the article, it just happened to be something I recalled today, due to the emotional state I find myself in these past few days.
For a variety of reasons, which I will go into later in this post, I wondered how much truth the article might have had in it. I wondered if/when I will become one of those bitter women in her 40s or 50s. The very idea struck utter terror into my heart. I don't want to be bitter and hateful toward the opposite sex (or anyone for that matter) due to events I've experienced in my life.
I will give you a brief history of my experiences with the opposite sex, for reference.

Husband One (who was also my first boyfriend):
Serial cheater, left him after six years of it. He didn't want me to leave, but I couldn't stand to be in his presence at the end.

Husband Two: An artful manipulator who was on drugs at the time we were dating and I had NO CLUE. How did I NOT know, you may ask? I'd never taken drugs nor been around anyone who did - that's how. He stopped taking the drugs and THEN I noticed something was wrong with him. He began isolating me from my family and friends and became violent. The final straw: he drew back to hit me in a fit of anger. He didn't hit me, but I left while he was gone to work three days later. He didn't want me to leave, but for obvious reasons, I did.

Guy 3: I dated a guy (after my second divorce) for about nine months. After repeated date cancellations (Valentine's Day, New Years, other random dates) due to his adult children always pulling him away from me, I decided I'd had enough. I wasn't important to him at all.
I feel this was the beginning of my descent into disposability.

Husband Three: I'll make a very long story very short. He left me because he was "no longer happy." Of course, his definition of "no longer happy" read a bit like this: "I'm addicted to internet porn, internet gambling and talking to other women on line - habits I picked up while you were in the states, raising my children and I was in Iraq."
So, while we were still married, living as husband and wife, he starts an on line relationship with a much younger woman in AUSTRALIA of all places and they plot to hook up after he leaves me. Two years after he left me, he never did meet her. She was a nut job.
So, again, I was disposable.

First bf after third husband leaves: A lovely guy (substantially younger) who I feel tried very hard to have a relationship with me. A few months later, he broke it off. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship. My life was fairly complex at the time and he probably WASNT ready for someone like me. He was kind to me, and while it was painful and took a long time to get past, I never felt like I was something disposable to him. We are still friends and I hope that one day soon, he finds someone special.

Fast forward about a year: Talked to a guy (on line) a little younger than me. It was pretty unexpected. There was mutual interest so we decided to see where it might go. I specifically asked about children, as I can't have anymore, and he didn't have any (he'd previously dated an older women who couldn't have more children). He said it really wasn't important to him. So, after talking for a substantial amount of time (on line, on the phone, etc) we planned to meet in a few months. A week later, he sends me a message saying he'd rethought the having kids thing. I was startled, it was out of the blue. So, that was that. Again, disposable. He was a decent guy - I hope he found what he was looking for.

Fast forward another six or eight months: Another guy from on line. Lots of mutual attraction, could talk about pretty much anything, etc, etc. We spoke every day, multiple times a day (via text, emails, etc).
After a couple of months, we decided I'd take a week off work and go see him (sort of a first meeting/vacation for me). Maybe a couple of weeks later, he suddenly stops contacting me. I got worried and sent an email and when he didn't respond after a couple of days, I called and left a voicemail. The next day, I got an email explaining that he'd met someone near him and he'd been spending time with her the past couple of days, which was why he was MIA. He apologized, etc. I actually understood why he'd want someone closer, but even HE knew he was a ********. Eventually, I allowed him to speak to me again, but it was still awkward for me. He's a decent guy too - I hope he finds what will make him happy. (No, he didn't date the other women too long before it ended).
Again, I was disposable.

Fast forward just a bit to my dating website experiences:
Lots of first dates, a few second or third ones, and one for about three months (there's a thread about him somewhere on the forum).
The only two noteworthy were the following (at least for the purpose of this thread):
Guy 1: Hit it off very well. He literally wouldn't let me go home after we had dinner the first time. He was CLEARLY smitten. Eventually I convinced him I'd go out with him again so he let me go. He peppered me with texts and phone calls and then came date number two. It went fine as well. He kept up with the texts and calls for a week. Then POOF. Nothing. Two months later, he texts that he has been busy, really misses me, etc. Reluctantly, I agree to another date. Same thing as before...he was delighted to see me and we had a great time. Texts and calls for another week. Then nothing. I never heard from him after that.
Again, disposable.

Guy 2 (the one I dated for about 3 months):
He initiated the first date. Took me to lunch the very next day. We saw each other 2-3 times a week for three months. There was no sex involved, but he seemed to really enjoy my company.
He went to TX for a ten day family reunion. I texted him the day he went to make sure he'd arrived in one piece.
Not another word from him, until three months later, he walked into my office and wanted to set up an appointment for an estimate. I assume he was there to see if I still had any interest in him. I didn't.
That was some months ago.
Again, disposable.

And finally: (I'll try to make this short)
I spoke to someone that I hadn't spoken to in a long time (on line).
There had always been some sort of spark there (maybe just because we had a lot in common) and we started talking. I was interested and so was he (he made that clear). After talking a while we finally speak on the phone. Great conversation, lots in common...it was very nice. I thought to myself...it's rare to find someone I might actually be compatible with. The convo was two plus hours long.
The next day, I was treated to (I'll paraphrase):
"It's not you, you're fabulous, I'd like to be friends, I'm not in a place to blah, blah, blah."
He's a decent guy too. I hope he finds someone eventually as well.

Again, disposable.

