"Settle" or stay alone?

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oceangirl

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OK, I'm on my umpteenth attempt to find someone for a relationship (and I have been in several long-term relationships, but it's been a while since the last one and almost all of them were more of the "settling" type of relationship in that for each one we had almost nothing in common). I try personal ads, specify what my basic interests are, and no one pays any attention to what I write. In the past I ended up with people where I was always doing what they liked to do because we otherwise had almost no common interests and they weren't willing to do the things I like to do. And now it's happening yet again.

I met a man about a month ago and I could tell we probably had nothing in common but he seemed "nice". He implied he would call me to get together to see a movie and he never called, so last week I texted him because I thought maybe I was giving off a vibe that I wasn't interested and I thought I should at least give it a chance. He invited me over for dinner on Christmas and I realized there are things about him I don't like as far as his point of view on certain things, beside having basically nothing in common (yet again). I didn't plan on seeing him again, but he called me tonight and invited me for dinner again tomorrow. I have a hard time making decisions as it is, but I decided to say yes and see how it goes one more time, just in case. Right before he called, I decided I was going to stop looking for someone for the time being and try to work on being happy alone even if I'm alone forever (and my parents had a horrible marriage, also with nothing in common, but they never divorced and were married for a very long time - my father was the one who was extremely unhappy though, which caused my mother to be unhappy).

So any advice on how to be happy alone and not settle for a relationship where I have nothing in common with the other person and either wind up doing everything they like only or going places by myself even though I'm in a so-called "relationship"? What makes it even worse is a good number of the people I grew up with are in long-term happy marriages or relationships (or so they say), so that makes me feel even more "defective".
 
hai ! i know its hard to apply but you can make yourself attractive take care of your health and always take morning walk some miles and daily go gym and then tell me, people always look first how you look like no matter what itll work cuz they dont know the real meaning of love and thiers feeling i want you to start a new life whole new take routine for every new goal you also can read my thread post it'll help you i hope so. and its nice to meet you i talk too short and i talk in point only.
 
I know that common interests help a lot when two people try to connect, but what about his character? Have you given him a shot of showing you what he's like as a person? You may be surprised at what you see.

As for how to be happy alone, well, there is no prescribed recipe to apply to everyone, i'm afraid, but nature and animals often help me forget about people altogether. Try taking a walk in nature, or petting a dog or cat, see how that makes you feel.
 
Seeker_2.0 said:
As for how to be happy alone, well, there is no prescribed recipe to apply to everyone, i'm afraid, but nature and animals often help me forget about people altogether. Try taking a walk in nature, or petting a dog or cat, see how that makes you feel.

This, or just enjoying doing things alone or with friends or with your pets. If you keep thinking about doing these things with someone and feel like you're missing out, you'd never be happy. Instead, think about the freedom you have to choose whatever movie or show to watch, do whatever you want... of course, do things you enjoy for yourself.
 
Hi Oceangirl-I have the same problem as you. Finding someone with the same interests and passions,or who shares just one of my interests, seems to be impossible. And dates often feel flat and stressful at the same time.
As Seeker says though, look at his character and see how he behaves, how he treats others, aand listen carefully when he talks about his past and his life at present for clues to what sort of person he is and what any possible stumbling blocks could be.
I don't know how old you are. If you are still young, I would say don't settle yet. If you are my age (mid to late 50's) then maybe settling would be a more realistic option.
 
oceangirl said:
OK, I'm on my umpteenth attempt to find someone for a relationship (and I have been in several long-term relationships, but it's been a while since the last one and almost all of them were more of the "settling" type of relationship in that for each one we had almost nothing in common). I try personal ads, specify what my basic interests are, and no one pays any attention to what I write. In the past I ended up with people where I was always doing what they liked to do because we otherwise had almost no common interests and they weren't willing to do the things I like to do. And now it's happening yet again.

I met a man about a month ago and I could tell we probably had nothing in common but he seemed "nice". He implied he would call me to get together to see a movie and he never called, so last week I texted him because I thought maybe I was giving off a vibe that I wasn't interested and I thought I should at least give it a chance. He invited me over for dinner on Christmas and I realized there are things about him I don't like as far as his point of view on certain things, beside having basically nothing in common (yet again). I didn't plan on seeing him again, but he called me tonight and invited me for dinner again tomorrow. I have a hard time making decisions as it is, but I decided to say yes and see how it goes one more time, just in case. Right before he called, I decided I was going to stop looking for someone for the time being and try to work on being happy alone even if I'm alone forever (and my parents had a horrible marriage, also with nothing in common, but they never divorced and were married for a very long time - my father was the one who was extremely unhappy though, which caused my mother to be unhappy).

