The Lonely Life

So I have been sat here fo I don't know how long. Nothing to do. No one to talk to. But I still think. So I talk to myself in my head, like there is a person to talk to. But there is not. I look up, I come back to reality. My apartment is empty and there is only the annoying sound of my cheap fridge/freezer whining and whirling and clicking and wheezing and humming. When that process stops there is only the sound of traffic.

No. Nothing to do. No one to talk to. Nothing is interesting. Nothing has any worth. Least of all I.

So just sitting here. Alone. Hopeless. Helpless.

Nothing.

Man that's seriously tough...have you thought about exploring any possibilities of help through charities so at least you can have a degree of physical comfort...I had some financial difficulties at one point and got furnishings and a tv through an outfit called Dorset reclaim...maybe something similar in your area If you have any contact with mental health services...maybe it's something you could ask about..,just lack of physical comfort is going to bring anyone down.

sothatwasmylife said:

Man that's seriously tough...have you thought about exploring any possibilities of help through charities so at least you can have a degree of physical comfort...I had some financial difficulties at one point and got furnishings and a tv through an outfit called Dorset reclaim...maybe something similar in your area If you have any contact with mental health services...maybe it's something you could ask about..,just lack of physical comfort is going to bring anyone down.

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I've got decent stuff. All my stuff was new when I moved here. And I've tried charities. They are useless.

I got no people. No friendships. No company. That stuff is free to most people.

So physically your at least reasonably comfortable ?
Your not staring at an uncarpeted floor...no telly no furnishings.. and only the sounds of the refrigerator as a distraction ?

sothatwasmylife said:

So physically your at least reasonably comfortable ?
Your not staring at an uncarpeted floor...no telly no furnishings.. and only the sounds of the refrigerator as a distraction ?

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My flat is quite nice. I have decorated and furnished it well. The fridge is a constant nuisance, but is is high on edgy efficiency. I was not moaning about a lack of stuff. I was moaning about a lack of connection with other humans.

I feel very at risk tonight. And no the samaritans would not help.

I am lonely. I have no one. Talking does not make someone appear and start to care about me.

I got (the inevitable cancer aside) potentially 40 more years of this. I can't take it.

Have you got any connections to a mental health team

sothatwasmylife said:

Have you got any connections to a mental health team

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Ha ha! In this country you must be joking. I was trying to tell them about my OCD and how it is triggered by such a thing as not having organic fruit and veg, which makes me start looking up pesticides vthen believing I have cancer and on it goes and I just can't escape. And they laughed at me.

Last time I went I told them I was raped when I was 14 and they had looked at my file and suggested that since I was offered counselling and did not engage it was my fault. My parents would not let me go. They laughed at me then also.

I can't believe the heartless vile pricks we get working in the UK mental health services. Every time I seem to get these arrogant nasty condescending blokey blokes.

cumulus.james said:

So I have been sat here fo I don't know how long. Nothing to do. No one to talk to. But I still think. So I talk to myself in my head, like there is a person to talk to. But there is not. I look up, I come back to reality. My apartment is empty and there is only the annoying sound of my cheap fridge/freezer whining and whirling and clicking and wheezing and humming. When that process stops there is only the sound of traffic.

No. Nothing to do. No one to talk to. Nothing is interesting. Nothing has any worth. Least of all I.

So just sitting here. Alone. Hopeless. Helpless.

Nothing.

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The world outside awaits.

jd7 said:

cumulus.james said:

So I have been sat here fo I don't know how long. Nothing to do. No one to talk to. But I still think. So I talk to myself in my head, like there is a person to talk to. But there is not. I look up, I come back to reality. My apartment is empty and there is only the annoying sound of my cheap fridge/freezer whining and whirling and clicking and wheezing and humming. When that process stops there is only the sound of traffic.

No. Nothing to do. No one to talk to. Nothing is interesting. Nothing has any worth. Least of all I.

So just sitting here. Alone. Hopeless. Helpless.

Nothing.

Click to expand...

The world outside awaits.

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Not for me it does not.

whats stopping you from joining a meetup group and going out?

cumulus.james said:

jd7 said:

cumulus.james said:

So I have been sat here fo I don't know how long. Nothing to do. No one to talk to. But I still think. So I talk to myself in my head, like there is a person to talk to. But there is not. I look up, I come back to reality. My apartment is empty and there is only the annoying sound of my cheap fridge/freezer whining and whirling and clicking and wheezing and humming. When that process stops there is only the sound of traffic.

No. Nothing to do. No one to talk to. Nothing is interesting. Nothing has any worth. Least of all I.

So just sitting here. Alone. Hopeless. Helpless.

Nothing.

Click to expand...

The world outside awaits.

Click to expand...

Not for me it does not.