I have to wonder if I'm doing something to cause people to abruptly discard me. I know I'm not perfect but I have a lot to offer someone. Love, loyalty, understanding, empathy...
Of all the men (listed above) who have come into my life in some sort of romantic capacity, almost NONE of them are similar in personality. I can't even blame it on "I attract or am attracted to the wrong kind of man."
So, if it's not them, it must be me, right?

I mean...my own family uses me as something disposable. My mother is the one exception. My child doesn't do it now, but she will be a teenager in a few years, so I imagine she'll do it to. I can't fault her for it, kids do that kind of crap. I think my family (most of them anyway) love me, they just don't see me as human or something.
I'm the "go to" person. I'm the ear that listens, the shoulder that gets cried on and the personal banker in some cases. I think that sometimes, things become the "norm" even if they're messed up.

I have no idea why I'm even writing all this. Catharsis I suppose.

I don't want to be a bitter person and I have to wonder, at what point, it might become inevitable. Do I simply keep interacting with people, knowing I'm nothing more than something disposable to them? Or, do I turn into a recluse, who keeps my interactions with others to a minimum, to avoid being repeatedly hurt?

I apologize for the long post but thank you to anyone who reads or replies. As I said, I don't usually share this much of myself, so it's left me feeling pretty vulnerable.

I am sorry all this crap has happened to you !
I think it's more bad luck than anything else.
 
Aw, Eve ((((hugs))))
No, of course you're not disposable. But I've been there too and fallen into the rabbit hole of self-criticism after that one person pushes you over the edge - like your brother.
You're not disposable - they are flaky and unreliable. Is that your fault? No.
I tried online dating and met quite a few men but most ended too just like you've described. Around that time I thought "there must be something seriously wrong with me". Now I don't think that way; it's amazing how much better I feel about myself since I dropped the idea of online dating a few years ago.
I have no idea if these experiences are more likely to make you bitter but if you're not already a generally bitter and cynical person, I would think not.
It's definitely harder when it feels like family rejects you, though. I've been there too!

-Teresa
 
I certainly do not see a disposable woman by any means. I think you are a wonderful person Eve and as much as what has happened to you is extremely painful. I like to believe there are sincere men out there. I can also relate to what you have posted. As a woman of the stated age. I do feel like at times I need a explanation from men for the behavior. However, that being said I also believe that the majority of men 95 percent do not do this. I truly hope that this ends for you and your prince charming is out there for you.. Blessed be dear will keep you in my devotions..
 
Disposable? Really now?
You're a great person Eve, you really are. You're kind and caring and judging from your posts, fun to be around. Their loss of course if they throw you away. A shame they would lose such a great friend. You are not disposable. The people who think that just can't see what a good friend you are.
Sorry all this has happened. I hope things work out well for you. You certainly deserve it that way. *hugs*
 
I hear ya, Eve.
It really hurts and sucks.
i myself feel unwanted, and I'm reminded of it whenever I venture out from behind my walls.

As a guy in his early 50s, I get the same kinda wishy-washy treatment from the ladies. the 'about face', the excuses, and worst of all, the lying / manipulations of actions that belie words.
If not that, I get kicked to the curb for myriad reasons. i do own up to my mistakes, but the behaviors of the last few ladies revealed damages that were so well hidden, until the time of being exposed. By then, so much time, emotion, feelings, and effort had been put forth. Guess who is ALWAYS left holding the emotional bag? Me. Am I bitter and jaded? Yup. Who wouldn't be?

While the web has expanded possibilities of finding a connection / partner, it has also provides for unlimited social contacts beyond that of monogamy. Those younger than myself are addicted to social media. Maybe they cannot handle a one-on-one relationship? The need to humanly multi-task seems to be the new, modern day norm.

It seems everyone is constantly on the prowl to either cheat, upgrade, or just flat out portray themselves as something they are not.
My ex was always on her phone, texting guys, etc. while professing that I was 'the one'. Tried to hide what was going on.

I have had very few relationships, perhaps I too am damaged beyond repair. i only seem to attract damaged ladies, 'normal' ladies do not find me to be good enough (I'm not handsome, well off, devoid of assets, health issues, and aging out). I've gone DECADES without any romantic partner / touch and it permeates my life every single day. The last two years 2013 / 2014 have been beyond depressing / frustrating. I am not the same person I was before recent upheavals. i hope you are able to keep your sense of self-worth. It is very difficult to do when actions of others continue to assault your empathy.

As an empath who treats others the way I wish to be treated, I feel like I have a neon target on my back.
Stay strong. At least you have a child to cherish and live for. It's too late for me.
 
I don't have much to say other than that I can relate to some of that. It sucks feeling like you don't mean much to anyone. No one really caring about your feelings.

This part can really suck after hearing it over and over.
EVE said:
"It's not you, you're fabulous, I'd like to be friends, I'm not in a place to blah, blah, blah."

also this

ABrokenMan said:
As a guy in his early 50s, I get the same kinda wishy-washy treatment from the ladies. the 'about face', the excuses, and worst of all, the lying / manipulations of actions that belie words.
If not that, I get kicked to the curb for myriad reasons. i do own up to my mistakes, but the behaviors of the last few ladies revealed damages that were so well hidden, until the time of being exposed. By then, so much time, emotion, feelings, and effort had been put forth. Guess who is ALWAYS left holding the emotional bag? Me. Am I bitter and jaded? Yup. Who wouldn't be?

Hopefully things get better for everyone.
 