So any advice on how to be happy alone and not settle for a relationship where I have nothing in common with the other person and either wind up doing everything they like only or going places by myself even though I'm in a so-called "relationship"? What makes it even worse is a good number of the people I grew up with are in long-term happy marriages or relationships (or so they say), so that makes me feel even more "defective".

Stay single, if that's really the case. I can't imagine how it's possible to be happy with nothing common along with incompatible beliefs.

It's funny you don't mention attraction as a factor though, which suggests "almost nothing in common" is code that includes "and I don't find him attractive either"
 
Thanks for all the replies everyone and I'm in my mid-50s Tiina. When I was younger, I basically mostly went by if I was attracted to someone physically, so that's why I usually wound up with people who I had nothing much in common with, but I guess it wasn't all "awful" looking back on it. At this point, if I could find someone I had some things in common with (or just one thing would be nice!), I would overlook the physical I think. So when I have to overlook the physical attraction and ALSO have nothing in common, that's when I start to think I'm better off alone. I do have a dog, so he keeps me company (but I'm also a worrier, so I worry what's going to happen when he's gone since I don't plan on getting another pet because of issues with possibly having to move to a place that doesn't allow pets and things like that, but I'll see when the time comes). And I'm not even talking about the other person wanting to go out all the time, because I like to stay home also. I do like to sometimes go to concerts (mainly rock concerts) and there's also live theater here, but no one is interested. I even met someone who likes to do karaoke, but he told me he doesn't like live music! Isn't karaoke live music, or at least partly? That made me laugh.

Also, I like to watch TV when I'm home. I understand some people prefer to read or whatever, but this last person doesn't even own a TV and basically doesn't like it. He also complained about how much his last girlfriend watched TV and he also didn't like her small dog and I have a small dog (he has a bigger dog). He also likes opera which I'm not into and he mentioned going to the opera and I said I would go with him (even though I'm not into opera). So then I mentioned a show I wanted to see here (live theater) and he totally ignored what I said and changed the subject! Very nice - NOT!

I cancelled on him for today by the way. For starters he told me he invited his neighbors over without telling me. He was going to cook dinner, but I was out with my dog all day today and was only planning on stopping by for a little while and didn't feel like socializing with strangers (I'm basically an introvert). He said he wanted to "surprise" me! huh? I told him I don't like surprises. Ugh, I don't know, I'm trying to meet someone and it gets so disappointing that I just want to give up. And since I'm basically introverted, I AM able to be alone most of the time, but as I'm sure we all know, that loneliness sets in and also the comparison thing where I imagine everyone's life is better than mine and I feel like it's all hopeless. I actually did have someone who I found online from when I was a kid tell me she envied me being alone. Her husband is abusive and she wishes she could leave him. I can understand how she feels considering her situation, but when loneliness sets in, it's hard to shake it. Anyway, I feel better now for venting...thanks again for the replies!
 
I think analyzing suitability for marriage and the potential for future divorces on a Date-2 might be overthinking it. By that, I mean that a Date-2 does not necessarily lead to marriage and divorce. So allow yourself not to worry about what need not happen...
 
LOL as you know, there was no date 2 (it was actually date 3, if you count the first time we met as date 1 instead of date 0), since I obviously decided I wasn't interested enough for date 2. I probably should have said no to begin with, but I have a hard time making decisions sometimes. I do know that at the end of date 1 I said to myself I wasn't going to see him again and I thought I would never hear from him again since I even mentioned to him that I watch a lot of TV and we don't have enough in common, but apparently that was something else that I said that he chose to ignore.
 
oceangirl said:
LOL as you know, there was no date 2 (it was actually date 3, if you count the first time we met as date 1 instead of date 0), since I obviously decided I wasn't interested enough for date 2. I probably should have said no to begin with, but I have a hard time making decisions sometimes. I do know that at the end of date 1 I said to myself I wasn't going to see him again and I thought I would never hear from him again since I even mentioned to him that I watch a lot of TV and we don't have enough in common, but apparently that was something else that I said that he chose to ignore.

Hi. Sorry if my comment sounded "butthead'y" LOL. Seeker touched on something about character that is very important. The fact that this guy flaked on you makes him a ********* anyway. Don't waste your time on someone (regardless of political views or other differences) who doesn't value your time, your emotions, and your peace of mind.