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It's just as much your world as anybody else's. At least there is beauty outside the four walls. There can also be beauty within the four walls. Do you like art?

This may not sound like what you want and need to hear James, but from what I`ve read on this thread and others of yours, one thing struck me most: all the things you describe, what you feel and think, how you feel and judge, I`ve heard before, almost exactly with the same words, from another person (and other persons but without so many details). Over and over again I heard the same things. Which led me to only one conclusion: this is a mental health problem, out of your control, quite serious, that has to be treated. Point.
This is the disease speaking and identifying with the disease is a mistake many in your situation make. Don`t! It would be best if you had the support of someone reliable to go with you see a dr. A combination a psychotherapy and meds works best. After so many years, it has become a chronic state, and only councelling is not enough. It saddens me to see that not a single person of those I know who suffer from the same symptoms like you, have had the courage and determination to do whatever necessary to get well. It isn`t easy, it is unpleasant, hurts like hell, but it is necessary and often it is called inner restructuring. After a few appointments and maybe a month of medication they gave up. Years passed and they feel worse and worse, repeating the same old complaints but doing nothing.
James, when you feel determined to do something for yourself, you will succeed; this may be when the situation becomes unbearable or when you decide to not let your inner demons and thoughts rule over your mind, soul, body. You are not a coward, so forget about the suicidal play of thoughts. Seriously.
Another excuse I hear often is: "I have no money". Give me a break. There are solutions even for such people (pro bono therapy, free meds, activity at volunteers centers etc.).
So, James, while I understand your point and sympathize with what you`re going through, I cannot encourage self-pity and victimization. Simply because it`s of no use. Taking action and doing something for your own benefit instead, yes. Just make up your mind and persevere. Don`t expect others to do your part, simply because you are ill, helpless, etc. You are in charge of your life, so think prospectively not retrospectively.

I know you understand what I`m saying, but if you`ll react in a negative manner, I`ll also know that it is the disease, not the real James reacting.

stork_error said:

whats stopping you from joining a meetup group and going out?

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1. Social Phobia
2. I really b do hate myself. I am not lying

What exactly is it you want from us? We give you suggestions and you turn them down. We tell you what needs to be done and you yell and insult us.
When you want to get better, you will. When you want to make friends, you will venture outside to find some. When you want to get help from places, you will. But until you ALLOW someone to help you, you won't get any help. That's just the way it works. But, I can tell you that alcohol will only make it worse.
You mentioned you have mental illnesses. What besides OCD would those be, perhaps we could help more if you told us more about you.

Complain and ***** and call me a prick (or whatever else you want to call me) all you want, but that doesn't change the facts.

Knock it off! Not really necessary to start things up in yet another thread. STOP!

You read? Can you not watch a DVD, play a game, surf the net on a topic of interest? The possibilities extend beyond sitting in silence listening to the fridge whirring, and none of it requires you to make the effort to leave the flat.

cumulus.james said:

stork_error said:

whats stopping you from joining a meetup group and going out?

Click to expand...

1. Social Phobia
2. I really b do hate myself. I am not lying

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ok so the social phobia, are you afriad of people harming you? do you live in an area that is not very safe for you?
or are you afraid of people judging you?

as for the hating yourself, WTF why? Whats it based on?

Do you happen to live in a big city? I know this may sound funny, but i spent 6 months in a city apartment and had to go out of there before losing my mind. Living alone in cities can be quite stressful, maybe you could consider moving to a less populated area, if you can afford it. As for the mental health services, I absolutely agree with you, I only visited them once and they made me feel like a beggar for asking them for help.

Today, I am feeling like I have quite lost my mind. My mood is all over the place. I have a thought, then I have the very inverse of that thought, and I have no trust in either.

I do not take my meds at the moment. And I have many to choose from. Quitiepine, Lamactal, Lorazepam, Pregabalin, Midafinil. I stare into the box, and ponder; which one shall make me taller? and which one shall make me smaller?

Think I'll have a beer instead.

My brand new kitchen is in such a state. I ought to clean it up really. But no. I think I will just sit here and mope.

Where is my mind?

ardour said:

You read? Can you not watch a DVD, play a game, surf the net on a topic of interest? The possibilities extend beyond sitting in silence listening to the fridge whirring, and none of it requires you to make the effort to leave the flat.

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The problem with these activities is that although they can help to an extent, they are only a temporary distraction and loneliness can make it very hard to concentrate on them. I have found that in the last ten or so days I have often had to reread a page from a book or from the web or 'rewind' part of a DVD because my concentration is so poor owing to the gnawing loneliness inside me.

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stork_error said:

whats stopping you from joining a meetup group and going out?

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A support group for people with social phobia and other related issues might be better for the op.