I'm actually getting mad at reading this. And I'll tell you why. You're worth so much more than a few failed boyfriends or husbands or however many first days anyone could have in their lifetime. It's all just honeysuckle that happens. You are not disposable. You never were and you never will be, and if you ever meet someone that tells you otherwise, they need to be cracked in their kneecaps. You're not the disposable one; They are. I know most about the third husband, and he was such a nutter, I don't even think he believed his own bullshit. I'm glad I never met him because I would have pushed him down the steps to the garage and ran him over with a car. He would have been eating tires for dinner every night.

Don't ever think that you're less of a person or disposable to anyone because some people don't care to know your worth. That's their loss. You're respectful, you're beautiful, you're such a lovely person, that I'm sure I only know a tiny amount of how caring you are, and you've shown me more care than most of my own family members did my whole life. F*** them and f*** how they treated you, that's what I say.
 
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Dear Evelicious,

Usually I can't force myself to read long pieces of text on this forum, and it took me around 10 minutes to get through your text.

That must mean I care about you.

I do.

If it is worth anything, you are not disposible to me.

You need to find a guy that is just as kind and helpful as you are to others. That way you will even each other out.

I know when I was on my most recent antidepressant, it took away my irritability that I usually have, and gave me more compassion for others (a trait I already had, it just magnified it). And, I found that people tended to push me around more and take me for granted. Maybe the two aren't connected, but I have a sneaking suspicion the nicer and kinder you are as a person, the more people discount your worth and try to push you around.

This says less about your worth and more about human nature in general.

-Soph
 
Dear Eve, I don't know you except for your posts but I think you are a wonderful person, full of life and heart and brains, and I don't really know why you had this honestly depressing succession of bad experiences.

I was going to share my list of monsters here (that's how I call my exes, and honestly I try not to be bitter, it's just an objective truth) but I think I will do it in a pm because, well, I am ashamed, although probably my list would make a lot of people who feel unlucky in love feel better.

One thing that I noticed in "my" pattern: I was not capable of reading the signs very early on, signs that any woman with a decent childhood and emotional education would have done - I would somehow skip on the bad parts of someone's personality, and I have to say that two other factors weighted in: that I try to avoid facing the bad things in life (I am a Libra after all) and that usually I tend to be too nice and forgive people because, well, they make mistakes (big mistake on my part).
Anyway: a big hug and don't give up - go to therapy, do rebirthing, EFT, join a cult, but please let's not give up on love.
 
shadetree said:
The first thing i want to tell you is you are NOT DISPOSABLE , please dont say that even if it feels like its the only truth, its not true. Second before i reply in earnest i just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to type all that up and be open about it and talk about it and i hope you get some good feedback and some of it helps you. Third thing i want to do is say im sorry people are so callous and cold and caluclating and all the other honeysuckle people seem to do that ill never understand, men women, old young, all of us as a race sometimes i think all hope is lost and then days like today mine and my wifes nephews are over here were babysitting ones not a year old and the other is 2 and a half. Just seeing them helps me remember there is still good in the world and hope for us.

I'm going to edit out some parts of the posts, simply to save space.

I enjoyed reading the article you linked. I don't feel it really applies to me, but it was an interesting read and I can certainly see how people may have a "pattern" and not even realize it.
I'd like to thank you very much for your support and kind words. It's been a rough last few days and your encouragement meant a lot to me. *hug*


She-ra said:
Eve ((((hugs)))))

I can't think of the right words right now, so for now a hug and I can relate to some what you have experienced and how you feel now.

No words needed. I know it was a lot to read and take in and just having someone reply with kind words means the world to me at the moment. A heartfelt thank you to you. *hug*


shadetree said:
Sometimes family can hurt you worse than anybody because theyre supposed to be the rock our lives are built on but in my case theyve always been more quicksand than anything, so sorry about your bro too. Thats not your fault either, people are just Aholes sometimes.

Yup...the ones you care about the most can hurt you the deepest.


Triple Bogey said:
I am sorry all this crap has happened to you !
I think it's more bad luck than anything else.

Thank you, TB. I appreciate that. *hug*


SofiasMami said:
Aw, Eve ((((hugs))))
No, of course you're not disposable. But I've been there too and fallen into the rabbit hole of self-criticism after that one person pushes you over the edge...
I have no idea if these experiences are more likely to make you bitter but if you're not already a generally bitter and cynical person, I would think not.
It's definitely harder when it feels like family rejects you, though. I've been there too!

-Teresa

You're a doll, Teresa. I thank you for the support and it's nice to know so many can understand what I'm feeling. *hug*


Arachne said:
I certainly do not see a disposable woman by any means. I think you are a wonderful person Eve and as much as what has happened to you is extremely painful. I like to believe there are sincere men out there. I can also relate to what you have posted. As a woman of the stated age. I do feel like at times I need a explanation from men for the behavior. However, that being said I also believe that the majority of men 95 percent do not do this. I truly hope that this ends for you and your prince charming is out there for you.. Blessed be dear will keep you in my devotions..

Thank you Arachne.
I'm not sure about Prince Charming anymore, but I do see that there are some lovely people out there, especially the ones who have supported me in my time of need, like you. *hug*


Mr Seal The Albatros said:
Disposable? Really now?
You're a great person Eve, you really are. You're kind and caring and judging from your posts, fun to be around. Their loss of course if they throw you away. A shame they would lose such a great friend. You are not disposable. The people who think that just can't see what a good friend you are.
Sorry all this has happened. I hope things work out well for you. You certainly deserve it that way. *hugs*

I'm not going to suggest it's their loss. People want what they want and I understand that. I won't blame my own feelings on them.
You're a lovely soul and your kind words truly make me feel like there is still some good in the hearts of people. *hug*


ABrokenMan said:
I hear ya, Eve.
It really hurts and sucks.