Don't settle. But also realize that character is the most important thing. I've got very strong political beliefs, but I know better than to even bring them into the mix. I could date someone with different political views as long as she had decent character in her daily life.
 
Hi Oceangirl-I share many of your thoughts and feelings. I am also an introvert but find life on my own to be deeply lonely. Finding someone compatible though feels like an uphill struggle.
I don't think it is too early to be wondering from the start if a particular person could be suitable for you as a marriage/longterm partner. It doesn't mean that you will be dragging them to the church or registry office after a week if they seem right. It simply means that you are acknowledging that there might be a possibility that they could be.
It is odd how the TV issue crops up a fair bit in dating. I once met a man who didn't own a TV and who thought himself superior to the rest of us who do-maybe I was meant to think that he was pondering the meaning of life and writing articles on quantum physics etc while I was watching Star Trek. In reality he was probably pottering about on the internet.
You must have felt invalidated when he ignored what you said about not liking suprises and he wnet ahead an organised one anyway.
 
I prefer to stay 'alone'.
I would hate to be with someone who wasn't nice to me. A woman a few years back talked to me like I was a piece of garbage. I hated her company and was glad when it finished.
 
I was in a relationship for over 3 years with someone. We should have been perfect, at least that is how it appeared on paper. She had the same interests and likes as I. A few differences but for the most part, she was a rarity in my life.
What seemed like a match made in heaven at the start gradually exposed some traits in her that, well, made me question what I had gotten myself into. Out of the blue temper tantrums over stupid things, her lifestyle (semi-hoarder, never cleaned, etc), and complaining about anything and everything. I convinced myself she was under a lot of stress since she was nearly set to receive her Ph.D and the workload required pre-graduation plus a demanding internship was so draining for her, plus family pressures placed on her that were unrealistic. I learned that over time.

I never seemed to make her happy, though. Many times, I had to walk on eggshells. and whatever opinion I offered on some topic, say, like where I wanted to go out to eat after she asked me, often brought on anger and complaining. I finally broke it off when she couldn't make up her mind about a planned getaway. She also placed demands on me that were expected (one was absolutely impossible in my view) if I wanted to be in a permanent relationship with her. She even said to me one time: "It's my way or the highway..." Someone like her who is inflexible, and damaged by her parental upbringing is just too much for me. The fog finally lifted.

So, it is not worth settling for someone AT ALL. I even went 8 years without anyone even being interested in me after that. It was just as bad emotionally, being all alone, but at least it was just myself.
 
Triple Bogey said:
I prefer to stay 'alone'.
I would hate to be with someone who wasn't nice to me. A woman a few years back talked to me like I was a piece of garbage. I hated her company and was glad when it finished.

I agree. I'd rather be single than settle for a miserable relationship. I've settled before and it was not worth it! I feel like I'm more free to be myself now and having a partner is no guarantee that you'll be happy or not lonely.
Having a pet, especially a dog, can be a great idea to help alleviate feelings of loneliness. You can't converse with an animal but having another being around that is happy to see you, loyal and snuggly is a good thing, in my opinion.

-Teresa
 
Triple Bogey said:
I prefer to stay 'alone'.
I would hate to be with someone who wasn't nice to me. A woman a few years back talked to me like I was a piece of garbage. I hated her company and was glad when it finished.

When I wrote about settling, I didn't mean being with/marrying someone who would not be nice to me. I meant being with/marrying someone I felt friendship feelings for rather than love and who felt the same way towards me. TB-I am sorry you went through this. Have been through the same thing myself.
 
After I posted, I realized I didn't explain that this particular person I was deciding whether or not to see again didn't really fall under the "settling" category as Tiina pointed out. I also didn't mention that the last time I saw him was around Thanksgiving and he texted me Happy Thanksgiving and even had mentioned maybe seeing a movie, but then I never heard from him again. So I thought maybe I was giving off vibes that I wasn't interested and at the time he seemed like he was reasonably nice, so I decided to text him a month later and that's how this whole thing started (next time I probably wouldn't do that if it happens like that again).

And Tiina, I got to the point now that I admit I'm a TV addict and I even usually state in my personal ads that if someone hates TV, don't respond. I don't even care if someone wants to do something else at home while I watch TV, but if they despise TV and look down on it, then forget it. I like reading too, but I find it hard to concentrate on it most of the time and TV is my escape, I admit it (and sometimes I watch TV while I'm on the computer, not easy to do at the same time). And I don't want to "fix" it. It distracts me from worrying and/or negative thinking and that's all I really care about. Maybe if I lived with someone I would cut back on TV, but I'm not sure at this point.