Bless you, ABM.
I know you're suffered through some very emotional circumstances as well and I wish you the very best. *hug*


kamya said:
I don't have much to say other than that I can relate to some of that. It sucks feeling like you don't mean much to anyone. No one really caring about your feelings.

Hopefully things get better for everyone.

I appreciate that, Kamya. I'm sorry that you can relate, actually. I wouldn't wish those kinds of feelings on anyone. When you said, "feeling like you don't mean much to anyone" you really hit the nail on the head. Thank you for understanding. *hug*


Punisher said:

Aww... :) Thanks, Pun. You're a sweetheart. Hugs back to you, my lovely.


SophiaGrace said:
Dear Evelicious,

Usually I can't force myself to read long pieces of text on this forum, and it took me around 10 minutes to get through your text.
That must mean I care about you.
This says less about your worth and more about human nature in general.

-Soph

I appreciate that, Soph - I know it was a very long read and didn't expect many people to read it. You are likely right about it being human nature, but that's kind of depressing, even if true. It makes me wonder what we (everyone) are evolving into.
I REALLY appreciate the time you took to read and reply. *hug*


Peaches said:
Dear Eve, I don't know you except for your posts but I think you are a wonderful person, full of life and heart and brains, and I don't really know why you had this honestly depressing succession of bad experiences.

I was going to share my list of monsters here (that's how I call my exes, and honestly I try not to be bitter, it's just an objective truth) but I think I will do it in a pm because, well, I am ashamed, although probably my list would make a lot of people who feel unlucky in love feel better.

One thing that I noticed in "my" pattern: I was not capable of reading the signs very early on, signs that any woman with a decent childhood and emotional education would have done - I would somehow skip on the bad parts of someone's personality, and I have to say that two other factors weighted in: that I try to avoid facing the bad things in life (I am a Libra after all) and that usually I tend to be too nice and forgive people because, well, they make mistakes (big mistake on my part).
Anyway: a big hug and don't give up - go to therapy, do rebirthing, EFT, join a cult, but please let's not give up on love.

Im not sure being forgiving is ever a mistake, Peaches. I think it makes you a wonderful person (among many other lovely attributes, of course). Never stop being you. Thank you for your understanding. *hug*


VanillaCreme said:
I'm actually getting mad at reading this. And I'll tell you why. You're worth so much more than a few failed boyfriends or husbands or however many first days anyone could have in their lifetime. It's all just honeysuckle that happens. You are not disposable. You never were and you never will be, and if you ever meet someone that tells you otherwise, they need to be cracked in their kneecaps. You're not the disposable one; They are. I know most about the third husband, and he was such a nutter, I don't even think he believed his own bullshit. I'm glad I never met him because I would have pushed him down the steps to the garage and ran him over with a car. He would have been eating tires for dinner every night.

Don't ever think that you're less of a person or disposable to anyone because some people don't care to know your worth. That's their loss. You're respectful, you're beautiful, you're such a lovely person, that I'm sure I only know a tiny amount of how caring you are, and you've shown me more care than most of my own family members did my whole life. F*** them and f*** how they treated you, that's what I say.

Yes, you of all people, do understand what my last marriage was like and the things that took place. You have stayed under my roof, we have eaten meals together and you've seen the real me (in real life).
What you've said here means so much to me.
I also know what YOU do for others and have done for your family. I'm happy to call you my friend. *hug*


..............

I would like to thank everyone who replied and the caring and understanding that has been offered to me here today. you are all lovely people and I'm very appreciative of your kindness.

I would also like to mention that I do not blame nor harbor ill will for a number of the people I mentioned in my post. People make choices (all of us) and they sometimes do it because they think it's what's best for them. We all do this and there's nothing wrong with it. Sometimes we hurt people - it's unavoidable. I do not fault anyone for making a conscious decision, after careful consideration. I feel like I made it clear which of the ones I felt were...less than kind to me. As for the others, yes, they hurt me, but when I said I hoped they would find what they are looking for, I really meant it.
I suppose that everyone is considered "disposable" to someone at some point in their lives. Hopefully it's not someone they really care about though.

Again, I thank you all for your kindness.
 
VanillaCreme said:
. I'm glad I never met him because I would have pushed him down the steps to the garage and ran him over with a car. He would have been eating tires for dinner every night.

this kind of bloodthirsty talk, I just LOVE it :D

honestly, most of these guys you describe sound like some sort of deadbeats without a capacity for real connection, it's not that you are disposable
 
Peaches said:
VanillaCreme said:
. I'm glad I never met him because I would have pushed him down the steps to the garage and ran him over with a car. He would have been eating tires for dinner every night.

this kind of bloodthirsty talk, I just LOVE it :D

honestly, most of these guys you describe sound like some sort of deadbeats without a capacity for real connection, it's not that you are disposable

LOL, well, Nilla understands about that last hubby. :p She is 100% right about him.
As for the others, like I said...some of them weren't really bad guys and I really do wish them well.
And though I know I'm not "disposable" sometimes you just can't help how you feel.
:p I can still envision Nilla shoving my ex down the stairs, especially since she probably remembers the stairs, lol!
 
EveWasFramed said:
Peaches said:
VanillaCreme said:
. I'm glad I never met him because I would have pushed him down the steps to the garage and ran him over with a car. He would have been eating tires for dinner every night.

this kind of bloodthirsty talk, I just LOVE it :D

honestly, most of these guys you describe sound like some sort of deadbeats without a capacity for real connection, it's not that you are disposable

LOL, well, Nilla understands about that last hubby. :p She is 100% right about him.
As for the others, like I said...some of them weren't really bad guys and I really do wish them well.
And though I know I'm not "disposable" sometimes you just can't help how you feel.
:p I can still envision Nilla shoving my ex down the stairs, especially since she probably remembers the stairs, lol!

Of course I remember. That staircase was pretty. I loved that whole house. But the steps to the garage was convenient because the washing machine and dryer were right there... We could wash the blood away in no time.






:D
 
EveWasFramed said:
I rarely ask my family or friends (the few I have) for ANYTHING.
Not money, not favors, and certainly not an ear to listen. I'm a fairly private person, who doesn't tend to open myself up to speculation, ridicule or pity from others. I have no idea why I'm this way, other than perhaps being burned in the past (on the few occasions I dared to open myself up).

I've been in a very dark place the past few days (sorry to anyone that hasn't gotten a return PM from me). I texted my youngest brother to let him know someone was looking for him (he'd gone out of town this week). He immediately texted me back to let me know he got the text.
Feeling very vulnerable, I asked him if he could spend a little time with me tomorrow, that I needed someone to talk to. (Keep in mind, I allowed him and his gf to come stay with me when they ran into some financial difficulties and they are still staying in my home). An hour later, still no reply. I texted a second time. No reply.

So, I decided to do something I wouldn't normally do, and that was to post here, on this forum.

I read an article a few months back that suggested that a lot of men like to date younger women because they haven't been made bitter yet by relationships, like women in their 40s and 50s. I can't locate the article on line to link it, but apparently there were several hundred interviews conducted. No, I'm not agreeing nor disagreeing with the article, it just happened to be something I recalled today, due to the emotional state I find myself in these past few days.
For a variety of reasons, which I will go into later in this post, I wondered how much truth the article might have had in it. I wondered if/when I will become one of those bitter women in her 40s or 50s. The very idea struck utter terror into my heart. I don't want to be bitter and hateful toward the opposite sex (or anyone for that matter) due to events I've experienced in my life.
I will give you a brief history of my experiences with the opposite sex, for reference.

Husband One (who was also my first boyfriend):
Serial cheater, left him after six years of it. He didn't want me to leave, but I couldn't stand to be in his presence at the end.

Husband Two: An artful manipulator who was on drugs at the time we were dating and I had NO CLUE. How did I NOT know, you may ask? I'd never taken drugs nor been around anyone who did - that's how. He stopped taking the drugs and THEN I noticed something was wrong with him. He began isolating me from my family and friends and became violent. The final straw: he drew back to hit me in a fit of anger. He didn't hit me, but I left while he was gone to work three days later. He didn't want me to leave, but for obvious reasons, I did.

Guy 3: I dated a guy (after my second divorce) for about nine months. After repeated date cancellations (Valentine's Day, New Years, other random dates) due to his adult children always pulling him away from me, I decided I'd had enough. I wasn't important to him at all.
I feel this was the beginning of my descent into disposability.

Husband Three: I'll make a very long story very short. He left me because he was "no longer happy." Of course, his definition of "no longer happy" read a bit like this: "I'm addicted to internet porn, internet gambling and talking to other women on line - habits I picked up while you were in the states, raising my children and I was in Iraq."
So, while we were still married, living as husband and wife, he starts an on line relationship with a much younger woman in AUSTRALIA of all places and they plot to hook up after he leaves me. Two years after he left me, he never did meet her. She was a nut job.
So, again, I was disposable.

First bf after third husband leaves: A lovely guy (substantially younger) who I feel tried very hard to have a relationship with me. A few months later, he broke it off. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship. My life was fairly complex at the time and he probably WASNT ready for someone like me. He was kind to me, and while it was painful and took a long time to get past, I never felt like I was something disposable to him. We are still friends and I hope that one day soon, he finds someone special.

Fast forward about a year: Talked to a guy (on line) a little younger than me. It was pretty unexpected. There was mutual interest so we decided to see where it might go. I specifically asked about children, as I can't have anymore, and he didn't have any (he'd previously dated an older women who couldn't have more children). He said it really wasn't important to him. So, after talking for a substantial amount of time (on line, on the phone, etc) we planned to meet in a few months. A week later, he sends me a message saying he'd rethought the having kids thing. I was startled, it was out of the blue. So, that was that. Again, disposable. He was a decent guy - I hope he found what he was looking for.

Fast forward another six or eight months: Another guy from on line. Lots of mutual attraction, could talk about pretty much anything, etc, etc. We spoke every day, multiple times a day (via text, emails, etc).
After a couple of months, we decided I'd take a week off work and go see him (sort of a first meeting/vacation for me). Maybe a couple of weeks later, he suddenly stops contacting me. I got worried and sent an email and when he didn't respond after a couple of days, I called and left a voicemail. The next day, I got an email explaining that he'd met someone near him and he'd been spending time with her the past couple of days, which was why he was MIA. He apologized, etc. I actually understood why he'd want someone closer, but even HE knew he was a ********. Eventually, I allowed him to speak to me again, but it was still awkward for me. He's a decent guy too - I hope he finds what will make him happy. (No, he didn't date the other women too long before it ended).
Again, I was disposable.