And I agree with you SofiasMami about how you can be with someone else and still not be happy. TB, being with someone abusive is worse than being alone for sure. And ABM, that relationship wasn't right for you either and I've been there myself, that's basically why my relationships never lasted. I realize it's better to be alone than be in a bad relationship since I grew up with parents who weren't happy together, but I still hope to find someone to have a "good" relationship with, even though every time I have a bad experience meeting someone from online, I start to feel hopeless and that's the worst feeling ever. Thankfully I don't feel constantly lonely though because I know that would make it worse.

Oh and I left out some other things this person I broke the date with said to me when I saw him last time. From the minute I saw him, there was lots of complaining about his ex-wife's parents, his ex-girlfriend's TV watching, her not showering more than once a day so he didn't want to have sex with her when she got home from work since she showered in the morning and was all sweaty when she got home (um talk about TMI lol), and her small dog being annoying, the person who rents out a room in his house and how he doesn't shower enough - what's with the not showering enough? (he even let me into the guy's room to smell it when he wasn't there, which I thought wasn't right at all, but it didn't smell bad and I told him so), someone he once dated and how he regretted not staying with her (why would I want to hear that? I gave him the benefit of the doubt that maybe it was nervousness, but still....), ignoring my interests when I tried to bring them up and on and on. Ugh, I think I'll take a break from online dating for a while!
 
SofiasMami said:
Triple Bogey said:
I prefer to stay 'alone'.
I would hate to be with someone who wasn't nice to me. A woman a few years back talked to me like I was a piece of garbage. I hated her company and was glad when it finished.

I agree. I'd rather be single than settle for a miserable relationship. I've settled before and it was not worth it! I feel like I'm more free to be myself now and having a partner is no guarantee that you'll be happy or not lonely.
Having a pet, especially a dog, can be a great idea to help alleviate feelings of loneliness. You can't converse with an animal but having another being around that is happy to see you, loyal and snuggly is a good thing, in my opinion.

-Teresa

Yep I agree. I see so many couples arguing all the time, obviously very unhappy, I think 'thank god I am not in a situation like that'

As for 'settling' for somebody I don't love. I don't think that would ever happen. I think if I went out with somebody who I liked and had a lot in common with and they were nice to me - I would grow to love them over time.
 
jd7 said:
Hi. Sorry if my comment sounded "butthead'y" LOL. Seeker touched on something about character that is very important. The fact that this guy flaked on you makes him a ********* anyway. Don't waste your time on someone (regardless of political views or other differences) who doesn't value your time, your emotions, and your peace of mind.

Don't settle. But also realize that character is the most important thing. I've got very strong political beliefs, but I know better than to even bring them into the mix. I could date someone with different political views as long as she had decent character in her daily life.

That's ok, I didn't go into enough detail. So yes, I did find out what his character is like and I didn't like it! (as described in my last post where I went into more detail). Thanks for yours and everyone's input!


Oh I forgot one other thing that happened. He was also showing me videos of horse racing in a small village in Europe where the riders would end up running into the walls and the horses (and riders) would be injured. I told him I didn't want to see videos of animals getting hurt and he asked me why I'm so sensitive! So I asked him why he's so INSENSITIVE lol. And he still asked me out again! I was also shocked when he called me after he told me he didn't own a TV and I told him I watch a lot of TV and we have nothing in common. Vent over....(and no more dating for me right now, taking a break!).
 
Oh and I also went out with someone else before this last person who I couldn't read at all if he liked me or not. Then we went outside to walk around and he took my hand and we were holding hands. I also told him it would be nice to get together again (because I was afraid I was coming off as too aloof). So a couple of days later I saw him on the dating site and he said hi to me on there and I told him he could text me sometime, well I never heard from him again. So crap happens out there to everyone I guess. I didn't even get a 2nd chance with that person, but it's ok. When I'm ready, I'll probably start looking to meet someone again.
 
Triple Bogey said:
Yep I agree. I see so many couples arguing all the time, obviously very unhappy, I think 'thank god I am not in a situation like that'

As for 'settling' for somebody I don't love. I don't think that would ever happen. I think if I went out with somebody who I liked and had a lot in common with and they were nice to me - I would grow to love them over time.

I overheard a woman casually calling her partner a "piece of honeysuckle" on the train a few weeks back. It wasn't as if she were upset either, actually she was laughing at something (him, it seemed.) He sat there, smiled and said nothing, as if that kind of verbal abuse were the norm. I thought about how lucky I was never to have been in a relationship like that.
 

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