Fast forward just a bit to my dating website experiences:
Lots of first dates, a few second or third ones, and one for about three months (there's a thread about him somewhere on the forum).
The only two noteworthy were the following (at least for the purpose of this thread):
Guy 1: Hit it off very well. He literally wouldn't let me go home after we had dinner the first time. He was CLEARLY smitten. Eventually I convinced him I'd go out with him again so he let me go. He peppered me with texts and phone calls and then came date number two. It went fine as well. He kept up with the texts and calls for a week. Then POOF. Nothing. Two months later, he texts that he has been busy, really misses me, etc. Reluctantly, I agree to another date. Same thing as before...he was delighted to see me and we had a great time. Texts and calls for another week. Then nothing. I never heard from him after that.
Again, disposable.

Guy 2 (the one I dated for about 3 months):
He initiated the first date. Took me to lunch the very next day. We saw each other 2-3 times a week for three months. There was no sex involved, but he seemed to really enjoy my company.
He went to TX for a ten day family reunion. I texted him the day he went to make sure he'd arrived in one piece.
Not another word from him, until three months later, he walked into my office and wanted to set up an appointment for an estimate. I assume he was there to see if I still had any interest in him. I didn't.
That was some months ago.
Again, disposable.

And finally: (I'll try to make this short)
I spoke to someone that I hadn't spoken to in a long time (on line).
There had always been some sort of spark there (maybe just because we had a lot in common) and we started talking. I was interested and so was he (he made that clear). After talking a while we finally speak on the phone. Great conversation, lots in common...it was very nice. I thought to myself...it's rare to find someone I might actually be compatible with. The convo was two plus hours long.
The next day, I was treated to (I'll paraphrase):
"It's not you, you're fabulous, I'd like to be friends, I'm not in a place to blah, blah, blah."
He's a decent guy too. I hope he finds someone eventually as well.

Again, disposable.

I have to wonder if I'm doing something to cause people to abruptly discard me. I know I'm not perfect but I have a lot to offer someone. Love, loyalty, understanding, empathy...
Of all the men (listed above) who have come into my life in some sort of romantic capacity, almost NONE of them are similar in personality. I can't even blame it on "I attract or am attracted to the wrong kind of man."
So, if it's not them, it must be me, right?

I mean...my own family uses me as something disposable. My mother is the one exception. My child doesn't do it now, but she will be a teenager in a few years, so I imagine she'll do it to. I can't fault her for it, kids do that kind of crap. I think my family (most of them anyway) love me, they just don't see me as human or something.
I'm the "go to" person. I'm the ear that listens, the shoulder that gets cried on and the personal banker in some cases. I think that sometimes, things become the "norm" even if they're messed up.

I have no idea why I'm even writing all this. Catharsis I suppose.

I don't want to be a bitter person and I have to wonder, at what point, it might become inevitable. Do I simply keep interacting with people, knowing I'm nothing more than something disposable to them? Or, do I turn into a recluse, who keeps my interactions with others to a minimum, to avoid being repeatedly hurt?

I apologize for the long post but thank you to anyone who reads or replies. As I said, I don't usually share this much of myself, so it's left me feeling pretty vulnerable.

Eve *hugs*

I can't tell you how much I feel like I can relate reading your post, maybe the people I've been involved with didn't go as far as marriage, but they meant a lot to me and I gave a lot into my relationships with people. And every single time, I end up feeling disposable too. So I sort of know what you're saying here and can empathise with you. I'm sorry that you feel so badly because of all these things that have happened, but I can assure you that you're such a beautiful person inside and out, the wise words you have given me of advice and support when I needed them and just how warm you have been towards myself and others here just shows enough of a what a wonderful person you are.

I don't think it's you? I think it's just people in general. So I don't know how to fix this problem, because I find myself feeling disposable a lot myself. I think, it's just people in general. :\

My family treats me in a similar way, I'm always the back up support, always the one to clean up the messes and always the one needed to keep things going. And it's always wrong if I wanna do something for myself, or for my life ahead of me. And then once everyone gets comfortable, they forget about me.. pretty much.

I think it's something I've been facing with and dealing with in these past few months. Even good people do this to me.. and I question the same questions you have above. It got me really bitter and got me numbed and feeling empty mostly now... and I don't know how to get it back to how it was before this.

I know you're not asking for anything more than just for someone to hear you out, but I wish I had better advice or wise words to give you back as you have done so for me before. I wish there's more that I could do so that you could feel better with regards to this. It sucks to see you feeling down. You're a really strong and inspiring woman to me, and I have always looked up to you.

Someday soon, I hope, you'll meet someone really good and honest, someone who can appreciate and love you and get along well with you. Always giving you my best wishes and hope things turn out for the better for you, as you totally deserve that.

*hugs*

VanillaCreme said:
I'm actually getting mad at reading this. And I'll tell you why. You're worth so much more than a few failed boyfriends or husbands or however many first days anyone could have in their lifetime. It's all just honeysuckle that happens. You are not disposable. You never were and you never will be, and if you ever meet someone that tells you otherwise, they need to be cracked in their kneecaps. You're not the disposable one; They are. I know most about the third husband, and he was such a nutter, I don't even think he believed his own bullshit. I'm glad I never met him because I would have pushed him down the steps to the garage and ran him over with a car. He would have been eating tires for dinner every night.

Don't ever think that you're less of a person or disposable to anyone because some people don't care to know your worth. That's their loss. You're respectful, you're beautiful, you're such a lovely person, that I'm sure I only know a tiny amount of how caring you are, and you've shown me more care than most of my own family members did my whole life. F*** them and f*** how they treated you, that's what I say.

I love Nilla's post. It's awesome. And I'd totally agree with her.
 
I think you're likely right - it's just the way people have become these days. I'm not even 100% sure I can blame them all either. OK maybe some of them. :D

I know a bit about your experiences as well so I know you really do know how I'm feeling at the moment. *hug*

Bless you for your kindness and empathy.



ladyforsaken said:
EveWasFramed said:
I rarely ask my family or friends (the few I have) for ANYTHING.
Not money, not favors, and certainly not an ear to listen. I'm a fairly private person, who doesn't tend to open myself up to speculation, ridicule or pity from others. I have no idea why I'm this way, other than perhaps being burned in the past (on the few occasions I dared to open myself up).

I've been in a very dark place the past few days (sorry to anyone that hasn't gotten a return PM from me). I texted my youngest brother to let him know someone was looking for him (he'd gone out of town this week). He immediately texted me back to let me know he got the text.
Feeling very vulnerable, I asked him if he could spend a little time with me tomorrow, that I needed someone to talk to. (Keep in mind, I allowed him and his gf to come stay with me when they ran into some financial difficulties and they are still staying in my home). An hour later, still no reply. I texted a second time. No reply.

So, I decided to do something I wouldn't normally do, and that was to post here, on this forum.

I read an article a few months back that suggested that a lot of men like to date younger women because they haven't been made bitter yet by relationships, like women in their 40s and 50s. I can't locate the article on line to link it, but apparently there were several hundred interviews conducted. No, I'm not agreeing nor disagreeing with the article, it just happened to be something I recalled today, due to the emotional state I find myself in these past few days.
For a variety of reasons, which I will go into later in this post, I wondered how much truth the article might have had in it. I wondered if/when I will become one of those bitter women in her 40s or 50s. The very idea struck utter terror into my heart. I don't want to be bitter and hateful toward the opposite sex (or anyone for that matter) due to events I've experienced in my life.
I will give you a brief history of my experiences with the opposite sex, for reference.

Husband One (who was also my first boyfriend):
Serial cheater, left him after six years of it. He didn't want me to leave, but I couldn't stand to be in his presence at the end.

Husband Two: An artful manipulator who was on drugs at the time we were dating and I had NO CLUE. How did I NOT know, you may ask? I'd never taken drugs nor been around anyone who did - that's how. He stopped taking the drugs and THEN I noticed something was wrong with him. He began isolating me from my family and friends and became violent. The final straw: he drew back to hit me in a fit of anger. He didn't hit me, but I left while he was gone to work three days later. He didn't want me to leave, but for obvious reasons, I did.

Guy 3: I dated a guy (after my second divorce) for about nine months. After repeated date cancellations (Valentine's Day, New Years, other random dates) due to his adult children always pulling him away from me, I decided I'd had enough. I wasn't important to him at all.
I feel this was the beginning of my descent into disposability.

Husband Three: I'll make a very long story very short. He left me because he was "no longer happy." Of course, his definition of "no longer happy" read a bit like this: "I'm addicted to internet porn, internet gambling and talking to other women on line - habits I picked up while you were in the states, raising my children and I was in Iraq."
So, while we were still married, living as husband and wife, he starts an on line relationship with a much younger woman in AUSTRALIA of all places and they plot to hook up after he leaves me. Two years after he left me, he never did meet her. She was a nut job.
So, again, I was disposable.

First bf after third husband leaves: A lovely guy (substantially younger) who I feel tried very hard to have a relationship with me. A few months later, he broke it off. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship. My life was fairly complex at the time and he probably WASNT ready for someone like me. He was kind to me, and while it was painful and took a long time to get past, I never felt like I was something disposable to him. We are still friends and I hope that one day soon, he finds someone special.

Fast forward about a year: Talked to a guy (on line) a little younger than me. It was pretty unexpected. There was mutual interest so we decided to see where it might go. I specifically asked about children, as I can't have anymore, and he didn't have any (he'd previously dated an older women who couldn't have more children). He said it really wasn't important to him. So, after talking for a substantial amount of time (on line, on the phone, etc) we planned to meet in a few months. A week later, he sends me a message saying he'd rethought the having kids thing. I was startled, it was out of the blue. So, that was that. Again, disposable. He was a decent guy - I hope he found what he was looking for.

Fast forward another six or eight months: Another guy from on line. Lots of mutual attraction, could talk about pretty much anything, etc, etc. We spoke every day, multiple times a day (via text, emails, etc).
After a couple of months, we decided I'd take a week off work and go see him (sort of a first meeting/vacation for me). Maybe a couple of weeks later, he suddenly stops contacting me. I got worried and sent an email and when he didn't respond after a couple of days, I called and left a voicemail. The next day, I got an email explaining that he'd met someone near him and he'd been spending time with her the past couple of days, which was why he was MIA. He apologized, etc. I actually understood why he'd want someone closer, but even HE knew he was a ********. Eventually, I allowed him to speak to me again, but it was still awkward for me. He's a decent guy too - I hope he finds what will make him happy. (No, he didn't date the other women too long before it ended).
Again, I was disposable.

Fast forward just a bit to my dating website experiences:
Lots of first dates, a few second or third ones, and one for about three months (there's a thread about him somewhere on the forum).
The only two noteworthy were the following (at least for the purpose of this thread):
Guy 1: Hit it off very well. He literally wouldn't let me go home after we had dinner the first time. He was CLEARLY smitten. Eventually I convinced him I'd go out with him again so he let me go. He peppered me with texts and phone calls and then came date number two. It went fine as well. He kept up with the texts and calls for a week. Then POOF. Nothing. Two months later, he texts that he has been busy, really misses me, etc. Reluctantly, I agree to another date. Same thing as before...he was delighted to see me and we had a great time. Texts and calls for another week. Then nothing. I never heard from him after that.
Again, disposable.

Guy 2 (the one I dated for about 3 months):
He initiated the first date. Took me to lunch the very next day. We saw each other 2-3 times a week for three months. There was no sex involved, but he seemed to really enjoy my company.
He went to TX for a ten day family reunion. I texted him the day he went to make sure he'd arrived in one piece.
Not another word from him, until three months later, he walked into my office and wanted to set up an appointment for an estimate. I assume he was there to see if I still had any interest in him. I didn't.
That was some months ago.
Again, disposable.

And finally: (I'll try to make this short)
I spoke to someone that I hadn't spoken to in a long time (on line).
There had always been some sort of spark there (maybe just because we had a lot in common) and we started talking. I was interested and so was he (he made that clear). After talking a while we finally speak on the phone. Great conversation, lots in common...it was very nice. I thought to myself...it's rare to find someone I might actually be compatible with. The convo was two plus hours long.
The next day, I was treated to (I'll paraphrase):
"It's not you, you're fabulous, I'd like to be friends, I'm not in a place to blah, blah, blah."
He's a decent guy too. I hope he finds someone eventually as well.

Again, disposable.

I have to wonder if I'm doing something to cause people to abruptly discard me. I know I'm not perfect but I have a lot to offer someone. Love, loyalty, understanding, empathy...
Of all the men (listed above) who have come into my life in some sort of romantic capacity, almost NONE of them are similar in personality. I can't even blame it on "I attract or am attracted to the wrong kind of man."
So, if it's not them, it must be me, right?

I mean...my own family uses me as something disposable. My mother is the one exception. My child doesn't do it now, but she will be a teenager in a few years, so I imagine she'll do it to. I can't fault her for it, kids do that kind of crap. I think my family (most of them anyway) love me, they just don't see me as human or something.
I'm the "go to" person. I'm the ear that listens, the shoulder that gets cried on and the personal banker in some cases. I think that sometimes, things become the "norm" even if they're messed up.

I have no idea why I'm even writing all this. Catharsis I suppose.

I don't want to be a bitter person and I have to wonder, at what point, it might become inevitable. Do I simply keep interacting with people, knowing I'm nothing more than something disposable to them? Or, do I turn into a recluse, who keeps my interactions with others to a minimum, to avoid being repeatedly hurt?

I apologize for the long post but thank you to anyone who reads or replies. As I said, I don't usually share this much of myself, so it's left me feeling pretty vulnerable.

Eve *hugs*

I can't tell you how much I feel like I can relate reading your post, maybe the people I've been involved with didn't go as far as marriage, but they meant a lot to me and I gave a lot into my relationships with people. And every single time, I end up feeling disposable too. So I sort of know what you're saying here and can empathise with you. I'm sorry that you feel so badly because of all these things that have happened, but I can assure you that you're such a beautiful person inside and out, the wise words you have given me of advice and support when I needed them and just how warm you have been towards myself and others here just shows enough of a what a wonderful person you are.

I don't think it's you? I think it's just people in general. So I don't know how to fix this problem, because I find myself feeling disposable a lot myself. I think, it's just people in general. :\

My family treats me in a similar way, I'm always the back up support, always the one to clean up the messes and always the one needed to keep things going. And it's always wrong if I wanna do something for myself, or for my life ahead of me. And then once everyone gets comfortable, they forget about me.. pretty much.

I think it's something I've been facing with and dealing with in these past few months. Even good people do this to me.. and I question the same questions you have above. It got me really bitter and got me numbed and feeling empty mostly now... and I don't know how to get it back to how it was before this.

I know you're not asking for anything more than just for someone to hear you out, but I wish I had better advice or wise words to give you back as you have done so for me before. I wish there's more that I could do so that you could feel better with regards to this. It sucks to see you feeling down. You're a really strong and inspiring woman to me, and I have always looked up to you.

Someday soon, I hope, you'll meet someone really good and honest, someone who can appreciate and love you and get along well with you. Always giving you my best wishes and hope things turn out for the better for you, as you totally deserve that.

*hugs*

VanillaCreme said:
I'm actually getting mad at reading this. And I'll tell you why. You're worth so much more than a few failed boyfriends or husbands or however many first days anyone could have in their lifetime. It's all just honeysuckle that happens. You are not disposable. You never were and you never will be, and if you ever meet someone that tells you otherwise, they need to be cracked in their kneecaps. You're not the disposable one; They are. I know most about the third husband, and he was such a nutter, I don't even think he believed his own bullshit. I'm glad I never met him because I would have pushed him down the steps to the garage and ran him over with a car. He would have been eating tires for dinner every night.

Don't ever think that you're less of a person or disposable to anyone because some people don't care to know your worth. That's their loss. You're respectful, you're beautiful, you're such a lovely person, that I'm sure I only know a tiny amount of how caring you are, and you've shown me more care than most of my own family members did my whole life. F*** them and f*** how they treated you, that's what I say.

I love Nilla's post. It's awesome. And I'd totally agree with her.
 

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